Should I apologise to DP following an argument?

[Limitedsimba123]

He got quite upset and went to bed early, so now I feel guilty.

I'm currently on mat leave and we have a 4 month old DD. Since starting mat leave I've noticed how little time we actually spend together and it's starting to annoy me.

He does work incredibly hard - long hours in a stressful job. It sometimes involves working away. His position is salaried and he is expected to log on at home after work and respond to emails/complete reports etc. When at home he is usually glued to his works tablet, but does play with DD for 5 minutes here and there. He also often does paid overtime including Saturday mornings - we don't exactly need the extra money but he is often pressured into doing it by his boss. I would say he works 60 hours plus a week.

In comparison my job is relatively easy - 9 to 5 in an office with a 40 minute commute each way. As such I do all cooking, cleaning and laundry which I am happy to do.

Prior to pregnancy we spent every Saturday together watching our local football team, both home and away games. On Sundays DP participates in a hobby that takes him out of the house from 8:30 until 4:30, and I spent that time visiting friends and family. He also does hobbies on Wednesday and Thursday evenings for at least 2 hours each day, and goes to the pub for an hour or two every Friday evening after work.

When I was pregnant, we agreed that when our DD arrived DP would continue to watch home games but would no longer attend away games to ensure that we had 2 days each month to spend as a family.

However, he still goes to quite a few away games (2 of the last 3) and today bought tickets for next weeks away game. I got annoyed, and told him that I felt he spent next to no quality time with me and our DD as it was and couldn't understand why he would rather spend time doing his hobbies than with us.

He feels that he spends plenty of quality time with us in the evenings. I said that with the amount of help I get from him with DD I might aswell be a single parent . He said that I should enjoy being a mum and spending time with our DD, not view it as a job and that if I'm not coping he will pay for childcare to give me a break. He said the single parent comment really hurt him and then stormed off to bed.

Now I'm feeling guilty and am wondering if I'm being unreasonable. Should I apologise?

Personally I would add up the time he actually spends with DD versus on his hobby and football. And then I would ask why she is so low down in his priorities. Hopefully he wants to spend more time with her than you so if she is third, does that mean you are fourth? His own wife doesn't even get into the top three?

But it isnt all work thats affectinghis work life balance! His hobbies and the pub are doing that! His working hours are not really that excessive!!

The Sunday hobby is ridiculous. That's the one day you could spend together as a family.

It's not cycling is it? I'm a bit of a cycling widow but to be fair on my oh he goes early on a Sunday so it doesn't disrupt the whole day and he spends all day Saturday with us.

I think you've been very patient and he needs to step up so stick to your guns.

Flowery - that is ideally what I would like him to do. The hobby that takes him out of the house all day on a Sunday is an event that he helps run/manage. I have suggested that he step down from running the event and just participate instead - this would mean he is out for 2 to 3 hours at most rather than all day. He thinks that is unnecessary as he genuinely believes that he spends adequate time with us in the week.

Yeah my husband works those hours, probably more, but has almost completely sacrificed his hobbies for our family, as did I at the beginning. We had just got to the point of both being able to get a good few hobby hours a week...and then decided to have another!

He knows kids grow up right? If he misses this time, it will be gone. Forever.

So he's refusing to cut down his working hours.

The next option is to look at your free time versus his free time.
Is he willing to discuss altering c this?
It sounds like hard work in all honesty.

Like I said my ex h was very similar.
Note, he is my ex h.

Make a spreadsheet and fill it together.
He can't argue with it.

I don't think you should apologise for the single parent comment. You have a job, it's not even like he's single handedly supporting you.

He's a rubbish dad. He only gives her a bottle once a week? When does he bath her, change her nappies or do any of the other things babies need? Plus you said you go out once a month and either your DP DM or MIL look after your DD. She's only 4 months old...so how often has he had her while you go out?

I think you should work on an early bedtime now.

