I don't fancy him any more

[spudulike]

my husband and I were childhood sweethearts and have been together for 14 yrs, we always had a good sex life up till now, at least 5 times a week but recently I have totally gone off him and I find having sex very boring. Is that normal? what can I do to fancy him again and stop us argueing with each other about not having sex any more? we have 2 children ages 4 and 6.
Thanks

Spudulike can you pinpoint when the problem started ? When you stopped fancying him and why ?

Have you tried talking about what turns you on and trying to make your foreplay more interesting ? Does he feel the same. He must feel very hurt. Have you told him how you feel ?

Its hard to muster up energy for sex when you're a mum but it's worth making the effort. Unless of course the problem is more fundamental.

Spudulike, my sympathy. You could try this site which is all about hot monogamy. Haven't read it but you never know, might be useful.

Could you try spicing up your lovelife, say by dressing up or going to unusual places. Maybe this will work for you if you are just stuck in a rut.

Cool site, W.W.W.!
Where do you find these things. Whenever I look for stuff like this, I always end up with Hot Teenage Lust or Sex, Sex, Sex, No credit card required!!

thank you for your help and advice. Tillysmummy I think that it may have started when I went on holidays with my sister and left him at home with the kids, I had such a great time without him (although I missed them all loads) because lots of men paid me attention when we went out in the evenings (although I would never have gone with any of them or been unfaithful). I think that yes, we are stuck in a rut after all these years. Paula, I am interested in what you suggest, could you give me any more details. what do you mean by unusual places? we are not very experienced when it comes to sex, we have only slept with each other and noone else.
Wickedwaterwitch thank you for pointing out the website, I will definitely have a good read of it when I have some time

Oxocube, I did a Google search on "how to make love to the same person for the rest of your life"! Spudulike, sounds like a rut or 14 year itch or something rather than the fundamental state of your relationship, so I'm sure there's hope

Spudulike - First of all, is there any significance to your choice of nickname? Are you feeling a bit potato-ish and unattractive at the moment? How does your husband feel about things? Don't want to sound boastful, but my husband and I have a very active sex life and I think one of the reasons why we are so good together is because we tell each other everything (likes, dislikes, fantasies etc) We try to keep things varied to stop sex becoming boring. Don't want to start leading you astray, but some unusual places we have tried are:- a phone box, a pick-your-own fruit farm, portaloo, Brighton beach and a cable car (noone else in it) not very adventurous, I know, but they're a start. If you don't feel brave enough to go outside your home, what about trying a different room, kitchen or bathroom, or even the garage or a garden shed. Good luck to you both.

Spudulike, are you in London? We have also done it in the London Eye which was really exciting and exilerating. Perhaps you could try something like that?

PaulaL - the London Eye? Well done! What time of day was it? What about the people in the adjacent pods? Just curious..., sex life a bit boring these days..!

thanks for your advice, I did have a talk with my husband and he kept talking about golden showers and pearl necklaces to spice up our sex life and perhaps get me a bit more interested, what does this mean? I dont want to ask him becuase I am to embarraseed.

PaulaL, I'm amazed, those pods are so public, how did you get away with it? Mind you, I once had sex on a tube train in rush hour Paris so I can hardly talk

If you're too embarrassed to ask you'll be too embarassed to do.

Agree with Tinker. Is this a wind up though? If not, apologies and you can look up the definitions at this UK slang dictionary They are both there, I checked!

omigod I am so embarassed about that I thought he meant something romantic but that is just awful I am so shocked. sorry

Oh god, spudulike, just had to reply to you, DON'T be sorry, I'm unshockable. Sorry if you thought your husband was being romantic and this has disillusioned you. There must be a middle ground surely: something that's romantic for you and a turn on for him (but not quite the things he suggested). Good luck.

