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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ive left and im very anxious

41 replies

cocoface · 28/01/2017 06:25

Can someone hold my hand

Ive left my dp and moved in with a relative until I have sorted out somewhere more permanent to go. Our relationship was struggling for quite a while but it reached fever pitch las week. He is unable to save anything - he will pay what he absolutely has to ie rent but anything else that can be put off will be. Food, heating, savings for rainy day doesn happen.

His ds had a landmark birthday last week and dp hadnt a penny saved for it - however he is drinking either out in a bar or at home 4-5 nights per week. He also buys himself gadgets clothes etc on a regular basis. Im suffering quite severe depression at the minute and this worry is making it worse.

Last week he stayed out all nite and had to cancel plans the next day with me and my children as he was too hungover.

When i object he tells me im boring, demanding, thst my depression gives me mood swings and he needs an outlet away from me - we do have awful fights and are horrible to each other.

I just had enough and said i was going
He verbally abused me- told me i was selfish etc.

I just want the strength to stay away -

OP posts:
Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 06:26

Sorry - i didnt realise that was so long

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Costacoffeeplease · 28/01/2017 06:29

You have awful fights and are horrible to each other - that means you shouldn't be together, and it's no way to bring up your children, do better for them

SorrelSoup · 28/01/2017 06:31

Sounds like you've done the right thing! Living with him would certainly lead to me feeling anxious and depressed. How long were you together? How old are your dc? Was it his house then? He sounds like a very selfish man who has problems with alcohol. If you go back he will drag you down with him. He's not living as a responsible adult is he? He's blaming you for challenging him on his poor behaviour. Well done on getting out, it can't have been easy.

YvyB · 28/01/2017 06:34

Well done. You've been really brave and finally put a boundary in place for yourself.Do you think it would help if you saw it as drawing a line in the sand for your dc when they become future adults too?
I left a relationship once because something happened that was totally unacceptable. I was devastated my dc witnessed it but then suddenly realised that the best way I could make it right for them was not only to say "no human being has the right to behave like that to another" but LIVE the words too. That realisation gave me so much strength to stand firm.

Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 06:44

Thank you -we rent but I moved in with him so he holds the tenancy. My DC are 8 and 10 - together 5 years.

He is trying to get me to talk to him and im refusing.

The pattern is he will take one incidence and talk about that - will trivialise it - say that im not perfect myself and im constantly tired grumpy etc.

The real issues are skirted around

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KarmaNoMore · 28/01/2017 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 28/01/2017 06:47

He sounds like an alcoholic. Well done for leaving.

YvyB · 28/01/2017 06:51

Been there. Soooo boring. Because it's never him, is it? Bet you've heard "I'm sorry, but ...." so many times. My personal favourite, when I told him how hurt I'd felt: "well, you shouldn't have"(said in tones of self righteous indignation 😂😂)

Show your dc that decent adults deserve relationships where both people count equally.

SorrelSoup · 28/01/2017 06:51

Don't you feel freer and lighter already? You're going to feel like a weight has been lifted! You owe it to yourself and your children to keep away from him. You can all be so much happier. So lucky to not have any ties, you can just walk away! It sounds like it was a stressful way to live. Start building a life for you and your dc.

Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 07:00

Thanks so much. Its him making me doubt myself which is the worst. He tells me I should live on my own thst im mad - etc

Dont get me wrong I answer him and tell him what I think if him and his short fallings and its not pleasant - but its increasingly sapping my confidence.

Honestly though its his selfishness towards his own dc that made me finally see. His ds car broke down - this is a big problem as he uses it to get to uni and work - his ex and dc live in a very rural area with practically no public transport. His dc was really upset as he was struggling to find money to pay for repairs.

I took £100 from my savings and gave it to his ds saying it was from me and dp - when ds contacted his dad to thank him dp told him that it was actually me only who gave the money as he was broke. He did this from a bar where he had been drinking for 7 hours after a funeral he had just attended! [Sad] Angry

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Shayelle · 28/01/2017 07:06

You are SO much better off without. He will drag you down and down. Wonder how much he'd spent on that bar in 7 hours, pissing it all up the wall. What a man eh?!!

Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 07:11

Exactly - i felt so hurt on his ds behalf! - imagine how he must have felt

Its more the actual dealing with him when i go to pack up my stuff - he owes me money also - what do i say when he starts trying to talk or argue with me?

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Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 07:12

There is no one i can take with me to help and really i want to be able to face him down on my own

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Deathraystare · 28/01/2017 07:17

When i object he tells me im boring, demanding, thst my depression gives me mood swings and he needs an outlet away from me - we do have awful fights and are horrible to each other.

Well he is the boring one and a bit of a child. Not wanting any responsibility. You did the right thing.

Deathraystare · 28/01/2017 07:18

im constantly tired grumpy etc.

No shit. Did he ever wonder why you were???!!!

Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 07:18

Yes im glad i left - its just how to deal with him now is my issue

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Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 07:20

Deathraystare - that of course was put down to my illness! -

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Shayelle · 28/01/2017 07:24

How much does he owe you? Really i think if you want shot of him once and for all you have to cut yur loss and forget the money. As its only going to be somethig that he uses as an excuse to string you along. You wont see the money. See it as a cost of becoming free. Wouldnt it be nice to feel at peace and free? That is how you WILL feel. You have to grit your teeth and find your inner strength right now tho. Flowers

Shayelle · 28/01/2017 07:25

Have you got all your possessions out of the flat?

Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 07:30

No - ive paid rent for the next month so im not paniced about having to get it all out inmediately - i need to sort storage for alot of it also

He owes me 200 for bills etc - id best forget it i suppose

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Shayelle · 28/01/2017 07:31

I think youd be best to cut your losses - call it lesson learnt. Good luck. Does your phone have a block facility? If he starts calling/texting/begging you might cave and go back.

Shayelle · 28/01/2017 07:31

He sounds like a fucking arse, i wouldnt put up with that shit. x

Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 07:34

Ive blocked him - his texts go to spam and I answer when it suits - ie a letter arrives etc

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Kadena127 · 28/01/2017 08:02

Calmly state you are there to collect your things, grab your stuff and do not engage in any further conversation with him. Good luck.

Original poster
cocoface · 28/01/2017 08:21

Ive tried before not to get into conversation with him he will just push at me verbally to try to get me to respond

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