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Original poster

To Snoop or Not to Snoop

74 replies

Ariandenotgrande · 01/02/2017 16:02

I see going through a phone/gadget on a par with rifling through a handbag diary/underwear drawer, out of order and I would be pissed off if someone did that to me.
I suppose the question is not to drip feed or ask for judgement but to ask what people think about if it is ever reasonable to look at your OH's gadgets ? I'm not looking for an excuse or reason to do so, I've chosen not to snoop but I wonder if I'm being a bit naive or out of touch. My situation doesn't currently warrant a snoop but I'm not naive enough to be one of those 'he'd never cheat' brigade but at what point do you think, fuck it, I'm going in ?

OP posts:

OldLibrary · 01/02/2017 16:37

I snooped, after a gut feeling when he was supposed to be trying to sort things with me.

I found evidence which would have enabled me to divorce him on the grounds of adultery. As well as confirming my suspicions and making me relapse I wasn't mad (again!)

I'd given him plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth, but he denied everything.

I don't regret it at all, and would do it again if I suspect anything, though this time I shall leave immediately.

SparklingRaspberry · 01/02/2017 16:39

I have snooped before. Not on my current partner though.

If I honestly thought someone was cheating on me then yes I would snoop again. Asking outright doesn't always give you the answers, some people are very good liars and once they know you're onto them then of course they're going to get rid of all evidence.

jeepersweepers · 01/02/2017 16:44

I still don't have the full truth despite the evidence from the lover. Neither of them can categorically prove their version of the story (whether it was physical or not) so I am left in limbo.

I am now a semi-expert in phone snooping though! I've even been on the dark web to find a hacker but it's really not that easy.

Technically, I bought his phone via my Amazon account using his card details so in the eyes of the law it could be mine.

Bluntness100 · 01/02/2017 16:44

I'm not sure it's snooping, but I've occasionally had a nosey look at text notications coming through on the lock screen, I've never went in and had a look although I have the code. I don't feel the need really.

user1485706893 · 01/02/2017 16:44

I snooped on my ex, master manipulator, emotional abuser, pity me type of deal. Turns out he was full on cheating and engaged to his 'ex' that he never broke up with. Best thing I ever did. Me and my DH are always on eachothers devices, not for snooping but we share facebook just because I don't have it so if some one gets in contact then it's through there usually. We just use whoevers phone is to hand for all sorts. Doesn't bother either of us at all. My BIL and SIL NEVER look at eachothers phones, ever. each to their own, depends on how you are as a person and who you're with.

MegFlyAway · 01/02/2017 16:46

I never ever felt the need to check my ex DH's phone - until I felt something was up. It confirmed the beginnings of an emotional affair.

TheNameIsBarbara · 01/02/2017 16:48

I feel if your in a long term relationship there should be a level of trust, but I trust DH so much that I don't have an issue with him being in my underwear drawers, using my phone and computer.

If there was something suspicious or of concern then yes I would snoop as I would prefer to know what, if anything, was happening.

Generally if you have a happy/normal relationship and are bumbling along together you don't need to snoop. Phones don't tend to have or need locks (or if they do you know each others passcode etc), and there doesn't need to be checking up on your spouse. It only tends to arise when one party starts acting differently in my experience.

TheNameIsBarbara · 01/02/2017 16:48

*you're

hellsbellsmelons · 01/02/2017 16:51

If you feel such lack of trust then TALK about it
A cheater will just deny it though.
Have all sorts of excuses and reasons for things.
Believe me, I talk and ask and every other thing you can think of.
But they deny deny deny.
So guess what?? Yep, it's up to you to find out!

jeepersweepers · 01/02/2017 16:54

Hells bells - oh my god, the lying! Why can't they just admit it when caught out? Minimising things leaves us with no option but to believe the absolute worse case scenario.

Boolovessulley · 01/02/2017 16:58

I've only done it once and I'm glad I did.

My ex h had forgotten to take his phone.
He had been behaving very oddly for ages.
Alternating between telling me I was all he ever wanted to telling me that unless I did X,y and X then he was leaving.
His phone was lying there and the only way I can describe it was like a scene from Alice through the looking glass where an item says eat me on it, except the phone was saying look through me.

Sure enough there were endless messages from the ow.

I was heartbroken but everything then fell into place.

I had always trusted him upto that point.

I told him to leave after that.

For me it was definitely the correct thing to do.

user1479305498 · 01/02/2017 17:24

HellsBellsMelons post below- to me says it all. I would love to be that v person who says I would never do this life isnt that simpleIm afraid after 20 years I have been full on Sherlock Holmes! Strangely I didnt find anything relating to current gut feeling-but did find a load of stuff I would rather not have known about from 11 years ago.

end a relationship if you don't think someone's trustworthy
Ahhh... if only life was that simple.
Wait until it happens to you and then see if you can just end a 15 year relationship with kids because of this!
You need that proof.
You need to know you are NOT the bad guy.
You need to understand what is going on.
Why you feel like you are going crazy!
Sorry but you do.

Hidingtonothing · 01/02/2017 17:46

I have snooped, DH was flirting with someone on FB and I needed to know whether it had gone further via private messages. It hadn't but I told him I'd checked and made sure he realised what his flirting had driven me to.

