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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH family disowned my daughter

72 replies

user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 11:02

Hello, was just wondering if anybody has been or is in this situation and Looking for some advice.

Basically I have been with my Partner for 4 years now and have a 2 year old child together. Before being with me, my husband was divorced from a 15 year marriage with two kids by his ex wife.
My Partners family are very close to her, they basically love her, and have disowned me and my daughter because of her and this frustrates me, as my daughter is innocent.
Yesterday I got angry with the situation and decided to call them. Blush
this was clearly a mistake as he's father could not even remember my daughters name which infuriated me more, they believe me and my partner should make the effort with them, contact them, go to see them, but they have never once tried to have a relationship with my daughter. it was her birthday last week and nothing from my partners whole family.

Do I stay with my partner and see if things change, should I end it with my partner because the stress of his family causes problems between us, as he always defends them whenever i bring up the conversation, or should I stay with my partner and completely cut his family out of my daughters life, and move on and forget them as they are clearly set in their way and don't believe they are doing anything wrong by disregarding their granddaughter, but still have great relationships with all their other grandchildren?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 12:38

ok very true everyone thank you for the good advise, I mean i don't sit here thinking about it constantly but as things such as xmas or birthdays, the fact they can't even write 5 words in a card etc or drop a little message to ask how she is just proves to me they don't care.

and yes (Peanutbutterrules) your situation is the same, and I agree, the best thing to do is give up and sod it. you cannot force anyone to be interested if their not. some people are stuck in the past, Im happy they think his ex wife is great and they are all best friends, and if they want to chose to only have a relationship with her, and their kids they had when they were together, and completely ignore us then FINE!

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Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 12:41

His children from previous relationship are 17 and 16, not even babies, I don't really see them tbh, and my daughter doesn't know them either, my OH has never made a conscious effort for our daughter to have a relationship with any of his family, although he drops them to school every morning, and takes the dog rather then our daughter. lol :(

OP posts:
Somerville · 24/01/2017 12:46

He drops them at school ever morning in Dubai? Confused

Headofthehive55 · 24/01/2017 12:46

They are not stuck in the past, those grandchildren are very current. It's sad that they aren't interested in you and your DD, but that might have happened anyway. I doubt it's specifically to do with you. Some people find it much more difficult to make new relationships, and feel they are somehow being disloyal if they do.

It's surprising what people do and expect.

inniu · 24/01/2017 12:49

Is your OH a pilot dropping them to school in Dubai?

Maybe worry more about your daughters lack of contact with her siblings. They might be a bigger gap on her family tree that her grandparents

Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 12:50

yes we have a home in Dubai and UK so when were are here working, he sees them everyday and drops them too school.

yes I'm not saying they stuck in past over their grandchildren, I mean they can't seem to accept that my OH and his ex wife broke up, which i understand as they were all really close, So I guess I just have to accept they cannot have a relationship with my Daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 12:52

yes that upsets me too that My daughter and her dads children also don't have a relationship, especially when they grow up to have children of their own, or any other major life events that I would also like to be apart of. but It has been 4 and half years now, only see the situation never changing or getting worse

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Somerville · 24/01/2017 12:55

You're not seeing the wood for the trees here, OP. The biggest issue is that your child's father doesn't facilitate any kind of relationship with any part of his family.
Has he explained why? That's the key here, not the grandparent's lack of interest - sounds like they are just following his lead.

user1484317265 · 24/01/2017 12:56

Why are you mad at the grandparents when its your partner who is making no effort to facilitate relationships?

Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 12:58

i have tried to ask him many many times, but he would rather not speak to his parents at all then try to build a relationship and when it comes to his children, he will say they busy with friends, or that Its down to me to have a relationship with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 12:59

I just don't know what to do. do I continue like this do nothing and nothing will change? I cannot force my partner to take his children out together no matter how many times i suggest they go for dinner together etc, Im not even bothered if I'm the reason, I just want my daughter to have a relationship most importantly with her fathers family.

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Somerville · 24/01/2017 13:01

Well he's clearly fobbing you off.

And that's your issue; not his parents. As I said before, they're just following his lead.

Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 13:03

ok so there is no solution to this and nothing is ever going to change

OP posts:
user1484317265 · 24/01/2017 13:03

I just want my daughter to have a relationship most importantly with her fathers family

But her father doesn't seem to want that. I would be asking what he has been saying about you to his parents, after all if they are perfectly lovely grandparents to the others and inlaws to the ex and others, why are they different with you?
Seems like there must be a particular reason, don't you think?

temporarilyjerry · 24/01/2017 13:04

Do I stay with my partner and see if things change, should I end it with my partner because the stress of his family causes problems between us or should I stay with my partner and completely cut his family out of my daughters life, and move on and forget them?

If you are otherwise happy with your DP, I would go with the last option. Your DD will not miss what she has never had. Does she have a close relationship with your DParents? You cannot change your PIL.

BarbarianMum · 24/01/2017 13:05

Well in that case why are you blaming his parents for their lack of interest? Their own son makes no effort, you are hostile to them but it is their fault that they have no relationship with your daughter. They haven't disowned her - they don't know her!

Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 13:06

yes i think so too, but my oh is not the best at communicating, i think he is happy to just drop he's kids to school and have separate relationship with them, then come home and raise he's daughter with me separately. unfortunately.

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TheNaze73 · 24/01/2017 13:06

Kind of see both sides here. Ultimately it's them who'll miss out as grandparents but, they don't seem bothered. I'd leave it. You just need to accept, they're never going to like you

Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 13:06

yes she is very close with all my family, they adore her.

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BarbarianMum · 24/01/2017 13:07

What happens if you approach them and suggest a visit? You said they were responsive to your dd last time they met her, why not try again? Or send them a photo of her with a short message (apologies if youve tried this already).

Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 13:08

yes i can accept if all his family hate me for whatever reasons they have,
i just find it hard to accept that my daughter has no relationship with any of her dads family at all.

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Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 13:08

I think both my partner, and his family are being stubborn and as time goes on, it is harder to build back bridges

OP posts:
Somerville · 24/01/2017 13:09

ok so there is no solution to this and nothing is ever going to change

That's up to you and him. You can't force him to change it, if he doesn't want to. I would try, though, if it were my relationship. It's pretty fundamental for your daughter to have family relationships facilitated where ever possible, and one parent just not caring about that is shit.

Somerville · 24/01/2017 13:10

They key first relationship to work on is with her half-siblings. Grandparents and aunts and all that are a much smaller issue.

Original poster
user1485253407 · 24/01/2017 13:10

its true I'm not blaming her grandparents, Its the situation as a whole, not sure what to do in order to move things forward, they feel he should make an effort, and he feels why should he bother if they show no interest, and as to his children, I have asked repeatedly to see them, meet them, go out etc, and if they don't want to, because they dislike me for any reason, then at least, i feel my oh should try and build a relationship between he's children as a father.

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