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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's up with this guy?

54 replies

Princessmollygolly · 31/01/2017 10:40

I've posted about this guy before, a few weeks ago. We have been seeing each other a month now and had 7 dates, including 2 sleepovers/sex - but mainly just lovely stuff, loads of long conversations, questions, him initiating dates 1-2 times a week, all pretty good. He hasn't been a big texter, I generally hear from him every 1-2 days between dates, and he never calls. But he does consistently set stuff up.
We had a lovely evening on Sunday. He initially invited me to his but I declined as was pretty sure it would lead to sex and it's hard for me to get to work from where he lives on a Monday morning. So we met in town, had a lovely dinner and drinks, chatting/kissing for 6 hours. He put me on a bus home and said he would text me.
And since.. nothing!
I don't know when I'm next seeing him. He intimated that he was busy tue/wed/thu/possibly fri/sat all day, which I brushed off at the time but in conjunction with me now not knowing when I'll next see him feels a bit odd. He used to set up the next date right after the last one. I've initiated contact more recently and am usually the one to text after dates to say I had a lovely time. But this time I didn't and he didn't either. It's on the 2nd day of no contact now and after a date with some deep chats about our families etc and lots of affection it just feels a bit off.
I don't want to be needy etc, or mess this up. I don't know what the normal level of contact is at this point or how they should be between dates. When I am with him it's great then it's like whenever we get slightly closer he disappears for 1-2 days and comes back totally neutral. I'm getting worried and it's awful! Friends I have asked have said "yeah that's bit weird" that he hasn't been in touch.
Any opinions very welcome!

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 31/01/2017 15:35

If he was really keen on you, he'd manage to fit you in. He could meet you at lunchtime from work, for just a coffee after work before he has to dash off somewhere. That's what you do when you are keen.

The 'will you be staying over?' thing seems to indicate clearly that he might make an effort to accommodate you if you suggest that sex is on the table. Otherwise, he won't bother.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 31/01/2017 15:43

He has said he could do Friday night in his part of our city (about an hour journey from me). No more details than that. I can see that he probably anticipates that we will have drink/s, sex and then go our separate ways in the morning. It just doesn't feel that special. I don't think he will put in much effort between now and then either. I accept what pps are saying about how it's early days and he hasn't ghosted me, it's more that he clearly has an expectation of sex without much effort and he isn't even trying to impress me. He asked me what I have on this week and when I replied trying to be chatty he read the messages but hasn't replied and has been online since. So that just felt a bit half hearted too.
I think, maybe because I hate these convos over text, I should just meet him on Friday evening and see how it seems in person. And make it clear that I'm not after casual/fwb type thing. His reaction should tell me what I need to know. Then I can leave if it doesn't go down well.

OP posts:
Twiterati · 31/01/2017 15:54

Hi op, just based purely on what you say I don't think he is that interested and yes it does seem that unless sex is on the cards then he probably wouldn't bother. Asking you if you intend staying over is definitely asking if you intend having sex. When he says he is busy those other days, does he explain how and why? I suspect he has someone else in the go who may be offering more up but in any event I doubt he's in it for the long haul if he's already this hard work.

Ellisandra · 31/01/2017 15:57

I'd probably go for drinks on Friday but tell him in advance you're not staying over (fake plans for Sat morning if you like).

If he's not keen on meeting any more, and fobs you off - move on.

If he seems half hearted on the Friday - move on.

If you have a lovely evening, then enjoy it for what it is then sit back and let him make the next date.

Why is he so busy? I work away and have a child and genuinely have stretches where I'm too busy to date. But my boyfriend and I both did everything we could to slot something in. If this was more than a month I'd hold out for super keen to be honest. But as it's just a month I'd see how Friday went - without sex.

Have you had a conversation about exclusivity? I know it can be a bit more of an online dating thing - but if he is doing / has done that, he may assume you know he's not committed to you.

itcuddles · 31/01/2017 15:58

I'm going to say he's just not that into you. This happened to me last year, when we were together it was incredible but in between seeing each other it was like I didn't exist. We were together for 4 months before he ended it suddenly saying we weren't right for each other. Honestly just get out now as the longer it goes on the more hurt you will be. As others have said it shouldn't be this difficult so early on.

Mumandsome78 · 31/01/2017 16:59

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP. It almost exactly mirrors to the date of meeting to slackening in comms I've also experienced with a guy. I'm in a miserable mind frame because of the uncertainty and of course the distancing in between meets and non commital texting has meant I feel I simply can't initiate the
conversation I feel I need to regain some control. I think I agree with most of the posters here that for both of us, it's become hard work and for that alone, it's not sensible to continue. Peace of mind is important and the constant interpretation of messages, lapse between reading and responding etc is maddening and exhausting and not at all a foundation for a good long term rel. good luck to you. I intend to get back onto OLD and set up some coffees etc to take my mind off the wondering and feeling of rejection. Let us know how it all evolves. Xxx

CondensedMilkSarnies · 31/01/2017 17:10

It's horrible this dating malarkey. It just shouldn't be this difficult though.

Sounds as if he's just after sex to me , which is fine if that's what you want but you don't so is leave it.

As my friend and I say 'Next'!

