Is he manipulating me?

[elpaso]

This is a bit hard to describe, so please bear with me!

Been with my partner for three years, and whereas our relationship is mostly good, we've had a few problems and whenever I've attempted to discuss any of it with him, he MASSIVELY overreacts.

For example, he put a couple of photos up of me on the dreaded Facebook (nothing dodgy, just awful photos of me looking extremely tired and unwell when I had the flu), and then changed the settings so that I couldn't see them, but others could. I found out via a mutual friend, and asked him to delete them. He went ballistic, deleted every single photo of me off his profile, and asked me to delete every photo of mine that he has every taken off me.

Another example, I found out a couple of years ago that he'd been sexting another woman. When I asked him it, he got very angry, said there was nothing to discuss, and threatened to leave me as (in his words) I obviously didn't trust him.

There was an inccident when he kept going on and on us doing something in bed that I really didn't want to do. He eventually wore me down, we did it and halfway through I begged him to stop. He didn't. I was extremely upset the next day, he again became very angry, accused me of sulking, said that had simply got "carried away"and that maybe he should just not touch me at all, if I was going to react in such a way.

He's manipulating me isn't he? I feel like I can't broach any subject with him, because he just gets over the top angry, and twists it all around so I have end up feeling guilty. I feel like at times like this he enjoys playing mind games with me.

He is very loving, attentive and good company most of the time, which is why it makes it all the more confusing! Does he over react because he KNOWS he is the wrong?

Does anyone else have experience of this?

ltb
seriously, he's humiliating u, raped u, is probably cheating on you...
he's an asshole.

Darling this really is abuse. He needs to go. Asap.

Hi op, I felt cold reading what happened to you. Please listen to people on here. He is not a good man. He is abusive and doesn't care about your feelings or body as long as he gets what he wants. Please look after yourself and put yourself first as this excuse for a man never will.

He raped you. He is abusive. Honestly, you need him out of your life.

Get rid of this evil man as soon as possible.

This person has many different ways of manipulating you and being 'loving and attentive' is one of them, along with rape, humiliation and gaslighting. After all you wouldn't stay if there was no 'loving' behaviour would you?? Well, not yet anyway...give it a few years....

Everyone has already said it but I couldn't read and run.

He is a rapist. He is gaslighting you. He is abusive.

Please end the relationship before it gets any worse.

Basically, he is of the opinion that he may do as he pleases and you have no right to object.
The massive overreaction is his outrage that you would dare express displeasure or your own opinion, as his fundamental belief is that he is more important than you and his needs, desires and wishes are not to be questioned. What's more, he will punish you if you do...by threatening to not touch you at all etc.
He is absolutely manipulating you and he sounds fucking awful.

And also, by making questioning him such an ordeal for you by his complete histrionics, he's effectively stopped you expressing any opinions.

And look at how mildly you've phrased your OP, when what you're actually describing is horrific.

I always remember a brief explanation of this sort of manipulative abuse from the Why Does He Do That? book.

"Consider the following scenario: Mom, Dad and their children are having dinner on a Wednesday night. Dad is snappy and irritable, criticizing everybody during the meal, spreading his tension around like electricity.

When he finishes eating, he leaves the table abruptly and heads out of the room. His ten-year-old daughter says, “Dad, where are you going?
Wednesday is your night to wash the dishes.” Upon hearing these words, Dad bursts into flames, screaming, “You upstart little shit, don’t you dare try to tell me what to do! You’ll be wearing a dish on your face!” He grabs a plate off the table, makes like he is going to throw it at her, and then turns away and smashes it on the floor. He knocks a chair over with his hand and storms out of the room.

Mom and the children are left trembling, the daughter bursts into tears. Dad reappears in the doorway and yells that she’d better shut up, so she chokes off her tears, which causes her to shake even more violently. Without touching a soul, Dad has sent painful shock waves through the entire family.

We move ahead now to the following Wednesday. Dinner passes fairly normally, without the previous week’s tension, but Dad still strolls out of the kitchen when he finishes eating. Does a family member remind him that it’s his turn to wash the dishes? Of course not. It will be many, many months before anyone makes that mistake again. … Dad’s scary behaviour has created a context in which he won’t have to do the dishes anytime he doesn’t feel like it, and no one will dare take him to task for it. … The abusive man gains power.”

This is what I think is happening to you. When you rightly take him to task, his reaction is so intimidating you are thoroughly discouraged from doing it again.

