Being the second wife

[Toodlepip16]

Hi, is anyone a second wife to their DH and can you share your feelings in this?
Been with partner for 7+ years, at first I always said I wouldn't want to be a second wife so didn't intend to get married, I didn't see it as important and thought just being together/having children etc would be enough. Over the years, I changed my mind on this regularly. More so since having DC together.
He bought a ring 4 years in and, before I noticed the ring was there, he asked would I like to get married one day and my response was "maybe", then I saw the ring... I've since said yes.
I do want to get married, I want to share a surname with my DC, I want us all to have the surname, including SC. However I have this constant battle in my head that although I want to, I hate the fact the exW has this surname (although I think this will change in time as she has child to someone else), I hate the fact he has been through it all before, etc etc.
I suppose I can cope that it's happened, it's the past and we are together now. I just feel as though us getting married, planning the wedding and everything that comes with it, will constantly make me think about his first wedding and whether things are the same, different, why our wedding vows actually mean "til death do us part" when theirs didn't, therefore is it all pointless? (He's always been more keen on this than me, said first wedding didn't mean anything, it was just another step in his life after having a child that he thought he had to go through, but realised now it was wrong as his heart wasn't in it)
Would it be easier to just not get married??
Just interested to hear other opinions/experiences and how it turned out

Thank you everyone for your thoughts

I am a 3rd wife! I was desperately sad that my husband didn't want to get married again. Eventually he did propose and although I was happy, all the feelings you described dawned on me - like having guests that had been at previous wedding, and what would people think. Our vicar did agree to marry us in a church - I am catholic but we got married CoE. Looking back I wish I we had just got married abroad but I insisted that my wedding would be bigger and better that the previous and I turned into Bridezilla! Anyway I suppose what I am trying to say is that these feelings will pass, I don't think about it now (although there was a time I was obsessed!), and please don't let that stop you getting married!

Thank you tents, that's reassuring.
Some days I think f*ck it let's just do it, then the next I'm incredibly sad about it again!
I'm not as laid back as I really wish I was x

I was a second wife (there's soon to be a third.
I had no issue with w1 having the surname as it had been hers for years and made sense to keep for her dc. I've kept my name because I want to be the same as my ds. W3 and exh are furious I kept the name and decided to refer to me as Ms narcsbegone even when corrected by the judge at one of the 3 court cases he's put/putting me through.
Exh's first wedding was quite big and so was ours and family and friends on his side seemed cool with coming along. I believe that 3rd wedding could possibly be smaller but exh is sure to want to show everyone how certain he is to have found 'the one' again' at this point I expect friends and family to be fairly thin on the ground.

As to the family finding it hard, well yes, if you're selfish enough to make it all about you rather than welcome your relatives new spouse into the family.

In our case it wasn't not wanting to accept her or welcome her into the family or being selfish we were concerned about my DB, but mainly the kids and felt they were rushing into it. He wasn't thinking about them and how it would affect them.

We had no fear of not being able to see the kids. They have joint custody, but we won't ever ignore his Ex or keep her at a distance, because she's the mother of his kids.

It did feel weird him getting married again, but lots of the guests were different and a wedding is just one day. The memories will be special to you and theimportant thing is your marriage.

I've got a friend who was the 3rd wife and it didn't phase her at all. And the vows are unique to you the couple. It doesn't mean they meant nothing the first time because it didn't work out.

I think you're overthinking it, it's 2017 (said with kindness). Marry the man if you love him and the relationship has no problems.

I thought the thread was going to be juicy about two current wives and one husband..

Another third wife here! (I call him Ross from Friends-haha!)
I didnt want to marry my DH when he proposed cos he had 2 church weddings and I thought his family would just think 'again?'. We went to Gretna with his parents and 2 of my family and just did it! Lovely but very special wedding and nothing like the previous ones! That was important to me and to DH.
First wife didnt keep his name, 2cnd wife begged to keep it as same as their DD. She has a new boyfriend and baby so its odd she still has his name but hey, that means their DD and our DS both feel like part of the family IYSWIM.
DH sees our marriage as the one he should have had all along. He married No.1 too young, No.2 was immature when they married and she cheated throughout their marriage. Then we met and we clicked. We're a team. I know we both meant it when we said our vows.
So fuck it, get married, be happy! Life is short!

I think low key and as different as possible from the first wedding are they way to go.

I see the logic behind this, but I think it's a little unfair. I don't see that I should have to have a low key wedding if I don't want because of choices I had no part in. It's not like he'd be doing something wrong in remarrying that calls for chasteness. And it'll be different from the first wedding by dint of the fact that I'm a different person and it's a different marriage.

Have the wedding you want. I said low key and my now dh said no wear what you want do what we want. I did the whole big white dress thing and I'm really glad my wedding wasn't anything to be ashamed of we didn't have to keep it low key because it was his second wedding.