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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anybody going to fancy me again?

26 replies

scaredoffallout · 03/02/2017 17:11

Hi

On the brink of separation though I am very scared to take the final leap. Have lived without affection for many years and had sex 3 times last year, always instigated by me.

I have given up now - not only due to that, there are quite a few other reasons too.

Am now 48 and have spent the last few years that my fear of divorce and of my kids all choosing to live with my h (hope not) compensated for my lack of any sex or affection.

Now that I think I probably am going to have to take the horrible plunge and to through the hell of divorce (H is not easy), I can feel myself wanting to re-join the land of the living. Except that I look in the mirror and am not convinced that anybody is going to want me.

Should I accept this? I feel angry by how much of H's crap about me I accepted and believed, all the while I was longing for him to touch me.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredoffallout · 03/02/2017 17:30

The title was meant to be "is anybody going to fancy me again?"

Have asked mnhq to change it (Blush).

Meant to say thinking in front of "that my fear" and go through the hell of divorce.

OP posts:
tsonlyme · 03/02/2017 17:36

I separated from dh a year ago, I'm 47. I was astonished to discover that not only were people attracted to me but that they were also interested in what I had to say, it's been a revelation. I have worked quite hard at it though, online dating isn't for the feint of heart. I've had more fun in the last year than in the previous 20 😄

The divorce diet helped if that's a concern you have.

pog100 · 03/02/2017 17:38

The simple answer is yes, of course they are, especially when you have a bit of time to recover from what sounds like a pretty depressing marriage. The other answer is, does is matter, if you are undoubtedly more happy without the negative aspects of your relationship, that's anyway enough

HarmlessChap · 03/02/2017 18:26

I understand that feeling, but ultimately, if efforts to rekindle my relationship don't work, I've come to the conclusion that even if nobody does fancy me I'd be less unhappy alone than lonely as part of a couple.

I hope it works out well for you.

Ilovecaindingle · 03/02/2017 18:33

Your new found freedom and inner happiness will shine through and trust me there is a new life out there waiting just for you!! And a man who truly deserves you!!

noego · 03/02/2017 18:36

You will be surprised at how many positive compliments you do get and how you pick up on them when you have been devoid of them for years.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 03/02/2017 22:49

I do think it is worth (but very frightening) getting out of the marriage even if I never touch a man again (though I did catch myself thinking today that if I am never to have sex with anyone again, I may as well stay with h as that's my current situation - no sex or affection - and at least I wouldn't have to go through the trauma of divorce.)

Why would anyone fancy me though, when there are so many younger people around - genuine question.

Am locked in the most horrible of limbos as regards my marriage, and all the time panicking about the passing of time and how no man is going to look at me twice, or if they do, it will be vaguely and in passing.

I also don't know if it is ridiculous for me to have these feelings when to many people I must be like an older Aunt type figure. IFYSWIM.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 04/02/2017 08:27

I'm 44 & thought the same, similar marriage, very low self esteem. I'm separated now & have met an amazing man, younger than me too. I can't quite believe it. If it can happen to me it can happen to you

Patchouli666 · 04/02/2017 10:39

It will be terrifying. You were looking way into the future and taking it as a whole. Break it down into chunks and I'm sure it'll be a lot easier. A few of my friends are speerated or divorced and all have been dating and either still are having a great time keeping things simple or have now found the man / woman for the next stage of their lives and are very happy. None have regrets. None.
Write a list of things to do 1) tell hubby. 2) get the ball rolling legally 3) appoint solicitor. Etc. It's not all going to happen at once. View yourself as a caterpillar, you are ready to turn into a chrysalis and post divorce you'll be a butterfly. Sad I know 😜 But one of my arty friends said her mum had told her that analogy and she said it was right. You are safe being a chrysalis for as long as you need to hibernate. But you are currently the caterpillar. You need to move onto the next stage.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 04/02/2017 20:41

Thanks for your messages. I like the chrysalis analogy Patchouli Smile.

What scares me (amongst many things) is now h will behave, and what he may try to hide financially as he is in control of almost everything financially.

Already things are dire between us, but once I present him with a divorce petition, they will get a lot worse.

It's the unknown and I don't know if I will have the strength to deal with it. Add to this that my dc may (you never know) all decide to go and live with him full time, and I may have lost everything. A complete jump off a cliff without knowing where I will land or if I will have a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredoffallout · 04/02/2017 20:44

how H will behave, not now

OP posts:
Verydownaboutitall · 04/02/2017 20:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 04/02/2017 20:55

Sad verydown I am sorry you feel down.

Can I ask if you would have stayed married if you thought you wouldn't meet anyone else?

In any case never say never - you might.

I think I am prepared for the fact that I may never meet anyone else, but even if I am not, my marriage is so awful that I don't think I have much choice at this point.

