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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me broach this without it being an argument

43 replies

GandolfBold · 23/01/2017 20:17

DH and I went through a rocky patch last year - he left and we made plans to make our separation formal but we reconciled. In that time I found a job for myself after years as a SAHM because I was expecting to support my family. I felt so anxious in that time that I decided I would not return to being a SAHM, and kept working. I now work full time M-F.

I now am tied to annual leave allowance, while DH is self employed and is very flexible in terms of when he works, so he often has days off for golf/away days with work/mooching about the house. He is the main earner.

Last year I went away for a weekend, which meant me using 10 hours A/L. DH went away for a week. He is going away again this year. I wanted to go away again and use 2 days annual leave, however DH is upset at this. He says that the more time I use 'selfishly' the more time he has to have off with the children.

Everytime I try to speak to him about it he accuses me of dragging up the past (him leaving, saying he had had enough, online dating while we were trying to reconcile), but I feel like he doesn't listen to what I am trying to say, or how I feel.

How do I say this to him in a calm way, while explaining my side and getting him to listen? Counselling isnt an option.

OP posts:

Runnngupthathill · 24/01/2017 22:50

Agree with other posters, do not give up your job, he doesn't seem to respect you, etc. YOU are selfish bacause you take time off work to do your own thing for a couple of days but HE thinks it's okay for him to go away without you and DC for a week, leaving you to do everything. What would he say if you said you were going away for a week? Does he go with friends? You seem to be treading on eggshells a bit around him.

Afterthestorm · 24/01/2017 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Runnngupthathill · 24/01/2017 22:55

In fact not treading a bit , a lot on eggshells. It's sad you are constantly scared he will leave again. Agree with Any

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/01/2017 23:19

Do as he says, not as he does...double standard.

CockacidalManiac · 24/01/2017 23:28

The fact that he's a golfer speaks volumes.

Original poster

GandolfBold · 25/01/2017 07:00

He earns much, much more than I do, so he sees it that if he has time off, his earning power is limited by that time. He doesn't seem to understand when I explain about him taking time off when it suits him for him not being the same. He does find looking after the children difficult: ds2 has severe SN and behaves differently with his dad than with me. He has never taken them out by himself beyond a couple of hours at soft play so if he does the holiday care I worry that it will involve days of sitting around.

The Internet dating was a bit of a blip. He had a profile set up when we were not together which he kept updating once we were back together and trying again.

I love him and I believe he loves me. I just don't feel I trust him any more. I won't give up my job. It's my lifeline and security. I know I have painted a bleak picture of our relationship but I am happy.

I spoke to him last night and it turns out that he thinks I chose the wrong job. When he left I managed to get myself 2 job offers, a flexible job where I could work from home but with no real prospects and a high stress workload, or my current job which is not flexible but much less stressful and a job I wanted with clear progression. I made the decision to go with the second job and he thinks I have made it selfishly because I could have been around in the holidays more.

OP posts:

ChuckSnowballs · 25/01/2017 07:06

Dear me, he really just wants you to be at his back and call.

MsGameandWatch · 25/01/2017 07:07

He sounds like a massive selfish twat and I honestly can't think of much else to say besides that.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2017 07:08

Well, I don't think we have helped you with your original plea, have we ?

It seems the reason you are reluctant to raise perfectly reasonable subjects is because you have the fear of him walking out hanging over you

I would say that was a pretty bleak situation to be in

Your value to him appears to be based around your being present to do his share of the shitwork

Naicehamshop · 25/01/2017 07:10

He is putting his happiness and wants WAY ahead of yours, isn't he?
I don't know what else to say, really. He is being totally selfish. Is he a selfish and unkind person normally, or just totally lacking in empathy?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 25/01/2017 07:41

Did He have the children when you were separated?

MrAliBongo · 25/01/2017 08:07

OP, if you mean to stick with this marriage, you have to get it back on a healthier footing. Right now, you're treading on eggshells to avoid an argument, while he merrily describes you as selfish - not equal terms! And he accuses you of dragging up the past to justify your job, but you must both acknowledge your past and accept that it will and should shape your present and future.

The issue of the leave... He's being a dick, of course. But you have to take some responsibility for the solution and stop pussyfooting around him. Ready yourself for that argument, unless you're prepared to be a second-class citizen for the rest of your days.

Surreyblah · 25/01/2017 08:57

A man who does not parent his DC apart from the odd trip to soft play, who you cannot be confident to leave HIS DC with for a day or weekend is a shit father and shit partner.

RaeofSun · 25/01/2017 09:25

Oh OP. Sounds like you work, have main childcare duties and perhaps carry the burden of the household chores?

And you're scared he'll leave again.

Would you want this relationship for your DC?

squishee · 25/01/2017 09:27

No trust means no future for your relationship, I'm afraid.

Surreyblah · 25/01/2017 09:28

So he's high earning but self employed, so could hide earnings etc to avoid paying maintenance.

Happybunny19 · 25/01/2017 09:31

Mrali is absolutely correct. Much as I sympathise with you and your fear he'll walk out again, this man is an arse who needs shaking up. As long as you continue pussy footing around him he's bullying you so he has his easy life. You even make excuses for him continuing to update his old profile while you're reconciling, why on earth would you accept him blatantly looking around for a better offer?

As long as you stay with him too scared to confront him you can't ever be truly happy, you have no equality or respect from him.

Blueskyrain · 25/01/2017 09:58

I'm a little more on the fence here, I think it depends a little on how you've done things previously.

If, for example, he used to take the full 6 weeks off in summer and you'd spend it all together as a family, but not now you'll be working, I can see that he'd find it hard.

Likewise, if the only way to manage holiday childcare has been for you both hypothetically to tag team time off, then either of you going away, could create a shortfall, which could be problematic.

But he is being very hypocritical here given he is taking a week and begrudges you 2 days. One rule for him and another for you.

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