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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Reasons to divorce my 'perfect husband'

49 replies

misswhatdoto2 · 20/01/2017 15:02

I've been to see a solicitor today regarding divorcing my husband. I'm on the 'marriages that aren't THAT bad' thread and have finally come to it that he will not agree to separate so this is my final option.
Solicitor asked me to come up with at least 4 reasons to Base it on unreasonable behaviour but I'm struggling!
On paper he is actually a perfect husband and father... I just don't love him anymore Sad

So far I have. ...

  • After arguing he will frequently not talk to me/ blank me for up to a week
  • He spends most evenings playingon his phone
  • not sure how to word this but when we've spoken about separating he emotionally blackmails me regarding our children so that I back down as feel like the worst mum in the world
  • during an argument about 5 months ago he punched a hole in the wall

Since our initial talk in 2015 he has stepped up with cleaning/ housework etc so can't even use that.

Has anyone managed to divorce a 'perfect' man before?? Confused

OP posts:
Offred · 20/01/2017 15:03

That doesn't sound like a perfect man to me and those reasons seem perfectly fine for unreasonable behaviour.

bigbuttons · 20/01/2017 15:04

he's not perfect.

Buggeritimgettingup · 20/01/2017 15:06

He emotionally blackmails you,is physically threatening,plays mind games to control you and you don't think that's enough?? It's enough he's far from perfect.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/01/2017 15:09

He sounds bloody abusive and most certainly not perfect!
Your first reason is called 'stonewalling abuse'
They are 4 very very good reasons for divorcing him.

Yankeedoodledickhead · 20/01/2017 15:09

You had me at after arguing he will frequently not talk to me/ blank me for up to a week…should anyone have to live their life like that? Being emotionally and psychologically abused?

Yankeedoodledickhead · 20/01/2017 15:09

Ugh bold fail

GelfBride · 20/01/2017 15:11

Tell your solicitor what you have put in your OP. That is all. If you consider it unreasonable, it is (up to a point). Failing that, wait and do it on separation.

Offred · 20/01/2017 15:11

Why don't you add - 'refuses to 'allow' me to leave him or accept that I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, insists I have to stay and that if I want to leave it is because I am 'wrong''

Offred · 20/01/2017 15:12

But TBH I would say separating is more important than divorcing.

He can't really stop you from moving out.

MrsJayy · 20/01/2017 15:14

He blanks you after an arguement for up to a week this is abusive , he uses the children against you this is abusive you have every right to divorce him his behaviour towards you is not loving husband behaviour

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2017 15:14

He's a shit immature husband. That's enough reason to divorce anyone.

Original poster
misswhatdoto2 · 20/01/2017 15:40

Thank you so much everyone! I felt a bit shit at the meeting today as on the spot i struggled to come up with anything apart from the first one!

As the divorce can take up to 9-12 months to be finalised, after discussing with my solicitor today I feel that I might as well start the ball rolling with divorce so that a clean break between us is made as soon as possible rather than separating and then divorcing further down the line. I just want out now and start living the life I want to

OP posts:
parklives · 20/01/2017 15:44

It does sound like it's time to go op. I am sure more reasons to divorce him will come apparent as you separate from how you describe his character.

cholla · 20/01/2017 15:44

Could one of the reasons be that he is refusing to cooperate in separating- that in itself seems quite controlling if you have told him you want to separate yet he is refusing.

Vagabond · 20/01/2017 16:10

Miss What To Do.....

Firstly, can I just say one thing: he's not abusing you. Anyone who says that is wrong. It's so wrong. You know it is. So he doesn't speak to you for a week... that's just controlling and mean. It's not abuse. He probably does that to you because he knows you don't love him anymore. He's just scared. Real abuse is very different and not like that at all.

But.... you only need one reason to leave him. You don't love him anymore.

I left my PERFECT HUSBAND 10 years ago. He did everything perfectly. He played with our DD for hours, read stories for an hour when DD was 6 months old every night, he did the cooking and washing and ....well, before I had a chance to do it, he'd already announced with triumph, that he'd done it. He drove me crazy. I ended up hating him. I could wash all the sheets and make the beds up on a Friday, and then wake up on Saturday to find all the beds stripped with sheets on the line.

