Im Probably Being Unreasonable

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

My dp has been acting a little strange, nothing too much to worry about and I'm pretty sure I now know why, I'm fully expecting to be told IBU but I can't help the way I feel.
So this weekend he made a lighthearted joke about going to Amsterdam next weekend. I kept my response casual and then moved on to another subject.
The thing is I'm not happy about it and while I don't believe it's right to tell adults what they can or can't do, I'm not sure I would want to be with him if he went.....hear me out please.
I know he isn't going next weekend I think this is something he and his mate have discussed and he's sounding me out, almost forewarning me lol.
His friend is recently single and if I'm honest a bit of an idiot (but hey that's not my concern he isn't my friend).
This particular friend sends my dp all manner of strange, and quite often derogatory (towards women) almost pornagraphic videos. Stupid 'boy' videos he's found online.
It's not that I think he's a bad influence on my dp per se, I mean my dp is an adult and perfectly capable of choosing to act in an appropriate way, I just think this friend is one of those blokes who wouldnt encourage my dp to do that. You know the type that tells their friends in a relationship oh you're under the thumb or I wouldn't put up with that I'd tell her to do one.
Anyway I have absolutely no problem if my dp wants a boys weekend away, money isn't a problem, he works hard and all in all is a good man whom I trust. What I do feel uncomfortable with is the choice of location, the sex capital of the world lol.
I know he won't sleep with a prostitute, that's not the problem. I would just feel uncomfortable with him doing other things that happen in Amsterdam. The sex shows, the walking through the red light district and seeing women naked in Windows offering their goods. I'm not a prude, my dp has a high sex drive and we share a very open and good sex life but that's just it...we share.
I wouldn't want my dp watching real life women do things with the intention of sexual stimulation. I don't want him being part of an audience of something that arouses him. That's for me to do, that part of our relationship is personal to us.
I know what men are like, if he went away and saw women in bikinis they would look, have a bit of banter and yes he'd like looking but those women wouldn't be doing intimate things with the sole purpose of sexually stimulating their audience, they would just be good looking girls in bikinis.
Like I said I know 100% he wouldn't cheat, but tbh in this situation I know I would feel that the actual act of sex hadn't occurred I would still feel like he had betrayed that part of our relationship.
Some of you may think this is my problem and it's not fair to try and stop him, which I would never dream of doing but I am concerned as to how my feelings about this would effect our relationship.
I have no problem with porn in general, like I said Im pretty open minded with most stuff, but the things that happen in Amsterdam seem different, it's not like having a quick wank to five minutes of porn is it, it's real life, it's an actual woman in front of you doing extremely explicit sexual acts and I just don't agree with that. Opinions please.

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

Bluntness I trust him not to have sex or sexual contact with someone while in a relationship with me, I'm assuming (pretty sure) that apart from that yes he will experience other things Amsterdam will offer,I know his friend will so I'm assuming he won't just sit in a coffee shop getting stoned on his own all weekend.

[Bluntness100]

Then fair enough, I think maybe your op was a bit misleading, possibly as you weren't sure what it was like there.

So to summarise your boyfriend wishes to go on a lads weekend to Amsterdam and you feel he will pay to go to things like sex shows when he's there. As such you don't want him to go. A lot of women would feel the same.

[LauraMarling]

I think you've came up with a really good excuse to trick yourself into not admitting that in fact you are terrified he will cheat on you.

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

Sorry I guess I wasn't clear, I was trying to seem less irrational in my op. Yeah I'm pretty sure that's why Amsterdam is the location of choice. Lots of people say that's not cheating, and I would agree. Watching something, looking at women in their underwear isn't cheating but i know I wouldn't like the thought of it, this post has helped me realise that so I guess now whether IABU or not, I've established it's a line for me and if he feels the need to cross it I have some decisions to make.

[PaterPower]

Perhaps he's actually hoping you kick off so he can go back to his mate and say he can't risk going.

Which, if the case, is not fair on you and not very adult of him, but I know that happens.

I think you already know that you need to talk this through with him and see what his motivations really are. The problem is that a lot of (most) European cities have seedy areas. Perhaps not as prominent as Amsterdam, but not that difficult to find if you're determined that that's what you want on a night out so how restrictive are you going to be?

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

Lauramarling I don't think he will cheat on me but if he did it would be his loss and I certainly wouldn't be terrified of it happening, I'm self sufficient and have a full and happy life with or without him. I guess what I actually feel is that this would be disrespectful towards us. He could cheat anywhere, but I don't have a problem with the holiday away I just have a problem with the location

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

Thanks paterpower, you're right I do need to talk to him and explain how I feel. I don't believe in restricting him from doing anything he's an adult not my child. All I can do is explain my boundaries and leave it to him.

