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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My estranged husband took our baby,HELP!

29 replies

user1485710436 · 29/01/2017 17:31

Hello, very new here but I believe you will help.
After discovering my husbands affair I confronted him and he denied it. I was tired of being alone and him being away a lot and had an affair too. He found out.
I am in the U.K. on a spouse visa, we have a three year old who I have looked after on my own since she was born. He has supported financially. We had a long distance relationship after he left my home country when our daughter was 6 months old and joined him in the U.K. Last year.
He's angry that I had an affair, he's affair is now forgotten coz 'women are different ' it's okay for men. I am financially dependent on him though I have the right to work and have a job starting February. He threatens to have me deported, he threatens to stop paying my rent.
This is why when he showed up after a three week absence yesterday I allowed him to take my child. I'm also afraid that the court will rule in his favor coz he has money and I don't.
He said he would bring her back before her birthday on the 11th of February. Once he drove off he said he intends to put her in school and she will now live with him. He refused to tell me where in London he has taken her, I'm in the south.
How do I get her back? What can I do ?

OP posts:
pog100 · 29/01/2017 18:01

I'm have no knowledge but I'm sure people with experience will be along soon. It sounds like your estrangement was informal but nevertheless I would think this amounts to abduction from the primary carer and I would definitely call the police on 101 to ask their advice. I think so his threats are hollow.

Gingerbreadlass · 29/01/2017 18:07

Oh you poor thing, you must be frantic with worry. Please do ring the 101 police number and ask for this to be investigated urgently. An affair doesn't make you a bad mother and money won't buy him anything in court. Call the police and ring around his family to see who is hiding them. Can you go to London and try and find him?

c3pu · 29/01/2017 21:16

Police probably won't be particularly interested if he has PR, your best bet will probably be to seek an urgent application for a child arrangements order.

MrsBertBibby · 29/01/2017 23:31

Is there any chance he could take her out of the UK? Does he have connections abroad? Has he ever threatened it? Does she have a passport, and where is it?

Original poster
user1485710436 · 29/01/2017 23:34

Hi I have her passport birth certificate and everything. He has a lot of abroad connections

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 29/01/2017 23:38

Hide those documents or give them to someone you trust.

Tell the police and social services what has happened.

What address do you have?

You poor thing, you must be frantic.

ems137 · 29/01/2017 23:40

Call 101.

First thing in the morning contact a solicitor too....URGENTLY!

Good luck xx

MrsBertBibby · 29/01/2017 23:42

There's not much the police can do. Call solicitors first thing. I'll try to get on here tomorrow to outline what you need to do.

PickAChew · 29/01/2017 23:43

Do tell the police this has happened.

JustFuckingReally · 29/01/2017 23:45

The police and SS will not be interested.

You need to see a family solicitor first thing.

Good luck.

Zombiepigman · 29/01/2017 23:49

Call the police without any delay. Also, see a solicitor tomorrow to see if you are entitled to legal aid.
Phone the police now on 101.

Zombiepigman · 29/01/2017 23:51

The police will get involved. Your child has been abducted by her father.

JustFuckingReally · 29/01/2017 23:56

If the father has PR then no, they really won't Hmm

Benedikte2 · 30/01/2017 00:06

See a solicitor tomorrow morning and get him to apply for a custody order for you. If you fear she may be taken out of the country she can be made a ward of court. The police will respect a custody order but are unlikely to assist where there isn't a court order of some kind. Act quickly.
If you have any concerns re your ex ability to care for your child contact social services.

SlankyBodger · 30/01/2017 00:16

Get a solicitor pronto. Ring the passport office and give them the number of her passport so he can't claim it's lost and organise a new one. At least he won't be able to take her abroad, if you do that.

Hope you get this sorted quickly.

Bunnyfuller · 30/01/2017 00:18

No law has been broken - the child's father has taken her. You need a solicitor op, and fast. Formalise your separation, check you right to remain status and draw up formal custody arrangements.

The police cannot act in the current situation.

ohtheholidays · 30/01/2017 00:32

Please do call the Police OP and call them now!

My husband is a Police Officer and he said you need to inform them about what's happened!

Also speak to womens aid as well,they're a charity that help women that have had serious problems with a relationship like you have
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Ignore him saying he'll have you deported as well,you have your visa and a right to work and you have a job set up he's Gaslighting you!
These are some signs of Gaslighting.
How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs:

  1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
  2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
  3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
  4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
  5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
  6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
  7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
  8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
  9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
10. You have trouble making simple decisions. 11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed. 12. You feel hopeless and joyless. 13. You feel as though you can't do anything right. 14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter. 15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.

Please do ring the Police they will be interested,especially as he's now threatened to not return your Daughter and he's refusing to tell you where she is.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2017 00:33

Absent a court order stating otherwise, each parent has equal rights to a child. In other words "possession is 9/10th of the law". I'm assuming your child was born in your home country? Is he on the birth certificate or any type of legal declaration as her father? If not and you are not married, you may have some leeway in this.

You need to see a solicitor as soon as possible to file for an emergency order granting you primary residency. There is a specific name for it but for the life of me I can't think of what it is! The solicitor will know.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2017 00:34

Ah, I see that you are married. In that case he certainly has equal rights to the child. You'll need to go through the courts.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/01/2017 00:35

Op has already stated it's her husband AcrossThepond

Bunnyfuller · 30/01/2017 00:40

The police will check the child is safe and well, but it is the childs' welfare they can act on, and not your custody dispute.

Also married to a police officer! (Why does saying you are something qualify you?! Anyone can say anything!)

Get on Google, op, you will see that there's little the police can do when one parent has taken their own child. By all means call 101, they'll hopefully do a welfare check and reassure you your child is ok.

CheerfullyIndifferent · 30/01/2017 00:54

He can't get you deported but he can get your visa cancelled and you will then have to apply for a new visa through a different route - possibly parent of a British child. I would include questions about the visa situation in the talks with the solicitors.

bloodyteenagers · 30/01/2017 01:16

You need legal advice to get the child back. Police are powerless.
Also take to solicitor about visa and deportation.
However these cost money which at the moment you don't have. SOME law centres will take on free cases, google to see if you have one locally.
SOME children's centres also have a legal session contact them to find out.
Also contact woman's aid 0808 2000 247 which is open 24/7.
Depending on your area you may have advice places in your area that deal specifically with your country, religion or culture - google will tell you. These services
Also have legal and benefit advice.
Depending how long you have been here and the terms of your visa, you may be able to get some financial support. I know you said you are starting work soon but this would help bridge the gap to your first pay day.

Original poster
user1485710436 · 30/01/2017 07:20

Thankyou all! I called the police and yes they can't do anything coz he's the father, and is on the birth certificate.
I called women's aid, they too said try getting her back and then never let him take herHmm
So I'm seeing a solicitor this morning.

OP posts:
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