Being the second wife

[Toodlepip16]

Hi, is anyone a second wife to their DH and can you share your feelings in this?
Been with partner for 7+ years, at first I always said I wouldn't want to be a second wife so didn't intend to get married, I didn't see it as important and thought just being together/having children etc would be enough. Over the years, I changed my mind on this regularly. More so since having DC together.
He bought a ring 4 years in and, before I noticed the ring was there, he asked would I like to get married one day and my response was "maybe", then I saw the ring... I've since said yes.
I do want to get married, I want to share a surname with my DC, I want us all to have the surname, including SC. However I have this constant battle in my head that although I want to, I hate the fact the exW has this surname (although I think this will change in time as she has child to someone else), I hate the fact he has been through it all before, etc etc.
I suppose I can cope that it's happened, it's the past and we are together now. I just feel as though us getting married, planning the wedding and everything that comes with it, will constantly make me think about his first wedding and whether things are the same, different, why our wedding vows actually mean "til death do us part" when theirs didn't, therefore is it all pointless? (He's always been more keen on this than me, said first wedding didn't mean anything, it was just another step in his life after having a child that he thought he had to go through, but realised now it was wrong as his heart wasn't in it)
Would it be easier to just not get married??
Just interested to hear other opinions/experiences and how it turned out

YABU. Everyone has a past. You are causing yourself unnecessary anxiety. You say you have DC, was your experience with DC1 the same as DC2, probably not. So if you look at it like this his experiences with you despite some things being the same (living together, sex etc) it will be different.

I think you need to forget his past and not be too wrapped up in it. Concentrate on now and enjoy your life with him. You'll be his forever wife X

I'll be a second wife at some point all being well. I don't worry about the relationship side of it - I think people's past relationships make them who they are, for better or worse. I don't think his having loved her takes anything from me and I think in fact it adds to him as a person. They aren't friends, but they're civil, and he's very respectful about her and their relationship; I would see it as a red flag if he wasn't. His family are lovely to me too and have never made me feel weird about the whole thing.

The wedding bit does bug me a bit though. We talk about future wedding plans a lot and he, naturally, can talk about it with an air of experience, which is bloody annoying (he's a groomzilla type). Also, he comes from a tiny town in another country where pretty much everyone has the exact same wedding, the one he's already had. We want to get married in his home country so much as to make it the only option (I have family links there too) but our options for alternative suppliers and venue are really limited. 🙄

I feel similarly to you OP! Will read and reply properly later, just getting ready for work and didn't want to lose this thread.

*A bit of a different perspective. My DB got remarried and it took us (mum and siblings) some time to get really excited for them and into the whole wedding plans ... because we'd done it before for him and never thought they'd split. It was hard for all of us and we were concerned about his DC and how they'd take it

We realised he was really happy with his new GF and he could sense our lack of enthusiasm, which was upsetting, so because we love him, we got on board and all went well*

And this is a huge part of the problem of being a second wife. It's not only your oh that's done it all before, but so have his family. You know that they're not as excited this time round. They've done the planning, the hen night, the first grandchild, bought into the relationship, and it didn't work out. They feel loyalty to the first wife, even if she did cheat on their son and steal all his money, and are still friendly with her because they think she might stop them seeing the grandchildren. So why invest in the second?

My mil and sil didn't even bother coming to the wedding. They's already seen him married once. It was just my family there. My mil wonders why we're not close.

The other thing is that other women think they have a right to judge your choices as a second wife. You see it on here all the time, you should take on the kids as if you're their mother, but always remember you're not their mother and have no right to any input in their lives. You shouldn't have your own kids unless you are still going to prioritise the first ones financially and emotionally. Don't go on holiday unless you can take all of them, even if it means you never go on holiday. You should have thought of that before you married a man with kids.

Dh is another one who went along with it because they'd been going out 7 years, it was either break up or get married, and he wanted kids. I did at least get to see that he is an amazing dad, and if we did split he would do the best for his children.

OP your tone sounds very much like those men who want a pure virginal bride because they don't want someone "tainted" who has done it all before.

Shame about the church but you're hardly religious if you're having extramarital sex and popping out kids. You can find equally beautiful venues elsewhere as you're just worried about aesthetics.

Make this wedding yours and don't get hung up on the previous bash. Also don't do a destination wedding as those are a pain in the arse to attend.

you're hardly religious if you're having extramarital sex

Thankfully, God isn't as judgemental. Phew.

Paintingowls I don't recall saying I ever wanted a church wedding?
Also I've only "popped" one child out, I'm hardly "popping them out"

Yeah no one has mentioned a church. Projection or what?!

Also paintingowls, I've never mentioned being concerned about aesthetics.
Also as I previously mentioned it works be close family/friends, basically those who really want to be there, and who we would consider helping go get there. So a destination wedding wouldn't be an issue.
Did you respond to the wrong second wedding post??