Hotel. Definitely. Difficult to organise, I know (I found I always had willing volunteers to look after my first baby and even two, but now we have three, the offers are understandably a bit thin on the ground!) I always feel so much sexier when I am away from home, kids and all that entails. Good luck

Spudulike, I really understand what you are going through as my husband made similar strange requests recently (see what shall I do about husbands demands?) I received some really helpful and supportive messages from people, but in the end the only thing that worked for us was talking things through and finding a compromise that suited both of us, perhaps you could do the same.

Hello, new here. This topic is fabulous, I have also been turned off (since pregnancy actually) with not much interest. Almost two years now. Husband is very randy and requests only the usual stuff but more frequently. I am too knackered, the golden showers bit, most men laugh at that one too (I think!!), but pearl necklaces, just close your eyes. It may please your husband but how would it increase my interest. I am also feeling far less attractive and able.

I have just re-read my message and it is rubbish and incoherent. Very sorry

Hope someone made sense of it.

Spudulike, don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with to please him because you'll only end up resenting him.

I think you need to identify what is missing. Is it because you want him to romance you or do you have some more carnal desires ? If it's the latter then all the champagne, hotels and romantic dinners in the world won't help. Is it excitment you're looking for (sounds like it to me) - what do you think needs to happen for you to fancy him again ? It doesn't sound like it's anything he's done just that you've enjoyed a great holiday and (presume without kids) felt your freedom again. This is bound to stir feelings in you because it's so different to normal life and being a parent and wife. Don't forget though, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I think you need to work on WHY you don't fancy him anymore - is it because you think he's boring? Physically unattractive ? Unexciting ? Not romantic enough ? Not attentive enough ?

When you've got the answers to some of these questions you may be able to find a way forward.

Sorry if I sound like 'Dear Marge'

thanks for the support and suggestions. Oxocube, a hotel sounds good, getting away from home for a night might make us feel better, it always drags me down being at home, looking at the chaos in our house, not likely to make me feel sexy. Paula, if its not to personal, could you say what compromise you came to, I read your story and it sounds quite similar to mine, although you sound like you still fancy your husbamd which is part of my problem. www, this compromise that Paula has found might be like the middle ground you suggested (Ihope).
clucks, I totally understand what you are getting at, my husband would be at it all the time if I let him, I just cant face it.
Tillysmummy it is hard to me to think exactly why I dont fancy him anymore, after all these years and 2 kids you expect the passion to die down a bit, it hasn't for him. Im not going to do the things he has suggested, it wouldnt make me feel comfortable to do them. maybe we have taken each other for granted because we have not had to make an effort for so long, we have always just assumed we will be together forever. I need to really try and think it through in my mind first and then I will talk to him and I hope he understands that I wont do these things that he is asking for. Thanks.

spudulike - from what your dh was suggesting, it sounds like he's after a bit of "dirty" sex at the moment - but this could be because he's feeling very horny! It sounds like he's been inspired by a dirty mag or two! Perhaps if you persuade him that a bit of romantic cuddly intimate sex is what you're after for now it will take some of the urgency off the whole situation, and will also take the pressure off you. Maybe later on you can try some variations out (yuk to the golden shower but the other's not so bad!) If he knows you're willing to resume sex on your terms he may compromise some of his fantasies for now...

Spudulike, our compromise was to have sex in strange (sometimes public, but not so that anyone can see, I hope) places. Naughty I know, but I think that's why it's so much fun it's a real thrill, rather like snogging your first boyfriend on your parents settee and wondering if they'd catch you. We did try the horsey sex thing but it was just so silly and weird that even he ended up laughing in the end. I agree with some of the others, perhaps your husband is just after dirty sex. Could you not just get yourself down to Ann Summers for some kinky underwear and give it a go, you never know you might enjoy it!

Well the London Eye is absolutely covered with security cameras Paulal so your antics may well be on film somewhere and certainly will have been watched by the security people.

If Rara is right and he has been reading dirty mags why don't you read them together ! That should do the trick :0