DH's problem with me...

[housewife2]

For a few months now DH has had a problem with me. Apparently I am not open enough/don't share feelings enough, and he feels this pushes him away.

So - he tells me that I don't share my feelings with him - I now make a really big effort to do so, and begin more sentences with "I feel..." so in case I was a bit rusty, I would teach myself to naturally share feelings better. He says he's not noticed me do this at all. He's still not happy and thinks I hide feelings.

deep breath

Next - you know all those times where you're worried about something silly, but you can't help thinking about it? DH might ask you what's wrong and you respond "oh it's nothing, don't worry" and life goes on - well I'm not allowed to say 'nothing's wrong' because it explodes into a fight about how I'm not open enough. So now every time he quizzes me, I tell him straight away, no matter how mundane or abstract my though was. However, I slip up occasionally and accidentally respond with "nothing" - cue an emotional meltdown from my DH because "YOU ALWAYS SAY "NOTHING'S WRONG" WHEN IT IS"

more deep breaths

I love this man to pieces but this growing...paranoia? is just a few more ridiculous fights away from me walking out of the door for my own health. I am beginning to feel permanently on edge when he's around.
Any advice out there?

Op, you cannot "help" him not be a controlling dick

Only he can do that

Have you told him you feel this way? Maybe the thing to do is to sit down and clearly express that you don't like having to verbalise everything, and that you feel pressured when he demands you do.

I know dh feels this way about me sometimes, I am not always the most expressive person, but we have talked about it and I have explained that that is just the level of communication of my 'inner life' (such as it is) that I am comfortable with, and that he needs to respect that. So he does, of course.

I don't think Anyfuckers post is helpful tbh. There could be all sorts of things going on in the relationship that could strain it. My partner opened up to me for the first time last year about how he felt for the past 10 years. You need to have a heart to heart with your bloke and find out what's bugging him. You might be able to help communication is key.

You could try relate for counselling. The initial assessment is very useful. It was at that point I realised my XH was controlling and emotionally abusive - only when somebody said it out loud to me. It would also be helpful for him to hear from a third party that this behaviour or not ok.

It sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong.

I felt anxious just reading that.....you can report my feelings back to your DH!

This behaviour is not ok ^

Henry...why would it be op's responsibility to "help" him not be controlling and manipulative ?

He might not be doing it intentionally Anyfucker I think there is more to it than that. When a person is stressed or depressed it makes a person do all sorts of weird things.

I do that sometime with my husband. Its hard when you notice subtle changes in how someone is behaving but when you as them why they wont tell you. With me its because im anxious, if i dont have all the detail i think bad things automatically. Id rather just be told straight up that hes stressed because of something stupid at work or hes just tired because if im not my anxiety goes into overdrive because what im seeing in his behaviour is contradicting what hes saying.
Obviously you dont have to pander to this if you dont want to but it could be an anxiety thing?
For me its quite difficult to control. Some times i am better than others and dont even ask but sometimes i need to know constantly. I dont do it on purpose or to be controlling.
Of course this may not be the reason why your husband is doing this.

Most abusers do not do it "intentionally"

It doesn't change the effect though

what feelings does he want you to share?

is he one of those that has no understanding that sometimes you come home from work, just sit quietly and don't want to talk, but don;t have any "feelings" to share and just need quiet decompression time?

if you asked me what I feel right now, I don't know...I've slept horribly all of this week, the dinner's in the oven so I'm alert for the timer. That's pretty much it.

Jeez OP - do you have special shoes for the eggshells you're treading on?

You have tried to share your feelings more to the point of spoonfeeding lines like 'I feel like.....' and its apparently not enough. You have tried to share your feelings more to the point of spoonfeeding lines like 'I feel like.....' and its apparently not enough.

It's like he has an immediate, insistent need to know what it on your mind at any given moment and the threat is he'll feel 'pushed away' if you don't give him 110% access at all times. Creepy and manipulative. You ARE allowed your own thoughts.

