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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't love me anymore

59 replies

Jasmine13 · 21/01/2017 21:06

So 2 weeks ago my husband of 6 years told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to move out. We have a 4 year old to whom he is an amazing dad and who she absolutely adores. He said he has felt like this for a while but tried to carry on but now just doesn't feel like he can do it anymore. I fully accept that things haven't been 'right' for a while but had no idea things had gotten this bad. I love him with all of my heart and have asked him to give it another go and that I will change but he says he has made up his mind. We have only very recently bought our house so he is still living in the house.

I just wanted to know if anyone has been in this situation and what you did. I am praying he will have a change of heart. We have had some financial difficulties recently and also the stress of moving may have just all caught up with him. He says he hasn't met anybody else and I believe him. I have tried talking to him and he says he doesn't fancy me anymore.

I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
IronDuchess · 21/01/2017 22:16

Someone once told me that a man never leaves a relationship unless he has someone else already or that he thinks that there is a strong chance that there will be soon. I guarantee there is someone else OP. I hope he's honest with you soon. Sorry OP.

OnionKnight · 21/01/2017 22:21

Or maybe there is nobody else and he's genuinely fell out of love with the OP?

The OP not working and co-sleeping with her child would test most marriages.

perhapstomorrow · 21/01/2017 22:21

My dh said "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Everyone on my thread 6 years ago said there was another ow. I said no way. ....not the time, not the type. I ended up digging and everyone was right. Don't believe your dh... dig around.....phone records & bills. I bet you will find something or someone.

Sorry OP.Flowers

Hidingtonothing · 21/01/2017 22:36

I agree with PP's I'm afraid OP, there will more than likely be someone else. I think things either have to be really bad, which if you say you hadn't realised they were doesn't ring true, or they have someone something else to go to.

I would be digging like crazy, I could accept my DH not wanting to be with me anymore but not being lied to about the reason. Why should you be beating yourself up about changes you 'should' have made if the truth is he's just found someone else? He's making you look inward and blame yourself which is handy if he has something to hide and doesn't want to be the bad guy.

Time to (discreetly) start checking his story OP, he probably hasn't even bothered covering his tracks too carefully if he knows you don't suspect. We'll be here to help you pick up the pieces when you find what you're looking for but yes, absolutely get some RL support around you Flowers

Passthebiscuitspls · 21/01/2017 22:45

I'm sorry my lovely but I guarantee there is someone else. My husband has just done this to me and swore there's no one else. There is! I've just uncovered all the lies to uncover a big, fat, affair!

Get your ducks in a row. Financially I mean. Look after you and your daughter now. It will all come out in the wash and you will find out. Xx

SingingSilver · 21/01/2017 23:11

I don't work due to not having any family nearby and not being able to afford childcare and this put a massive strain on us financially. I should have tried to do something at home to bring in some extra money.

Your dd belongs to both of you, she is not just your responsibility. There aren't many things you can do at home to make money while taking care of your child. I find it hard enough to work with my foster cat fussing around my laptop! Unless he was offering workable solutions and you were ignoring them, you are blameless. Taking care of your dd and the home is valuable work. Your DH would find that out if he had to pay people to do it. It sounds like you are feeling guilty, or being made to feel guilty, over things you've been left to deal with alone.

Did he mention how he was planning to separate from you? If you have money issues and no family locally presumably he will have to stay in the family home for the foreseeable future, and you're already sleeping apart... If he says he has somewhere to go, I suspect it's more that he has someone to go to.

Don't start looking for work now to pacify him. You have been your dc's primary carer for four years and you and your dd live in the family home. Family courts prioritize consistency for the child.

pinkcandyflossy · 21/01/2017 23:40

If there is no one else can you ask him what the negative is to you trying again? The daughter in her own room, date nights, being nice to each other, if there is no one else this is not dead yet in my opinion.

ThatsPlenty · 21/01/2017 23:49

Sorry for what you're going through OP. Same thing happened to me and you can bet there was another woman. It took 6 weeks of digging to find the proof(phone records). When it all finally came out , he changed into the nastiest most hateful person.

