Dh doesn't want to get a phone

[MothersRuinart]

My issue is that dh doesn't want to get a mobile phone as he doesn't like the idea of being contactable at all times. He used to have one for many years when we were younger. Then he had one sporadically until his phone broke and for the past couple of years he's refused to get a new one. All the old ones are broken. I've offered to get him one and he's inherited my old smartphone which he uses only as an alarm clock. I would prefer him to have a phone, for emergencies with ds or just for general stuff like if we're out of nappies I could ask him to get some on his way etc. I've told him this, offered to buy one, pay for it or have payg sim. I've told him that he doesn't need to give his number to anyone else,but it would make our / my life easier knowing we would be easily reached when needed. What, if anything, can I do to change his mind? Anyone else been in a similar situation? Fwiw, he had couple of bad experiences of work contacting him all the time on his days off and holidays but that was some years ago now. His current work place would probably end up doing the same but he wouldn't need to give his number to them at all.

I have zero sympathy for the attitude that we didn't have phones before so why can't we manage without them now. We also tended to work fewer hours and had to spend a lot more time organising and planning because, for example, if you were at home and realised you'd run out of nappies you had no way to contact your DH to ask him to bring some back.

If he feels SOOO strongly about it, I'd agree with a pp - ask him to get a pager for which only you have the details. Then you can communicate, just the two of you, as necessary during the day.

It's also that we're in a situation where we don't have much help at all so if I can't reach dh,there is nobody else I could ask for help either so that adds to my desire for him to be contactable. I won't force him but wish we could find a compromise.

I don't see why you should have to force him, I think that is enough and a good enough reason that he needs to be contactable.

There are lots of people who would rather not have a mobile phone. There are lots of people who would rather not do lots of things. All for very good reasons.

This is a man with responsibilities, the sole source of additional support for his wife who he has a young child with. He NEEDS to be contactable. For her and for her only if he wishes.

I honestly don't think you should need to do all this tip-toeing and compromising. When your DC are older and more self-sufficient and you don't feel you need this assurance anymore, he can get rid of his phone. For now, you need him to have it.

Emergencies don't always happen at lunchtimes or as he leaves work or whilst he's near a payphone.

When one of you is at home with the young child, unable to nip out anywhere, and the other one is due to return from work in the evening, calling or texting them to ask them to pick something up you forgot is standard practice surely. Not an annoying errand!

Oh wow! I'd love to be non contactable. Unfortunately I'm a parent so that's not an option. What sort of parenting school did he graduate from that gets you out of that? Did he do extra credit work or something?

broody, I get that some shopping etc is an emergency but if the OP is to persuade him to carry the thing he is already feeling (potentially) hard done to and digging his heels in.

He just won't do it if he is asked to just 'pick up' lots of things from the shops on a regular basis and he finds this a big inconvenience. Let him get used to the phone first, see the benefits himself before it means he is pulling any extra weight.

This is just playing the long game...(I know lots of stubborn people but have managed to get them to be more reasonable, in time, myself).

Rock you're probably right - this might ensure he 'embraces' the phone. But TheForce is right as well.

It's his responsibility as a parent! A manchild needs to be tricked into doing something they should do anyway.

This reminds me of this documentary I watched years ago, which actually said if you treat men like a dog and train them in similar ways with trickery and rewards and head pats, you could get them to do anything you want. NO!!

broody, I'm not talking about 'training'. However if a change of heart is not evident anytime soon through just talking it over sometimes it pays to be more pragmatic.

Some people need to be convinced experientially that their fears are unfounded. It sounds like OP's husband, rightly or wrongly, has a fear of being exploited and the mobile phone will make him more vulnerable to this. So if his experience does not match this suspicion it will become clear that this is not the case.

The OP can tackle conversations regarding his responsibilities completely separately, if she wants to.

He probably has one he doesn't tell you about, my uncle did this so he could stay late at the pub without my auntie ringing him to come home

It sounds like OP's husband, rightly or wrongly, has a fear of being exploited and the mobile phone will make him more vulnerable to this. So if his experience does not match this suspicion it will become clear that this is not the case.

A fear of being exploited?
It's just a mobile phone. He can turn it off when he gets home from work and doesn't even have to give the number out to anyone else.

Picking up nappies on the way home isn't exploitation either. It might be annoying, but it's being part of a parenting team. Why should he get to switch off and absolve responsibility until he gets home of an evening?

If he does have a fear of exploitation, he needs to be told to get over himself.

I would worry if you think your planning and communication skills would be solved with a mobile phone. As long as you would be happy to acquiesce to do things you dont want to do if he tells you to then keep asking I suppose.

Pagers are worth a try as responding to them is optional but they convey messages. Or something like a Peek Pronto Mobile Messaging Device. No calls but can do texts.

broody, I'm not saying the fear is justified however many people's have irrational fears that aren't justified. Sadly, just telling someone to 'get over' their fears does not always work. So support, to help them through, comes in other guises.

Sorry I'd respect his wishes on this if (and it's a definite if) you can contact him while at work by calling a work number. Then theoretically the only time midweek you can't contact him is during his travel time which isn't too bad really... if he was driving obviously he wouldn't be able to read text messages etc.
Ok, I may be clutching at straws here but I find it quite refreshing that someone in this day and age doesn't want a mobile, I'd love to give up my technology addiction!

I do agree with that rock when it comes to fears. And I don't generally advocate expecting people to acquiesce to do things you want them to do as scottishdiem says.

