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Relationships

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Original poster

DH does his hobby constantly yet has the cheek to be moody with me beccause we're living separate lives??

55 replies

RubyDoobey · 30/01/2017 17:23

He does is hobby every Saturday from 8am until at least 7pm. Often the hobby is done on a Sunday too for similar hours. Plus random evenings in the week.

He's had the audacity yesterday to be in a bad mood because 'we're living separate lives'. He is moody because he likes to go to bed at 9 or 10pm every night, even weekends, as his hobby is tiring. I prefer to go to bed a bit later, usually between 11 and 12.

He won't take any responsibility for the fact that he's out all the time, leaving me to deal with the DCs (aged 7 and 12) alone. When he does have any time not at work and not out doing his hobby he never wants to do anything nice with us all anyway, and is moody and tired and grumpy.

I'm fuming with him!

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/01/2017 18:39

Thing with men, even otherwise nice men, is that they will often take and take until you dig your heels in. I have drawn a line in the sand with DH's all consuming hobby, and he will hold his hands up and admit he is taking the piss and be very apologetic and good. But after a few months he starts creeping over the line again and we have to have the same conversation again. It's all a bit tedious.

My Dad was a selfish hobby guy and I swore I would never marry one. And now DH is turning into my Dad in his middle age. It is most annoying.

ohfourfoxache · 30/01/2017 18:41

The hobby doesn't matter. What matters is that he is a selfish cunt who wants to live the single life with "all the benefits" of being in a relationship

Stormwhale · 30/01/2017 18:42

He sounds like a selfish arse hole who is doing nothing but sucking the life out of you. Fuck that op.

scurryfunge · 30/01/2017 18:44

Hobbies are great, they are fun and a stress reliever. However, when they take up family life, any free time and disallow a partner from pursuing their own diversion, stress relief or fun time then that is not right and selfish. The relationship is not equal and I worry about your future.

AddToBasket · 30/01/2017 18:44

Don't disengage. You need to talk to each other, but it sounds as though you will need a bit of counselling. He's really not going to see it your way if he thinks that this level of commitment to his hobby is fine. You need some help agreeing what will work for you all.

expatinscotland · 30/01/2017 18:47

She's already tried to talk to her. She needs counselling to determine why her self-esteem is so low she thinks this farce of a relationship is good enough for her. It's not, and it's not her job to sort him out.

Original poster

RubyDoobey · 30/01/2017 18:47

He won't talk about things though AddToBasket, and I highly doubt he'd attend counselling? Do you have any suggestions about how I can get him to talk without him just batting it all back at me and it being my fault?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/01/2017 18:48

talk to him, that is.

BitOfFun · 30/01/2017 18:51

I'd be getting my ducks in a row to separate. You don't want to leave it too long- before you know it, it will be GCSEs and starting secondary school, and you won't feel you can put the kids through it.

HelenDenver · 30/01/2017 18:53

"Utter pollock"

Pillock! Not a blameless white fish...

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 30/01/2017 18:54

ask him how will he like 50% of his weekends and evenings being "disney dad" when he has to have the children once the separation is finalised.

AyeAmarok · 30/01/2017 19:04

Another in the LTB camp on this one.

AddToBasket · 30/01/2017 19:07

I don't think you should LTB - yet at any rate.

It sounds as though you need good communication techniques and support to have the discussions that you need to have to get through this. Hobbies often seem to reflect neurosis (so many MAMILs...) a dot might be more complicated than just pure selfishness. Equally, he needs to acknowledge the damage he is doing to his family.

I would book a couple of counselling sessions and explain that it is cheaper than divorce. Tell him he will need to discuss any objections there.

Original poster

RubyDoobey · 30/01/2017 19:12

He wouldn't go to counselling.

I have suggested it in the past.

OP posts:

mysteriouscurle · 30/01/2017 19:14

You sound almost like a single parent anyway with the added bonus of an extra person to be responsible for. What would you do with your free weekends if he had them EOW? Not that I'm entirely convinced he'd bother seeing them at all

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 30/01/2017 19:15

I think the point PP's are trying to make is that 'doing his hobby' is unnecessarily vague.. It's hardly going to 'out you' (forgive me) to reveal that's it's golf/cycling/skiing/geocaching/caving/insert obsession here. It might just give a little more background information to, you know, make suggestions that might help or something...

redexpat · 30/01/2017 19:18

Are you ready to separate? If so tell him to choose between seeing a counselor or a solicitor.

redexpat · 30/01/2017 19:20

But dont give him that ultimatum unless you are prepared to go through with it. If I were you I would hope for the best but prepare for the worse. Get your hands on all the financial info. See if you can get a half hour free with a solicitor. Go to the CAB. Do you rent or own?

AddToBasket · 30/01/2017 19:21

Do you want to go for counselling? You need to be onboard before you can get him to go. And if he won't go you can have relationship counselling on your own.

By the sounds of it, he is just not listening. He hears nagging and turns off and has no respect for what you are saying. It's awful but if he could hear then you may be able to swap points of view. But that is not going to change by itself and no-one on MN is going to be able to give you a quick fix.

You do need to want things to change too of course and be ready to invest money and time.

NameChange30 · 30/01/2017 19:27

"Do you have any suggestions about how I can get him to talk without him just batting it all back at me and it being my fault?"

Yep. LTB. LTB, LTB, LTB. He brings nothing to this relationship.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 30/01/2017 19:30

If he's not prepared to do any thinking or leg work to fix the problem he has identified then it's not going to do you any good running around trying to bridge build with him or coax him to do anything differently. It sounds right to me that he's not bothered about the separate lives at all, he's fine with that. It's just that he's not getting sex on his terms when he wants it. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

I'm guessing that if you thought the hobby was relevant or ok to name you would have named it so there's no need to be nosy for the sake of it.

MrsExpo · 30/01/2017 19:36

Just what. Is it that so totally absorbs so much of his time? Maybe OP, you could take it up too .......

Trilling · 30/01/2017 19:38

For example if I say he's doing too many hours at his hobby and that it's not fair on me he'll bring back an example of when I left my socks on the bedroom floor 5 years ago

If this is the usual way discussions go, you'll have your work cut out for you trying to discuss things to move forward. As you say, it does sound a very depressing and frustrating way to live. I'd be making plans.

Thinkingofausername1 · 30/01/2017 20:14

Tell him it the hobby or you. But you aren't playing second best anymore

ClopySow · 30/01/2017 20:21

"Utter pollock"

Yes, he sounds very shellfish.

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