Feeling stuck...just need to vent

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

have posted before, just think i need a bit of a ramble (sorry it's going to be a long one) and any random words of wisdom on any one part... i've just gotten back from counselling and it's clear i can't stay in limbo forever.

very short summary backstory - found out about OW (supposedly only emotional affair, 1 year + long, lots of work trips with added vacations together culminating in a 2 week long europe vacation where he missed DS 2nd bday and lied saying it was all business) 2 weeks before moving cross country in the US. have one DS3, am on spouse visa (we are expat), basically tried for almost 2 years now to work things out. if we didn't have DS, i'd have been gone already. aside from OW, we had the usual couple arguments, but OW has now brought to forefront other issues as well. at counselling we go round and round in circles, he is given advice and specific goals/tasks, and he basically isn't coming up to scratch.

when i make it clear i'm struggling for reasons to say, his standard response is i love you and that he is trying and will do anything to try and make it work. but when told specific things to do - he only does them when he can be bothered or is told (and yes, nagged) to do them, or just doesn't do them at all. has a sudden burst of activity only if we've had a massive blowout and he thinks i'm packing up and leaving that day. then any effort dies off, and he goes back to his normal. mostly small stuff that wouldn't involve much effort on his part, but he's got lots of time and energy for things that benefit only himself.

also, at this point after regular counselling for more than a year, i don't believe his underlying "belief system" is compatible with mine. i gave up my phd and potential career prospects to support his career and move as a trailing spouse, looked after DS basically solo til i found out about OW, and am now in a shit immigration situation if i want to leave. so far, his attitude has essentially been a mixture of i should be happy because i get to spend all his money, he has (finally) taken on some of his parenting duties, and he didn't have sex with OW, so it's not even that big a deal.

i thought i had everything sorted and ready to go (leave) after massive argument and started making preparations, but further talking with immigration and family lawyers, and best advice was to hang about as he is about to be localized and his work will apply for green cards for us (DS is US born) - which would solve my worry about immigration issues if we split, job opportunities, and gaining custody of DS if we split (i.e. not sure i could get court to give me physical custody if i were to leave the US).

i could try and leave the US... but i'm not sure he won't fight me on taking DS out of the country. and i'm not sure i can win... and if i don't win, i'm fucked, because i may have to leave the country.

i could stay and stick it out for the green card and then split... but not sure i can handle it for that long (we need to live together til then). he is under the delusion that things are better and he is trying harder, he wants to stay together etc etc.

main benefits to staying where we are even if we split are that DS will have easier access to his DF, DF will be able to stay in his high paying career and hopefully provide good financial support for DS, lifestyle is cheaper here than the two other countries I could go back to (one being UK) - i could afford a house here by myself if i got a job, etc. otherwise, there's no real benefit for me.

i don't know why, but i'm also put off as i know he will blame me if i leave with DS, and he decides to follow and quit his job here, saying that i caused his career to derail (nvm that mine is completely derailed by being a trailing spouse) - counsellor said, if you're going to split, why do you care? and i don't have an answer. or if he doesn't move back - i'm taking his DS away from him.

in my head, we're done. in my head, we're pretty much co-habiting and co-parenting because of DS, and i'm just waiting out the whole immigration situation. if i could leave without the threat of having to take a custody fight to court in an unfriendly jurisdiction, i feel like i would. but at the same time, i have to admit i'm obviously in no hurry to end my currently "easy" lifestyle. i can't tell how he'd react if i made it clear there is no way toward reconciliation anymore, and because of the immigration situation, i feel stuck not being able to make that more clear.

so many more things i could go on about, but better leave it there. appreciate anyone's thoughts or comments.

random - i was starting to hope/think that. but unfort he is pretty much the epitome of white male privilege. throw in his inability to empathize and you get someone who doesn't care as long as it doesn't affect him. he won't even admit that it's likely the GC process is going to be delayed with the new administration, despite the federal hiring freeze already announced. also, his earning power in his current job/company is going to be hard to match, so he won't leave willingly.

Can throw yourself 1,000 % into doting wife act and somehow persuade him to leave due to GC issues - obviously will have to bade your time but it may be your best option?

New home with his and her bathrooms and a cleaner in the meantime?

random - i dunno if he's got his head in the sand. we are not sleeping in the same room. i've stopped doing his laundry. i still cook dinner for the whole family but don't dish it up on his plate, don't set his place at the table etc. he still carries on as if we're going to be married forever. i'm past the point where i could play the doting wife and i've said pretty much he'd have to change hugely at his point for me to not consider us being over, but he carries on as usual. we do have a cleaner thank god, but that was a whole other fight (got that in our last location when i was pregnant and had to clean up his literal shit in 4 different toilets, which continued when i had a newborn to look after). we won't be moving unless we are splitting - he insisted on buying this house that wasn't my choice at an elevated price due to the market conditions at the time and we will lose a fair chunk of money when we do sell. if i do say now that i want to leave, i will get the blame for "ruining" his career, and i'm not quite ready to face the hassle of that yet.

