Husband's uncontrollable anger

[jimthecat]

My husband has a bad temper seems to love being angry. This weekend has been awful and I am fed up. On Friday he came home furious due to something which admittedly, he was right to be angry about, but he spent the whole evening shouting, slamming doors, insulting the person that he was angry with and just creating a really horrible atmosphere.

Yesterday he was playing a computer game (which he claims to do to relax and escape from his stressful job) and he was so angry that he broke something of mine and was ranting so loudly that again, the atmosphere was awful. I told him his behaviour was unacceptable to which he started ranting at me about all sorts of things (the kitchen being untidy, I hadn't booked a flight I was supposed to etc. etc.).

Then this morning, he woke up in another foul mood as he had to leave for a work seminar at 11am. He hadn't started packed anything so again, I was ranted at because he couldn't find a specific jacket, because the basement was untidy, because the coat cupboard has too many of my coats in it... He finally left but not before throwing his case (which incidentally is actually mine) out of the front door and then kicking our DD's car seat as he was in such a temper he trapped his hand behind it when trying to remove it.

He wanted to say bye to me but I just told him coldly that he needs to spend the next few days thinking about controlling his anger as I won't stand for it any more. He slammed the car door and drove off.

We have had issues in the past with his anger and he always blames someone else or the fact that he is stressed - he works in a incredibly stressful job. I am beginning to think he enjoys being stressed and angry. It's extremely wearing for me and I don't want our DD being exposed to this kind of anger.

I tried to get him to seek out counselling to help him with his anger but he doesn't want to. However, I go to counselling for my own issues and I have spent a lot of time talking to my therapist about dealing with my DH. She has helped me to see that his anger is not down to me and has given me ways standing up to him, but warned me that it could make him worse before seeing any improvement. I feel that this is what I've seen this weekend as from Friday, I haven't accepted his anger and have challenged him on it on each occasion.

Does anyone have any advice? What should I be telling him to do to deal with his anger? I know lots of people will say I should leave but it's really not what I want at the moment.

'Then this morning, he woke in another foul mood because he had to get up for a work seminar at 11am'

Nope. In order to be correct, this sentence should read:

Then this morning he woke up in another foul mood because he is an abusive man

It's a small but important distinction

Yes he is damaged from childhood but that isn't an excuse and it's his problem.

Take it from someonw who has been there. The only cure is to leave, OP.

It's great that you are in counselling..

He behaves like this in front of his parents, his siblings and his close friends and to some extent at work. Everyone knows he is someone with a very short fuse.
I am not trying to defend him here but I am not walking on eggshells. What I want is him to stop creating bad atmospheres at home and to control his anger. Last night he was angry all on his own. I only realised when I heard him shouting. He is never angry with DD and she never sparks his anger. The anger comes from inside himself ; he's angry because he can't find a jumper or a charger or a key or he's angry because he tripped over the rug or because he stubbed his toe.
He then gets into a foul mood and yes I get ranted at. I used to reply but I don't anymore, apart from the say that that if he is upset with the state of the kitchen, coat cupboard etc. he should do something about it himself.

I know that lots of people will think I am being stupid or naïve but what I would really like to do get my DH to understand he has to change and improve the situation for everyone. Thanks for some useful suggestions.

Because he can't find a jumper or key?

Nope. It's because he's and abusive man. That's why he does it.

The only useful thing to say to this man is please collect your belongings from the doorstep and go and live elsewhere

Do you really believe that your dd is not aware of his anger and doesn't hear him shouting and ranting?

That is a genuine question BTW.

So him getting angry on his own - which I know happens - means he is abusive? Abusive towards who in this situation?
I do agree that it's abuse to create bad atmospheres and to treat inanimate objects with disrespect (he also breaks his own stuff) however I don't think it's so simple to say 'ok your anger was unacceptable leave the house'.
I appreciate everyone's comments and I don't want to seem dismissive of those saying 'leave' but it's way more complex than that.

