Keeps threatening to leave/kill himself!

[user1485810545]

For over a year every time we argued my husband would pack his bags and threatened to leave. It got to the point if I even got grumpy because I was tried he would threaten to leave! In the last three months I made sure I didn't upset him and it got to the point he was shouting at me because I put a deodorant on 'his' shelf by mistake! My husband has never been one to express emotion and has never been keen on dealing with them. I suggested perhaps he's depressed as he would explode at the slightest thing, I would react and get upset and then he was packing his bags leaving again. It became so stressful I began to get panic attacks constantly begging don't leave and always wondering if he would be gone next week. I often felt confused as to what I had actually done most times! We have two young children 5 and 2, so I just tried my best to keep us all together. Last month he did it once again and I said fine, I said go. I didn't cry or shout I just said I don't want you here anymore and I had warned him that I would call his bluff sooner or later. I was honestly set to be a single parent and had arranged my finances and arranged with work about what I was going to do, as being a single parent my hours would need to be changed and they were supportive. So I was ready. It came as a great shock to me that he infact didn't want to go and would kill himself if he had to leave. After hearing for so long he hated living with me and now he didn't want to live without me! I felt I HAD to let him stay in case he did kill himself, and on the condition he went to the doctor's to get help. Which he did, and took time off work and got tablets and told everyone he was suffering depression. He begged for forgiveness and I said I'm trying to be understanding but it will take me some time to get over his treatment towards me. So since then it's been ok...I must admit I have been suspicious if this is all an act to stay, but when people talk of killing themselves I feel responsible if I'm not understanding something bad might happen. Anyway, tonight after almost a month of me just biting my tongue and trying to be pleasant, I snapped at him over the hoovering. I wasn't horrible, but had been up all night and since 5am! And that set him off again like his old ways! I said to him to please understand I'm tired and snappy, it happens time to time and there's been no incidents for weeks! He said he's tired too and manages to keep his emotions in check! I argued that's not very understanding considering how I've had to be understanding that he was horrible to me because of his apparent depression. He said well he will not tolerate it and its over, he is leaving and he left again! I was shocked! I said what did I do that was so bad? He says he can't live with me and I said to him no, you just refuse to deal with any emotion except joy and that's unrealistic. So he said he was going to jump off a bridge. So again I had to back down and do the whole I'm sorry, look lets sort it out. He came back in the end and just acted like nothing happened. I don't know what to do, I feel like if it wasn't for the suicide threats I would be happy to leave! I feel like I know it is manipulation but he's on antidepressants so is it? If I act happy all the time he's the nicest guy in the world, but soon as I show any emotion he goes cold. I don't know what I'm supposed to do!

He is an emotionally abusive bastard. Read up about people with narcissistic personality disorder and the ways that they manipulate and control their victims. EA is actually a criminal offence and can have just as far reaching effects (and often more) than physical abuse. He is gaslighting you bullying you to a ridiculous extent and making you seem to be the unreasonable one. Have you ever seen Julia Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy! An extreme example but still happens to some people. You are not alone. Anyone (myself included) who has experienced a relationship with a monster like this knows exactly what you are going through. Read the thread on here for women who have to coparent with a narc ex (we are on thread 4, so there are quite a few of us) you will see that all of the narcs seem to be reading from the same script! Mine controlled me manipulated me didn't threaten to leave though, actually constantly told me that I could leave if I didn't like it, and did the whole 'I was thinking of committing suicide' to stop me being able to say what I wanted to. He also cheated throughout our marriage (I only found that out towards the end) and he lied and lied over and over again. I'm currently divorcing him and he is still trying to control things by refusing to produce financial information. They are truly evil people and I never thought that I would say that of him as I spent more than half my life believing that everything would be ok if I could just be better. I did everything and he did nothing but I was the one trying to be better. Your kids will be affected by his behaviour and my biggest regret is the awful example I have set my children. Please don't do the same!

Your children are young enough for you to protect them from their manipulative father at the moment but what about when they are older? You think he won't play his dramatic killing himself script on them? He'll be a lot more skilled in making them jump to his bidding and you'll be your children's role model for how they respond to him.

You were ready to let him leave, you had everything sorted - and he could see that. That is the only reason he started threatening suicide.

You called his bluff with the threats to leave.

You can call his bluff with these threats too. The next time he does it - call emergency services.

You say that your work were supportive when you were planning to let him leave. Can you access support again from your work now?

He's playing mind games with you, and he's not going to stop. You can stop the games by refusing to play, and by walking away. Make sure he has support - by dialling 999 and letting his mother know - then walk away.

