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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to feel..

27 replies

user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 08:20

OK so I have been in a relationship for about 5years and we are happy together well at least he said he's happy with me... My problem is that I am insecure about him, deep down I trust him but some how I just can't help but check this phone stuff like that but at the start of the relationship he was trying to get back with his ex so since then that doubt will never go away.. A few times I have found Porn on this phone and it made me feel so sad and more insecure so I confronted him about it and he basically brushed me off! I told him it hurts me and it's disrespectful but yet he still dose it at any chance he can, even though I Have made a effort to spice things up, I found the Porn again last night he had deleted it but left traces so I no what he's up to and he's hiding it from me which makes me feel even worse. I love him but when i found the Porn last night it didn't even hurt me I felt quite cold about it, has anyone experienced the same situation or have any advice for me?

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 10:21

Of course he's hiding it because he doesnt want you to find it because you check his phone! He's your equal, your partner - not your child. If porn is a dealbreaker for you, leave. Dont invade another persons privacy then shame them into hiding things from you. That's wrong.

Original poster
user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 12:45

I know its wrong checking his phone, I hate doing it but I don't want to leave him I love him and my insecurities just won't let me stop my curiosity, I wish he would just speak to be about it instead of brushing me off, I don't know if porn is a deal breaker at first I was fuming but I can't just leave him because of the porn now I don't know how to feel if it was dating website i would be out the window never mind the door haha! When it come to sex I feel so insecure like am I doing this right? Sometime I try to hard thinking am not good enough and the up just thinking about it the whole way through so I don't find sex very pleasurable anymore, thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 27/01/2017 12:52

Perhaps if he showed you some respect you'd be less paranoid; what effort is he making OP cos it sounds like you're doing all you can and getting nowhere, as for the porn, every opportunity he gets, for me, he'd be out the door already, that's minging.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 27/01/2017 13:05

I can't just leave him because of the porn

Why can't you?

If it's a deal breaker, then leave.

If you don't like it, but it's not a deal breaker, then stop checking his phone.

Agree with Les. He's your partner, not your child. You cannot tell him what to do/not to do.

WifeyFish · 27/01/2017 13:24

To be honest, if you carry on the way you're going I wouldn't be surprised if he takes the choice of leaving out of your hands and walks himself. I have nothing to hide, but would be beyond angry if my DP was checking my phone at every opportunity, it's an invasion of privacy and shows a huge lack of respect.

The key to any relationship is trust and communication, both of which you sound like you're lacking right now. Personally, I don't think watching porn is enough of an offence to not trust him, but I think a conversation about why he watches it might help allay your fears that you're not enough for him and begin to repair the damage that comes from checking up on a DP without due cause.

LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 13:26

If you feel inadequate sexually, you need to open up with your partner, talk about it together, connect. Your intimate relationship belongs to both of you and is your responsibility to both nurture. Forget about the porn for now, thats a red herring isnt it. The problem is your insecurities. Only you can deal with those, but your partner can certainly help you. If you love each other, deal with this transparently.

Original poster
user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 13:44

I know and I also agree with les, it's wrong and it feels wrong, but how do you not treat him this way if he won't open up and talk about it, i did stop checking his phone for a while as we are trying for a baby's.. I thought porn might be out the question but something inside me just had to see if I was right or not. i feel like I wish I liked Porn so we could enjoy it together but I don't think the thought of my boyfriend jacking off over another women would honestly turn me on. I honestly don't know how to feel or what to do and I don't want to confront him about it because I know what he will say. Thanks for advice

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 13:52

Change the word "confront" to "talk" to him about your relationship. Not porn. Thats a start.

Original poster
user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 13:55

Thank you les, I guess my relationship is worth me trying one more time to tell him how I actually feel about are sex life and my insecurities, can I just ask weather you think he would feel this way if he wasn't the one that watch porn and I did.. Do you think males wouldnt mind there girls watching Porn? That just a curious question BTW.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 14:01

I dont know. But what I do know is he probably doesn't make the correlation between his own sex life and porn as you do. You could have the best sex life ever and he still might have the compulsion to look at some in a spare minute. Would it bother you so much if you felt sexually confident? Thats the question. You love the guy. Trust him. Throw your energy into building intimacy together not monitoring him. Be daring. Ask him what he wants sexually and let him feel safe to express it. If you fancy it, give it a go. If you dont, maybe just talking and fantasising about it and during love making will be enough to do it for both of you, you know? Be brave and womanly and claim your man Wink

Original poster
user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 14:09

I Also think a big fear of mine is that the Porn will lead to something else.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 14:15

Stop fearing start connecting. Bottom line.

