On the brink of separation - am I mad?

[TheLuckyMrsPine]

So I had a thread in AIBU.

Basically over the last 7 years or so my husband has become increasingly volatile. It is always someone else's fault. I have always done the apologising just to keep things stable for the children and to avoid any big fall out.

Examples I can think of include calling me a slag for going out night before my DD2s 1st birthday. FWIW I am very conservative and didn't drink and was back before midnight.
He has made me feel ill saying that we haven't got the £ to pay for children's music lessons but then buying a £1200 watch.
Refusing to pick children up when my car broke down
There are a couple of times when he has gone hugely mental screaming and shouting at me.
We went away to a family wedding. He kicked our dogs shit in the rental cottage garden, I gave him a bag and said would be better if he picked it up as they would be playing there. He had a huge meltdown which he continued in public, in front of DDs and before the ceremony the next day. I was so distraught none of us turned up to the ceremony and my dad, who had come down with us and paid for the cottage ended up going alone and walking 3 miles back to the cottage. To find my husband playing super dad and drinking all his wine!

He never arranges or offers to help with anything to do with the girls during the week. Sometimes they need to be in different places at different times (different schools). He would be unaware when they are performing, when parents evening is etc yet receives all the same communication as me. He even expects me to tell him when his haircut appointment that he made at a salon I don't go to is! He doesn't write it on the calendar!

2 years ago following my mothers death, DH decided to redevelop my fathers home into a 4 bed with 2 bed annexe. I raised reservations as DH can get jealous of my friendship with my dad and how much they love him. DH adamant he wanted this.

I went back to work 15 months ago full time but had to drastically reduce my hours as no help with washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc etc.

My dad kindly does the school run and cooks on the 2 days I am out the house.

Yesterday I was due my annual appraisal. Last chance to get it done before deadline. Typically DD1 who is 12 had a temperature. I arranged for my dad to sit with her whilst I went to do appraisal - then I would be back, 3 hours max. DH went crazy, saying that my job was not important, that a parent should be at home etc. I was furious that he would say that. Of course in the past I have taken days off to look after them but it was not necessary for yesterday. We left on not speaking terms.

In the evening he came in obviously expecting everything to be ok. As I was clearly still annoyed he sat in silence through dinner, the started slamming dishes around. He then said that I hadn't "learnt" anything from the doomed wedding trip, smashed a glass and left.

Today he has said that he is the victim as he tries to please everyone (I honestly don't see this) and he is sick of my dad being around. I don't know what I can do about this. My dad does help me two days a week as no one else can and DH won't pay for wraparound school. He also often eats with us but then goes. Don't spend time with him at weekend at all.

For context my job pays small amount a month, I pay for the running costs of the main family car, pay for any dog related things, children's phone, pocket money etc. My dad does pay one set of school fees - this was left as part of my mothers will though with express directions.

If I ever ask for help around the house he says that whatever he does won't be good enough, or he'll do it later or that he does. He doesn't! He has not done a food shop or cooked in over 10 years. I get no support with my "unimportant" job but have to be a sounding board for his stressful job

I think I am done. I can't do it anymore my self esteem and self belief is so low I often wonder if it is me that is the problem.

Would I get tax credits etc to help me out as I live sort of with my dad (essentially one dwelling). The house is owned by all three of us. How would all that work?

I understand your comment re being a great dad to the dc's.
This is why it's so confusing.My stbxh was lovely, calm and attentive to dc's.It was only me he had an issue with, therefore it's hard to not blame yourself or adjust your behaviour.
There was however one incident where I asked stbxh a question and he blew up with me, a few minutes late dc walked into room and asked the exact same question.They got a completely different response..It finally clicked..It was not me, what or how I asked.He was choosing his response and for whatever complex (probadly misogynist) reasons I was not viewed as someone he needed to be kind to.

The unpredictability is also a factor.When I spoke to friends they would often admit to getting angry with their partners at times so perhaps I was unreasonable.One male friend told me he got angry at his wife if she tidied up his work area..they compromised by agreeing the level of mess.He however didnt blow up to scary levels and secondly worked to get a compromise.He didn't want her upset.