Sorry you're going through this OP.
I totally agree with the other PPs who have said that he's using these threat so to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do.

The fact that he's made suicide threats knowing your family history is absolutely disgusting and shows an absolute lack of respect for you or any regard of your feelings.

This man doesn't respect you.

As you say your eyes trying to shelter your DC from this, believe me, they will see and hear far more than you think they do. They will sense that you're not happy and that will have a lasting effect on their lives, as much so as it would if your husband did commit suicide.

You say that you want to spare your children the pain of losing a parent to suicide but this isn't under your control. You can't be responsible for his actions. Also, do consider the pain of them growing up and seeing your relationship the way it is - his threats, his control of you, your misery.

The only way to make it stop is for you to leave. Protect your children and leave. They and their safety, physical and emotional, are your priority. His actions are his alone - and you've even said that you recognise that he's unlikely to follow through with the threats anyway, he's just using it to assert his control over you. It's abusive to you and to your DC. Call his bluff and mean it. Get out or get him out.

Mine did this, constantly, including promising to get help and playing the 'poor me' card. . It took years for me to realise that it was all control and if I 'behaved' all was sunshine and light. Please understand that you are NOT responsible for his actions. Controlling someone by threatening suicide is despicable, even more so in your case with the past trauma. What he's doing is abusive and utterly disgusting.

You've had very good advice OP. This man has finally found your weak point and is exploiting it to his advantage.

My ex was a bit thick and used to insult me in a way that didn't affect me but left me a bit perplexed, until in my innocence I told him what my Achilles heel was, and then that was where he tried to control me.

Just tell him to leave.
"You have made my life miserable for years with your repeated desertions and your repeated suicide threats. I have had enough of your cruel manipulative behaviours. It has been extremely damaging to our children and to me. The marriage is over. Please leave."

If he chooses to kill himself that's his choice. You cannot live your life on a knife edge. Your DCs and you deserve better.

Do the Freedom Programme

Find a course near you and go yesterday as soon as possible.

He is an abuser. He is abusing you. It is blatant abuse. The Freedom Programme deems all domestic abuse, whether physical or mental, 'domestic violence'. He is controlling and manipulating you to obey. He is training you, like a dog.

Sadly, he won't follow through with his threats to kill himself. He is just using it as the ultimate way to control you bcs, as a pp pointed out, the other ways didn't ultimately work - they did for a bit but you got wise.

Don't think for one minute your kids aren't affected by this. They really are.

Do the Freedom Programme. It's a brilliant course and will open your eyes in record time.

Don't tell him, of course. His next move, if the suicide threats don't work, is to threaten to kill you - or the kids. Or to actually do it. Strong, but this is what you're dealing with here

He's playing you !

He threatened to leave so you'd behave the way HE wanted & when you eventually had enough & called his bluff, he's changed tack

Cruel to threaten suicide with your dads history. Call his bluff & say your phoning your local mental health team to come out & assess him, that you want to get him the help he so obviously needs

Bet he changes his story !

Do you want to continue living like this & have your kids living like this ?

I agree that he has found your weak point and is using it to put you in your place. He never had any intention of leaving and now he has no intention of suicide. He is just using extreme measures to keep you in your place. If he does kill himself it will not be your fault.
A book called Emotional Blackmail.. Can't remember author would help you see what he is playing at but essentially you need him to go. I talked to someone in this situation and eventually she didn't even call emergency but said that's your choice but make sure it's not anywhere l or the children find you and went on with her business. Of course he is still alive now ten years later. It's all manipulation. Get counselling for yourself to come to terms with your dad's death which you were in no way responsible for. How dare he play that card when he knows your story. Everyone here understands what's happening to you. It's not you it's him.

but when people talk of killing themselves I feel responsible
So you feel responsible for anyone who kills themselves.
This would be HIS choice.
He is an adult and if he chooses to kill himself that is down to him.
Absolutely nothing at all to do with you.
As PP's have said, next time he threatens leaves, help him pack.
When he threatens suicide, call the police.
They don't pussy foot around time wasters and he'll soon learn his lesson.
What you are putting up with is not OK.
Your poor DC are not OK!
As another PP has said, do the Freedom Programme!
And do it fast!!

As a previous poster pointed out - your children are young at the moment. What about when they become hormonal non-compliant teenagers? When they start 'putting things on the wrong shelf?' How will he control them? Do you really want your children to believe that THEY may be responsible for their father' s mental health? That THEY must be happy, bubbly, never-put-a-foot-wrong people or he might kill himself? Because teenagers can't help themselves but argue...and it will all get very very bad at that point. Do you want your kids to have to sacrifice their rights to a normal adolescence the way you are sacrificing your life now?