My father was like this.
I loved him and there are lots of good things I could say about him.
It damaged me because I copied his behaviour with my own family until a therapist helped me take responibility for my own actions and change. It was very painful. There's absolutely nothing YOU can do though except tell him to leave until he's sorted himself out. You'll be doing HIM a massive favour. Don't allow him to damage your daughter any further.

There is no magic set of words that if you say them just right will have a Road To Damascus type of revelation.

Life doesn't work like that.

And having lived through this as the child and the abuser I can tell you that it really is that simple. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Your daughter is likely to either grow up handling her anger just like him, or she will grow up to marry a man who handles his anger just like him.

Because its her normal.

Actually OP it sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on it. But he will have to get counselling on this. Is he open to such things?

My father was like this too. He left when I was 14 and I felt nothing but relief that finally we could all relax in our own home.

For what it's worth, he wasn't an awful person in many ways and I went on to have a reasonable relationship with him as an adult, but living in the same house as someone like that is horrible for a child.

I don't think there is a lot you can do about it other than what you are already doing eg. detatching yourself from the situation and telling him to sort it out himself.

I also agree that it's not a coincidence that he is breaking / kicking your things and your dd's things, and not his own stuff.

I would say he has issues with coping with difficult situations which boil over as anger - like he's at the end of his tether. His actions are abusive in so much as he's shouting at you or breaking your stuff, but not in a way that he's trying to control you for controlling sake. He's angry that everything isn't going perfectly and letting the nearest person to him take the blame - a type of scapegoating - whilst also probably feeling quite angry with himself.

The only thing he could do would be to willingly seek help himself for it. But that has to come from him as you know, there is no point in having therapy if you aren't 100% intent on making changes. If he sees no issue, he won't seek to change it.

Have you spoken to him about it when he is calm? Are you afraid of his reaction? Have you asked him if he wants to change the pattern and does he realise how damaging it is for you, your dd and for him too?

There will be an impact of his temper on your daughter and you as it's just not possible to ignore ranging behaviours.

However you feel you are not only eggshells and that's positive.My stbxh did not have a loud temper but a quiet one which was scary.

I think over time his anger will become a problem, it's not a likeable trait! Would be consider reading books such as the Chimp Paradox which deals with how thoughts trigger behaviours.

You cannot insulate a child from this type of anger, for as you say, it creates an atmosphere in the home. She will see him banging, shouting by himself, shouting at you, being moody and difficult even if it is not directed at her herself. I know, I've been that child and the best thing about my childhood was when my dad left, the house was peaceful and that horrible feeling of something about to kick off was left behind.

I'm sorry that's what you want to hear. You won't change your husband enough by being slightly different and not helping him find stuff. He needs to know his marriage is on the line over this and he'll be leaving to deal with it himself if he doesn't get it sorted. Appeasing him by not entering into the game won't in and of itself stop him being angry, as he's so used to being angry, resentful and critical of you, it's his way of life.

Reminds me of a recent thread from a woman whose daughter was really upset by her friend's father shouting all the time.

That will be your daughter's dad, and it will be your daughter's friends who start avoiding her.

You might not be walking on eggshells, but everyone else will be thinking he is unhinged and potentially dangerous.

I agree with others that you should get out. My ex was exactly the same and even when I waited until he was calm and tried to tell him that his behaviour upset he would say 'Well you caused it because you missed one calgon treatment so the washing machine broke earlier than it should have' There was no reasoning with him at all. He even said 'I corner you and scream in your face to get you to stop disagreeing with me' I stayed for the sake of my daughters but guess what? He started doing exactly the same thing to them and now has no relationship with them whatsoever. I got to a point where something snapped and I told him what I thought of his outbursts. You don't need to put up with this.

