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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's just hit me

66 replies

luckyusername · 21/01/2017 22:35

Partner of 7 years has just shouted and hit me infront of our dc. He's been very stressed today and taking it all out on me. Apparently everything is my fault and I'm weak and pathetic. I don't know what to do now! I don't want to call the police as it will scare the dc. I don't even know what I can do tomorrow or where I can go.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 22/01/2017 01:27

the police are generally considerate of the victims and children when they come.

forumdonkey · 22/01/2017 01:31

I've been you and I advise you to call the police. I did but I waited until it got far worse. I did the right thing then and I look back 9 years later and my only regret is I didn't do it sooner.

SpareASquare · 22/01/2017 02:12

You need to ring the police.
What message are you sending your children for a start, if you don't. Do you want to teach them that this is normal behaviour? Or is this already THEIR normal? :(

MistressDeeCee · 22/01/2017 02:21

I don't want to call the police as it will scare the dc

I should think they're scared already, I would be petrified if I were them, not least that there's likely more violence to come that they will witness

Aren't you worried about your children? You seem to be all about him. & since when is mental illness an excuse for violence?

As unimaginably tough as things must be for you right now, put yourself and your children first. If you won't do it for yourself (& you should) then do it for your children. They've the right to not have to live in a situation like this, and you risk losing them if this goes further. No man is worth that and I can't see what on earth you imagine staying with him will achieve

Original poster
luckyusername · 22/01/2017 06:59

This is the first time it's happened. He has schizophrenia and depression. I've had such a bad nights sleep as the babies have been unsettled and I've had nightmares. I will have a talk with him when he's up but am strongly considering asking him to leave.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 22/01/2017 08:22

You can still call the police now, I would do so to get him removed from the property and to have the assault recorded

You must get him away from you and your children, and he must get help for his mental health, he can do that without putting the rest of you through hell

onanotherday · 22/01/2017 08:26

Don't talk to him. There is NOTHING he can say or do that makes this ok. If you think he would leave without a fuss then tell him. If not do you have rl support to stay with you while
he goes? Please talk to WA or phone the police. As with other posters I didn't call the police either...in small village and didn't want dcs scared..it esculated and dc's much more traumatised than one police visit. Good luck

RubyGoat · 22/01/2017 08:37

My DH has MH issues (depression, anxiety, possible mild schizophrenia or some other kind of sporadic absence disorder). Despite many years together, lots of rows, a lot of difficulties of various kinds etc, he's never hit me or even made me feel he might. MH issues are not an excuse for violence.

Creampastry · 22/01/2017 08:45

Make him leave ..... it will just get worse.

StumblyMonkey · 22/01/2017 08:48

Please don't minimise what he has just done based on his MH. I have bipolar disorder and have never hit anyone or been abusive in any way.

Please don't bring your children up in this environment. Call the police and/or women's aid tomorrow and start working out how to leave or how to lock him out x

fllinn · 22/01/2017 09:02

What will your children grow up believing if you don't call the police? That it is ok to hit people? That it is ok to hit women? That women should accept being hit?

If you call the police, they might grow up seeing police as being there to protect them from harm, and feel safe from future abuse.

Witnessing domestic violence has an enormous impact on children - they can feel helpless, protective of the victim, guilty that they couldn't stop it, anger and hatred towards the perpetrator, and live fear that it will happen again.

Frightening your children by calling the police is not what I would be worried about OP. I hope you seek help FlowersFlowers

ptumbi · 22/01/2017 09:11

OP - he's stressed and taking it out on you? Do you think he would do that to a person on the street? In Tescos? Why is it ok for him to do it to you? (it isn't!)
If yes, do you think that assaulted person would feel sorry for him and his MH issues? Do you think for one minute that person would not phone the Police? Why don't you?

Why do you matter less than a person on the street?

Why do your dC matter less? He is harming them by assualting you in front of them.

Get him out.

Wolfiefan · 22/01/2017 09:16

Call the police.
He needs to leave.
MH issues don't excuse assault.

M0stlyHet · 22/01/2017 09:33

lucky, I know you are in a state of shock and confusion, and that seeing clearly is terribly hard (especially when you love him, and you have a built-in set of excuses -mental health issues - to make you think that love means ought to stay.)

But (I speak as someone who watched her sister through 20 years of an abusive marriage) he has to go. If not now, then a year, 5, 10, 20 down the line - by which stage irreparable psychological damage will have been done to you and your children. And you need to call the police. When you do split, what would be best for your children - unsupervised access by someone who uses their mental health problems as an excuse to be violent, or supervised access? If you want the latter, you need the paper trail.

I know this is a horrible shock. I know the levels of minimising and denial you'll be wrapping yourself up in. I really do understand the reasons - it's an instinctive psychological defence mechanism. It happens to be the wrong one, but it's instinctive and many many women react the way you're doing. I've seen it close up and personal. But please listen to the many posters on this thread, including those who've been where you are now - in fact, especially those who've been where you are now - and call the police.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/01/2017 11:01

You know this isn't acceptable because you've posted here asking for help. Do you need someone's permission to leave? I give it to you, so does everyone else on here. I promise you, I swear it, if you don't leave he will eventually start on your children. His mental health problems are his responsibility and if he can't be safe around you he needs to remove himself so he can't hurt you or the kids (though he's now damaged them already). You can't fix him, the love of a good woman is not the cure. You can only rescue yourself and your kids before this escalates, as I absolutely swear to you it will. Call the police and WA and get out NOW.

fulberoo · 22/01/2017 15:16

I have mental health issues. I am a man. I have never hit anyone.

Call the police.

Original poster
luckyusername · 22/01/2017 16:30

Today has been strange. One minute he's ok the next his face is filled with rage. He's been switching moods all day

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 22/01/2017 16:45

Get yourself and your kids away from him.

SandyY2K · 22/01/2017 16:48

Isn't he medicated for his schizophrenia? If he can't control his anger to the extent of hitting you in front of the DC, then he's a danger and can do it again.

Not only that, but if you don't take action, he'll see it as you accepting it and it will become okay in his mind.

As well as protecting yourself, you need to protect your DC. Seeing your mum being hit is traumatic for a child. For the sake of your DC, you need to take action.

Original poster
luckyusername · 22/01/2017 17:01

I don't want to call the police . What else can I do

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/01/2017 17:05

You need to call the police.
Full of rage? Around the kids?
He needs to be somewhere safe away from you. Tonight.

BishopBrennansArse · 22/01/2017 17:06

Call the police. Sounds like he's either a risk to you and your children or to himself. He doesn't sound well.

Or an ambulance. He may need sectioning.

Regardless you need to protect your children now and stop doing things to protect him because ultimately you're not protecting him you're enabling abusive behaviour that your kids don't deserve to live with.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/01/2017 17:09

It's not really a case of what you want to do anymore, it's what you need to do

fulberoo · 22/01/2017 17:10

Call the police. This man could literally kill you in front of your children. But that's fine because you don't want to hurt his feelings?

ohfourfoxache · 22/01/2017 17:12

I know you don't want to Lucky, but you have to.

You must report this.

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