DH's problem with me...

[housewife2]

For a few months now DH has had a problem with me. Apparently I am not open enough/don't share feelings enough, and he feels this pushes him away.

So - he tells me that I don't share my feelings with him - I now make a really big effort to do so, and begin more sentences with "I feel..." so in case I was a bit rusty, I would teach myself to naturally share feelings better. He says he's not noticed me do this at all. He's still not happy and thinks I hide feelings.

deep breath

Next - you know all those times where you're worried about something silly, but you can't help thinking about it? DH might ask you what's wrong and you respond "oh it's nothing, don't worry" and life goes on - well I'm not allowed to say 'nothing's wrong' because it explodes into a fight about how I'm not open enough. So now every time he quizzes me, I tell him straight away, no matter how mundane or abstract my though was. However, I slip up occasionally and accidentally respond with "nothing" - cue an emotional meltdown from my DH because "YOU ALWAYS SAY "NOTHING'S WRONG" WHEN IT IS"

more deep breaths

I love this man to pieces but this growing...paranoia? is just a few more ridiculous fights away from me walking out of the door for my own health. I am beginning to feel permanently on edge when he's around.
Any advice out there?

[TGItsNotChristmasAnymore]

Everyone deserves that, both men and women however we don't all have perfect marriages. Sometimes we unintentionally upset those we love it doesn't make us abusers.
That was my point.
The op, as suggested by pp who experienced something similar within her relationship, has decided to try counselling, I think that's a brave and sensible decision, it doesn't mean I would bend over backwards to encourage an abused woman to stay in a dangerous relationship.
I was just pointing that out.
Sometimes marriages encounter difficulties that need resolving it doesn't always mean one party is an abusive bully. To me it sounds like the op dh is feeling insecure and anxious and this may be being highlighted by how the op deals with issues. I'm not saying she is wrong, he is right, that she needs to change or that he has the right to make the op feel as she does. I'm simply saying it's not always about abuse and hopefully they can resolve their issues and find some happy, common ground.

[AnyFucker]

My husband never makes me "upset and confused"

He never tries to control my feelings nor to make me act in certain ways to satisfy him

I think all women deserve that

[TGItsNotChristmasAnymore]

I'm not sure I agree with your view about women being expected to stay and stick at it if they're being abused, I don't really see any evidence of that, maybe in isolated cases but I don't think that's society 's general view, but we're all entitled to our opinion.

I was simply pointing out that the op doesn't seem to be describing a pattern of abusive actions. She is explaining an issue between her and her dh surrounding communication styles that, if is an isolated matter, could probably, with commitment on both sides, be worked on. The op has stated she doesn't think or feel he is an abuser and that she is happy to give that commitment, surely in some cases that's the right thing to do and I personally commend that.
I understand at the moment she is upset and confused but that doesn't automatically make him an abusive bully.
I just think we should be less eager to shout emotional abuse, gaslighting and controlling when we actually don't have enough information (I mean real detail not just maybe previous personal experience) to base that assumption on.

[AnyFucker]

The thing is, TG, the over riding societal message is that women should stay, carry on eating shit and hang onto any relationship no matter the cost to their mental health

So there are plenty of messages urging her to stick with it, don't you worry about that

[TGItsNotChristmasAnymore]

Anyfucker I wouldn't tell any one in an abusive relationship to find a reason for it and stick at it, male or female.
I agree with you no nonsense approach to advice and in some posts it screams 'you need to get out' but I'm not sure that's the case here.
The op has explained behaviour that yes could display an abusive personally but she hasn't indicated any other corresponding traits.
I think it's right we suggest she considers that her husband is treating her in an abusive manner and that she may need to end her marriage but in some examples, as I believe may be the case in this scenario, isn't it also wise to present the op with other possibilities.
As some posters have stated they have experienced something similar and as there wasn't any other huge issues within their relationship, such as abusive red flags, have in fact successfully worked on these problems.
The op knows her dh, we don't, therefore we can only give advice based on the little we know and I just think that jumping in with he's an abusive arsehole LTB is not always helpful. On the other hand I would never advise anyone to remain in an unhappy mentally damaging relationship I'm just saying, as some others have said, that doesn't seem to be the case here and perhaps there are options to explore before this marriage needs to end.

[Naicehamshop]

To me he just sounds very controlling and quite aggressive.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

My initial feeling when reading the OP was what AF said. It is a contest of his feelings vs. your feelings and he is using this against you to make him feel better about himself at your expense. And what is this "satisfaction" that he seeks anyway? Those goalposts must be on ball bearing wheels to get moved around so much.