Just be prepared. I also found that the other woman was calling all the shots in the background, telling him when to see DD etc, anything to get him and I arguing. She must have felt very insecure when he and I were getting along.

SherlockStones · 21/01/2017 23:51

Every time a man wants to leave here there has to be someone else? Dear God.

Sorry to hear this, I'd say take all the projection and rubbish statistics with a pinch of salt OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2017 00:02

Sherlock if there is nobody else it will be the first "my husband says he doesn't love me" thread on MN without an OW that I have read in all my years of being here. And I must have read hundreds of almost identical word-for-word threads just like this in that time.

It's depressingly common I'm afraid.

If there not an OW I will eat my hat.

Sammygold · 22/01/2017 00:10

Whilst I agree that in many or even most cases there is another woman, to state categorically that there is always someone else is nonsense. And what is the point of going through the stress of rooting around for evidence? I know it hurts like hell, OP, but I think your emotional energy should be invested in accepting the painful truth that it's over . Everyone has the right to end a relationship that they're not happy in. Of course it is best if he's honest with you but that won't change the fact that he's checked out of the relationship.

TheStoic · 22/01/2017 01:36

But it will hopefully prevent the OP from believing that everything is her fault.

scaredoffallout · 22/01/2017 04:52

The OP not working and co-sleeping with her child would test most marriages.

The first is definitely not true. The second might lead to a lack of closeness over time but did your husband ever say this to you OP, that he wanted to share a bed with you again?

LucyLocketLostIt · 22/01/2017 07:02

How are you OP?

Your immediate priority right now is getting emotional support from someone in real life.

Second, get him out of the house.

It's a grieving process from now on I'm afraid.

It will be awful for a long time but you will come out the other end a stronger person.

Sammygold · 22/01/2017 07:11

But it will hopefully prevent the OP from believing that everything is her fault..
Taking all the blame gives the OP the impression that it was/is within her power to change the outcome. However part of accepting that it's over and starting to let go is being able to desist from doing just that.

Fairylea · 22/01/2017 07:54

Op having your child sleeping with you and him being the only one working hasn't ruined the marriage. Please don't think that. If he was unhappy about the arrangements (and many married couples aren't) then he should have talked to you about it and given you both the chance to change things before getting to this point. Lots of couples co sleep. Bed isn't the only place for intimacy!

My dh left me for an ex he'd found on Facebook. He had become emotionally close to her, messaging her late at night while I was exhausted (from working full time and thyroid problems) and sleeping and when he would go and visit his Mum where we used to live he had been meeting up with her as well. I didn't suspect a thing until it all came out that he didn't love me anymore and he then upped and left in 2 weeks and neither dd nor me every saw him since.

I am now happily remarried and we have been through some very difficult times - including having a child with severe asd and learning difficulties, dh having a breakdown and a house that literally fell down around us- but we have never been closer and have worked through every issue together. Some people are just not cut out for marriage and check out emotionally very quickly and this leads them open to new people and new relationships. That's my view anyway.

None of this is your fault .

AntiqueSinger · 22/01/2017 08:07

I think you should stop blaming yourself! It's preventing you from directing your snger where it needs to be, which is at his selfish, self-entitled, weak, deluded arse. If he knew how he felt, well guess what? He should have sat you down and said 'lately I've been feeling XYZ about things and I think we need to start doing ABC TOGETHER so that we can fix things, because otherwise I fear we are not going to make it' Isn't that the responsibility of marriage? Or did he tell himself that marriage is only worth keeping as long as it 'feels' the same as it did when you first get together and there are no children around? So now he's prepared to walk out on you and your child for what exactly......Please tell me what he's going to find that's better? Lets assume he finds someone else, will it not just eventually end up in the same place? He sounds immature. And if he wanted you back in his bed, he should have spelled it out to you in plain English.

Essentially what I'm trying to say is: You're taking this all on yourself, and I'm sure you've made mistakes, who doesn't?! but despite not being 100% happy, you've not wavered in your committment, not mentally, not emotionally. He, however, has had no such inhibition or compulsion. Regardless of whether there is another woman or not, you have every right to feel betrayed and angry, so pllleeeaaase stop berating yourself and take a fresh look at him. He's not the man you thought he was.