I could have written this myself. My DH is self employed , so others dont really see it and to make it worse, I work with him. Leaving therefore isnt straighforward as effectively I would lose my job--Im the backend person . My DH knows he has an issue and he too has refused to get anger management therapy. In fact everytime I go and see my cousellor he makes nasty comments about pyschobabble and it making people worse. Like yours too OP, he isnt like it all the time but enough of the time to make it hardwork. Difference with me is my son has now left home and I am noticing it far more now Im on my own with him. I care about him a lot in many ways, but its hard going!

I grew up with an angry dad and a 'powerless' mother and then ended up marrying someone very similar. It has a devastating effect on a child. My father is now 70 and is still the same. My exh has remarried and is still the same. You can't make him happy or not angry so Protect your daughter otherwise she will end up with a lifetime of self doubt, depression and will probably end up marrying someone just the same. She may well resent you terribly when she's an adult for not protecting her.

It sounds like he has very high expectations of himself and others and can't cope with any perceived 'failings' or mistakes. I don't know if he fits the profile of most abusers though, although his behaviour is certainly abusive I'm not convinced it comes from the same intention as most abusers. He doesn't sound manipulative or charming enough frankly.

Having said that, he really needs to go in to therapy if he is going to change. I would make this a condition of staying in the relationship because this is no way for you and your dd to live.

Can you tell him that every time he feels the triggers of feeling angry he needs to walk out of the house and take himself for a walk as it is affecting your daughter and you?

It's a bit of a worry that you suggested he seems to enjoy being angry. Perhaps telling him "I know you must be feeling embarrassed to have humiliated yourself again" after the event might make him understand what others think of a grown man losing his blob over little things.

Op your last post is a typical response. I'm guessing imo that you still love him. You desperately want to remain a family unit so that your daughter doesn't have to be part of a divorced family and you don't have to face that scary future of doing it alone. You're worried about the financial implications of divorce. You know deep down he loves you. You're worried about how he would react if you filed for divorce. You keep thinking if only he wouldn't get angry we'd be so happy. You feel sorry for him at times. Etc etc the reasons for staying and trying harder go on and on and on. Only you can know when you have had enough. Just don't leave it too long for your daughters sake.

*It sounds like he has very high expectations of himself and others and can't cope with any perceived 'failings' or mistakes. I don't know if he fits the profile of most abusers though, although his behaviour is certainly abusive I'm not convinced it comes from the same intention as most abusers. He doesn't sound manipulative or charming enough frankly.

Having said that, he really needs to go in to therapy if he is going to change. I would make this a condition of staying in the relationship because this is no way for you and your dd to live.*

Yes, I think this is the case too. You do need to be really firm about this OP. He won't be able to change without the correct support.

You have told him that you won't stand for it any more but the fact is you are still there. You have not taken any steps yourself to get him removed from the marital home. Your DD is already being exposed to his anger at her mother and this will affect her markedly both now and in her future relationships particularly if you remain with this man. You cannot and must not continue to do your bit her to teach her such damaging lessons on relationships.

Currently at least you are putting your own H first above you and your child.

What do you want her to remember about her childhood; her dad being angry at her mother in particular and you as her mother being passive?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. I ask only as I wonder what example your parents set you. Was your dad also an angry man with your mother basically wringing her hands?. Are you seeing a therapist primarily because of your H?.

He is like this with you because he sees you primarily as his emotional punchbag; he is not like this with other people at work is he so he does not have an anger management problem at all.

OP, you really cannot change someone else. He is obviously perfectly happy like that.

If he wanted to change it would still be a long haul, but it might be worth sticking it out and applying your techniques.

I think you are making the mistake of thinking he is abusive because he is angry. The likelihood is that he's angry because he's abusive. Lundy Bancroft explains this in his book Why does he do that. It's worth a read.

Even if you were able to magically stop these abusive outbursts, you cannot change his abusive thoughts and beliefs. That's what is driving his behaviour. He clearly believed it was your fault he couldn't find his jacket.