[Bluntness100]

To be fair to him though, he's not actually booked a weekend to Amsterdam, he's just made a joke about it?

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

Bluntness lol I know I'm prone to over thinking, one of my downfalls I'm afraid. But tbh I know him and the last few days he's been quite thoughtful. He's said a couple of things that have made me think he wants to broach a subject I may not be a 100% happy with, the joke last night was kind of really out of context to what we were discussing at the time. We've been through a tough few weeks (external factors, family issues, illness etc) so thinking about it now Im wondering if e has booked something and is now worried about telling me because of a possible fall out, which there won't be, I'll just explain how it makes me feel and see if we can find a compromise. I've decided to talk to hin about it latter today..

[BumDNC]

Better to think it all through rather than react instantly

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

Absolutely bumdnc that's why I reacted casually and have posted on here. It's always good to gain others opinions a d think about it first. Thanks for your advice.
Hopefully he won't think in Beijinga really unreasonable killjoy but at the end if the day it's how I feel and that's that.

[sundaymorningatwork]

I've no idea what he's intending to do, but I went on a 'lads' weekend there and we had a great time - drinking, smoking, chatting, seeing some great live music, and that was it... There's no obligation to go to a sex show there. It's actually a really nice city!

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

Sunday morning all of those are possibilities and obviously things I would be happy to think he's enjoying on a lads break. Like I said no issues with a lads break, I actually think he deserves one. I could just be thinking the worst (which I realise may be bang out of order) but knowing what I know about his friend I'm sure why he wants to go to Amsterdam and I don't see why my dp would go along if he was going to spend the weekend doing different things on his own as he didn't want to do what his friend was doing. I'll talk to him, find out what his thinking, whether it is something he's planning and what his expectations of the weekends events will be. I'll explain how I feel about certain things and what I feel my boundaries are and we'll take it from there.

[Oddsockspissmeoff]

Op I don't think you're being very honest with yourself at all. On one hand you state you trust him but also acknowledge that he's not going to be sat on his own all weekend while his friend does whatever it is he's doing.

Why would you trust him? I wouldn't. You know that the friend is a sleaze and you know what he's going to be getting up to. You know they're not going there to look at the architecture or other tourists attractions. I would actually end my marriage if my dh went there with a sleazy friend who intended to abuse women.

The friend is relevant. People chose friends based on mutual interest, similar morals and all sorts of other stuff. Therefore I'm not friends with racists or other unpleasant people. If your dp is friends with someone who sends derogatory videos about women, and who is going to visit these places it's because he shares similar views. He might laugh about what a twat he is regarding the videos but he doesn't find it offensive enough to tell him to stop. If your dp knows he's going to use prostitutes and still wants to be friends with him it says an awful lot about your dp.

Decent men don't associate with pricks like this friend and they don't tolerate receiving derogatory videos about women.

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

That's a strong opinion socks, Im not sure if I'd class the red light district as abuse towards women, but that's your view and we are all entitled to one. My post wasn't to spark a debate on the sex trade in general and I know that my dp wouldn't sleep with a prostitute (or anyone else for that matter) as I said this wasn't about my questioning his loyalty to me or whether he should be friends with the person I've mentioned. I have friends whose opinions and views on things differ drastically to mine, they're still friends. They've been mates for years and this person has never been anything but respectful to me he's just a bit of a twat in general.
My aim was to see what others thought (or would feel about their oh going on this kind of break) I wanted to find out whether my thoughts/feelings on my dp visiting this kind of place and doing the 'what lads do' kind of thing was completely unreasonable or not.
Like I've said I know he wouldn't cheat on me (as much as anyone can know) I'm not worried about him going with prostitutes as that would be having sex with someone else outside of our relationship which obviously we both know would be cheating and spell the end, neither of us want that or would jeopardise our relationship for that. I just wasn't sure whether my thoughts and feelings on the other stuff (and not wanting him to go or feeling comfortable with him doing it) were completely unfair or not.

[Oogle]

Just as a FYI here, the women in the windows aren't naked, they aren't "getting themselves off" and the sex shows are dull.
The coffee shops are pretty cool and there are great restaurants, bars and clubs. It's not all seedy. Amsterdam is one of the most amazing cities to visit, very diverse, very welcoming and utterly beautiful.

It sounds to me that you are a bit insecure and that your DP is playing on that. I really wouldn't be worrying about this sort of stuff if he hasn't booked it. It's a bit weird that he's joking about going there, almost like he's trying to get a reaction out of you?

[LostSight]

If my husband told me he was going to Amsterdam with a friend, I wouldn't worry in the slightest. Amsterdam is a lovely place, there's plenty to do and see and flights are frequent and not too expensive.