PollyPerky · 31/01/2017 17:18

I'm not dating because I've been married for ages, but it strikes me that the over-use of text nowadays causes more issues than it solves.

I do feel for you OP but at the same time I can't help feeling that the 'modern way' of texting daily or between dates is something of a double edged sword.

The expectation that people will text so often is bound to lead to disappointment if their texting styles differ.

When I did date, it was a case of a date, then wait and see if there was a phone call afterwards to arrange another date. If there wasn't, I might have made one call to test the water and say 'hello' but then left it if he didn't arrange a date.

And even when DH and I dated for 3 years LDR we'd only speak about once in mid week(no mobiles then!)

I think too much texting ruins things. You set your heart on getting a reply, it's not quite what you want, you get all anxious over it. I don't know if this helps at all OP and as I say I'm not dating, but isn't there something to be said for a text to say 'I enjoyed the dinner' or whatever, then just leaving it, not texting daily, hourly or whatever, and seeing what happens (in future?)

squishee · 31/01/2017 21:11

One month in and it sounds exhausting. I think you're making it harder for yourself by trying to read this guy without actually talking to him.

chasingrainbows27 · 31/01/2017 21:46

Lots of people find texting dull and all the 'how are you, how was your day' stuff is pretty tedious. Sorry, but its conversation for conversations sake.

Do you genuinely like this guy or is it just infuriating you because you have to keep guessing what he wants?

If you genuinely like him, relax and go along Friday and have a good time. A month in isn't a long time at all and it does seem like you're overthinking.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 31/01/2017 22:03

Update- I couldn't arrange babysitting for Friday in the end (have a 2yo daughter) so wouldn't be able to go out. When I said this he suggested he could come round to mine and he could bring dinner and some wine. I didn't really expect that, more expected him to use it as an excuse to cry off (if he wasn't interested.) I reminded him my dd would be in my care so couldn't really do sleepover etc. He said that was totally fine.
Not sure what to make of that. Maybe I really did overreact about him losing interest.

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 31/01/2017 22:09

Just go with the flow , you'll drive yourself mad trying to second guess everything .

Thinkingofausername1 · 01/02/2017 10:02

I think that it sounds all he is keen on is sex and he is either married or seeing other people. I would distance yourself, he doesn't sound worth the bother

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 01/02/2017 10:18

He's not married. I've been to his flat a couple of times and know a couple of his friends from before. His last serious relationship finished end of summer (so he says).
Seems like the view is I'm either overthinking and he's not acting weird OR I should just not bother as he's not interested. No idea what is right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 02/02/2017 11:19

Havent heard from him since Tuesday now- does not seem normal/polite when he is supposed to be coming round to mine for the first time tomorrow. Really bad feeling about it. Confused

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 02/02/2017 11:25

Text him! Why does he have to text you?

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 02/02/2017 11:47

I've initiated all our conversations for the past week...feeling a bit silly now.

OP posts:
Maudlinmaud · 02/02/2017 11:57

Op follow your gut instinct, if it doesn't feel right. I would make other plans for tomorrow, make a really nice tea for you and your daughter and forget about him.
If he is keen he will treat you properly.

Ellisandra · 02/02/2017 11:59

When I had an OLD profile I said in it "I'm an avid texter - when I'm in a relationship, I enjoy pretty much daily chit chat, albeit sometimes brief". So I set my stall out early.

You have to work out two things:

  • is he perfectly happy with you but not a daily contacter
  • even if he is happy but likes less contact, does that suit you?

What do you want? Phone calls every evening or a quick how was your day text?

Tell him what you like, ask him what he's usually happy with.

No-one can guess his motives. If I'm into someone, I talk to them every day - and I don't count who started it first, when I'm secure about how they feel.
But to others, that's pretty claustrophobic.

chasingrainbows27 · 02/02/2017 13:58

You've not heard from him since Tuesday... it is only Thursday lunchtime now?

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 02/02/2017 14:13

It just feels a bit odd. We will have barely spoken this week then when we are together it's all lovely and in a way quite intense from him. I feel a bit confused by it all.

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 03/02/2017 09:26

The reason he hasn't text you is because he doesn't want to. He sounds like he may be a player and at the moment you are totally at his beck and call, waiting until he wants to see you. Take control back and write him off, all this analysing and second guessing isn't good for you and it's not how a relationship should be.

I repeat he hasn't text because he doesn't want.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 03/02/2017 09:26

*want to

Mils45 · 03/02/2017 11:22

How old is he? Is he into social media etc.? Does he have a stressful job? Child?

Mils45 · 03/02/2017 11:43

I'm 27 (female) and I don't even have social media (love mumsnet though). When I was single/dating I didn't like texting in between dates either unless to organise next date because I just really really enjoy face to face conversation. Texting in between ruined it for me actually.

I have been with my OH for four years now, we hardly text, never really have.... never just to chat. We only message for a purpose (what time are you home or sending stupid love emojis).

I know I'm a rare one, especially at my age, but maybe this guy is just another rare one. :-)

Stop over thinking and just go with your gut feeling. If you like him, enjoying it and it feels right enjoy. If you feel like he's just in it for sex then leave it.

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