Partly cos it's easy to do at this age, and once they get older it's much harder. I always started putting mine upstairs around 7/7.30 (basically rocked them asleep after a feed making sure they were changed and in sleeping bag before that feed) around this age and never deviated from that routine thereafter. And years later they go up at 7 like lambs cos they don't know any different.

Whereas friends who left them stay up to see Daddy home from work struggled as time went on to change it.

And also of course it will be very hard for him to protest he sees DD loads when.....he never actually sees her.

At the moment you are helping perpetuate the fallacy that he "helps".

Buy a video monitor and send her off to bed.

OP I wasn't saying the single parent comment was unreasonable, I was just showing how he'd perceive it. Believe me I've felt the same as you when my DC were younger.

I thought the comment re getting help was said in that way... Very annoying and designed to make you feel bad and 'knock' you as a mum.

Of course you enjoy time with DD, but needing a break doesn't mean you can't cope. The problem is that a great number of men, will never see how looking after your baby equates to a paid job.

I remember telling my DH I was exhausted and felt like I was on duty 24/7. He just didn't get it and never will.

I'm not impressed with the response from his company. That's terrible. Even if he has opted out, it doesn't remove their obligation around health and safety.

For the sake of your marriage and family, I think he should seriously consider looking for a new job, because in the long term, it's not going to get any better and will continue to cause problems. If that's how that company think, nothing will change.

The longer this goes on, the more resentful you'll become, which tends to result in emotional detachment from him.

At that point what often happens is you won't care if he's home or not, you don't feel a bond, which affects your physical relationship and it's a downward spiral.

Something has to change to make it work.

Interesting that he would rather pay for child care than you know parent his own child...

Lotso - he's had her twice whilst I've been out with friends. Both times I drank very little as I didn't want to be hungover the next day.

Elspeth - thanks, that was my thinking aswell. She is coming up to 5 months so I think with the video monitor and angelcare mat she should be okay. I will still sleep with her overnight. Hopefully this will show him how little he actually sees her, because telling him doesn't seem to be working. It's becoming a bit of a recurring theme.

Having a late bedtime so DD could spend time with DH was what worked for us.

Then I moved he bedtime by 10 mins a time in prep for her needing to be up earlier for nursery. They've already go to adjust to an hours difference twice a year anyway.

...That was by the by though as my DH actually spent quality time with our DH and do some parenting when he was not at work.

Sandy - yes I have encouraged him to look for a new job. He does enjoy his job and is doing well so I understand his reluctance to move.

Magoria - yes that was my response too. That's why I don't think I can go down the your free time v my free time route as he will just suggest putting her in nursery for a few hours.

Joys - at the moment my DD goes to bed with me at around 10:30 and only wakes for the day at 9:30/10 am so I do have to change this. When I go back to work we will need to leave at 7:30.

At 5 months I don't think I'd bother with the mat as they start to mooch a lot and you may find she'll be setting it off too much!

OP I'm afraid your DH is taking the piss tbh. Just announcing he's taking a day off for a lads weekend and you're left holding the baby is bang out of order. He needs to be told and step up to the plate. You're already resentful and it won't get better unless you get him told.

Thanks for the help everyone. I think I'm going to work on an earlier bedtime and then see if he feels differently.

So you're telling him he's it spending time with DD and he's not listening.

This goes a lot deeper than him and DD then doesn't it. He's basically saying he doesn't respect your opinion.

Completely agree with a pp's comment that it seems as if his life hasn't changed at all since having a baby, while yours has altered beyond all recognition. I had the same thing (many years ago) and tbh it caused a massive amount of resentment and bad feeling which damaged our marriage quite a lot.

He badly needs to wake up and see what is going on here - he is damaging the marriage and his relationship with his child. I would just say, though, that I think the sleeping separately is a bad idea. This will also be adding to the distance that seems to be opening up between you.

I think you should challenge him on his broken promise to give up attending away matches. That's an absolutely solid point. Going to 2/3 of them is not sticking to the agreement.

