Do you need to be adored?

[Temp]

I think I do.

I asked DH earlier if I was the centre of his universe (I just wanted to know the answer!!) and he said "Is this a test?" and look at me as if I was nuts. I wanted him to say "Of course you are..." (at the very least! ). He did say that actually, but the long wait with me standing there looking at him was more insulting than if he hadn't said it at all!

We have been married 10 years, through a few ups and downs but don't think our relationship is in too bad nick.. just that I want him to adore me.. is that unrealistic?

He says he loves me.. but I usually 'have' to tell him first. However I can't help but notice that I get the most attention when he is hoping for sex.. not that I make him go without or anything; on the contrary. He pretty much has it on tap. (Because I want to not because I feel I have to.) I wish he was more demonstrative; more touchy feely.. more inclined to hug me for no particular reason and a bit more given to making me feel important.

I suppose this should be in "am I being unreasonable" should it!

Anybody else?

Oh Lou he sounds lovely.. hang on to that tattoed arm tight!

Kama that last post of yours sums I pretty much how I'd like him to be. Thing is I do feel a bit unfair as he isn't uncaring and he does and has support(ed) me through difficult times. And maybe the 'centre of the universe' thing is a bit OTT; I don't want to be his only reason for living!

I suppose I feel like this in phases but maybe this recent phase stems from fact that the other day we were talking objectively about relationships which became (through me of course!) very subjective when I said 'Who is the most important person in the world to you?' (I set myself up for the answer I guess.. maybe I am a machochist! ). And he said "my dad... and then you and the kids together...". He went onto explain that since losing his mum suddenly last year he feels as if he has belatedly realised who we should treasure our parents. He must have doubted his answer though (probably from my face!) as he said "can you not see why I feel like that? Isn't that the way it should be?"

He misses him mum a lot; we all do and I love his dad too. But I wanted him to say I was the most important person to him. Is that unreasonable?

Maybe I am just too needy.

Meant your post of 18:13 Kama

I don't think I slagged you off, expat.

No. The one time I was 'adored' by someone I ran a mile. I do need to be loved, but to me that doesn?t mean being the centre of someone?s universe.

Also ? I don?t think any answer to that question could have given you what you were after. I love my dh very much, but when he asks me stuff like that (as he sometimes does) it just irritates me and my answer always ends up making him feel even more insecure (when there is no need for it).

Also, imagine the time and effort you'd have to put into adoring someone. I couldn't do it and ould not expect my dh too.

Actually wonder if it is possible to adore someone when you live together 24/7 and have done for years....what about the time when you want to punch them? Cause it always happens....

Hmm Northerner you could have a point. I'd like my DH to adore me but I sure don't adore him all the time. Food for thought there.

am inclined to agree with MI about the centre of the universe bit (although my narcissism does incline me to wish to be dh's sometimes...usually when i'm low).

however, love and adoration are different things, and I like both.

love is the solid rock underneath. adoration is the stuff that makes your eyes shine now and again.

both please. Love constantly, even when he is hating me. Adoration often enough to make us both feel precious and beautiful to each other (it is a two way street this adoring business you know!).

temp - if your dp recently lost his mum is there a lot of hurt there for him? Maybe it is hard to state you are the centre of his universe when his whole universe has been so horribly rocked.

Mine changes all the time - the centre of mine is my children and me, followed by my dp and then my parents and siblings. Is that so bad?

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Agree with sophable & expat - adoration full-time feels too full-on & dependent for me - a bit too Romeo & Juliet ...'these violent desires have violent ends' and all that.
Nice solid love with a sprinkling of occassional adoration does me fine.

Having said that, as per your later post, I'd be annoyed if I asked dh who was most important to him and it wasn;t with me or the kids (if he said the kids, I'd be totally happy wiht that) so can understand you're feeling a bit tender atm...

Adored, gosh no. I want him to adore the children. I want him to respect me and want to be my lover. That's perfect.

yes he is sweet

i cant hang onto him too much longer tho, he emigrates at the beginning of april

but better to have loved and lost etc

Just noticed would be good!

yes and luckily!!!!.......

no. absolutely not. just loved.

DH knows that I'm pretty much the centre of his world as I carry the whole bloody thing on my shoulders a lot of the time. He is constantly being told my his friends that I'm too good for him and that if we ever split up it'll be his fault whatever the cause Which is very flattering to me but probably a little irritating for him...But does he 'adore' me ?- no he doesn't. Would I like to be ? - perhaps although I'd feel a bit of a fool I suspect. Adoration sounds wonderful in principle. But I'd worry about how smelly my feet were if anyone was to bow down and kiss them .

There are times when I think it would be nice to be loved utterly, madly and unconditionally but I don't think you can expect that sort of thing from a long-term relationship where there are other values that are more important.

This thread is really useful, and I like expat's comments.

I'm in a relationship where I am loved but not adored and because I've traditionally been in relationships where I've been adored (well not in all cases of course!) I despair that the lack of adoration means that I am not loved, or not properly loved.

But I think expat's comments are spot on. She's right that sometimes the romantic ones don't walk the walk (though sometimes they do); and that sometimes the more reticent, less pathologically adoring type are pretty good about providing solid, lasting love.

And I like motherinferior's point, too.. .I think you need to feel OK in yourself. . .that it's probably a little dangerous to expect/need adoration from others.

Yes I NEED to be adored.
Yes I have low self esteem.
Yes partner thinks im a clingy nutter sometimes, but loves me nonetheless!

Don't need it but do like it!Not the centre of dp's universe though that would be odd but I know he adores me and vice versa and it does feel good.Although he is upstairs above my head atm doing drum stick practice and i FEEL LIKE KILLING HIM!

Adored no. Loved, respected, humoured, needed - yes. And it may sound like a small thing, but DH still finds me funny. Sometimes very funny.

Centre of the universe, more difficult. I don't want DH's life to revolve round me, but I do expect him to feel that I am necessary for his life to be complete. That's how I feel about him.

Adored? blimey, I'm happy if i'm liked!

Love is one thing, adoration is another. I would not like or expect to be adored. Surely this is the stuff of Mills and Boon, not real life. Would prefer to be liked and respected TBH

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