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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So upset

73 replies

Peaches77 · 31/01/2017 19:57

I feel sick writtting this

h told dd to call me a horrible c word tonight. We had an argument as he had went off to do his hobby straight after dinner after I was working all day and he was off. DD still went to crèche and he picked her up just before I got out of work.

I was angry at him and told him I'm fed up how he isn't a proper father he does his own thing all the time. This caused an argument knfdont of dd who is 3 and he said to her 'tell mummy she is a horrible c*'

I'm on a temp contract which ends next month no sign of any work house is in H name and he won't leave. I have nowhere to go and no money (we don't have a joint account).

He did this once before but DD was too young to understand but now she is talking. I know I should leave but he makes me feel like I deserve it. Everything is my fault all the time. I am so drained

OP posts:
Ellieboolou27 · 31/01/2017 21:11

Op who is easy to live with, being shouty doesn't make you a cunt, it makes you a shouty person. He is financially abusing you, how long have you been married? I'm sure that even though your not on the deeds you would be legally entitled to part of the house, put yourself in a stronger position by getting some legal advice.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2017 21:14

I see. He is a "lawyer" like a GP receptionist is a "doctor" ?

He is financially as well as emotionally abusive. He is also a child abuser. Social services would be very interested to hear that he is teaching a little girl to refer to her mother as a cunt

Original poster
Peaches77 · 31/01/2017 21:15

I've made excuses for his behaviour for a long time mainly his shit up bringing but tonight has crossed a line for me.

I do 99% of childcare alone and I love when it's just me and DD when he is there it's usually a battle to get him to do things with us then he grumps about it. My only worry is for DD I don't want her alone with him and his family for long periods of times I know how vindictive and cruel they are during marriage breakups and kids involved as surprise surprise this won't be the first within his family

OP posts:
BluePheasant · 31/01/2017 21:17

So he's financially abuse too by the sounds of it. He doesn't let you have enough money for his own child's shoes? What the fuck??? Disgusting.

OP he has eroded your confidence and self belief. He has made you doubt everything. Move in with your mum as soon as you can. Doubt worry about the house, you will get your share in the divorce settlement.

BluePheasant · 31/01/2017 21:19

Sorry typos, he's making me too angry to type!

Only1scoop · 31/01/2017 21:29

Ugh what an utterly disgusting specimen he is.

Original poster
Peaches77 · 31/01/2017 21:30

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply

I am in dds bed now and I'm gonna go to sleep he won't bother me now.

My plan is to ring mum and make arrangements to go stay with her DD has lots of cousins home and they all
Adore her as she is the baby. Tonight was the final straw tonight and I'm sure he knows that too.

Usually I try and apologise to smooth things over not this time

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2017 21:33

Good for you

If you need any more resolve than you already have, picture yourself trying to explain when the preschool nursery teacher asks you to explain why your sweet girl is calling her little friends cunts

Your "man" is setting that up to happen. He doesn't care as long as he sees you hurt. He is abusing his child to make you suffer.

pilates · 31/01/2017 21:36

I am glad you are not allowing this to continue.

What a despicable man.

Only1scoop · 31/01/2017 21:38

Don't apologise Op

You've nothing to 'smooth over'

Sounds like a plan

I couldn't get past that either.

BluePheasant · 31/01/2017 21:42

Start a new life where DD can grow up with her cousins. It sounds perfect.

FlowerOfTheValley · 31/01/2017 21:56

Well done OP. You and your DD deserve miles better than this vile man. He will never change. X

Happybunny19 · 01/02/2017 09:27

Morning OP, how are you today? I hope you've managed to go and stay with your mum. Nobody should tolerate the abuse you've received and you are definitely doing the right thing by getting your dd out of there. Hope you're ok Flowers

BantyCustards · 01/02/2017 14:25

So glad you are kicking this appalling, vile POS to the kerb. I caouldn't even fathom spending £15k on myself while my partner and child went without.

Stay strong OP and prepare yourself for some serious manipulative bullying and gaslighting when he realises his control is slipping.

My advice is to only communicate via email, and only about child contact (though IIWY I'd be withholding it and getting myself off to a solicitor - you may qualify for legal aid if you have evidence of his abuse) and under no circumstances take no notice of the financial threats and character assassinations that will ensue. Adopt the air of a grey rock.

Good luck

Adora10 · 01/02/2017 16:37

Great you have taken the good advice above; a normal human being just would not even contemplate saying this; it's abuse and he's now using your daughter as part of that abuse; get away from this nasty piece of work as soon as you can OP.

Original poster
Peaches77 · 06/02/2017 18:05

Once I finish my contract I'm off to mums she is so happy he has no idea this is happening.

He is away with work tonight and has locked the heating so I can't turn it on (he has one of those wifi apps) have asked him to turn it on its v cold tonight and he's ignoring my messages

I really don't know what I have done in life to deserve to be treated like this

OP posts:
BluePheasant · 06/02/2017 18:24

That's awful OP. I mean that is just sadistic. So he is out enjoying the fact that you can't even have heating without his say so. He doesn't even care his own child might be cold.

You've done nothing to deserve it. Nothing at all. Just take control of your life back by getting away Flowers

fusspot66 · 06/02/2017 18:31

Can you get photographic evidence of the heating control panel? This is abuse.

fusspot66 · 06/02/2017 18:33

It will help you limit his unsupervised contact with DD while she is small

Summerof85 · 06/02/2017 19:01

This is so awful OP. Imagine telling your 3 year old DD to call her mother a despicable name. He sounds vile and controlling, also abusive. My father used to do things like refusing to let my mother turn the heating on to try and control her. She used to talk about leaving him for years, never did, now he is disabled and she is stuck being his carer. Although ironically he is a nicer person now. I digress. Also the fact he is happy to spend £15000 on a car but you can't get shoes for your daughter? With your name not being on the house, I take it that was his idea too? Like others have said I would get legal advice, he might say you are getting nothing but he won't have a choice hopefully. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Peaches77 · 06/02/2017 19:26

I took a video of me trying to turn it on and it saying locked.

My only worry about leaving is the contact he'll have with DD I know he will try and turn her against me when she is older and that breaks my heart

OP posts:
YouHadMeAtCake · 06/02/2017 19:30

OP I am so sorry, that is awful. This is a definite LTB for me. Please get out.

Summerof85 · 06/02/2017 19:42

Im no expert but if he is refusing to buy her shoes or put the heating on for her then contact could be limited? Also what he is telling her to say to you? He doesnt seem to spend much time looking after her at the moment anyway.

BluePheasant · 07/02/2017 13:06

OP keep gathering evidence of his behaviour.

The way he is controlling finances and preventing basic needs like heating and shoes is important.

Sound recordings of the name calling would be good but if you can't do that then keep a log of dates and times and what was said.

If he is shown to be abusive then he will have trouble having unsupervised contact with DD.

Under no circumstances should you stay with him through fear of what he could say to DD behind your back. Trust me, it will be so much easier for him to do things like that if you stay.

tipsytrifle · 07/02/2017 13:28

Do you really have to see out your contract? This man is cruel, repulsive and abusive. Clearly out to demonstrate how he can control you and dd. It's wonderful to hear that you will be leaving. Please try not to let him know of any plans you make. Still, is it not tempting you to go tonight when he's away?

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