Original poster
user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 14:16

Thank you so so much for advice les your have really helped me out sometime its hard to here the truth but I think it's want I needed! I will try one last time to speak to him about it, and I have actually try to ask him what his fantasies are and maybe we could make they happen I have told him mine and he doesn't seem keen to make any affort to pursue them, he is quite vanilla In the bed room with me and I feel like he's holding back for some reason or maybe that's just he way he is I don't know but I will get to the bottom of this..

OP posts:
Adora10 · 27/01/2017 14:22

Takes two to make a good relationship, is he really that interested OP and you have a right to not accept porn in your relationship, it sounds like you are twisting yourself to suit him, all a bit one sided.

You keep going back to the porn, you don't have to have it in your relationship and as for spicing things up, what's he doing for you?

If my partner was watching porn at every available opportunity, the last thing I'd be doing is dressing myself up to please him.

LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 14:26

Nobody mentioned dressing up.

pocketsaviour · 27/01/2017 14:30

If you are not having enough sex, or sex that satisfies you, and you suspect he's watching porn because he can't be bothered to make an effort with you, then that's crap and it's not surprising it would upset you.

However if your sex life is good, then I don't think it's your business to police how he masturbates. And all this checking his phone business... come on. That's going to kill the relationship stone dead.

How long have you been together now? 5 years? So for 4.5 years you've had no reason to question his faithfulness, but you've still been checking?

can I just ask weather you think he would feel this way if he wasn't the one that watch porn and I did

Every partner I've had has been over the moon when I've suggested watching porn together (or emailed him and said "I've just been watching a really horny porn film and it's given me ideas.") I have never met a man who doesn't watch porn, and I've never met a man who's said he wouldn't want his partner watching porn.

Original poster
user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 14:43

I actually have dressed up to
Please him but he has never done anything I have suggest I would like.. It kind of dose feel like I have made all the effort in this relationship but am not going to stop yet am going to try and fix it one last time, I hate looking through is phone I don't want to be that person! in that relationship! Its actually making me feel quite drained and this is going to be my last effort to fix thing.. Half of me just feels like when I speak to him about it this, its just going to be the same as when I have spoke to him about it before... He will make some sort of an effort for a few days then it's like everything is forgotten and he can go back to his normal self. Am so confused we have been together for so long I would hate to just throw it all way.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 14:50

If his 'normal self' ie who he is and has every right to be is not making you happy, this is the wrong relationship and all this is immaterial.

Original poster
user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 14:51

He gave me doubts at the start of the relationship when he was trying to get back with his ex, I wanted to end it there and then but my family and friends kind of swaded my thoughts because they probably though he was better than the guy I was dating before and i ended up staying with him and now here we are..

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 14:52

Maybe what turns him on in private is something that he just cant carry over into real life. It happens and its common. If he cant meet you in the middle, perhaps this doesnt have legs. But you need to talk without accusation to establish that.

Original poster
user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 14:54

Well if I make the effort try and make this work then so should he right? If I wanted to be my normal self all the time then we wouldn't have a relationship because nobody would be making any efforts

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 14:56

That puts a different complexion on it doesnt it. If you cant be yourself and you dont like his normal self...is it even a relationship?

Underthemoonlight · 27/01/2017 14:59

I don't think porn is a big deal TBH it's not as if he's cheating on you. Personally I wouldn't be bothered if dh wants to masterbate to porn. I think it's what's behind the porn that is the issue, do you feel desired op does he spent time with you? It's having DC whilst still trying to find the time together especially if they are young.

Underthemoonlight · 27/01/2017 15:00

Do you love him op it sounds like you stayed with him because people encouraged you rather than your own feelings.

Original poster
user1485331687 · 27/01/2017 15:01

I have consider leaving him before something stops me maybe its my love for him I don't know, I wish he could just see how felt because if he could I don't think he would treat me this way he's a good person he just doesn't see the big picture, its like he lives in his own little bubble

OP posts: