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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me broach this without it being an argument

43 replies

GandolfBold · 23/01/2017 20:17

DH and I went through a rocky patch last year - he left and we made plans to make our separation formal but we reconciled. In that time I found a job for myself after years as a SAHM because I was expecting to support my family. I felt so anxious in that time that I decided I would not return to being a SAHM, and kept working. I now work full time M-F.

I now am tied to annual leave allowance, while DH is self employed and is very flexible in terms of when he works, so he often has days off for golf/away days with work/mooching about the house. He is the main earner.

Last year I went away for a weekend, which meant me using 10 hours A/L. DH went away for a week. He is going away again this year. I wanted to go away again and use 2 days annual leave, however DH is upset at this. He says that the more time I use 'selfishly' the more time he has to have off with the children.

Everytime I try to speak to him about it he accuses me of dragging up the past (him leaving, saying he had had enough, online dating while we were trying to reconcile), but I feel like he doesn't listen to what I am trying to say, or how I feel.

How do I say this to him in a calm way, while explaining my side and getting him to listen? Counselling isnt an option.

OP posts:

georgethecat · 23/01/2017 20:21

You need to have an agreed equal amount off to each do extra curricular stuff.

However, it doesn't sound like he's a team player at all so I think that's the bigger issue.

He gets to play golf & it's your job to look after the kids - am I right?

Original poster

GandolfBold · 23/01/2017 21:19

He does his bit, takes DD to school 3 days a week and picks her up once a week. He helps around the house and he does work hard. The problem is he thinks his job is more important than mine because he earns much more.

He thinks I should give up work whixh is what the argument boils down to.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/01/2017 21:24

Hmmm but if you split you'd get to use your leave how you want to and he'd have to have DD EOW etc...

Can you reduce your hours to 4 days per week or compressed hours?

Alternatively you need to get to the crux of the issue, him stopping devaluing your work - both paid & unpaid!

SaltySeaDog72 · 23/01/2017 21:28

I think it's very important that you continue to work. Very important indeed.

The problem is your work is seen as 'lesser' and your free time is 'lesser' (you are selfish for taking it' your default position is to be around for the kids. Even if you are working.

I think you still have fundamental problems i.e. a distinct lack of respect from him and therefore you must continue to work and accept that this is something big you need to work through.

If you want to avoid an argument then I suggest (?) that you simply state your plans and refuse to be riled into defending yourself for being entitled to do what he does ie take time off away from dc for leisure time like he does.

Notsleepingeveragain · 23/01/2017 21:43

Do you drag up the past?

I think the important thing is to remind him that it's your annuals leave to use as you need/like to. Not for him to dictate when suits him. Does he not see how hypocritical it is for him to be allowed time away and not you?

He is that dim? Or just mean?

If it were me I would make it clear that it's my annual leave to do as I wish. Sometimes some things are worth arguing about and jn my opinion this would be one of them.

Notsleepingeveragain · 23/01/2017 21:45

What I mean to say is don't back down on this. But like pp says don't get drawn into an argument and calmly repeat that you're entitled to it and its not selfish.

Original poster

GandolfBold · 23/01/2017 21:48

I don't drag up the past. He repeats over and over that he can't understand why I won't give up work, I try and explain why that isn't an option for me, then he accuses me of dragging up the past.

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 23/01/2017 22:27

Just ask him to accept you won't be giving up work and he doesn't need to understand.

Use an analogy that says if someone kept asking him why he really enjoyed hitting a small ball around a field with a stick all day would he be able to explain so that a skeptical person was satisfied with his explanation? What if they kept saying, but I dont understand..

You can also state "I don't believe you and I planning time off for individual pursuits is selfish, I'm glad we can support each other in this way as it makes us happy" rinse and repeat..dont get defensive and if it starts to escalate suggest a time out.

I fear however he wants it back to the way it was, he had complete control on his time and didn't have to answer to you.By working you are asking him to consider you and he may not be used to it, hopefully he does wise up!

When he does look after the children, do acknowledge it as he may need additional appreciation whilst he's getting used to the idea.

How long did you separate for? What were the original issues? I really hope he values compromise as its the only way a marriage can work.

Adora10 · 24/01/2017 11:49

Hope you're not wasting your time OP, I mean, he doesn't exactly sound trustworthy, never mind that he thinks he's far more important than you, not the actions of a man desperately trying to reconcile and make things better.