If he tried to 'introduce the subject to get me used to the idea' ... well that would ring alarm bells.

I was trying to work out what made me uneasy about what you had said, and that was it.

You've said you'll talk to him. I'd do the same. Hope it's all above board.

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

I think that if your DP hasn't told his friend to stop sending derogatory videos of women to him , then he obviously doesn't feel strongly enough against this type of thing and I would therefore assume he would go to the red light district etc etc. which doesn't sit well with you .

But I think you're missing the fact that he is looking at these videos under your nose - going to Amsterdam is irrelevant because it's sort of happening here .

[PaterPower]

Some of you pp are over-egging the whole "why would he be friends with a misogynistic xxxx" (to paraphrase).

I'm happy for you that you're able to find so many like minded people to form a complete social circle, if a little worried that it's a bit GroupThink to be totally healthy.

I have a friend who sometimes sends sexist jokes (picture memes mainly). I also know he's been to strip clubs (his wife was aware) which I'd never do. If that was the only thing I judged him against then we wouldn't be mates.

What I value about him though is his dedication to his wife and family, his loyalty to his friends (which he's displayed time after time) and his being prepared to help anyone that needs it, regardless of the personal cost or inconvenience.

I don't know what OP's dh values in this friendship, but it's perfectly possible to be friends with people you don't agree totally with and not be "tainted" somehow in the process.

[PastoralCare]

Either you trust him or you don't. You can't trust a person, in certain places but not in others.

I think the idea of "Amsterdam" made plain some lingering and underlying fears. It's not as though if he wanted to he couldn't obtain what you fear in many other cities.

So rather than focusing on a specific trip you might have a general talk, assess where he is at, then make clear where your boundaries lay.

[IWantToWinTheLottery]

I don't think my dp is playing on any insecurity I may or may not have or trying to get a reaction, I know his friend and himself have discussed it previously and I think that the subject has come up again and he was more testing the water to see if I would have a problem with it.
Pastoral care, I trust him in general, whichever city he is in, I am about sure as you can be about another person, that he wouldn't have sex with another person whilst in a relationship. I don't fear anything but you're right this has brought to light boundaries for me that I hadn't considered. I obviously haven't made my original point clear because my issue isn't trust I was just trying to determine what others point of view was on whether they felt that visiting the red light district and going to see sex shows etc was acceptable and whether my thoughts and feelings surrounding my dp doing it were unreasonable or not.

[user1479305498]

I dont think its acceptable at all and I would have a big issue with it. No issue with Amsterdam as a nice have a few beers, the odd toke etc, a total big issue if it turns into some kind of pornfest.

[esk1mo]

this is a bit of a grey area for me. my DP went to amsterdam twice with his friends at the start of our relationship and i thought nothing of it. fast forward 4 years and i find out that some people he knows (not close friends, more like friend-of-friend type people) that most of them have slept with a prostitute while in amsterdam, even the ones in long term relationships. one is even due to be married soon this has changed my views and its a weird subject for me to form an opinion on, because these men i have seen at parties and nights out etc and they dont leer at women or flirt with other women so i would never have expected it. these men are in their 20s though so age could be a factor, plus the attitude of "well if so&so has done it then its ok!"

im sure your partner is much more mature than these idiots though. why does the friend specifically want to go to amsterdam? ive been twice and its a beautiful city, & obviously very relaxed about cannabis. i have friends who have been to sex shows with their DPs and they described them as hilarious (doing stuff with bananas !) rather than sexual. i doubt you have anything to worry about, most men have morals, just make sure he knows how you feel before he goes?

[mainlywingingit]

I think it's a bit rank that he's going to Amsterdam to get sexual kicks of sex workers. I'm not really sure that constitutes a good man and it's not like he is 17-22 years old and being a bit of a child.

I'd be very disappointed. Most of these women are taken advantage of - a 'good' man would not exploit them. Sorry but it's not even like he has a partner not having any sex with him as it sounds like you have a good sex life. Very greedy behaviour and I wouldn't trust that.

[Oddsockspissmeoff]

I'm happy for you that you're able to find so many like minded people to form a complete social circle, if a little worried that it's a bit GroupThink to be totally healthy.
I have a friend who sometimes sends sexist jokes (picture memes mainly

It's actually not hard to find men who don't do this. Sexist demeaning jokes belong in the past with racism and other ignorant views. If you're happy to have someone send you degrading jokes about your gender that's fine. Personally I'm not.

Op you're really not being unreasonable about this. I also agree with condensed milk that this sort of thing is already happening here with him looking at these sort of videos. I really wouldn't like the feeling of someone testing the waters like this. It suggests he knows what he's proposing really isn't ok.