Pigeon thank you for your post. I suppose this thread was just to find out if people felt the same as me.* *
Good luck with your wedding x**

Karmanomore I wouldn't say it's 'hard' on the families? Could you elaborate?

You choose more carefully second time around therefore youre more special imo

It's hard on the families if they choose to make it hard, in my opinion.

Thanks toodle. We're actually not even officially engaged yet and probably won't be til next year, we just like talking about our eventual wedding I'm sure you and your fella will have a beautiful day. You sound like a very considerate partner and stepmother.

Yes pigeon. I wouldn't say being a guest at 'another' wedding is particularly hard but maybe I'm blinkered

Hi OP, I am my dh second wife, he is my third dh.

You can't let what was in the past ruin your future. So many divorced men in particular are put off re-marriage for life (with good reasons), you should feel special that he believes in your relationship enough to marry you. He is obviously sure this time.

Many first marriages are done out of obligation or not understanding the meaning or importance, maybe pressured into it from family or friends. Many see it as a trial run and not the real deal - although they don't realise this until they are older / wiser / meet someone they actually do love.

My dh divorced his exw after being married 4 years, and married me 2 years later, so two weddings in 6 years! I definately got the vibe from his family 'here we go again'. His family are still close to his exw and his mother is particular still hold her in the first wife esteem. She is the mother of his children and has the 'golden uterus syndrome'. I will never have the same status unless i have children, which i won't as I am nearly 42 now and already have 2 teen dc with exh.

Sometimes I do get upset that I wasn't his first, and his family sure do make me feel insignificant, but as a result of this we are now almost nc with them all and are much happier.

Please don't worry about what others think. Be happy.

If you have a registrar led wedding then you can have your own wording so not 'til death...' and make it your own. My db is going to marry his second wife soon. He has never been in love with anyone like he is with her. He's so happy. She's happy. It's good.

OP - my DP is about to become my second DH. My honest thoughts are:

• I wish I'd married DP first time round and
• how did I get it so wrong first time?

Have the wedding you want and focus on your future x

from a different perspective, i have been married before and my fiance hasnt. he is very secure and it rarely gets brought up apart from when i am being insecure then he reminds me i have been married, had children etc. it would bother me if it was the other way round so i get where you are coming from.

i married because it was the next logical step, i had held my family together through a shit storm and thought if i could get through that for 9 years i could make it work, however i was the only one on board so i ended it. i should have ended it sooner but thats another story.

my parents paid for my last one and are not paying for this one (which i dont expent them too), they hated my ex but love my current partner so that has no bearing on that.

i am planning my second wedding and i now know what is important and its marrying the right person for the right reasons, its not about the big white wedding and the party, its about the vows. things that i thought were important then i now know mean nothing. sweet carts, expensive photographers for albums that get looked at once. i know when i marry again i will not be thinking about my first wedding, i barely remember that part of my life and it was only 4 years ago.

I think part of the issue for me too is weddings are all about "tradition". The white dress, church, father giving you away, parents paying, the whole ritual of leaving your parents to start a home and life of your own not that i agree with it as a femininst

If one of you has been married before the whole tradition and ritual is stuffed before you even start. Takes the meaning out of the wedding, iyswim. I don't think i could have said my vows in the traditional way knowing his family had watched him do it before, and none of it had meant anything-even though it was her choice to break their vows.

As to the family finding it hard, well yes, if you're selfish enough to make it all about you rather than welcome your relatives new spouse into the family. It fucking hurts when your dh's family seem to see you as an insignificant addition that needs to be tolerated and kept away so the first wife and mother of the first grandchildren isn't upset.

Thankfully, God isn't as judgemental.

springydaffs

OP, as others have said, allowing his past to define your future together seems sad. But I suspect that your post is part of a process of you working through your feelings about it, and that it will become easier to accept that he's been married before.

I recently married for a second time, to a man who hasn't been married before. And I'm previously widowed, so it's not like my first wedding was a mistake, like I might view it if I was divorced. (I still have wedding photos up from my first wedding, for example, and my first set of in-laws were at my second wedding.) But it didn't make it any less special or significant in any way. Either to us or (I believe) to our guests. In fact, having experienced so much of the unfairness that life offers, it took on extra meaning and felt especially joyful.

Reallyanotherone you've hit the nail on the head. I'm not a traditionalist as such, but all those things you have mentioned just feel to me as if there's no point doing it if it isn't for the 'tradition' of it
I'm just glad to hear I'm not alone x

I'm divorced. I could never say "till death us do part" again, or have it said to me. It does make a difference. And as others say, if my brother has a second wedding having left his first wife, it won't be the same for me, not that that matters or should matter to him.

I think low key and as different as possible from the first wedding are they way to go.