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Original poster

Is our financial arrangement completely dysfunctional and am I wrong to be fed up with it?

77 replies

Frombathwithlove · 31/01/2017 23:59

I posted this in another section on MN, but one of the poster's suggested I put it here instead ☺

This will probably be a bit lengthy, so you might want to grab a coffee!
So, the basics are: DP and I have been together 7 years and live together in a rented house. Both married before, my 2 DC live with us and DP's 2 children live with his ex and her partner. DP works full time and I work part-time (at least 30hrs/wk spread over 3 jobs). I receive maintenance from my ExH and DP pays maintenance to his ExW. I also receive child benefit for DC's.
That's the basics! The rub is this; DP and I pay 50% each of rent & joint utilities. We pay our own individual bills independently (i.e car insurance, credit cards, pension, catalogues etc and we run a car each). We have separate personal bank accounts that our wages go in to - mine also has CB and maintenance going in to it - we have a joint 'bills' account that we pay our 50% in to and the direct debits go out of that.
Alongside this, I fully support my dc with EVERYTHING! From clothes to school trips to Christmas & birthday presents. On their birthdays we all go out for a meal and I pay. DP earns approx. £10,000 pa more than me , he pays maintenance for his dc (as mentioned before) and sees them for 1 day every weekend. If DP, my DC and I go for a coffee/lunch when out, I pay. I buy all the necessary things needed for the home (decorating, furniture when needed, soon to be flooring & carpets too). We also pay an amount in to the joint account to cover food, 50/50 again - it never covers the cost of food though, I always have to add to it.
So, the whole 'separate the finances' came about a few years ago when DP was moaning about what I prioritised when it came to money. I got really cross and worked a ratio of what we should pay, along the lines of: he earns x % more so should pay more (I know that sounds arsey, but it was how I felt). DP didn't like the ratio and said that there were 3 of us (me & DC x2) and only 1 of him so why should he pay more? He said it wasn't happy with it and agreed 50/50.
So, here we are. I feel like a single parent within a relationship! But, actually worse off than a single parent; because if I was truly on my own I would get assistance from the DSS!
Would this annoy/upset you?
(In fact, is it so garbled that you lost the plot ages ago?)

From posting in the other section, it became clear I needed to give some more details, so for clarity:
My income, including maintenance and CB is approx. £15,000 pa. His income (after paying maintenance for his dc) is just over £25,000.
We live in a Housing Association house.

I don't expect DP to support me whilst I work part time. I cannot work full time due to the hours of my main employment not fitting in around my DC, and he cannot help me with childcare due to his job. I work three separate jobs that do fit in around the DC.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 01/02/2017 12:33

My god could he be any more tight and as for every time you go out with you and your DC, you always pay, even if it's a coffee; Christ, he hates to put his hand in his pocket eh, sorry but this all sounds very much to his advantage and he couldn't make the gap any wider between your kids and his - I'd not be happy with this arrangement one bit, it's like all business and no kindness.

FrizzBombDelight · 01/02/2017 12:40

I think it all sounds fair to be honest, apart from him not paying for his share of furniture, etc.

Adora10 · 01/02/2017 12:48

I got really cross and worked a ratio of what we should pay, along the lines of: he earns x % more so should pay more (I know that sounds arsey, but it was how I felt). DP didn't like the ratio and said that there were 3 of us (me & DC x2) and only 1 of him so why should he pay more? He said it wasn't happy with it and agreed 50/50.
So, here we are. I feel like a single parent within a relationship! But, actually worse off than a single parent; because if I was truly on my own I would get assistance from the DSS

So he earns ten grand more than the OP and going by above, he's basically saying he won't pay a jot towards the upkeep of her child; where is the blended family here - you should not be worse of sharing your life with another individual, you surely should be better off than being a single parent, something not right there.

And, yes I think he should put more in the pot, he earns more, ten grand more!

I still maintain he's a tight wad.

Original poster
Frombathwithlove · 01/02/2017 12:52

@BarbarianMum
If you were to some of the previous posts I have made, you will see that the whole 'supporting DCs and I financially'discussion was had before DP moved in, when I laid cards on the table and said that I couldn't manage if he moved in and didn't help me. We had long, drawn out conversations about it and I agreed to it being viable when he assured me he had every intention of being financially supportive, as mentioned before he told me 'we'would actually be better off because he earnt substantially more than I would be losing. I am not out to find somebody to allow me and dcs to free-wheel, I was managing fine on my own, that is why I had reservations in the first place. He promised me we would be a team, managing the household as a unit and I have ended up with something totally different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frombathwithlove · 01/02/2017 12:54

And, I am the designated 'housekeeper' as I only work part-time.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 01/02/2017 13:01

Nah, time to tell him OP that you are not willing to carry on with the present financial arrangement, he's better off and you are actually worse off, fuck that and he knows very well, he's renegaded on the original plan - it all sounds very beneficial to him and a good housewife to do all the shit work at home too - he's happy - not bothered about you being worse off though is he, nice.

Original poster
Frombathwithlove · 01/02/2017 13:01

His DC live 4 miles away PaterPower, he sees them for 1 day every weekend; so no expense required for that journey. He often takes them out for the day or if not he brings them over to ours and they eat here.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 01/02/2017 13:39

So when his two kids come to your home and eat there, you are effectively paying more towards the cost of feeding them but yet you have to pay for the coffees and or snacks when just you him and your child?