This never happened for me, stbxh blew up over incidents that I couldn't predict and he wasn't bothered if I remained frightened afterwards.

No better advice to offer than that which is already here but wanted to add a 'no, you're not mad' to the weight of opinions. Sometimes it takes hearing it from strangers to realise how badly someone is behaving. You deserve a happier life than this, and your DC deserve a healthier relationship pattern to follow.

So DH returned last night. Of course told me that he behaves the way he does because of x,y,z. Said hat it's normal to fight and if my dad hadn't witnessed it it wouldn't have turned in to a big deal. When I refused to back down he eventually said he was sorry, said it is because my dad is around at dinner times. It is true that he eats with us a lot.

My dad and I discussed this. I think he saw it for what it was. About control. He has said he doesn't want to ever witness this again and feel uncomfortable in his own home. He wants to sell and everyone to go their seperate ways.
This makes me so unhappy.

DH said I should never have told my dad that he wanted to eat without him. I pointed out that he said that is why he behaved in that manner so to stop it from happening again surely it had to happen?

My father then just came in and confronted my DH about everything. My DH just won't accept that his behaviour about various things is wrong. He just thinks we have discussed it together and ganged up on him. I had NO IDEA my dad was going to confront him or press him on his behaviour.

DH thinks it's good things are in the open and that we have discussed it altogether. My dad clearly thinks he's crazy - I don't think he's wrong.

I can't bear to even look at him. I simply don't want to do anything. I don't want to be here tomorrow. I don't want to sell my home. But I can't bear the thought of bringing my daughters worlds crashing down. He would turn them against me.

Thank you to all of you for all of your kind words. Especially hermione who has such a similar tale.

I was hoping to have time to get copies of bank statements, take advice etc. He told me there was no point being on this planet if he didn't have me.

I just feel so much pain. I love my dad and can't bear for him to have been put in this position too.

So he has started on the emotional black mail already!!! Implying he will commit suicide, wait until he says it more overtly.

In the end it will be fine you, your DC and your Dad will be so much better and happier with your H no longer in your lives.

Please get some legal advice about dividing the house, as you are all co-owners and not owned together long I'm sure your Dad will be able to retain a greater share than a third. Perhaps there could even be a mesher order on it so it doesn't have to be sold until the DC are 18 to release H's share.

You have to move on from this relationship op. He is making your life a nightmare, not to mention what he is doing to your df and dcs. Doesn't it say a lot that your father felt that he had to speak out about behaviour in his own home? Don't make him do it again.

Put yourself and your children (and dad) first. Your monumentally selfish and difficult dh will only drag you all down with him.

Speak to your Dad today. Would you and him have enough money to buy your DH out? Surely that is the best solution and you and your dad would happily continue living in the house with your children?

Are both DCs in private school, is there a good state option alternative in case your DH refuses to pay?

Get as much admin done as possible today, take phone pics of bank statements, pensions (important!!), make sure you have the children's passports.

"He told me there was no point being on this planet if he didn't have me."

Aw poor baby. I could point out that the reason he says can't go on living is because it means he won't have anyone to abuse and it really is a fucking pain in the arse to have to go out there and be nice for a bit in order to trap some other poor woman. But deep down you know that right?

In your situation you need all your papers in order, which hopefully can be stashed somewhere safe [at your dad's?]. Then go and see a divorce lawyer, and in the meantime, if he kicks off in an abusive manner call the police. And don't fall for the next steps which are the emotional blackmail, threats, tears, suicidal tendencies. He has had many years to be a nice husband and you have already put up with far too much. Abusive men often rely on the threat that they will turn the kids against the mother to keep the mother coming back for more. Whereas what the kids actually want is a nice life. Which they aren't actually getting with all this going on around them.

And if he says he will commit suicide, tell him to crack on, and if he tells you he has taken pills, don't go running, just call him an ambulance.

It is all attention seeking behaviour, don't plum for it.

Your DH is abusive.
He also has created a situation where he will be very hard to kick out off. Because him going would mean you and your dad buying him out of 1/3....

