OH family disowned my daughter

[user1485253407]

Hello, was just wondering if anybody has been or is in this situation and Looking for some advice.

Basically I have been with my Partner for 4 years now and have a 2 year old child together. Before being with me, my husband was divorced from a 15 year marriage with two kids by his ex wife.
My Partners family are very close to her, they basically love her, and have disowned me and my daughter because of her and this frustrates me, as my daughter is innocent.
Yesterday I got angry with the situation and decided to call them.
this was clearly a mistake as he's father could not even remember my daughters name which infuriated me more, they believe me and my partner should make the effort with them, contact them, go to see them, but they have never once tried to have a relationship with my daughter. it was her birthday last week and nothing from my partners whole family.

Do I stay with my partner and see if things change, should I end it with my partner because the stress of his family causes problems between us, as he always defends them whenever i bring up the conversation, or should I stay with my partner and completely cut his family out of my daughters life, and move on and forget them as they are clearly set in their way and don't believe they are doing anything wrong by disregarding their granddaughter, but still have great relationships with all their other grandchildren?

should i just accept the fact nothing is going to change, or do i keep going on at my OH hoping that things will change. don't want to keep going round in circles with him or falling out over it all, but it does play on mind, especially when he goes out every morning to see his kids etc, i feel like me and my daughter are pushed out, or forgotten, as we are in Dubai and i don't know a lot of people here, and i have no family here myself.

Relationships take time and effort. joint activities. Seeing each other. You can't just bring a new partner into their lives and expect them to love you!

If you do decide to split up with him, I'd make sure you're back in the uk if that's where you want to live otherwise he may block you returning.

I don't understand his attitude at all. Im baffled by the whole situation actually. Is your partner particularly submissive? Is his ex wife an exceptionally strong character or something, who is still pulling his strings from afar?

Perhaps a short trip home to your family in the U.K. Will give you some perspective. Are your family supportive?

OP were you the OW in the break up of his marriage? The timings don't seem right but it very much sounds as if his parents are regarding you as his mistress and your child as an unfortunate secret. Even if you weren't on the scene when he divorced it still seems that's how they regard the situation.

Or, has the ex wife possibly threatened to cut them off if they form a relationship with you or your dd?

I'd be more annoyed by the fact that your dh has made no effort to get a relationship going between yourself and his DC and of course their half sibling. You have step children ( or non married equivalent) you seem to barely know. Can you try to facilitate this? It may take ages but the older DC are likely to be interested and then grow to love a little sister.

Forget the parents for now. They won't change. Your dp needs to get his own DC together and maybe you need to compromise and make an effort, too to gain the extended family you crave.

Leaving seems a bit extreme unless there is more we don't know?

My ILs are like this - ex wife can do no wrong. No contact with them for years now, but its their loss. If they would rather play happy families with grandkids that aren't blood related, and ignore the ones that are, then we're better off without them

Is that a dig at step children, adopted children or donor-conceived children whywontthey?

I don't mean to be rude but does your OH come from a culture where his family might not recognize you and your child as a legitimate partner or child?

Also you do know that it is illegal to live with a man in Dubai unless you are married - I do know people who have gone to jail/get deported if the police find out?

It does sound as if your OH is the one reluctant to form relationships with his his family and as a mother of one of his children i would be extremely concerned about that. And Dubai is not the place you want to be if things go tits up.

Sorry if you know all that already.

I think that sometimes even with the best will in the world you cannot make choices that others have no part in then expect them to do so.

What they are doing is wrong but some people do not respond well to being told x is familŷ then a few years down the line that x is not familŷ but y is.

I thought it was the EXW who lived in Dubai?

OP you keep saying it's fine and you don't mind etc but you're clearly seething. It's seeping out between your words.

Starting by being honest with yourself about how hurt and angry you (understandably) are would be a good idea.

donners

I didn't know that and it sounds scary. I thought the parents lived in the U.K. And ex wife in Dubai. I'm writing on an assumption that ops partner is British. Is this not correct?

sorry i thought op lived in UK and Dubai and that was when OH takes his children to school? Maybe i read it wrong.

And i just queried the religion/culture because i cannot imagine most GP not even knowing the name of the GC whether they wanted to have anything to do with them or not.

It strikes me of the sort of behaviour of some other cultures where they may dismiss a 'GF' even one with a baby and still have respect for the wife?

Oh takes his children to school when they're in Dubai. Gps live in Lake District. But you could still be correct about culture as we don't know anything more than this.

that was when OH takes his children to school?

Yes good point. "EXW lives in Dubai" is strange phrasing then

Why are you not more concerned that your partner has no desire for his children to all form a bond and a relationship? He takes the older kids to school but they never interact with their toddler half sister?

But it's the inlaws living half way across the world to you back in UK that's the problem?

The hell?

I could have written this by Upside Down:
"My father's whole side of the family entirely cut me and my siblings off when he and my mother divorced and he couldn't be arsed to be our father any more. As far as I'm concerned people like that aren't worth the effort and the anger, regardless of them technically being 'family'. I genuinely see it as their loss. I'm a nice person"

Same happened to me and my sisters, I last saw them when I was 13. It blew my mind growing up, how easily my grandparents let me slip away, like I had never happened.

FUCK THEM, OP. People who will make you and your daughter feel like nothing deserve nothing. You go no contact, you don't have to have a confrontation, just don't be around. You deserve a husband who will support you, but sometimes people who have been raised by parents like these don't see that this behaviour is not normal. You do what you need to do. You can make up your mind about your husband later. Your first responsibility is not letting anyone hurt your daughter.

OP were you the OW in the break up of his marriage?

^^^This hasn't been clearly answered by the OP.

Your DP is the main problem here. How is he happy not facilitating a relationship between his children? That doesn't make sense at all.

Why wouldn't his children have asked to meet their little sister?
You have a conflict avoidant man there.

Something about the whole situation doesn't add up and I think we might be missing some info.

Tell your dp to grow some balls. His children (yours and his from ex) need to have a relationship with each other even if it's only when you are in Dubai. He needs to sort that before your daughter starts asking why daddy is taking other children to school.
He also needs to tell his family to respect his partner and child.
He's playing you, his family aren't the problem.

I don't get how this affects you so much as they can't be in your everyday life if you live the other side of the world. Even when you are in the uk they are not near, is that right?

Yes they could have sent a birthday card but I'm not sure how much more they can do under the circumstances apart from visit you in Dubai.

What sounds really odd is your partner taking his teenage children to school (do a 14 and 17 year old need to be walked to school?) as in he is seeing them every day but they are not in contact with the child he actually lives with. Have you actually met them?

I don't really get the set up sorry with you in Dubai but not married but that is separate from your relationship with the in laws.

While it is hurtful, If you had nothing to do with them ever again, I can't see it would make much difference to anything.

Correction, the children are 16 and 17.

I don't think I could be with a man who let his parents completely ignore his child, whilst having a relationship with them himself.

You say he defends his parents, but does he have a relationship with them?

If he doesn't see his parents then he has effectively chosen you and your DD.

If he does see his parents and then he has accepted that they treat his daughter like a stranger, which is unacceptable.

It's a bit confusing, I've read it as the OP and her partner and child live in Dubai for some of the year but also have a house in the UK. The grandparents live in the U.K. and the EXW also lives in Dubai with the step children.