I'm not a suspicious person by nature but he has lied (mostly about stupid stuff) on several occasions over the years and accepts that it has damaged my ability to trust him. I know all his PIN's (and he knows mine) and assures me he would rather I check if I have any doubts than drive myself mad worrying.

I know people say without trust you have no relationship but we have a strong marriage in most areas and we both accept that there are things you have to work through if you want to stay together. We've both made mistakes and some of our behaviours (like his lying) pre-date our relationship, I guess we accept that neither of us is perfect but feel we have enough going for us as a couple that it's worth putting the work in to stay together.

TataEs · 01/02/2017 17:54

i have never, in 8years, read a single message on my husbands phone. even when things where tough and there was a lot going on with him and some people have definitely justified it for less. but i was clear from the outset, i would not tolerate someone going thru my phone, if anyone did it i would leave them. my ex used to go thru my phone all the time and pick apart perfectly innocent texts (in the days before you got the whole conversation, just the received messages) and ultimately he was the one who couldn't keep his dick in his pants. i would not tolerate it. so i wouldn't do it.

i dunno, i don't suppose i even could, i have zero interest and don't know his password or anything. i've never asked for it. i wouldn't need it.

pocketsaviour · 01/02/2017 17:56

Whenever I've "snooped", I've been right.

I don't see it as morally wrong at all. And I would not have a problem with any partner of mine going through my phone/emails/texts etc.

user1479305498 · 01/02/2017 18:03

Nope I dont have a problem with anyone going through mine. The only time I have ever done it was when I was given big cause to have nasty gut feelings.

Hidingtonothing · 01/02/2017 18:11

I guess ultimately I believe if you lie you deserve to be found out and only have yourself to blame if it means your partner doesn't trust you. Most people who 'snoop' have reason to, whether that's past lies, changes in behaviour or gut instinct and it doesn't always mean a relationship is on the scrap heap.

I don't think anyone can make a blanket judgement that it's 'morally wrong', it depends on the individuals and the overall dynamic of their relationship, we're all different and what works for one person or couple may not work for another.

PaterPower · 01/02/2017 19:14

Of course someone can make a blanket decision that it's "morally wrong"...

You either believe something (theft, murder, cheating, invading someone's privacy, whatever), goes against your own moral code or you don't. But you generally don't make it up as you go along!

As I said earlier, I've been in a place where exW was cheating on me so I know exactly how strong the urge to "know" everything can be. Wouldn't have made it right for me to go invading her privacy snooping though.

OldLibrary · 01/02/2017 19:17

I didn't know he was cheating though. I suspected it, he lied lied and lied, very convincingly, but I knew something was up.

as a pp said, o couldn't just up and leave on basis if an instinct, 18 years be two kids in!

PaterPower · 01/02/2017 19:18

And just because person A wouldn't "mind" their phone being searched obsessively by their partner (although I suspect they might actually get rather pissed off with the lack of trust it implied in reality), that doesn't give them the right to decide person B shouldn't either, or that person B should have no expectations of privacy on a device they own / a website they use.

Chaotica · 01/02/2017 19:24

What HellsBells has said. Exactly. I couldn't destroy my family on a strong suspicion and when I asked he lied and lied and lied.

AllTheLight · 01/02/2017 19:24

I've been married for 13 years. I have access to DH's emails, as both of our email addresses are synced to our iPad. Very occasionally I do have a quick glance through his, but maybe that doesn't count as snooping, as he is obviously aware I could easily do so?

I don't have his phone pass code and I've never tried to look at it.

So I guess the answer is that I don't snoop. I trust him, and even if that makes me stupid and naive I'd rather be that than constantly on the alert for signs of cheating.

Hidingtonothing · 01/02/2017 19:39

Pater we'll have to agree to disagree I'm afraid, there are some moral judgements which require consideration of all the individual circumstances rather than being black and white. Yes of course we all have a moral code but invasion of privacy and murder are hardly comparable. I would never invade someone's privacy without good reason but I do believe sometimes there is a good reason, a rationale I would never apply to murder!

Joysmum · 01/02/2017 20:56

I post about this a fair bit.

Having been in an abusive relationship prior to DH I couldn't trust my instincts because they failed me then.

Got together with DH who knew of my past and the rape and me only realizing it was rape rather than the excuses I'd tried to make for him until years later.

DH loved me despite my insecurities and was happy with anything that gave me peace.

Yes a snooped, yes there was nothing! I learnt to trust again quicker because I snooped, and by trust I mean in myself, not him! I trusted him as much as I can but feared the worst because I couldn't understand what he saw in me. I still can't truth be told but at least I believe him in that.

BumDNC · 01/02/2017 23:00

I did once only, ever and I was right about it.

I snooped because he couldn't be trusted to tell me the truth. I had begged for it. I needed to know so that I knew I wasn't going mad like he told me I was. I could/should have left anyway in Peter's eyes but it wasn't that simple - he didn't want me to leave him, which is why it was hidden and he convinced me I was imagining it, proposing to me etc etc to mess with my decision making.

I see snooping in this kind of situation as taking control of something that is out of control. I think people clearly feel pushed near to a level of madness when they do it, and trust me if there was an alternative to snooping - like the fucking truth from his mouth, then that's what I would have chosen. No one enjoys doing it or wants to do it. It can be a last resort action

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