Expat we just moved back last summer after 13 years in London, 20 years in total abroad. We moved back to my old neighbourhood and I am loving every minute.

Your H does not sound very bright does he?

Trump is a whole other nightmare. He is acting literally unhinged with some of his actions the past few days.

Oh OP... I do not have anything Wise or Helpful to say, other than to repeat the suggestion that you Keep Talking. Am also here via biscuit!thread, purely to suggest that. And to leave some to make up for the stolen biscuits...

Will hold my thumbs for your Green Card coming through as swiftly as is possible.

Thanks zebraowl

Bit of a rough counselling session today. "Well I'm sort of considerate in other ways (it only took months and months of nagging to get to that), so shouldn't that count against the selfishness of the biscuit saga?"

My favourite part: "do you really think I put myself first most of the time". Very offended look when I immediately answered yes. No glimmer of understanding that the biscuits are just the latest in actions demonstrating his lack of care and considerations for others. Not least of all his decisions to deliberately go on vacations with OW, putting his wants first without considering the effect on our family.

hearts - i wouldn't want to go back to our last neighbourhood (where we also went for his job), was miserable there and we got burgled by our neighbours (that's a whole other story). mostly lived in and around the GTA - that would be way better than here in so many ways. whenever i visit my mum in the UK i think i'd also like London better than here.

as always hindsight is everything. i now know i wouldn't move anywhere for a DP without checking all of my legal rights etc before I went, or without really weighing the benefits for myself/DS. i never imagined i'd end up in this position.

I am in the US too, though we are citizens now and to be honest the only thing I can think to suggest it to get some advice from a reputable family lawyer and get a second opinion from another immigration lawyer. What a shit situation to be in though

Sorry, just realised I meant to type get more opinions from lawyers.

Sorry for multiple post, on strong pain meds and a bit fuzzy headed.

We used to live in a state (only for a short while thankfully) which sounds a bit like yours, it was like living in Stepford. Everytime now that I hear Miranda Lambert's song Mammas Broken Heart on the radio/watch the video of it on YouTube it makes me feel a bit stabby.

Sorry, really nothing else to suggest just sending sympathy

loup - the advice i got was pretty much what i expected. i think if DS was not US born i'd be slightly more willing to take the risk to try and go as there's no argument that DS has permanent right to live either. the immigration lawyer said she thought i needed to show there was no legal way for me to stay if we divorce before GC is complete - i.e. attempt to get my own job and my own visa, etc, which would give a stronger case that i can't stay. so i'm taking that into account and need to get moving on job applications. it's not too stepford here, it could be worse in that regard. mostly just the trump and gun type culture - i stick to people i know aren't like that so i get along fine for the most part.

No, I know what you mean. I went through a period of having my citizenship come into question and it was scary as hell, the fact that I could be deported without DH and DS, and that was with a supportive husband who would have left with me.

I'm sorry, really don't know what else to say, is there anything you can do to make sticking it out more bearable? If your DH had an affair and you had proof, would that make a difference?

Sorry, I'm not very up on family law

loup - enough proof that any normal person/jury would believe it, but unfortunately won't make much of a difference to any settlement and likely not to custody issues either. i guess i wasn't ready to uproot my whole life and told myself i at least had to try rather than just jacking it all in immediately, but that decision was the wrong one ultimately.

Sorry I meant if he did it again (obviously hoping he doesn't for your sake). That's a shame, I wasn't sure if it would help sway things solidly in your favour. I think I would have done the same in your shoes and tried again, hindsight is a curse. Nothing else helpful to say just . Does anyone in RL know? Its going to be pretty wearing to keep up the wife act

i don't know if it's the political climate getting to me now to make me feel more and more this is not a place i want to spend the rest of my life or raise DS.

a friend asked me how many life decisions i've gotten to make since getting married - about the only one really is having DS, which again in hindsight, H didn't really want. DS is fantastic, i wouldn't undo that, just wish i'd chosen a better father.

just feeling paralyzed and like i'm wasting my life away. all the sacrifices i've made for his benefit and i'm not going to end up seeing any benefit for myself in the long run.

i actually did want another DC before all this came out, but obviously now not with him, and can't see it happening in the future. i think in a few years, i'm really going to regret that as well, even more than i do now.

i guess the biscuit thing touched off for me all the ways he's shown he's in everything for himself first. looking back and thinking about things he's said, explanations he's given, it's all about passing off the "blame" to someone else. i look back and think to myself, why did i buy that BS? why couldn't my brain comprehend that he wasn't being genuine and that he was twisting things around to be my fault? the thread about it not being lying because you didn't ask the right question - that all brought it back for me.

even the biscuit thing in counselling - supposedly agreed he should have had a little thought for the others in the house. but then starts saying, "oh we have to have these special rules about all these things. do i make you follow special rules about stuff like that?" in a tone completely making it clear he thinks it's crazy. ummm...no, because you don't have to, because i actually make the effort to try and be considerate about other people who are supposed to be part of my family. i generally as a rule, don't do things that will deprive other people of their fair share/chance to do something/whatever.

ah, such a relief to get this stuff off my chest. thank you, whoever still is, for continuing to read.

this is my original thread about OW.