I just think in this instance, calling it a fear he needs to be helped through is going too far.

People with the responsibility of a young family do things they don't want to do all the time.

I think you should get over your fear pretty quickly when your partner says "this would really help me out, make life easier for us, mean I can contact you in an emergency as you are the only source of support nearby, and generally ease the frustration I feel and burden on me to sort everything out everyday because you are unavailable."

broody of course he should get over his fear pretty quickly but he doesn't appear to be doing this, does he? So what is the OP to do if she does not want to LTB?

broody of course he should get over his fear pretty quickly but he doesn't appear to be doing this, does he? So what is the OP to do if she does not want to LTB?

Well obviously not at this juncture, but OP has written this post after trying to persuade him to use the phone by offering to buy him one etc. She's getting lots of people saying he has every right to not have a phone and other people suggesting ways to ease him into having a mobile phone gently so as not to scare him.

I don't think any of this is necessary.
He should be told why she needs him to have it, how by being out of contact he is shirking responsibility and adding worry and pressure on to her in a way that isn't equal and fair.

If after that he still won't listen and digs his heals in, or doesn't offer an alternative himself (such as a pager he has found to ensure he can be reached by his family when needed) then it shows he's not willing to compromise or support HER and he's not taking her concerns seriously which is a bigger problem then a just a mobile phone. IMO

"this would really help me out, make life easier for us, mean I can contact you in an emergency as you are the only source of support nearby, and generally ease the frustration I feel and burden on me to sort everything out everyday because you are unavailable."

Problem is that from what OP has said its a planning issue - more nappies needed. And some kind of communication issue on holiday with inlaws. If he is contactable at work and contactable in the home then surely that eases whatever burdens that a text would solve. Society hasnt moved on since the creation of texts. There are people entering adulthood now whose parents would not have had phones when they were born.

shirking responsibility and adding worry and pressure on to her in a way that isn't equal and fair.

Being contactable 24/7 is now a required thing now is it to be a 'responsible parent'? How did we cope just generation ago? Where is the actual worry coming from? Not the convenience but the worry? How do people cope with areas that don't have mobile signal strength? Or rail commuters who lose signal for half their journey? Or office buildings where the signal dies on certain levels? Are we going to get to the stage where people are deemed irresponsible when the got to a place without a phone signal?

I have a mobile phone but I quite often don't have it on me. In a proper emergency dh/dc know where I am and will find a way to contact me, through work, a pa announcement in tesco etc. If it's not a real emergency they can manage without me for a bit.

I think the way people always ha e phones means we rely on them too much - leaving us vulnerable in situations where the phone I'd lost/nit working. E.g If it's wasn't so wast to get dh to bring home by nappies, you'd make sure you didn't run out. If you wouldnt be able to contact friends when you're all on the way to a meet up, you'd make sure the arrangements were clear ahead of time.

My dad never had a mobile phone and it was so frustrating! That is until 2 years ago, when we had a very sudden very heavy snowfall. My dad was in the city centre he doesn't drive so noticing weather getting worse he went to get the bus, no buses running. He decided to walk about 20/30 minutes to my mums work, only they'd let everyone go. He finds a shop that has a pay phone not knowing any of our mobile numbers he phones the house phone thinking I'd be in and phone my mum for him. Only I'm in the shower, so don't hear it and my mums still on her way home. Mum arrives 40 minutes later, no dad! Check house phone and find his message. He arrived home two hours later having walked the whole way!!

Next day he asked me if I had a old phone I didn't use!

I'm struggling to get past the idea that a grown man could be so overcome with fear of having a mobile phone that he could absolve himself of doing his bit to parent his own child.

One wonders how those with sensory impairments and don't use mobiles cope with people believing that they had managed absolve themselves of doing their bit to parent their own children....

What happens if school or nursery need to contact him about child being ill and need collecting?

If he doesn't want a phone why should he? It's not to make his life easier, it's to make your life easier! I assume you/school etc can contact him at work? Leave him in peace

I can't imagine not having a mobile phone. When the DC were younger, I remember having to get DH to pick them from the childminder or after school club if I was stuck in traffic.

I think the only time he'll get one, is if/when something serious happens to you or your DC and he was uncontactable. Or if he runs into trouble himself, that would have been avoided if he had a mobile phone.

Apart from that, I would suggest you try and organise your supplies , so you don't have to ask him for anything on his way home.

Can I ask if he ever calls you on your mobile for things?

There was a school mum who didnt have a mobile and she'd go to the school office in the morning, telling them her days agenda and who's house to contact her in, just in case the DC were ill. So annoying.

If it was my DH, I'd create a number of scenarios over a period of time that he misses out on and that he wouldn't have missed out, if he had a mobile phone.

For example ...

"Someone at work had two tickets going cheap to see [insert his football team] playing, but I couldn't get hold of you to see if you were interested. Never mind, they're gone now".

My DH would be getting a phone the next day.

I'm a bit of a mobile phone hater. My husband got me a lovely one for Xmas this year after two years of me not carrying one at all and I love it, but he is the only person with the number (I bloody hate random people ringing me). Before that I got by with facebook instant messaging (much less intrusive) as I have an Ipad that I take everywhere. But now I have a phone I find myself staring at it all the time, like all the other phone zombies, so I don't blame your husband really. But carrying a phone isn't and shouldn't be compulsory, I'm too old to be comfortable with the concept of being at everyone's instant beck and call.

What about suggesting you'd feel more at peace if he had a phone, in case his car broke down and needed help?