To Snoop or Not to Snoop

[Ariandenotgrande]

I see going through a phone/gadget on a par with rifling through a handbag diary/underwear drawer, out of order and I would be pissed off if someone did that to me.
I suppose the question is not to drip feed or ask for judgement but to ask what people think about if it is ever reasonable to look at your OH's gadgets ? I'm not looking for an excuse or reason to do so, I've chosen not to snoop but I wonder if I'm being a bit naive or out of touch. My situation doesn't currently warrant a snoop but I'm not naive enough to be one of those 'he'd never cheat' brigade but at what point do you think, fuck it, I'm going in ?

My gut was screaming at me last night to check when he was asleep (next to me) for some reason, I couldn't sleep, over and over and over in my head wondering if something is on there, why do I think something is on there?

I have brought up the subject of are you up to anything on your phone? He has said no, unlocked it and tried to pass it me so I can look through... I didn't. If he was guilty would he do that? Am I just an insecure mess?

Is that my gut screaming or just paranoia?

Leaf - my partner has no lock on his phone and would hand it over if asked but he was still guilty. He'd delete hookup apps when at home then reinstall when I wasn't there. He deleted text chats as he went so there was never anything to find.

I only found evidence because his phone broke and he couldn't access it. I bought a special cable that gave access via a mouse and found the hookup app with chats in it.

On the few occasions I saw a suspicious text pop up he'd explain it away.

Great 😵

My heads up my arse with it at the moment, I don't know if my gut is screaming or paranoia as mentioned before.

I'm scared to unlock and go into his phone in case I get caught, or he wakes up or something.

I face regular accusations of having an OW and I caught her putting my phone down once, she knows the code. I'm sure she snoops and as my phone contains most of the work email and messages to and from clients for my business, so by snooping on me she is snooping on my clients too. Its a bit shitty but in the grand scheme of things its the least of my worries.

He once picked my phone up and said he was going to change my facebook status or something, he wasn't we both know that was a lie...

I explained it was wrong and an invasion of privacy so I can't be a massive hypocrite and do the same surely?

My gut (I think it's my gut, but I do suffer with trust issues from cheating ex partner) is literally SCREAMING.

Do I don't I?

hellsbells you've helped me on another thread a while ago, are yiu worried about your current partner' s fidelity..?

Takealeaf -
You don't need our permission, but the fact you're asking suggests to me that you really don't want to. My previous posts indicate which way I'd go, and you've said yourself you'd feel hypocritical given what you told him previously.

I'm sorry he's given you cause to suspect him. Have you outright asked him?

There are so many variations imo on this.
Firstly if you trust your partner and there are no suspicions then you should not snoop.

I know some people are very open with phones, fb etc with partners and it's all above board with both partners feeling they have nothing to hide and a male friend of mine said he would rather give his dp complete access to everything than have her worrying about anything.

It could be that everything is fine with your partner but you have anxiety, but in every aspect they are still good to be around, attentive, pleased to see you. This could be more to do with you than them doing anything and I don't think it warrants snooping.

Then there is the gut feeling. May be that their behaviour has changed slightly, or you are worried about the way the mention someone, there's been a slight shift in how you connect , at this point you ask them, if things don't improve but you still feel there's something then snooping is possibly a plan.

If they are always on their mobile, have locked it tight, hide the screen, start wearing hair new way, smelly', often put the mobile face down are grumpy at you, brought you home a newspaper clipping about secretary (stupid exh 🙄), then they are sure fire indications that something is going on and snooping is legitimate!

There are always signs and sometimes you don't see them until it's too late or (in my case with exh I was so busy I didn't have time to acknowledge them.

Tapping someone's device is not cool it is illegal and I think you have to ask yourself a) do I already have enough info? And if so then stop hurting yourself and b) remind yourself that this info gained cannot be used with out them knowing you have tapped.

I snooped on two people I had relationships with both had been abusive, one mentally, physically and everything in between. The other mentally abusive, both these me had cheated on me several times each and I just needed something that proved it as I was being told so many things I felt I was going a bit loony. Every single man I have ever had a relationship with (usually long term) has cheated on me, every single one! I have trust issues amongst others.

Very good point Pater.

I have yes, we have been in a very rocky patch at the moment and I'm just worried he has been turning to other females to talk to when we aren't talking (ignoring each other in the house). I have an insecurity about it for some reason.

I have outright asked him and he told me I was being silly.

As much as I try and put it down to me being stupid there is a feeling deep down he may be hiding something, don't ask me why, maybe I'm just to suspicious after my last relationship. Jeeez I need some counseling 😖

Good point Narcs 👍

TBH you shouldn't routinely snoop, I think. It's very unhealthy, and downright wrong. You don't have a right to know everything.

But, you do have a right to know if someone is taking the piss. I think if someone is really cheating, then you'll see other signs - if those signs are just unmistakeable, then I think checking wtf that person you trust is doing is fair enough. To confirm your suspicions. So you know if you're being abused. But only if you have reason to suspect. And it shouldn't become a habit. Once you find out, if you do, then stop tormenting yourself. Anyhow, if he or she gets wind of your suspicions, they'll probably go to great lengths to hide things, and sleep with their phone clenched in their fist ... a bad sign, I'm afraid.

Cheating is so mean. It is just so bloody mean. I don't think that if someone is cheating then they have any right to anything much, let alone privacy.

But, I do think talking/flirting by phone is minor on the scale of cheating. Fucking someone they're also sexting - that's proper cheating.

I asked to see the complete online messaging between my husband and an ex. It was from before we were together but i wanted to see it to understand what was going on because we had issues with her stalking us.
He showed me the whole convo from when they were together all hundreds of pages of it, it took me a few days to read it all but im glad i did. It certainly gave me insight into the situation.

It wouldn't occur to me, really. We do a lot of things separately & regularly see friends that the other doesn't know. I'm not bothered by what he does on his own time. And vice versa. But, as others have said, if I had a gut feeling that something was wrong...

more often than not when people feel the urge to snoop they find something.

its not as if women are rifling through every email, message, private message or whatsapp from anyone and everyone. a quick scroll through whatsapp for example and a female name you dont recognize pops up - obviously thats the one you will be clicking on.

i dont have a problem with DP looking at my phone. in this day and age there are multiple platforms for people to hide stuff on, its not just finding a reciept when doing laundry.

*women OR men

Good chance this'll end up on the Daily Fail as a story about nosy paranoid wives.

Yes OldLibrary I am indeed.
I've found out things about him that aren't very nice.
No actual cheating as yet.
He is getting help with his 'addiction' I hope in the very near future.
I need to remain for now(for many reasons I won't go into) but this is not my forever guy.
No way at all!

Oh, hells sorry to hear that.

Life can be truly shit sometimes. (Helpful and inspiring post from me)

Meh! It is what it is.
I shall move on soon enough and life will be good again.
There must surely be some good men out there!!???
But for a while I shall be happy just being me again.
Thanks again!

pater you have misunderstood me - i regret nothing..

this issue is not black and white as you seem to see it. is a lot more morally reprehensible to cheat and lie to your partner than it is to look at someone's phone

Would be a complete game changer for me. If I found out that a partner had snooped on me, or I was tempted to do it to them, then it would be game over.

An abhorrent breach of trust

Your comment naze makes me appreciate even more how truly amazing my DH is. I'm so lucky he could see I was a product of may past that I wanted to overcome as much as he wanted me too. He never took my insecurities personally or a reflection of him as you would.

I'm very lucky he thought I was worth the effort

Don't think any woman deserves there partner being like that on Facebook.
That is a joke too far... loving some of your cutting responses on here.