Adora10 · 24/01/2017 11:52

When he does look after the children, do acknowledge it as he may need additional appreciation whilst he's getting used to the idea.

Yeah cos he needs thanked for looking after his own kids, streuth!

user1479305498 · 24/01/2017 12:16

I would tell anyone thinking of giving up work not to unless they were with a very well off partner ---the number of SAHM mothers on here who feel trapped because of this very issue is in my opinion reason enough.

Hermonie2016 · 24/01/2017 12:18

I think appreciation works both ways and shouldn't be taken for granted.He should be appreciative of her when she's in sole charge of the children.

Surreyblah · 24/01/2017 12:21

So he has more leisure time than you and thinks that's fine. Does much less than 50% of parenting and domestic work and thinks that's fine. Does not respect you. Badgers you to go back to being financially dependent and gaslights you when you say you won't.

He sounds bad.

Surreyblah · 24/01/2017 12:25

Wanting financial independence and to better your personal economic position would be entirely reasonable, whether or not he'd left and (very likely) cheated on you. Him arguing that you giving these kinds of reasons for keeping your job is "dragging up the past" is gaslighting. It also seems that part of the deal with you WoH is that you still do the lion's share at home. Unfair.

Happybunny19 · 24/01/2017 13:03

He's an arse that wants you to be submissive and completely reliant on him. You're there as a convenience to him and your wishes are secondary to his. Are you happy to be reconciled?

Original poster

GandolfBold · 24/01/2017 19:56

I am happy we have reconciled. I never wanted to split on the first place. Maybe I have been so grateful that we are back together that I haven't wanted to rock the boat.

I am scared of being reliant on him. When we talk about he says that he isn't ever going to leave and seems upset when I tell him that I don't feel like I can trust him.

I have tried to talk to him about it before but it always ends up with him getting frustrated and me shutting down because I am scared of him walking out.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/01/2017 20:03

Your last sentence is a sad indictment of your situation

Keep your job. Prepare for him to leave when you don't do as he wants. Better still, tell him this is not working for you and you want to split permanently. I doubt you will do that though

He wants you to give up work so he can have even more leisure time and you will not get any more because he will lord it over you and tell you how easy you have it

Incidentally did that dabble in Internet dating not work out for him then ?

BeMorePanda · 24/01/2017 21:59

Reads to be like he his behaving this way in an attempt to manipulate you into doing what he wants - ie giving up your job, cause that means you are on hand to service the family more, freeing up his time to do as he pleases.

BeMorePanda · 24/01/2017 22:04

Read back over your posts Gandolf

You're scared of being reliant on him.
You're scared he will walk out on you.
You keep your mouth shut so you don't frustrate him.
He doesn't listen to you.
He's not interested in your needs.
He thinks his needs/wants/job are more important than your needs/wants/job.

This is your life with this man and its not going to change while you are with him. He's made it very clear the only thing that he expects to change is you and your life - to do as he wants.

Afterthestorm · 24/01/2017 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 24/01/2017 22:11

How does you having a job make any difference in this situation? You want to go away for the weekend, he will be looking after the children. The end. If you didn't have a job, you'd still be going away - so surely the job isn't relevant.

What he actually resents is looking after his own children. That, coupled with online dating whilst you were meant to be reconciling, suggests that he's right, you should be dragging up the past - in order to tell him to do one.

Surreyblah · 24/01/2017 22:27

When you talk about your, understandable, feelings, he "seems upset" (manipulative) or gets angry, so you shut up.

Naicehamshop · 24/01/2017 22:30

Good post panda.

Don't give up your job op - a time will may very well come when you will be very grateful that you are able to work and support yourself.

AyeAmarok · 24/01/2017 22:34

You can't give up your job, because you need the security. He's just going to have to accept that, and start considering his family as being of equal importance as himself.

Sounds like he struggles with that.

ivykaty44 · 24/01/2017 22:37

. He says that the more time I use 'selfishly' the more time he has to have off with the children.

Can he elaborate on this statement?

I don't understand why having time with his dc would be an issue? He is thier father, a main shared carer for them.

As for his job being more important than yours, no ask your do to explain how his job is more important than your job because it's hard to understand how this is quantified? Is it the amount of money he earns, or the status of his job or the importance of his job? Or is it a chavanistic approach?

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