Why? I also feel it may be a tactic implied up thread...that he is hiding something of his behavior by throwing up a smokescreen about you/your thoughts/your facial expression (Christ On A Bike!). This will keep you focused on your behavior/walking on eggshells/building a wall around yourself so that you won't have time to think about him or what he might/might not be up to.

Do you ever ask him what he is thinking about? And then pester the daylights out of him until you are satisfied?

Do you ever get a sense that he feels entertained at winding you up?

And, sorry, but are you English? I'm a Yank, but I thought the English always hid their feelings...like, that'd be normal, wouldn't it?

[alafolie29]

Sorry that last post was in addition to my first post!

I think you're approaching this perfectly fine and his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

[alafolie29]

Ofc if he doesn't listen/contribute to that conversation then it's time for a rethink.

[housewife2]

Seeing everyone's different opinions/perspectives on here has been very helpful, thank you.
I don't believe he is abusive at the root - I think he just needs some help dealing with...whatever it is...if it is the need to control or if it is anxiety... so I'm going to give him the chance and find a counsellor.

[alafolie29]

Tbh I kind of feel sorry for him. I think the reason he hasn't noticed an improvement is because he's become so used to you withholding your feelings and it's such a big deal for him that he's almost looking for you doing it. What you need to do is have a clear conversation about what you each expect and what you are both doing about it. Then he should appreciate your effort more.

It's incredibly annoying when something is clearly up with someone but they withhold what it is. It's fine to not want to tell people but you have to make sure your face doesn't give you away. No sighing etc. I think it's natural to share with your partner so if you want a secret, at least do it properly.

[dudsville]

While it's right a person shouldn't decide major life decisions based on a mn majority, perspective seeking can be helpful. So maybe op doesn't just ltb right now but maybe gains perspective and starts to look at things more clearly. For me, this was one of the many traits my exh had. He was anxious and depressed and I tried to be v understanding and helpful. 10 years in i was a wreck. All the faults were mine, I had to do all the changing. It took me ages to work out where things had really gone wrong. And we did try counseling, and his behaviour didn't change. I left.

[PidgeyfinderGeneral]

AF, I usually 100% agree with you and think you are bang on the money and you may well be this time too. It's just that I was in a very very similar situation and counselling saved our marriage because we were both at such odds with communicating that we didn't see a way through it.

We now discuss problems in a much more rational way and it's saved us.

Yes, it could be that the OP's relationship is doomed but it sounds like it could be worth a go. IMHO of course.

[HorridHenryrule]

The op doesn't want to give up on her marriage and if talking about their relationship or seeking therapy helps. Then why tell her to give up. Not excusing his behaviour but there is obviously communication problems between them as a couple.

[AnyFucker]

God, some women will really bend over backwards to intellectualise abuse

It's frightening ..and no wonder it is so difficult to leave fucked up relationships when they are constantly told they have to try and find the reasons for it so they can put it right

[SaltySalt]

Your private thoughts are your private thoughts Op, no one has the right to demand that you verbalize them!

Couldn't agree more

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Christ on a bike - he'd be under the patio now. Next time he asks what you're thinking tell him 'How to commit the perfect murder'...

[Lorelei76]

oh - so he is going on at you when you are just zoned out?

this would drive me nuts. Is he one of those people who has to interact all the time? You need to talk to him about that. It isn't hiding your feelings when you're just zoning out.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

You sound like me. I never talk about my feelings and keep many thoughts to myself. It's the way I am. And I am not changing that. DH has vaguely mentioned it but he is probably worse so he can't say anything.

If he forced me to keep telling him every little thing, I'd go mad. My answer would probably be "you want to know what my thoughts are, you are pissing me right off now back the fuck off and leave me alone."

It sounds odd. I'd wonder exactly why he suddenly needed to know what you are thinking and feeling and would wonder if there was some sort of projection going on.

[Silentplikebath]

Next time he asks you what's wrong say you are wondering how much a therapist would cost to stop him asking. Better still, say you are wondering how much maintenance you would get if you divorce him due to his unreasonable behaviour (constantly asking you what's wrong).

Honestly, this is no way to live and you deserve better.

[HorridHenryrule]

Only going by your name but he might resent you for not working. Some men aren't going to tell you that. He wants to be seen as the man but he is struggling.

[Bluntness100]

Sounds like he's finding reasons to have a go at you, if he is not noticing any improvements you're making. Which means the improvements are not important to him, having a go at you is. He doesn't want you to fix it.

My guess would be there is something he is not articulating.

[AnyFucker]

Why dies you just being yourself bother him so much ?