Let him leave. Advise people that he might take three paracetamol (I can practically guarantee that will be his 'suicide attempt) you are not responsible for another adult's life.

OP you must have a reason for not calling for an ambulance when he expresses suicidal ideation. Can you explain why you don't?

You simply cannot carry on like this. Get him to leave. He won't kill himself. Generally those that do, do not warn others, they just go off and do it. In any case, you can't pander to his shit, for the next 50 years, just "in case".

The children will hear the arguments, even if they are in bed. Oh the hours I spent listening to my parents row, it's no fun.

I agree with the person above who said that of you called his bluff about the suicide threats he might take some pills (or say he had) and then call for help. But you need to realise that you are not responsible for his behaviour.

My ex was like this, probably still is. He's a horrendous attention seeker, as well as abusive. He used to dump me on Facebook every couple of days, to teach me a lesson. When I told him it was over, he said he was going to walk out in front of a car. I told him he was a selfish cunt who shouldn't burden an innocent driver with his suicide.

Of course, he's still alive. Sadly.

He won't kill himself. Even if he does it's his choice. You can't save him or help him. He needs to sort himself out once & for all or you need to protect your family from such emotionally abusive horseshit.

IF that did happen then my children would be devastated

They would be devastated IF it happened, though we think it is unlikely. Their mum is definitely being annihilated day by day. Destroyed, turned into someone she doesn't recognise. Now. Not maybe someday but actually right now. Protecting them from losing you is just as important as protecting them from maybe losing him if he really does follow through, which we think is unlikely.

OP, your children KNOW. They know something is very wrong, and they know that they need to keep Daddy happy or something bad will happen, just as you do.

People think children don't realise things, or that they can keep them from knowing. Well, they know. I 100% guarantee it.

By staying with this shithead, you are fucking them up too.

OP, I appreciate you're afraid to call his bluff because you don't want your children to experience the same as you did when your father commited suicide. But you are sentencing your children and yourrself to miserable lives because of it. What makes your husband's life worth more than the three of yours put together?

And for what? I've lost count of the number of times I've read threads like this where the husband eventually buggers off and finds a new victim, but not until he has ground the wife into the dust to the point she hardly knows which way is up. Appeasing him will not make him bearable or give you an easy ride - you know this already.

No matter how much you tell yourself otherwise, your children will be picking up on the atmosphere in the house, and will be subconciously learning from you that they need to tread on eggshells around their father. If you really care about your kids - and I have no doubt at all that you do - you need to get them out of this toxic situation. This is no way to bring them up.

Using suicide as a threat because of your father is so utterly contemptuous of your feelings, I'm beyond words I'm so angry on your behalf. He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you. Sorry, but that is the truth. What sort of person could even contemplate doing this to someone they loved?

Please do as PP have said and leave him!

He has very cynically picked up on a threat he can use that floods you full of emotion and stops you from being able to think straight.

While I totally agree with the other advice about calling the emergency services if he threatens suicide, here is a smaller step you can take if you're not ready to do that yet: get cynical in return. When you can see he's gearing himself up for a row (because he doesn't like being challenged, or wants to get his own way, or just wants to take out his bad mood on you so he'll feel better), start making private bets about what he'll do and say. Detach and watch.

Once you really see how much this is a device to control you, I think quite a lot of your guilt and fear might reduce, and you'll be able to think more clearly about whether you and your dcs should spend a lifetime of being held hostage to this man's threats (hint: no).

No chance he would go through with killing himself op, he's seen the threat work & think he's now has leverage.

You need to get rid of him, imagine if your children walked downstairs whilst he was having his "suicidal rant" cough, it would upset them so much.

When you do get the courage to do what's right, just call his mother and the police & remember we will all be here for you x

He's either EA or has significant MH problems. I would get some medical advice as to what to do if/next time he threatens suicide. I suspect the advice will be, as has previously been said, call the police.

As it stands he's on anti depressants and while I've not been at the stage of actively wanting to end it I did reached the point where I'd rather not wake up the following day. Its an awfully dark place to be and seeing what might be the rational way to behave necessarily the way you mind is working.

If he's serious with these threats he needs help, if he's manipulating then it serves him right if he's sectioned for a while. Personally I suspect that he's the latter but equally I wouldn't want to discount the possibility of the former on the basis or probability and while, if he did do something stupid, it would be his choice it would be still be hard to live with the what ifs.

Good luck with it.

Just leave him, he sounds like a dickhead.