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Original poster

can a long-term relationship work if the woman is 8 years older?

51 replies

AlwaysGettingWiser · 21/01/2017 23:13

What do you all think? Any experiences?

I'm 2 years free of an abusive marriage (which probably affects my judgment), and I have two young children. I'm 45 years old and look fully my age.

Just recently, I had a great 2 month relationship with a very kind and lovely man 15 years older than me. The age gap didn't bother me. Sometimes it struck me that he looked a bit old, grey and wrinkly, but I honestly didn't care - I loved him enough to get over it. The relationship ended, but such is life.

Now a man (let's call him John) who is only 36 is hoping to build a life with me and my children. He is an amazing single dad, in very hard circumstances, very good looking, very clever, capable and kind. I know his children, and I love them both. He wants a mother for them, he is completely honest about this. His children come first with him, he doesn't care how old I am or what I look like. He only wants somebody who will love his children as if they were her own (and I would do that! )

I like John, and I think I could love him a lot. The difficult thing is, I think he is selling himself short by wanting to be with me. In ten years time, he will still be gorgeous, but I will be an old woman.

Is this a good idea?

In ten years time, I will be 54 years old, completely grey, very wrinkly (I have smoked for years), with reduced libido and breasts maybe around my ankles. He will be 46, only gorgeous pepper and salt grey, still looking lovely and

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 22/01/2017 13:32

I'm 7 years older than DH. Nobody seems to have noticed.

GruffaloPants · 22/01/2017 13:36

I don't think the age gap is a problem. I have friends who have a similar gap and they have a great long term relationship. I doubt anyone, including them, gives their ages much thought day to day.

However this new guy sounds a bit full on. Whatever happened to dating?

PastysPrincess · 22/01/2017 13:37

Theres 15 years between my dad and my stepmum. They've been married 23years. There is 5 years between my dad and mum. Their marriage failed. Nuff said.

Original poster
AlwaysGettingWiser · 22/01/2017 15:04

Thank you all so much. It's lovely to have such positive responses, and to hear such happy stories.

meandyou the mother isn't on the scene at all. It's a sad story, and they've all been desperately hurt, but obviously I don't want to go into details.

To be fair to 'John', I don't think it's just about wanting a mother-figure for his children. He also wants a life-partner for himself and, after a couple of bad experiences some years ago, has decided that he is most likely to have success with this if he meets somebody who understands the challenges of single parenthood, and knows that the children must always come first.

He certainly isn't pushing for any immediate commitment. Although he's quite clear about his long-term hopes, all he's suggesting at the moment is that we spend some more time together as families, perhaps going on day trips and having some evenings together, to see how we all get along. The children are already good friends, so this could be fun.

The trouble with taking it slowly, is that the children are bound to start thinking about the possibilities, and could be ever so disappointed if it doesn't work out. One of them is already building castles in the air... Equally, they could panic about change that may not happen if things didn't work out between us.

Oh it's all so confusing! And I would hate him to be looking at me in ten years time and secretly thinking how old I am. But maybe we could be missing an incredible opportunity for ourselves and all the children if we don't give it a try...

OP posts:
Atenco · 22/01/2017 15:38

The age difference is not a problem. One of my best friends has been married to someone fifteen years younger than her for 30 years now. She was never a looker and he is dropdead gorgeous.

I do think you need to talk about his expectations of you being a mother to his children though. Another friend was a step-mum to two little girls, but she was never allowed to discipline them in any way. Their father was a workaholic, rarely at home, but anytime he did come home, he countermanded everything she did.

SandyY2K · 22/01/2017 16:03

Like others, the age gap isn't a problem. Him wanting you for you, would be my concern.

Why don't you not let the kids know it's more than a friendship at the moment, so they don't get their hopes up.

He's concerned about having someone to love his children, so it doesn't really sound like he's just after a person to look after his kids.

I doubt he'd just up and leave you, ripping the family apart, because you've become older as he himself would have.

Just be sure you and he get on well enough, that you come to love each other and that you maintain that emotional connection between you.

Don't rush into living together either.

LesisMiserable · 23/01/2017 01:24

Sorry, 5 months?

Patienceisvirtuous · 23/01/2017 05:10

I don't think the age gap is an issue. You just need to get your self esteem in full working order.

I am 9 years older than my lovely husband (I'm 39, he is 30). We've had an awful time fertility-wise (my fertility) and many a time I've thought he should bugger off and find a nice mid 20's girl to procreate with. (He could easily - he's kind, sporty, v handsome...) But... it seems he adores me (tells me all the time) and is in it for the long haul :)

John obviously sees something you don't OP. Don't run yourself down!

