Feeling stuck...just need to vent

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

have posted before, just think i need a bit of a ramble (sorry it's going to be a long one) and any random words of wisdom on any one part... i've just gotten back from counselling and it's clear i can't stay in limbo forever.

very short summary backstory - found out about OW (supposedly only emotional affair, 1 year + long, lots of work trips with added vacations together culminating in a 2 week long europe vacation where he missed DS 2nd bday and lied saying it was all business) 2 weeks before moving cross country in the US. have one DS3, am on spouse visa (we are expat), basically tried for almost 2 years now to work things out. if we didn't have DS, i'd have been gone already. aside from OW, we had the usual couple arguments, but OW has now brought to forefront other issues as well. at counselling we go round and round in circles, he is given advice and specific goals/tasks, and he basically isn't coming up to scratch.

when i make it clear i'm struggling for reasons to say, his standard response is i love you and that he is trying and will do anything to try and make it work. but when told specific things to do - he only does them when he can be bothered or is told (and yes, nagged) to do them, or just doesn't do them at all. has a sudden burst of activity only if we've had a massive blowout and he thinks i'm packing up and leaving that day. then any effort dies off, and he goes back to his normal. mostly small stuff that wouldn't involve much effort on his part, but he's got lots of time and energy for things that benefit only himself.

also, at this point after regular counselling for more than a year, i don't believe his underlying "belief system" is compatible with mine. i gave up my phd and potential career prospects to support his career and move as a trailing spouse, looked after DS basically solo til i found out about OW, and am now in a shit immigration situation if i want to leave. so far, his attitude has essentially been a mixture of i should be happy because i get to spend all his money, he has (finally) taken on some of his parenting duties, and he didn't have sex with OW, so it's not even that big a deal.

i thought i had everything sorted and ready to go (leave) after massive argument and started making preparations, but further talking with immigration and family lawyers, and best advice was to hang about as he is about to be localized and his work will apply for green cards for us (DS is US born) - which would solve my worry about immigration issues if we split, job opportunities, and gaining custody of DS if we split (i.e. not sure i could get court to give me physical custody if i were to leave the US).

i could try and leave the US... but i'm not sure he won't fight me on taking DS out of the country. and i'm not sure i can win... and if i don't win, i'm fucked, because i may have to leave the country.

i could stay and stick it out for the green card and then split... but not sure i can handle it for that long (we need to live together til then). he is under the delusion that things are better and he is trying harder, he wants to stay together etc etc.

main benefits to staying where we are even if we split are that DS will have easier access to his DF, DF will be able to stay in his high paying career and hopefully provide good financial support for DS, lifestyle is cheaper here than the two other countries I could go back to (one being UK) - i could afford a house here by myself if i got a job, etc. otherwise, there's no real benefit for me.

i don't know why, but i'm also put off as i know he will blame me if i leave with DS, and he decides to follow and quit his job here, saying that i caused his career to derail (nvm that mine is completely derailed by being a trailing spouse) - counsellor said, if you're going to split, why do you care? and i don't have an answer. or if he doesn't move back - i'm taking his DS away from him.

in my head, we're done. in my head, we're pretty much co-habiting and co-parenting because of DS, and i'm just waiting out the whole immigration situation. if i could leave without the threat of having to take a custody fight to court in an unfriendly jurisdiction, i feel like i would. but at the same time, i have to admit i'm obviously in no hurry to end my currently "easy" lifestyle. i can't tell how he'd react if i made it clear there is no way toward reconciliation anymore, and because of the immigration situation, i feel stuck not being able to make that more clear.

so many more things i could go on about, but better leave it there. appreciate anyone's thoughts or comments.

from another thread:

^On Gaslighting and it's effects - OP read this:

narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

Second-guessing yourself because your confidence is destroyed (note you are doing this here - asking posters here "this is bonkers isn't it?" because you aren't quite sure)

• Asking “Am I too sensitive?”

• Apologizing

• Loss of joy and happiness in life

• Withholding information from others (hiding true facts from friends and family due to shame)

• Knowing something is terribly wrong, but can’t figure out what

• Trouble making simple decisions

• You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, and more relaxed:

• You feel hopeless and joyless and extremely anxious.^

everything except the apologizing - i do rarely apologize unless i actually think i'm wrong.

Expat, you know what he is doing is just this. It is not you. What do we do to help you through it?

venting on here is pretty helpful. i can say all the rude things that pop into my head even if they are a bit mean.

so latest one is... does anyone else have to tell their H not to let the 3 year old play with pruning shears???

You're having counselling with him??

You seem very embroiled with him. Yes you gave up a lot for the relationship but, as you have seen, that was pissing in the wind. No matter, don't get sucked into the sunk costs fallacy. It was a waste of your time - so don't waste any more of your time.

Carve out a life for yourself. Train yourself to not think about him and what a cunt he is blah blah. I think it's fully established he is a cunt. So onto you now: what do you want in life, what are your aims, who are you. Forget about him. It's a waste of time and your life .

You have Trump-supporting neighbours - but they are lovely people. You just have to take that. They could be Trump supporters and be horrible people, so it's not all bad. I know plenty of people who have impeccable political beliefs who are revolting. It would be great if people had the full pack but, hey, not always possible.