The problem with the rest of it, is that he's pretty ok with the way things are. He's absorbed in his online activities, so not much company for you - but he thinks his physical presence should satisfy you. He does the barest of minimums at home. he gets to do everything he has ever done. The only fly in the ointment really is that you're not ok wth it, but he can get you to stfu by making it that you 'can't cope', rather than the fact that he is completely disengaged from his new family life.

I think sleeping separately is a really bad plan, because you don't even get the intimacy of sharing a bed.

Can I ask what you gain from this relationship?
Is it financial security?
If it is and you are quite happy to always play second fiddle and put your independence on the back burner, then fine carry on.
If it's not then I'm struggling to see what he brings to the table.

I don't think his employer is being unreasonable.
They have offered him a less responsible role which quite fairly means working less hours for less pay.
It's not their problem that he chooses to spend his weekends away from his family.

Do not have another child with him. Your problems will increase 10 fold.

I'm sorry to say this but I don't think he will change without a huge fight.

He is part of a section of society that believes it's your job to sort the childcare.
He really is t that interested in you or his child.

Our ds is nearly 7 months. He goes to bed between 6.30 and 7. My DH works long hours and often doesn't see him awake during the week although he does do his best to get back for bath time a couple of days a week. The difference is that the whole weekend is spent with the family, no hobbies, no overtime. He also takes him on both sat and sun mornings to give me a lie in as ds is a hideous sleeper.

It strikes me that your DH views everything to do with the home and baby as your responsibility and, when he's got absolutely nothing else to do he will "help" you for a bit. The fact that he feels he can just book a weekend away without a second thought or even asking you backs that up. The baby is your problem, he can do what he wants.

I view it that I am on maternity leave meaning my current job is to look after ds during working hours. I will do what housework I can during that time but when WE decided to have a baby I didn't become a 24/7 nanny/housekeeper.

Personally I think all of the extra curricular stuff needs to be cut way, way down. He enjoys his job and it pays the bills so I understand he wants to prioritise that but if you have a very demanding job and a family then you have to make sacrifices elsewhere. It seems obvious that this has to be hobby time and pub time! If he wants to maintain the extra curricular stuff then he needs to move jobs to create more free time.

I really think you need to get a handle on this now otherwise you will return to work and all that will happen is that you will be expected to do everything you currently do and work at the same time.

Could you go away for the weekend and leave him in charge? Perhaps it would be a bit of a reality check?

I don't think you need to apologise and I do think you need to push this. He knows you are right, he'd prefer it if you didn't make his life difficult, he's hoping you'll just drop it and I don't think you can afford to. If this carries on you will resent him so much in a few years time it will cause big problems.

Good luck!

The problem with people saying oh stop sleeping separately is the toll of tiredness that will take on the OP. It's highly likely baby will wake more if in a different bed. Why should she sacrifice physical and mental health (sleep deprivation is no joke) for the sake of a man who doesn't respect her and engage with their daughter?

Actually I disagree with the poster who said his employer isn't being unreasonable. Just because that's the culture in the organisation doesn't mean it's right. If you're contracted to work 40 hours a week, but in reality are doing 50% extra on a regular long term basis, that's not okay.

There's an expectation for senior level employees to work extra hours, that's a given, but on a long term basis, it can have an impact on family life and health.

Companies do this because they get away with it, until someone challenges them.

I can also understand you DH wanting to spend time on his hobbies unwinding and doing sport, for the health benefits, especially with such a demanding job.

I can tell you these things do get easier as the DC get older. My advice would be:

~ To maintain the emotional connection between you and your DH
~Make time for the two of you as a couple (date nights)
~Stick to your guns about no more kids till things change. If he really wants more kids, this will be his motivation to change the current situation

Although, the last one didn't work for me, so we stuck at 2 DC. My reasons for refusing to have more were different from yours though.