OP posts:
sandragreen · 04/02/2017 21:03

I think it's natural to feel like you do because your self esteem has been hacked away with the withdrawal of affection and the breakdown of your marriage.

I assure you that you will be far happier single than in a loveless relationship. However, there will ALWAYS be someone out there who will fancy you Wink

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 04/02/2017 21:32

I feel inklings of that because H fairly often works away for 3 days and 2 nights, and I feel much more relaxed when he isn't around. But then it's easy to feel relaxed because I am with the dc, in the family home, and haven't actually dealt with anything.

Really don't know if I will be able to deal with the sheer and utter pain I am going to feel.

It would be much easier if H could just stay away after one of his trips and the status quo magically kind of change, with no trauma. Dc then obviously free to go and stay with him whenever but keep their base with me and pigs might fly

OP posts:
ProfOf · 04/02/2017 22:34

I felt the same fears. I started dating my DH when I was 48. We got married when I was 50 (he was 54) and this is the best relationship of my life in all ways. TMI probably but we have a fabulous sex life! Before that I spent some years as single parent but was still much happier than in a bad relationship. So you win either way.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 05/02/2017 08:04

Thanks ProfOf Smile.

I think I need to start a divorce thread as it's that that is scaring me really. Can't imagine being with someone else in reality.

I have spent so long being utterly hurt by my actual marriage, that it is very difficult to take the plunge knowing that I am deliberately putting myself in an even more hurtful position (divorce from very difficult H), with the added uncertainty of how my dc will react and how that will play out.

It's very difficult to knowingly jump off a cliff edge into pain and divorce trauma. Also, I am quite a nostalgic regretful person - what if I am making a big mistake?

OP posts:
ProfOf · 05/02/2017 10:43

Average life expectancy for a woman in the U.K. is about 83. That's another 35 years. I don't think you would want to live in your current situation for another 35 years? Within 10 years or so, all your children will have left the nest anyway? I'm guessing they would choose to live with you for now if your H is so difficult.
Start trying to get all the financial information that you can now - before any hint of a divorce. If your H has a pension, you would be entitled to a portion of that in addition to any other assets.
It will be difficult until you are though the divorce and may be difficult at times after. No one's life is always a bed of roses all the time. However, you at least have a reasonable chance of happiness by going though a divorce now whereas there seems to be only unhappiness for you if you continue in your current situation.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 05/02/2017 12:58

He's a lot nicer to them than he is to me... I agree though that this is a half life and I probably have no idea how stressed I feel until I stop feeling that way. How much more stressed will a horrible divorce make me feel though Shock?

It seems that I am able to live in limbo forever Confused.

OP posts:
abitwrong123 · 05/02/2017 18:40

I am over 3 years on from an awful marriage and very acrimonious divorce but I can honestly say the divorce process was worth it to feel the way I do now.
You have to do it step by step and take the emotion out of the financial side of things. Ie I found that by ignoring any sniping and keeping everything vastly practical it took some of the pain out of the process.

I made a pact with myself to stay single for at least the first year as I really felt I needed to get to know me again. I know that sounds awfully twee but it really did help with moving on. It meant there was no pressure to date and try to prove to myself that I was still attractive during that first year when I was still a bit bruised and when I did start to date again I was so confident about what I would and would not be happy with. I've met a wonderful man, we live together now and I am disgustingly happy. But, I do genuinely think I am able to be so happy with him because I was happy with myself first.

I wish you all the very best what ever you decide.
Re him hiding anything financial, it's not actually that easy to do that. My ex husband was very secretive and lied an awful lot but a decent solicitor has seen it all before and don't forget the magistrates will have done as well.

Snowflake65 · 05/02/2017 20:02

I'm 47, fat (size 18/20), have acne, yellowing teeth and lots of dark facial hair. Just setting the scene that I am no oil painting / vain.

I make the best of myself, "fake it til you make it" with confidence etc and I have been hit upon loads since I split from XH.

UpYerGansey · 05/02/2017 20:25

Go for it OP. Much to be gained, little to lose.

Original poster
scaredoffallout · 06/02/2017 06:43

Thanks for your messages. I am working on how petrified I am. At this rate I'll be a 100 before anything changes Sad. I think I need to view divorce as a necessity - but I keep on internally umming and aahing because H's temper is scary basically. And he can be really horrible. We haven't spoken (apart from re. logistics) since October FFS. Of course it's over.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredoffallout · 06/02/2017 07:12

And I don't want to feel sad, or make other people feel sad Sad.

OP posts:
Cakingbad · 06/02/2017 07:21

If H's temper is scary and he can be really horrible there is no doubt you will be happier single. Sounds like you have nothing to lose but his crappy moods and rages.

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