And still I would leave him. Wo a doubt. Both for yourself and for your dad and for the dcs.
You won't be worse off wo him. He does nothing but giving you work and stress.

Btw if there was no point for him to be on this planet wo yu, the. Why on earth is he not supporting you?
Why does he think its ok to insult you, scream put you down?

If you were that important to him, he wouldn't do any of that.

Don't believe him!

I wish so much that you could get angry OP, and stop being so passive and enabling this man to make yours, your dad's and your children's lives so miserable.

I think your H doesn't like the attention your dad receives and he's doesnt feel like the Alpha male in the house.He's likely to not have the skills or emotional insight so his default is anger/emotional blackmail.

I'm so sorry you are in the situation as it could have been a wonderful setup for everyone if your H had been able to explain and handle his emotional responses positively.
Your dad's response to want to leave is natural as he can't imagine it will get better but if he felt it would be resolved would he be happy to stay?

Would your H be open to coaching to help him manage his emotional reactivity? It might be a potential way forward.

I just say this as someone further down the line as knowing you have tried everything is important to help you move on with your life.
My dc's and I are happy in a peaceful house as I think children do pick up on the negative atmosphere.

There are so many good things to build on. Your wonderful dad has got your back, you have a job. You can build an escape plan in these foundations. Your DDs will be fine. You will get through. I wish you luck and courage.

*in = on

hermione I suggested the counselling but he says that having blow ups like that is normal. He says I'm overreacting to a "normal" argument and that it's because I'm "emotionally sensitive".
He said if he saw a counsellor then they would simply reinforce that his behaviour is normal.
I told him I'm just not prepared to put up with it all anymore and I'm unhappy in our marriage. I told him that external things make him angry, things that I can do nothing about and are nothing to do with me it's unacceptable for me to take the brunt of any frustration.
He constantly refers back to things I may have said in the past. I admitted I have called him some unacceptable names but this has happened very infrequently and never in the past 2 years. I didn't say that I have said these things after being provoked, when I felt like i was going crazy and would be better off dead as this would encourage him to say I was the abuser. Looking back it was clearly gas lighting.
He just thinks people row and I should get over it. He has apologised but it's clear he still believes that his behaviour is caused by other people and is justified.

I am going to try and hang on for a few months whilst I make arrangements in the back ground. We are having a restructure at work so going to try and get more hours - I only do 15 currently so will try and get a pay rise and an increase in these. Am going to start digging out all pension paperwork, house stuff and salary stuff and get online access to the joint bank account and print statements. I'm going to get some legal advice about the house and what I would be entitled to. Worst case scenario is that there are a couple of really good state schools the girls could try and get in to, for one of them this is a year away for the other it is 3.

It doesn't actually matter what he thinks and believes, if it's unacceptable to you then it's unacceptable

He says I emotionally abuse him. I have called him a twt before now but really only when I am in tears over some huge row. He typically "gaslights" in my opinion. Pushes until I break and then says I'm crazy or overreacting.*

wow. It's "lovely" when the emotional abuser starts blaming their victim for things they do themselves... Classy.

Sounds like you might find many familiar patterns on this list of coercive control by UK gov: www.cps.gov.uk/legal/a_to_c/controlling_or_coercive_behaviour/

I hope you have the courage to exit this situation soon. Best of luck.

he says that having blow ups like that is normal

No, it isn't.

And even if it was (which it isn't ), 'normal' doesn't justify anything.

You get to decide what you do and don't put up with.

His behaviour sounds unputwithable.

I understand what you are saying, op, but I would try to get rid of this abusive bully sooner rather than later. He must be having an awful effect on you, your children and your father.

Wow what a nasty man.
Does he have any redeeming features.?

Your dad sounds lovely

Do you both pay for the fees for your other child? If you choose to separate he might find a way to hit you hard by pulling out on the fees for your other child.

Not that that is a reason to not divorce (he sounds like an utter twat) but he could
Do this so you may need a plan.

Is relate possible or do you feel it's too late?