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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Keeps threatening to leave/kill himself!

76 replies

user1485810545 · 30/01/2017 21:38

For over a year every time we argued my husband would pack his bags and threatened to leave. It got to the point if I even got grumpy because I was tried he would threaten to leave! In the last three months I made sure I didn't upset him and it got to the point he was shouting at me because I put a deodorant on 'his' shelf by mistake! My husband has never been one to express emotion and has never been keen on dealing with them. I suggested perhaps he's depressed as he would explode at the slightest thing, I would react and get upset and then he was packing his bags leaving again. It became so stressful I began to get panic attacks constantly begging don't leave and always wondering if he would be gone next week. I often felt confused as to what I had actually done most times! We have two young children 5 and 2, so I just tried my best to keep us all together. Last month he did it once again and I said fine, I said go. I didn't cry or shout I just said I don't want you here anymore and I had warned him that I would call his bluff sooner or later. I was honestly set to be a single parent and had arranged my finances and arranged with work about what I was going to do, as being a single parent my hours would need to be changed and they were supportive. So I was ready. It came as a great shock to me that he infact didn't want to go and would kill himself if he had to leave. After hearing for so long he hated living with me and now he didn't want to live without me! I felt I HAD to let him stay in case he did kill himself, and on the condition he went to the doctor's to get help. Which he did, and took time off work and got tablets and told everyone he was suffering depression. He begged for forgiveness and I said I'm trying to be understanding but it will take me some time to get over his treatment towards me. So since then it's been ok...I must admit I have been suspicious if this is all an act to stay, but when people talk of killing themselves I feel responsible if I'm not understanding something bad might happen. Anyway, tonight after almost a month of me just biting my tongue and trying to be pleasant, I snapped at him over the hoovering. I wasn't horrible, but had been up all night and since 5am! And that set him off again like his old ways! I said to him to please understand I'm tired and snappy, it happens time to time and there's been no incidents for weeks! He said he's tired too and manages to keep his emotions in check! I argued that's not very understanding considering how I've had to be understanding that he was horrible to me because of his apparent depression. He said well he will not tolerate it and its over, he is leaving and he left again! I was shocked! I said what did I do that was so bad? He says he can't live with me and I said to him no, you just refuse to deal with any emotion except joy and that's unrealistic. So he said he was going to jump off a bridge. So again I had to back down and do the whole I'm sorry, look lets sort it out. He came back in the end and just acted like nothing happened. I don't know what to do, I feel like if it wasn't for the suicide threats I would be happy to leave! I feel like I know it is manipulation but he's on antidepressants so is it? If I act happy all the time he's the nicest guy in the world, but soon as I show any emotion he goes cold. I don't know what I'm supposed to do!

OP posts:
user1485810545 · 30/01/2017 22:31

Yeah, he's forever telling me he'll give ME one last chance!

OP posts:
phoe6e · 30/01/2017 22:32

But they'll be listening in bed Confused And its not going to stop, they'll grow up and hear it all

picklemepopcorn · 30/01/2017 22:33

his expectations are unrealistic nobody can be happy ALL the time.

This isn't really his expectation. He just uses it as an excuse to have everything his own way. You are not allowed to disagree with him. He doesn't care if you are happy or not.

Flowersabout your DF. That is terrible. But this doesn't sound like depression at all. It sounds coercive, manipulative, calculated...

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 30/01/2017 22:35

What a piece of shit this man is, exploiting your father's death so that he can control you. No one this self-serving ever goes through with killing themself. Call his bluff.

ninjapants · 30/01/2017 22:35

Other posters are right about calling the emergency services if he threatens to kill himself.
My DH took an apparent overdose one night, I didn't believe him initially (because he said it a lot like your DH does) but he insisted he had so I took him to A&E. The tests didn't show anything damaging in his system so I'm not sure what, if anything, he actually took. I was so shocked that he could go that far, and interestingly, absolutely furious with him. A couple of weeks later he walked out after an argument threatening to kill himself again. An hour went by, I was so worried that I called the Police. They arrived just after he walked in the door, he ended up going to A&E with them for a psychiatric assessment.
That was some time ago. He still has mental health issues but no longer threatens suicide, I think Police involvement shocked him out of it.

Your DH is a truly awful person for threatening this especially in view of what you went through with your father. Don't be controlled in this way, call his bluff and involve the Police, NHS24 (or whatever it's called where you are) if he does it again.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 30/01/2017 22:37

I missed that you have children. Do you want them to grow up listening to this? Treading on eggshells, eventually, around their father? Growing up to think this a normal relationship, and one day finding themselves in the same situation you're currently in?

gamerchick · 30/01/2017 22:38

I think you should protect your children from this fucked up shit

Absolufuckinglutly!

Forgive me, I'm pretty hardened to suicide attempts so this may sting somebody reading I've seen and dealt with a wide range... the most he'll do is take some pills, I can guarantee it. Then he'll plead for help. All of which will bring you back into line.

Tell him to get out and stay the fuck out.

