I don't want it to be over

[Chlandy]

Hi,

So I've wrote on here before and got some sound advice so trying again...

I nearly gave up with my partner a few weeks ago due to his lack of support, anyway after seeking advice I spoke to his family we had a big intervention a lot came out and he has PND. However, since it has come out he has been so supportive, still not 100% confident with our son (10 weeks old), but has supported me in other ways, getting baths ready for me, getting bottles, looking after baby when I'm with him to support etc.

However, past couple of days he's been less supportive then today he said he was going out for 2 hours to play pool with his dad... It's now been 8 hours and he's turned his phone off. We had plans for tonight, takeaway night and he was going to take our son off my hands as he's been quite unsettled last few days and I'm exhausted. Well he hasn't come home, isn't with his dad anymore and with his friend who is a massive bad influence. He's got our only bank card and left me with no food in as he was bringing the shopping home on way back (don't even have milk or bread, baby has all he needs tho as I keep stocked up). Now I've been strong and told his friend to tell him not to bother coming back as I'm sick of his selfish ways... Deep down I'm hoping and praying he comes back as I love him so much, but he is really selfish. He's 30 years old and he's just not grown up. I appreciate the PND but is this an excuse? Am I being harsh?

I'm so scared of being a single mum, but I don't think I can handle anymore. I need a happy home for my baby. So sad, how do I deal with all this?

Thanks for reading X

Being depressed isn't an excuse for eating like a twat, no.

Can men even get PND? Isn't it a hormonal thing after you've actually given birth?

*acting like

You are not being harsh. He needs telling!

You should not be left with no food and him switching his phone off for eight bloody hours. Ok he has PND, maybe a little give on that part...but this? No.

He is the other parent. Time he stepped up to the plate.

Re:PND for men. Maybe?

Dunno. But fact is he is being a fanny right now

Thank you that's reassuring, as he often makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong or being psycho. I just can't switch off or stop crying and I need to hold it together for my son... Argh! How do you switch off and think their loss rather than heart break? I'm asking an impossible question, I just hate this feeling, feel physically sick the man I love and father of my son can behave like this 😔

Who was he diagnosed with PND by?

I thought his dad was sort of supervising him to make sure he didn't go off the rails, what happened to that?

You've told him not to come back even though he's got the bank card. How are you going to get food?

He hasn't got PND! He might be having a reaction to having a baby's needs put before his own, but that is far from PND.

He's a total prick, a child. I really never heard of PND for a man - frankly it sounds like a total excuse for behaving like a loser. Has he always been a pointless person (ie before the baby)?

He's doing what a woman simply can't do after a new baby. I'm so so sorry for you. Big hugs.

I'm not sure he's worth keeping at all. You only want one baby to look after..

PND doesn't manifest itself in the parent leaving the house to go shopping and then going on the piss with his mates.

Quite right Imperial

I have and am being treated for PND, and although I don't agree with his behaviour, it has made me do some silly, selfish and totally out of character stuff. I look back now, on the road to recovery, and am ashamed of the way I was

His dad was and that's how he's been more supportive, but he opened up to his dad more than me and his dad suggested a docs appt, I went with him to gp who said he has PND. Apparently men can get it as there hormones represent a females after labour and with a new baby, it can start as daddy blues but that usually subsided after 1-2 weeks, any further presents as PND. Ive told him not to come back because I know if he comes home I will argue and I don't want the shouting or bad atmosphere for my son, I'd rather he didn't be around it. I can survive without stuff tonight and I'll be able to draw cash out at an RBS machine in town tomorrow with a code from the bank. No he was the love of my life and we had an almost perfect (say almost cos nobody is perfect ha!) relationship before the pregnancy and baby (we planned baby and was trying for over a year so didn't come as a shock!) he's just changed so much I don't recognise him anymore and it's hurting me more because of how I knew him beforehand. It sounds wrong but I'm feeling stronger as time goes by, but also horrendously scared about being a single mummy, biggest respect to any single mummy's because it scares me to death! I really don't know what I'm asking or wanting to hear, I just feel alone, confused and pretty fed up 😔 thanks again everyone for reading and replying, I appreciate all comments X

PND ?