To add to that, he swiftly deflects the blame back on you and insists your (utterly justified) upset is self-created. You are unreasonable/sulking/overreacting and you ought to apologise to him for your bad behaviour.
This is known as gaslighting. Look it up. Your partner is a pig.

YY. That is such a brilliant description of how domestic abuse works. I would also add that having gained control in such a way, the abuser becomes contemptuous of their partner as any respect they may have had for them is gone and this is part of the reason why abuse escalates even though the partner does everything the abuser wants. There is often an element of sadism along with the need to control. That is absolutely not the abused partner's fault, but relationships like this don't get better.

Although it seems like the Facebook incident is the most trivial part, I actually think it's a huge red flag. It's quite a deliberately nasty thing to do.

I agree Venus.

"He went ballistic, deleted every single photo of me off his profile, and asked me to delete every photo of mine that he has every taken off me."

Which says;

"How dare you assume any say over my actions, however mildly? I am never wrong and will do as I please. If it takes me deleting every fucking photo in retaliation to make you understand that your opinion counts for shit, so be it. You'll think twice about doing that again, won't you?"

Pretty much. The fucker.

Also that he deliberately put up unflattering pictures that the OP wouldn't want to be seen, and changed the settings so other people could see them and she couldn't. Very concerning behaviour.

Bless you :(

Next time he threatens to leave, just let him, encourage it, but have people near by, as he sounds nasty x

He has RAPED you.

I'm so sorry op but get away from him now.

Op, the unpredictable nature is why you are confused. If he was like this all the time you would see it clearly but as others say it is abuse and will escalate.

Do you live together?

Yes, the deliberate nature of changing the settings on FB is concerning. It's a version of that awful thread once, where a poster related how her partner had tipped water over her when she was asleep. He'd then gone back to the bathroom and re-filled the jug, and soaking her a second time, negating any subsequent defence of his that it was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

Chilling.

A loved family member of mine has recently escaped a relationship just like the one you are describing OP. It breaks my heart to read the details you have set down here - all that you describe is classic emotional - as well as physical / sexual - abuse.
Get yourself out of this situation now - don't wait until a few years down the line until you are married, or worse, have had a child with this man, and are truly dependant on him or your lives are so inextricably linked that you feel it's impossible to get out.
Listen to your instincts and trust your own reactions to what you are experiencing.
Talking to Women's Aid is a good place to start.

I know in the back of my mind that this is abuse, I think I've been in denial. I am generally not a pushover, nor a doormat and if anyone had told me four years ago I would in this position I would have laughed. I never thought I would be in such a position.

Reading back through post and the responses has really hit home. I know I need to leave.

Nobody would think you are a pushover or a doormat. You have been conditioned to such a place that the lines of what is acceptable become confusing. It happens to the strongest most intellingent women. None of this is a reflection on you. It takes most people a long time to realise what is happening. When the person you love tells you they love you and then do so many things that show the opposite you start to make excuses or reasons for it. Or change your behaviour as you start to think that maybe if you had done something differently then he wouldn't have done such and such. They are very clever.

It often takes something very little to make the fog lift and start to realise what is actually happening.

In your case, you most definitely have to leave. For your life in the short term and to recover and rebuild your self esteem in the long term. Good luck OP. Stay safe

elpaso

Do keep posting here if it helps you process it, there are many people here who have been through this kind of situation and come out the other side.

Hi elpaso
I'm often one to encourage communication, counselling and taking a balanced view - rather than belonging to the 'LTB' school of thought. But you are in an abusive relationship - your partner has no capacity to sustain a mutually loving healthy relationship. Even if he needs help, even if it's not all bad. Just leave!
You'll get lots of support here from women - many of whom will have been just where you are now, and I take a bow to them! Good luck x

I agree this is not simple manipulation its abuse. I'm in exactly the same situation bar the sexual bit. MY guy manipulates jealous reactions in me, then when I react he says I don't trust him, then I get silent treatment and then he eventually contacts me . It's nuts but then he can be the sweetest nicest person when the fancy takes him. Leaves me feeling insane ! It's hard coz you love him but it will only get worse x

Sorry for the very delayed response.

Thankyou all so much for your responses and advice. I've been researching "gaslighting" and it does sound very familiar...have also spoken to Women's Aid who have been a great help and talked things through with me.

I am putting an exit plan together and will be seeing a counsellor as well.

No manipulation is when you subtly try and get someone to agree with you; or go somewhere with you, this is not that.

OP, the man is a cretin, he is abusing you and sexually assaulting you; he should be locked up if the truth be told; please ask yourself, if this was your daughter, or your mum what would you ensure they did? Leave?

Yes.