Stop talking to him, engaging with him, getting stressed and pissed off with him. You know what he's like, you can't change him. Accept what he's like, accept your horrible situation. It isn't permanent, ds is 3 so not set in concrete, schoolwise, until he's 5ish. 2 years could make a huge difference to your prospects.

I sound heartless but I really am not. You're in a very difficult situation and you can get mired in it or find a way to rise above it

yeah, still going to counselling, but it's basically a waste of time at this point - we've been repeating the same core issues over and over for months. it's more so i can let off some steam under supervision so to speak. i sometimes go by myself, and he also has his own male individual one who is supposed to give him a male perspective, but i don't think anything is happening there.

definitely working on stuff for myself and DS first. am procrastinating on applying to jobs but will get there soon - i think my life will actually in a way become more stressful if i do start work as basically i'll be working full time and doing everything at home too. and also, why shouldn't i enjoy my "time off" now?

did i mention i stopped doing his laundry as part of the family wash a few weeks ago? that's progress, right? lol.

Springy nails it Expat, she really does.

Your time off will seem nice now. I cover the full housework with some help from a cleaner on top of a 50-60 hour week.

Work gives me mental freedom, the freedom to talk, contribute, use my brain for more, I meet lots of people outside of my mum social circles.

It shows me how my DHs behaviour has been shit. How people respect me and treat me with dignity at work.

It might give you that too. You were doing a PhD by that I assume you are very bright and you might benefit from stimulation at work

So counselling is groundhog day. He's never going to change. You need to get that. Counselling with him will impact the damage even more. Cut it, and him, off. He is not the author of your life, or the author of your prospects.

You're running a race, a marathon, here and you need to get streamlined by cutting off the dead weight. That includes him but also all your resentment - you just can't afford it with what you have ahead.

i'm still procrastinating a bit on the jobs - trying to figure out some trips to visit family before i have to really start watching my pennies (it's more than 50% more, even up to double the cost to get back to the uk from here, ugh). and not in a hurry to make my life harder. but, i do need to get to it - i haven't contributed to a pension in almost 10 years (phd, followed by sahm), and i realized that while we have been contributing to his pension and various retirement funds since we moved to the US, we have not put anything aside for me since we moved here on the expat assignment 5 years ago. i have to remember to take that into account when the time for financial settlement comes, and also use it as a motivation to find a job with a decent pension plan.

i try to keep busy talking to friends - there are lots of stay at home expat and domestic spouses with children because of the nature of the company and how they move people around. a few more people know now, and that has helped as i don't have to keep up the fiction of a happy marriage with them.

i've started taking DS out of school early one day a week to go to the museums during the free periods, and it's been really lovely. he is a very very sweet boy (didn't get it from me lol!), so while i say if i didn't have him, i'd have been long gone, i could never regret having him.

counselling is more of a necessary pretense at this point. i have to be careful because what's at stake is custody of DS and potentially being separated from him by an international border. it's very easy to say i should just up and leave, but the law is quite clear. if his DF wants to, he can deny permission to take him out of the country and if i do, then i will be going against the hague convention and will likely lose in court. that is the only thing holding me back. even if he gives permission in writing and i leave with DS, if he then retracts it and files in court here under Hague in a reasonable period of time (and before i've established residency and therefore jurisdiction in another country), there is a possibility he will win. and really that's the crux of the dilemna i have.

i don't know why, but i feel on a much more even keel this last week or two. knowing in my head that i am finished with this, and that i am just waiting the situation out to ensure i'm not separated from DS. or maybe because i no longer feel guilty about being the SAHM, having finally realized all the compromises and sacrifices i made for things that are not to my benefit in the long run.

Sounds positive, OP. You are playing a waiting game, so it is good that you are enjoying these moments with your child and your friends.

i often see sandy posting this list on other threads of a similar nature and the fact that most of my answers are no is pretty telling. doesn't even come close to being yes on most of these:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

a little bit sad today - when i picked him up from school, DS said he was waiting to be a big brother. one of his classmates just became a big sister. he often asks for a baby sister and that he wants to be a big brother. in all likelihood, it's not going to happen. when all hell broke loose, i'd actually started thinking about DC2 - obviously better for all around i hadn't got round to actually trying. still, sad for what might have been, and for what i/DS will miss out on.

reading all the other threads about those who've found themselves with "wayward" spouses, i really wish i'd been on mumsnet before i found out. would have made it easier to make the hard decisions earlier on, and i would have been out of this situation.

also would have been in a position to recognize "the script". so many times i wondered if he didn't have a point about being pushed away/neglected, etc etc. now to realize it was all bullshit to deflect any blame off himself.

today is our 7th anniversary. i was making plans with friends for tonight as i'd actually forgotten. in reality, i don't care about anniversary/valentines etc anymore. why would i?

admittedly, on our last anniversary before DDay, i was on a plane to the UK for my/DS annual/semi-annual visit that he never wants to join us on, as i had made an error in not thinking about the date when i booked. but, made special effort to plan anniversary dinner before we left, etc. in reality, at that time he was planning his 2 week vacation with OW... and had already been seeing her for almost a year (if he is to be believed about the start of all of it).