I am still reading but have to chase down toddler with painty paintbrush so will back later to reply, I'm not much help but always happy to listen

Could you suggest to him that you split your time between living with him in the US and coming back to the UK, so not divorce but you want DS in the UK education system...

Expat, couldn't read and not let you know I'm thinking about you. I didn't think the lawyers would help much except clarify.

I know you need to wait it out, trump supporting gun wavers and all.

I've asked you in the past about the situation and tried to solve it with you. Seems like you have to sit this out. This being the case (you've taken many steps to start this)how do we help protect your mental health and your vitality?

You will get out of this but it will take a while. Counselling is doing nothing, he's got the empathy of a mushroom and is an all round arsehole.

But you lovely lady are there in the middle, with your beautiful DC who by your very intelligent hand will not grow up to be the arse his father is.

How do we help you? You will leave, you just need timing. It's like planting a seed, you will do it but the ground conditions and the weather are not yet kind.

(I'm still here btw. I gave up on counselling with him. He never has the answer to 'why the fuck did you do that?' The EA has changed him massively, it's like I have my partner from 20 years ago. I will never forgive him, never. I believe OW was jealous of me, even though I had never met her. Too many she did what's? Said whats? She turned our every happy moment to a bad thing and vocalised it. I think she just wanted DH as her stand in DH to replace her own alcoholic lazy DH and he fell hook, line and sinker. Turns out she was openly jealous of my pregnancy in the office, got the same birthday presents as me from her own husband, I've read the texts where she condemns women with flashy handbags(I have a lot of designer bags), shops he had told her I shopped in, got him to buy her underwear after I made a joke about it on Facebook etc. DH being the naive knob he is bought it all. She appears daily on my FB friends suggestions (we have no link) and instagram. She must still be looking at me. I'm not that exciting but DH let her into our lives and ruined it, so it's up to him to fix it.)

random - i am starting to think about education and schools, especially with the joke that is the current nomination (guns in schools to protect from bears... , so could be a possible future route. DS not due to start primary until sept 2018 here.

littleredpear - i've often wondered about OW, but have never met her. i've asked discreetly some other company wives about her, but since she's at a different office, noone i know knows much. i could contact her, but what would be the point now? it won't change what he did.

it is starting to get hard to show a normal facade socially, especially as pretty much all the people i know and am friends with here are company spouses.

ideally i'd like him to be an adult about it, and either agree to move out of the US, or agree that we are split up now but cohabiting til GC is done. Second is entirely dependent on his goodwill which is where the risk lies.

See I just wondered if he would compromise on the split living, he keeps his important façade of you still be married/together you at least have the space of being away more time than not. He could work anywhere in the world whilst you and DS remain based somewhere?

Surely he needs to go to private nursery from 3ish though which is now...

Could you at least go on an extended holiday to visit family/friends and give you both space from each other and see whether you can regroup enough to find a compromise that could be bearable for you whilst the GC etc is resolved?

random - his career is tied up here for the next few years right now, with a decent chance he'll have to move around at a later date, it's just the way this company works (another risk on my end, if i stay but we split, H may end up moving away anyway). DS is in private daycare now, started at the end of last summer. the only reason he's in full-time is the company currently pays for it. that will stop if they start the GC process, so i'm sure it will have to be up for discussion. i want to be able to say to friends, look things haven't worked out and we are not together anymore, and not have to pretend we are still married. i want to be free to do my own thing with DS. (and yes, eventually if someone comes along, i want to be free and i'd sort of like to have sex again sometime before i die with someone who genuinely cares for me). in terms of split living, i also don't know how he would take that - and i'm hesitant a bit for DS sake - that's the one area he's improved the most, i.e. has actually developed his own relationship with DS and i know it would be very hard on DS not to see him all the time. i'm not sure about extended holidays at the moment, i saw that was suggested a few times. a) i'm not sure he'd agree to it. and b) i'm not sure if it would be good or bad, but somewhat worried about US immigration changing drastically. i probably need to talk to an immigration lawyer again about 1) the changes that are happening in the govt, and 2) whether i can live outside the US while the GC is in process.

Contact with the OW doesn't help one bit. If you have the mentality to want to be an OW then trying to talk to them is pointless.

You deserve better in your life expat. I wish it could happen sooner.

it's ridiculous, despite everything, i'm now experiencing stupid stress because he got cut from a job process he really wanted (didn't meet medical requirements) and they just announced the remaining candidates. it's making me feel bad/guilty even though i know his medical issues are categorically not my fault! fucking minds messing with us.