You have children you don't get a choice anymore, he is responsible for his own actions. You don't have to own them.

user1485810545 · 30/01/2017 22:38

That's true, I hope the children never hear any of it. That would make me feel awful if they knew, I would never tell them! Even if we did part ways I wouldn't tell them and spoil this idea they have of their dad. Yes that's also true about his expectations being selfish, its as though I already know what everyone here is saying here is true but I'm not brave enough to take a risk.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/01/2017 22:44

You will be though, it'll be coming or you wouldn't have posted this thread.

There comes a point where we just can't take anymore. We all have that point.

Yours will come.

CommonFramework · 30/01/2017 22:50

What a manipulative bastard. He knows your dad committed suicide yet he acts like this? Despicable. And your poor children. He sound really ducking hard work. Agree with other posters to call his bluff - he threatens to move out? Let him.

Mils45 · 30/01/2017 22:58

I agree with others, call his bluff and ring an ambulance. If he isn't serious it should shock him back to reality.

Perhaps you could go to counselling together and with a mediator discuss it all through? Again a third person may embarrass him if he isn't serious.

Your kids in bed will be listening, I used to hear so much fighting it was horrible.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2017 23:06

Give over...he is a shit father and your kids are getting fucked up with every day that goes by listening to this stuff. Stop deluding yourself.

You think they don't hear and see what is happening ? Are they deaf and blind ?

AnyFucker · 30/01/2017 23:07

For Christ's sake, do not attend joint counselling with him

He is abusing you and you are tolerating your children being put in harm's way

He will manipulate a counsellor like he has manipulated you. Bad, bad idea.

ExplodedCloud · 30/01/2017 23:11

You can never successfully please him or be ' good enough' because he will always find fault. You can't ever get it right. Not because of your failings but because of his. No matter how hard you try, no matter how perfect a wife you are, he will always find a flaw because he wants to.

user1485810545 · 30/01/2017 23:16

In the early days of him threatening to leave, I confided in a mutual friend and they didn't believe me, and it did cause a rift because I became the dramatic wife with the clearly charming husband, and what I said didn't match up with the person he is outside of home. So it was me who had an issue. When I approached his mother I was surprised she took my side to a degree and told him to sort himself out because I didn't expect that, but she's very nice. Although being his mother theres only so much she can really involve herself with I understand. So eventually I stopped telling people and just sucked it up and I pretend we have this wonderful life which we don't. Even when I have said in the past it's not fair people think you're such a nice guy and you're really not are you. And he just says he can't help what people think. I feel like after today he came home and went to bed like nothing happened, and tomorrow I will just have to act as though this never happened. And if I bring it up it'll just happen again. When we first met he was this charming kind guy then it seemed after we got married he changed. We got married after two years so I thought I knew him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2017 23:22

So stop acting like nothing happened.

user1485810545 · 30/01/2017 23:25

AnyFucker you sound exactly like what my mother says! And I can understand as her husband, my father was the same! But I'm just not that tough really.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2017 23:30

Anybody is "that tough" if they have reached their limit

You obviously haven't reached yours although you fool yourself your kids are not witnessing such damaging lessons

It seems you will continue to prioritise your relationship with this destructive man for a while longer. What will it take for you to draw a line under it because he will not stop the controlling fuckwit behaviour while he still gets limitless patience and sacrifice from you

ExplodedCloud · 30/01/2017 23:34

Can I point out that AF is very straight talking and may seem harsh. But she's usually spot on.
Grin

Crispbutty · 30/01/2017 23:34

My ex was very similar. His own father committed suicide but that didn't stop my ex wearing me down the same way as your husband is doing to you Op. We have been divorced 3 years now.. He's still very much alive and probably as negative and selfish as ever.

PickAChew · 30/01/2017 23:37

His choice if he kills himself. You can't carry on with this shite and would be perfectly reasonable to refuse to do it anymore and leave, yourself.

Much healthier for the kids, too, as they will most definitely not be not noticing his mood swings and the atmosphere they create.

PickAChew · 30/01/2017 23:40

My ex used to hang over the upstairs bannister and threaten to jump off the landing.

I told him he'd better not break the fucking staircase. Twat.

user1485810545 · 30/01/2017 23:42

Honestly I was ready to leave until the suicide threats came and since then I just feel like IF that did happen then my children would be devastated. And I would feel responsible for their misery. My own mother obviously feels different because it wasn't her parent and I don't blame her, but knowing how much upset it caused me personally I wouldn't want my children to experience that, so I feel caught in a conundrum. Like I said I just feel if he ran off with another woman it would be so much easier. I appreciate your straight talk and know it's unlikely he would carry out the threats, but I just don't know what to do next. I suppose I just want some advice to justify not leaving but all the advice given seems the most obvious.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2017 23:45

If one person used the same emotional blackmail he is utilising and urged you to continue to carry on tolerating this cap it would make it all OK ?

Not going to happen. You have a choice.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2017 23:45

*crap

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