What a fucking crock, op

Who told you that shit ? Wise up, fgs

Oh please. GP's aren't psychiatrists.

Men's hormones can't 'represent' (do you mean replicate?) women's hormones! That's a scientific impossibility.

There was a study (www.pnas.org/content/early/2011/09/02/1105403108.abstract) in 2011 I think, showing a temporary drop in testosterone levels in men after the birth, but that's nothing to do with depression of any kind, never mind Pnd. Perhaps the GP has somehow conflated that with PND in men which doesn't seem to be that well researched.

To cut a long story short he's taking the piss OP.

God I thought I had heard it all. What a load of BS. OP he is taking the fucking piss.
You'll be better off on your own with just one baby to look after.

Men can get PND! The nct site as some info on it.
The important thing is what is he doing about it though? What did the gp recommend?
I posted on here myself about my boyfriend struggling being a dad (not pnd) got some really good advice. That he has to want to get better, I can't do it for him.
I've taken a step back from our relationship and it's really helping, not always easy though, I've had a few wobbles. On his part he's getting help for his issues and spending time with dd. It's still early days, but he seems to making progress. He knows he's on his last chance if he wants a relationship with me though.
If you have supportive family and friends, let them help you.
If you have to go it alone, you will and you'll cope just fine. Take care of baby and yourself, encourage him to get help from his family!

It looks as if there is some inconclusive evidence for PND in men but equally there is evidence that, whatever the reason, this guy is acting like a dick.

I have no medical qualifications but can confidently diagnose your DH is a selfish, entitled arsehole. The fact he has shown it so early is actually a good thing although it may not seem so. You can get rid, and get on with your life so much the sooner rather than still be going through this in five, ten years etc with even fewer options.

If you think it is still salvageable, still get rid as above. It may be that a genuine shock, and the reality of what he is throwing away might work though I am dubious. Otherwise expect more of the same. He's showing you what he is. Take note.

Sorry yes I meant replicate. Apparently it's quite common in new fathers, also known as paternal depression, but that's just what our gp said he hasn't been referred for any other support etc, just given a number to ring and offered medication if he doesn't improve so not the most helpful I must admit. I'm not using it as an excuse for his behaviour, I was checking that I wasn't being harsh by not letting it be an excuse. He still hasn't turned his phone on so I have no idea where he is or where he'll stay, but I have my beautiful boy snoozing away next to me and realise with or without him I'll never be lonely whilst I have my son. I'll be the first to admit I'm a mug and look for excuses because I love him and want the perfect little family but guess it's not always reality. Just wish I could switch them feelings off sometimes, but bet we've all felt that one time or another and I certainly won't be the last to feel it!

And tomorrow when he rocks up with a shit eating excuse ?

I've certainly made enough excuses for my Stbxh shit behaviour. i wish I had listened to people telling me I was being a complete pathetic mug.

And tomorrow when he rocks up with a shit eating excuse ?

Fuck off. Would be my response.

Mine too. But what will op do ?

You poor thing. You sound so supportive when he should be the one supporting you too. It's a massive life event and so I can totally see how it can trigger depression in men as well as women but that doesn't excuse his selfish and irresponsible behaviour.

If he's not willing to take positive action to tackle his mood (getting pissed will do the opposite of help) then you're better off without him. Let him know you're willing to work with him to get him better but that it has to be give and take with consideration to one another.

Sending lots of love.

Sounds like he's retaliating from his new life. I can totally understand why some men do struggle with having a baby, but running away from the problem isn't going to help anyone. I actually don't know what to suggest other than have a proper chat with him about what you both need right now to get used to the new life?