I was so exasperated with him. I stopped loving him. I couldn't bear intimacy. I left him.

We now co-parent and get along very well. We joke about his OCD. His new house is immaculate and he is untainted by me and my personality.

I still love him, but "not like that". I wish he was my brother, because then we could still be a proper family.

My friends used to ask me what it was like to have such a perfect husband, and I was like....meh.....you try living with little miss perfect. Drives you fucking mad.

MLGs · 20/01/2017 16:13

That sounds bloody awful tbh.

Yankeedoodledickhead · 20/01/2017 16:19

Real abuse? What a stupid thing to say!

Abuse comes in many forms. If I was to call you a fucking arsehole, I've verbally abused you.

The definition of abuse.

  1. Use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose.
  2. Treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.
Original poster
misswhatdoto2 · 20/01/2017 16:21

vagabond I know the way he has acted is in reaction to the way I have treated him and is because he is scared. I hate telling some things but he really struggles to understand why my feelings have changed so keeps pushing until I tell him. Who wants to keep hearing from the person you love that they don't love you, don't want to sleep with you and doesn't want to spend the rest of their life with you??Sad it's a very unhealthy circle we keep going round and round in

But.. same as you, that is exactly how it is... I don't hate him and wish him the best but it is like living with a brother. I have no 'wife' feelings for him and truly believe we both deserve to be in relationships where we are loved and appreciated for who are. Not who we were or think we should be itms?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/01/2017 16:24

Vagabond really!?
WOW - you either know very little about all the forms of abuse or you have been badly abused so this seems 'not too bad' to you.
Stonewalling is a very well known form of abuse. Yes - ABUSE!!!
Punching walls is pure intimidation and again = ABUSE!
Emotional blackmail = ABUSE!!!!
Look it up - google it and get yourself educated.
The Womens Aid website could help you understand a bit more.

MrsJayy · 20/01/2017 16:29

Real abuse what is real abuse? The low level constant emotional abuse many women face would probably surprise you vagabond and it is very real

FeralBeryl · 20/01/2017 16:37

Vagabond as someone who lives with the knowledge that a mood change-(on many occasions I'm not even privy to why until about day 4) may result in complete blanking for days on end, including birthdays, believe me it's fucking torturous and I believe it's a very definite form of abuse.

mrssapphirebright · 20/01/2017 16:43

My dh divorced his seemingly perfect ex wife for the same reasons as you, just didn't love her anymore. he cited stuff like lack of intimacy, controlling / jealous behaviours, lack of support with his career, her depression.

He felt awful as they were all quite minor things. She went ape shit at the petition but had to accept it as contesting the divorce would be pointless and too costly for her.

She hates him for saying those things about her which were really unfounded. She has remained bitter ever since.

Bobochic · 20/01/2017 16:51

He refuses to engage in conversation with you and there is a breakdown in communication that you find intolerable.

Vagabond · 20/01/2017 16:52

Hey, sorry ladies.... don't get so het up.

I just think that when you have been truly abused - I mean being hit, locked out of your house, locked in a room, punched in the face in front of a room of people and nobody helped you, had your bag snatched with your house and car keys so you can't get home, having your husband report you to the school for being an unfit mother because you were late collecting the children from work.....

When you've had THAT fucking shit happen to you and the courts won't help you (only locked up for 4 hours?"), THEN you can tell me that your husband not speaking to you for a week counts for abuse.

Yes, of course it's shit to walk on eggshells around an asshole partner. And it feels shit. It might even be emotional abuse.

But if you want police to take abuse seriously, don't go to them with less than a compelling reason for them to intervene.... to do less, undermines all of us.

Vagabond · 20/01/2017 16:57

Yankee doodle whatever....

Since when did an insult become abuse?

A of of you seem to be suffering from "micro-aggrion, snowflake syndrome".

Can you go to court with "he ignored me".

If you try to, how does the woman with the black eye feel?

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