Original poster
Frombathwithlove · 01/02/2017 13:55

Yes, Adora10. He has a 13yr and a 9 yr old. They are both lovely and my 2 DC really enjoy their company, so we like their visits - but, (alongside my 2 DC!) they do require lots of sustainance!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/02/2017 14:13

Jesus wept! So he gets lower rent by living in a HA home, less maintenance to pay out for his kids, no expenses on home upkeep and full housekeeping. He landed on his feet with you! STOP enabling this shit. He's fucking over his kids and yours.

I'd tell him it's over because he's a tightwad. He will balk at moving out because he's on the tenancy, so talk to your HA.

STOP doing FA for him. NO doing shit for him. Stop being his mug.

I disagree with the idea that if a person gets into a relationship with someone with kids, then he/she has to financially support them, but he blatantly lied to you and agreed to this.

NettleTea · 01/02/2017 14:31

You do 30 hours a week, and I guess he is doing 40? But I expect alot of those extra 10 hours are spent doing kids stuff, not twiddling your thumbs, and having to negotiate kids stuff you cannot do a straight 9-5

So no. Housework shouldnt be down to you.

What would be fair is to look at it the other way round, so you have a percentage of 'spare' money each a week - so he earns 25K and you earn £15K, so everything should be put in the pot, bills paid, everything coming out of the pot, and what is left is divided so that he has £25 for every £15 you have to spend or save. Maybe put some of the pot into a savings account each month too, to save for things like repairing the flooring.

It might be worth pulling up that email if he gets arsey

also worth looking at 'entitled to' to see exactly how much money you are losing by having him move in at current rates (obviously calculating in extra rent and bills you would be paying) Might be worth looking at rental rates for him too, with all his bills, to demonstrate how much he is saving

You should NOT be dipping into your own money for shortfalls - you need to tell him straight up EVERY time you cant afford something. And he needs to be contributing to extra food at weekends, especially if he wont pay for a coffee for your kids

LesisMiserable · 01/02/2017 14:59

ohfudginghell did you dp have any children of his own when you got together?

MommaGee · 01/02/2017 15:02

I think it's hard to expect a stepparent to love their stepchildren not really. I love my niece and she's not technically mine (she is tho, she's mine mine mine). I love my friends kids and they're not mine. I think 7 years o living day in day out its natural to expect a bond of love to form

I am constantly amazed that people will live with and have children with someone who does not trust them to combine incomes in a joint account. lots of reasons not to go joint, not necessarily trust based

MommaGee · 01/02/2017 15:04

The bottom line is you want him to (partially) support you and your children financially and he doesn't want to (only he already does, a bit, because he pays half of rent and utility bills).

Except that if you're paying rent and utilities for a house you live in you're not supporting the other person, you're paying your way.

LesisMiserable · 01/02/2017 15:05

I think expecting anyone to love anyone else is hard. Obviously you'd hope they would in time.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2017 15:08

'The bottom line is you want him to (partially) support you and your children financially and he doesn't want to (only he already does, a bit, because he pays half of rent and utility bills).'

He agreed to because she lost money when he moved in. He has reneged. He has also fucked over his children by getting his maintenance lowered even though he does not contribute to the support of her children.

If he weren't there she would be entitled to some housing benefit to pay the rent and the bills would be lower and she'd get a council tax discount.

LesisMiserable · 01/02/2017 15:11

I personally dont think someone should have their maintenance lowered to support their own children less so they can support other peoples. I think people should be made to look after the children they made. This whole thing would be negated

MommaGee · 01/02/2017 15:13

Lesis ok so we can't expect anyone to love our child but I'd be quite shocked if my niece and nephews step dad and said he didn't love the after that time as they all live together. Whereas my moms partner who she's been with most of my life doesn't love me but then he's not raised me

expatinscotland · 01/02/2017 15:13

I agree, Les.

MommaGee · 01/02/2017 15:15

I would expect that money gap between what he'd pay for his kids if he was single as opposed to now to go into an account or on experiences etc for them. His pocketing it really just makes him a shit unless he's so skint it's the only way to keep going

babba2014 · 01/02/2017 15:25

If he's named on the HA home then he can't even move out easily can he?

Ellisandra · 01/02/2017 15:41

If I were his XW's friend, I'd be calling him a total arsehole.

Aside from how he's treating you, how can you find any love for a man that reduces his CM? I can't do love with respect, and there's no way you can respect that.

Total cunt.

FreckledLeopard · 01/02/2017 15:55

I couldn't live like this and split from a previous partner over the exact same issue.

I'm of the view that relationships should be based on fairness. I earn more than DP at present and as such, I subsidise him to a degree, otherwise he could never afford to do any nice things (holidays, meals out). I don't resent that at all. My ex-p refused to contribute fairly and earned significantly more than me. There were endless arguments about food (ex-P didn't want to pay half, as DD ate food and ex had no children; ex didn't want to pay half of broadband or TV as thought channels that DD watched were unnecessary. The list was endless).

It was soul destroying to live like that. I wouldn't adjust your expectations - I'd find someone kinder and more willing to contribute to you and your children.

Naicehamshop · 01/02/2017 17:02

Whatexpat said.

He agreed to make up the money that you lost out on by having him move in. He has now gone back on his word.

Sit down and go through everything very carefully. Also bring up the fact that he made a promise of financial support to you. If he refuses to accept this, then you will have to think very, very carefully about whether you really want to stay with him.

Adora10 · 01/02/2017 17:15

There were endless arguments about food (ex-P didn't want to pay half, as DD ate food and ex had no children; ex didn't want to pay half of broadband or TV as thought channels that DD watched were unnecessary. The list was endless).

Jesus these men are real catches eh lol, seriously though OP if you are having to post on here to have your fears confirmed then you know yourself this is not fair, you should not be out of pocket because of him!