HarryBlackberry · 23/01/2017 12:17

I am 44 and my partner is 12 years younger than me. He is my best friend and soulmate. I think you should go for it if it feels right. Nobody blinks an eyelid if it's a man going out with a younger woman. Be kind to yourself. I wish you all the best.

justgivemethepinot · 23/01/2017 12:50

My mum is 8 years older than her partner, she was 45 when they got together and their still together now 25 years later. Hth Smile

justgivemethepinot · 23/01/2017 12:50

*they're

Surreyblah · 23/01/2017 12:54

The age difference is fine, but there are other things that don't sound great, eg you can only barely know him after only a few months, and he is being OTT to talk of "building a life" with your respective DC and wanting to find a mother for his DC.

If you do date him, avoid introducing the DC for a long time!

Captainladder · 23/01/2017 13:03

I'm 7 years older than Dh and it works just fine. Think you are selling yourself short and agree that men age too, it's just seen more acceptable! You sound lovely, and I think he'd be lucky to have you.

Surreyblah · 23/01/2017 13:15

Even if you already know each other's DC (as much as you can within a few months which is little IMO) it'd be a huge change for all the DC for you to be bf and gf, and joint day trips etc wouldn't be appropriate or sensible until you've dated him a good while.

AmandaK11 · 23/01/2017 13:18

I believe if you both want it to work, you can make it work. Although there is a bit of uncertainty towards the future, I would go for it - as long as that is what both of you want.

FizzBombBathTime · 23/01/2017 13:21

My mum is 48 and her partner of 6 years is now 33.

Makes me cringe (because she's my mum), but it seems to work Smile

Kr1stina · 23/01/2017 13:22

You are letting the age issues cloud your judgement .

You've only know him 5 months, it's way too soon to know if he's a keeper.

So keep dating him and dont move in together.

Scrape your self esteem off the floor and start looking after yourself. Quit the fags and do some exercise. Dye your hair or cut it cut into a cool funky style . You are in your prime my dear and you need to act like it. I don't recognise your description of any 54 yo I know.

user1479305498 · 23/01/2017 13:28

My mum married a guy 11 years younger when she was 40 and they have been married 30 years. She was a very well cared for 40, he was a very old for his age 29. This is about mentatlity, not age, but its very important he likes you for "you" , not just as someone to look after them all. I would want to be very sure of that first.

InfiniteCurve · 23/01/2017 13:32

Has anyone already said ConfusedConfused? to the " in ten years time I'll be an old woman" yet?
Haven't rtft as rushing to go out....
In ten years time you'll still be a couple of years younger than I am now,and I'm not an old woman. Or grey.Or completely wrinkled up and doddery - I manage to keep up with my 16 year old DS pretty well Grin
So IMO you may be selling yourself a bit short!
However I would hesitate if you genuinely think his main motivation is to find a mother for his children.

deadringer · 23/01/2017 17:24

I don't agree that women age faster than men. I was at a 30 year school reunion recently and ALL of the men looked older than the women. Everyone was struck by it. Yes women are more likely to dye their hair and we have the benefit of make up, but most of the women had hardly changed while many of the men were almost unrecognisable. My best friend is in a long term relationship with a man 10 years her junior and they all really in love and happy. Don't sell yourself short op, decide if he is good enough for you and your family before you commit.

TatianaLarina · 23/01/2017 17:29

Yes when my friends hit 40 was the point I noticed how much better all the women have aged than the men.

corythatwas · 23/01/2017 18:15

I've been watching a lot of television lately and have been struck by how so many of the actors (so men whose job it is to take care of themselves) actually look older than me when I know for a fact they were born in the same year. It's what everybody else is saying- men can get away with it.

But as others are saying: I would want to be very sure he likes you for you, not just as someone to fill a gap in his family.

Cherryskypie · 23/01/2017 18:28

I agree with the others. The age difference isn't really a thing, especially as you both have DC of your own. The idea that the blended family is the primary goal rather than being with you is a bit odd.

There are enough posts about the trials and tribulations of blended families on here, with partners feeling their other half 'sides' with their own DC over them, to show that living with both sets of DC can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. Those are generally couples who chose each other and then looked at blending their families.

You deserve someone who thinks you are amazing and wants you around because they love your company first and foremost.

TFPsa · 23/01/2017 19:57

I think it's fine. Say 18 years not so much but 8 isn't really so bad at all.

bert3400 · 23/01/2017 20:59

Go for it . 8 years is not a massive amount of time . I met my husband when he was 20 , I Was 31 ...18 wonderful years later we have two beautiful kids and we love each other very much . Go for it ...he could be The love of your life.

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