Husband's uncontrollable anger

[jimthecat]

My husband has a bad temper seems to love being angry. This weekend has been awful and I am fed up. On Friday he came home furious due to something which admittedly, he was right to be angry about, but he spent the whole evening shouting, slamming doors, insulting the person that he was angry with and just creating a really horrible atmosphere.

Yesterday he was playing a computer game (which he claims to do to relax and escape from his stressful job) and he was so angry that he broke something of mine and was ranting so loudly that again, the atmosphere was awful. I told him his behaviour was unacceptable to which he started ranting at me about all sorts of things (the kitchen being untidy, I hadn't booked a flight I was supposed to etc. etc.).

Then this morning, he woke up in another foul mood as he had to leave for a work seminar at 11am. He hadn't started packed anything so again, I was ranted at because he couldn't find a specific jacket, because the basement was untidy, because the coat cupboard has too many of my coats in it... He finally left but not before throwing his case (which incidentally is actually mine) out of the front door and then kicking our DD's car seat as he was in such a temper he trapped his hand behind it when trying to remove it.

He wanted to say bye to me but I just told him coldly that he needs to spend the next few days thinking about controlling his anger as I won't stand for it any more. He slammed the car door and drove off.

We have had issues in the past with his anger and he always blames someone else or the fact that he is stressed - he works in a incredibly stressful job. I am beginning to think he enjoys being stressed and angry. It's extremely wearing for me and I don't want our DD being exposed to this kind of anger.

I tried to get him to seek out counselling to help him with his anger but he doesn't want to. However, I go to counselling for my own issues and I have spent a lot of time talking to my therapist about dealing with my DH. She has helped me to see that his anger is not down to me and has given me ways standing up to him, but warned me that it could make him worse before seeing any improvement. I feel that this is what I've seen this weekend as from Friday, I haven't accepted his anger and have challenged him on it on each occasion.

Does anyone have any advice? What should I be telling him to do to deal with his anger? I know lots of people will say I should leave but it's really not what I want at the moment.

Anger does mask other emotions. My DD1 is in therapy for this exact issue right now. She has great difficulty expressing ANY emotions other than in an angry way. She doesn't understand how to feel other emotions, doesn't recognise them and doesn't seem to know how to express herself otherwise. She's a young teen. She is accepting the therapy. Which is literally the only way someone can change - they have to want to and have to do the hard work to do it. Because she's my DD I am putting this work in too but your DH is an adult and needs to learn the consequences of choosing (yes choosing) this path knowing he's making everyone else bloody miserable. You are totally entitled to leave him or stand up to him, what he does with that is not only his own fault but his own choice

My father has been like this for 70 years

I lost respect for him and for my mother for staying with him at about the age of 8 when I realised that this wasn't how everyone lived

My parents are still together. He still verbally abuses her and trashes stuff if any small thing doesn't go his way. Our family was the laughing stock of the neighbourhood when I was growing up because of his public tantrums. People just used to laugh at him. And me for having a "nutter" for a father

They live only a few miles from me but I see them out of duty at xmas and birthdays only. They barely know their gc. My mother is on tranquillisers to cope with her anxiety and chronic depression and is isolated as he saw off family and friends one by one

Don't let that be you and you really should rescue your kids from it before it is too late

His anger isn't "uncontrollable". If it were, he'd likely either be in prison or dead by now. He may well be known to be difficult, demanding or an arsehole, but he clearly is able to choose how he behaves and with whom. So, he won't kick off like this in the supermarket if they've run out of his favourite bread - because at the very least he'd be escorted off the premises and possibly the Police would be called. He won't break something belonging to a bigger, more powerful man, or his boss, because he might get punched in the face or sacked.

No excuses for him. He is a bully. That is a horrendous situation for your poor child and for you too. These people never change. Find a good lawyer and dump this pig of a man.

Thanks for further useful replies. Lots to think about.

Ah, I feel so sorry for you, you come across as you now believe this s a normal way to live, defensive it seems over something that most of us see as unacceptable, and what your children will grow up and tell you was.

But you know that right, so why post on here?

All the replies have been "useful". He is an abuser.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles
take a look here, see if anything rings a bell

Sorry OP but I agree that this man us abusive. Scarily similar behaviour to my ex, I could relate to all of your post.
It took me a while to admit it was abuse and that he would never change. My father was the same so to me it was 'normal' as I grew up with this behaviour.

Does he want to change?

Is he asking what he can do to make things different?

At the moment what both you and the therapist seem to be doing is looking at ways to change him like smuggling vegetables into the dinner of a reluctant child. But that's not really going to work, is it? He needs to be on board. He needs to be the one looking for solutions.

What you describe here was my EX-husband approx 15 years ago. Always had anger issues, his family just ignored the outbursts, I believed the excuses. ALL OF THEM. Your husband is an abusive man, like my ex. They dont change and in fact "anger management" courses are not recommended for abusers. They play the game. 6 years after my separation that man still tries to abuse me. No amount of polite reasoning from you will lead to anything changing in the long term. It is shocking when you realise that someone you thought you knew and loved is actually an abuser. It's a painful journey but you get through it in the end.

He is like this "to some extent" at work.
Meaning it's not uncontrollable anger. He is just choosing not to control it. If he acts like this at work or towards strangers in the street he would lose his job or even be arrested. So he doesn't.
You and others tolerate his shit. So he acts this way.
It's not help he needs. It's an exit.

I know that lots of people will think I am being stupid or naïve but what I would really like to do get my DH to understand he has to change and improve the situation for everyone.

What would you like him to change into exactly, bearing in mind he has always been like this?

I have been where you are, trying to make excuses for an angry man. He is stressed, anxious etc etc. However, most people are able to control their anger. Recently I realised the relationship I am in is abusive. I need to get out, and am working on that.

When he isn't angry and in a mood, he is a nice person and I enjoy his company. When he isn't everyone feels it and walks on eggshells (even if you say you don't, I am sure you "feel" it sometimes). I used to swallow it down but increasingly is making me more anxious stressed and upset. At the weekend I felt broken as there was something else I just can't seem to get right and get a roasting for it. Other times he isn't angry WITH me, but I feel like he is. Over time i have learnt to modify my behaviour and give in because I don't like the drama.

Watch your child closely, I used to think my kids weren't affected by it but they are. My nearly 9 year old DS has no patience and has started to show similar tendencies. I also lived with a father whom I adored and still do, but I feared his anger as a child. He wasn't physically abusive, but he ruled the house with an iron fist and everything I did was to try and avoid the shouting.

You haven't got there yet, but you might do soon of realising its not a good enviroment for anyone, then the hard work starts. Good luck.

First I'd suggest you stop normalising this or making excuses for him, his behaviour is completely out of order and in front of children, just disgusting, they are already being harmed by him; he loses it with you because it's easier, he gets away with it.

He's told you he wont go to counselling, that tells you everything, he will continue to disrespect you and show your daughter that all men are angry, especially towards women, don't kid yourself that you are not walking on eggshells, the man sounds unhinged; a total bully because he gets away with it with females.

Up to you, he has no intention of changing so you either live with it or actually decide you are not going to tolerate it anymore.