TGItsNotChristmasAnymore
Yes I'd agree that I am an internal thinker, always have been, I'm quite comfortable mulling things over quietly in my head. I acknowledge this made DH feel pushed out so I tried to share more and talk more openly about how I felt, even though it feels very unnatural for me. But it doesn't seem to have improved our situation.
There's only so much I can do, I can't change myself entirely.

God I'd find this exhausting. Sounds like classic bloody gaslighting to me - busy getting you to tie yourself up into knots over any imagined slight whilst quietly up to no good in the background.

I do think alot of the time some posters are quick to shout 'emotionally abusive' ' or controlling!' and often that may be the case but emotionally stonewalling is also traits of abusive behaviour and nobody is accusing the op (I'm not saying that's what you're doing btw op) I can imagine this situation is v upsetting for you too.
Basically there may be an underlying problem or what the op's dh expressing may hold some truth, yes alternatively he may just be a controlling arse but if we are going to post offering advice shouldn't we try and look at both sides (within reason obviously)

Not every man who has an unhappy wife posting on mn is an emotionally abusive bully.

does he know how you feel about this? have you tried telling him that you find his demands invasive and asking about why he needs such reassurance all the time? is it that he wont listen to that and demands that its only you with the problem?
Really it sounds like something you should meet halfway on. Youve tried to be more open now he should try and be less invasive.
I think different people have different standards as to how much they communicate and you have to respect and take into account someone elses way of communicating may not be the same as yours and they may find it difficult to embrace yours. He needs to do that now because you have done it for him by trying to be more talkative. You shouldnt have to change yourself entirely, it sounds like youve done plenty to try and help.

TGItsNotChristmasAnymore
Yes I'd agree that I am an internal thinker, always have been, I'm quite comfortable mulling things over quietly in my head. I acknowledge this made DH feel pushed out so I tried to share more and talk more openly about how I felt, even though it feels very unnatural for me. But it doesn't seem to have improved our situation.
There's only so much I can do, I can't change myself entirely.

Hey OP I'm the same as you, so is my DH. So we sort of frustrate each other sometimes. We both are introverted (I'm actually autistic) but at the same time want the other to talk so we both understand this and work on it.

Sorry op x post. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you dealing with things/thoughts how you deal with them, that's just who you are. But sometimes we do have to accept that what we are doing, even if there's nothing wrong with it, affects others.
It sounds like you've been doing this and that he just isn't seeing that so maybe counselling would help you both. Ultimately sometimes we just have to admit that we aren't compatible with someone, if your individual communication skills aren't working together then perhaps separation is the answer,no one should feel anxious and unhappy for something that isn't their fault you don't deserve to be put through that.

Counselling can be very helpful. Going out on a limb a bit here, but DH and I had similar issues with communication and it nearly ended our relationship. Neither of us were doing a good job of it and having someone mediate was very enlightening and made both of us reconsider how we approached stuff, especially as our family backgrounds are very different.

Honestly, OP, your posts make it very much sound like a gap in communication rather than an LTB-worthy thing. Please look into counselling for you both.

I'd be trying to figure out why the change. He sounds insecure, worried or guilty about something and is projecting. Like when you're worried you've upset someone and you keep asking if their ok - it's not about you - it's about them.

I do wonder if something else is going on that he hasn't told me about, ironically. Perhaps he doesn't know himself.

MrsBlennerhassett
It is like an anxiety I suppose. Sometimes, if he catches me zoned out (and I have a pretty glum resting face), he is worried about what's wrong and if it's him that's done something wrong and goes on the defensive before I've even had the chance to tell him anything.

He has no right to make you perform in this way, tell him to Back Off!!!!

I am only guessing that you don't work because of your name. Is he struggling with being the only person working in the house. Money worries is horrible I watched my parents go through it. My mum refused to work and watched my dad day in and day out slog his guts. He may want you to work to ease the pressure of him. He comes home to see you day dreaming. I am a SAHM at the moment and I have nothing to talk about and he might see that as strange. Especially if he has had an earful all day at work. Does any of this sound right Op?