Meandyou72 · 22/01/2017 08:10

There is not always someone else. I left my wife because she changed beyond recognition from the person she was prior to marriage. She became very lazy, snappy, judgemental, possessive and being kind completely let herself go.

I just fell totally out of love with her.

I left and was single for 2 years after.

Having your child in bed with you for that long is a mistake if you want to keep your relationship alive. He may have met someone else but might not.

Even if he has, I'm not really sure what difference it makes other than in your opinion of him. Is he wants out he wants out regardless of reason and that may not change whatever you do.

My ex made some token effort to try to get me to change my mind but it was too late. The love had died.

AllTheLight · 22/01/2017 08:20

Don't blame yourself, OP. He should have talked to you if he was feeling this way about the marriage. Have you suggested counselling?

I'm afraid it does sound like there may be an OW Sad

Original poster
Jasmine13 · 22/01/2017 08:26

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who took the time to reply. It's amazing how much better you can feel after talking about it - even if it is on a forum of strangers. I definitely have a lot to think about.

As many have said, my priority is my daughter so I am going to find out about changing her primary school choice to move closer to my family. I don't know how easy this will be.

With regards to marriage counselling - I have thought about this but not mentioned it to him yet. I feel I need to dig deeper to find out if there is somebody else first.

I have strangely woken up feeling a lot stronger and hopeful about the future.

OP posts:
DowhatIwanttodo · 22/01/2017 08:36

I think it's cruel to tell you he doesn't love you or fancy you any more. In a relationship there are peaks and troughs and sometimes you go through periods where your feelings change towards your partner (I know mine did) and that's completely normal.

The fact he is so adamant it is over and he didnt discuss his concerns before does suggest he has met someone. Maybe he didn't tell you before as you were moving house and he went along with it but can't any longer.

Having said that, my marriage broke down and neither of us had met anyone else but we were struggling for two years and we both knew it, and one day something happened that was the final straw and he left. It's different for you as its come out of the blue.

smartiecake · 22/01/2017 08:47

You are going to need the support of your family around you so moving sounds like a good idea, are if they can help with practical things like picking your DD up from school then even better. One day at a time, he sounds like an arse

LucyLocketLostIt · 22/01/2017 09:11

You sound really strong Jasmine. Well done.

I moved closer to my family and it was the best decision I could have made.

Just be aware that you may need his agreement before you can change your daughter's school as he has equal parental responsibility.

Is there someone you can speak to about all this in real life?

Regarding digging around, I realise you want to know the truth. Try not to let this delay what you need to do though.

In some ways, it's irrelevant. He has already told you everything you need to know. He is no longer committed to you.

He will have known this for some time. He has a massive head start on you. This is why it's important not to delay.

If you have any joint savings, now is the time to sort that out. Don't let him leave you high and dry.

Original poster
Jasmine13 · 02/02/2017 20:52

Hi everyone. Just an update of sorts.

Firstly I'm pretty satisfied that there is no other woman. I'm not being delusional but I fear he might be having some sort of mid life crisis.

He is still living at home - mainly because he has nowhere else to go. He says he wants to eventually move out (after splitting half the money from the house, which won't be much) and work at his career.

A bit of a background on him - he is a very giving person and has advantage taken of him from various family members. I guess he feels like I did the same as I wasn't giving any financial help. He is in the frame of mind of thinking he is now going to do what he wants for once. If spoken to a few members of family now and they are all really shocked as this is so out of character for him. As I have said previously, he is a very loving dad and I would never in a million years thought he would even consider living away from her.
He also comes from a broken family and has had issues with depression in his teens. He says this is not the same.

He is still adamant he wants to leave and has no attraction towards me and doesn't love me in that way.

Do I just agree to the separation or try and get him help?

OP posts:
OldLibrary · 02/02/2017 20:58

You should agree, you can't help him.

The only way that he might see sense is if he realises what he stands to lose. Be firm, leave him to it.

I know you are sure there's not, but I would be almost sure there's OW, even if it's just an attraction.

Tell him to leave, and make you and your life the best you can. Make plans for separation and divorce.

It's not depression, or anything you can fix. It's shite, but you need to plan for life without him.