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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Reasons to divorce my 'perfect husband'

49 replies

misswhatdoto2 · 20/01/2017 15:02

I've been to see a solicitor today regarding divorcing my husband. I'm on the 'marriages that aren't THAT bad' thread and have finally come to it that he will not agree to separate so this is my final option.
Solicitor asked me to come up with at least 4 reasons to Base it on unreasonable behaviour but I'm struggling!
On paper he is actually a perfect husband and father... I just don't love him anymore

So far I have. ...

After arguing he will frequently not talk to me/ blank me for up to a week
He spends most evenings playingon his phone
not sure how to word this but when we've spoken about separating he emotionally blackmails me regarding our children so that I back down as feel like the worst mum in the world
during an argument about 5 months ago he punched a hole in the wall

Since our initial talk in 2015 he has stepped up with cleaning/ housework etc so can't even use that.

Has anyone managed to divorce a 'perfect' man before??

OP posts:

user1479305498 · 20/01/2017 16:57

My ex husband divorced me for adultery based on having a relationship with someone that started months after we had separated and whom I didnt know before the separation (separation instigated by me) and named that person, when he too was by then with someone else. I couldnt be bothered to contest it at the time--people do odd things when pissed off.

Yankeedoodledickhead · 20/01/2017 17:03

I've been abused Vagabond. So you can get off that high ground.

I was with a partner for 8 years who not only ignored me as a way to control my behaviour and buggered off at every opportunity leaving me without money but was also violent to me.

I was abused as a child by my mother who was also violent towards me but really it's the emotional abuse that has left the longest lasting damage.

So yes, I do know about abuse. Of many forms.

PollytheDolly · 20/01/2017 17:04

Technically it was adultery as you were still married. Same with me and my first marriage even though I tried to divorce him for UB, because I started another relationship in the meantime he went apeshit saying how dare I say such stuff about him. He was screaming down the phone. I just said do it then, I don't give a shit as long as we're divorced and soon.

My mother was not happy lol.

SandyY2K · 20/01/2017 17:06

I'm not sure I'd call being ignored after an argument is abuse. If either party is still annoyed with the other person after the argument and doesn't want to talk for fear of another argument, I don't see that as abuse.

Bearing in mind we don't know what these arguments are about. If my DH was for example unnecessarily critical of me or he did something I didn't like and refused to accept he was wrong or apologise, then chances are I'll ignore him (vital communication only), for a while.

It's clear that the arguing doesn't resolve the issues, hence the ignoring happens in the first place.

The bottom line is you don't need to have a reason, other than I don't love him or you don't want to be married to him anymore.

MrsJayy · 20/01/2017 17:29

vagabond that sounds horrific

Vagabond · 20/01/2017 17:29

Yankie, honey... I'm sorry for what you went through. And believe me, I feel your pain.
I've been where you're at and all the above.

We should support and unite to help each other.

I wish you the best to overcome your troubles.

I just think it's different to present yourself to a disinterested police force with a black eye than it is to present yourself to say that your husband has ignored you for 10 days.

It's hard enough to get recognition as it is.

If you can't see that, then you are part of the reason women don't report abuse. I say this without prejudice.

Original poster

misswhatdoto2 · 20/01/2017 17:31

sandy these have all been recently (past year) when arguing about separating because he doesn't want to.

I wish it was that easy to put as a reason I don't live him and have done with it

OP posts:

Original poster

misswhatdoto2 · 20/01/2017 17:32

**love him

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 21/01/2017 07:48

I wish it was that easy to put as a reason I don't love him and have done with it

The fact that you're struggling with reasons, suggests there's no major reason, you just aren't feeling it anymore. For whatever reason be it:

his actions towards you - you not being treated the way you want -him not being able to provide what you need or want in a husband

You no longer being attracted to him

Whichever of those it is, translate into you not loving him. Rather than trying find reasons under unreasonable behaviour, you may have to file under irreconcilable differences.

From what you've said, nothing screams out unreasonable behaviour.

You have one off isolated incidents and getting him to agree that he's behaved unreasonably will not be easy, especially as he doesn't want to separate or divorce.

If you take those examples to your lawyer and she agrees it constitutes unreasonable behaviour, then go for it, but expect him to fight you on it.

Remember you have to coparent in the future, so do your best not to make it more contentious than necessary, as your DC will be the ones who suffer the most.

PurpleWithRed · 21/01/2017 07:54

Can't you separate for two years (you can start from the minute you move to,the spare room) and then do a no-fault divorce?

DowhatIwanttodo · 21/01/2017 08:38

I think they all sound like major examples of unreasonable behaviour.

My solicitor asked me for a list of five or six examples. I gave him twenty. They didn't stop flowing.

He actually wrote it as a narrative and included my feelings eg it started when...then gradually... In a way it was all lumped in together, like a history of the relationship and how it went bad. I don't know if that is the norm

Can you say for example that you have felt intimidated by his aggressive behaviour including on one occasion when he punched a hole in the wall? Or there has been such a breakdown in communication that he spends most of his time on his phone?

Btw my exh went spare when he read the reasons and threatened to contest the divorce even though the final version was completely watered down, eg my solicitor left out the personal stuff like he didn't shower or clean his teeth all weekend.

Bitofacow · 21/01/2017 08:48

This is based on very little personal experience.

You can be in a relationship where the behaviour is unpleasant and unreasonable but it is not abuse.

You might want to leave, quite rightly, because you do not like this unpleasant and unreasonable behaviour, but know you were not abused.

You don't have to be abused to want to leave and that is OK.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/01/2017 08:58

Re: abuse having to be a black eye etc. No it bloody doesn't.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_abuse

I've been on a couple of courses about safety in the workplace where it was made clear that an insult is abuse, as is indirect violence such as punching walls. However, nobody's talking about arresting the OP's husband for it. The court referred to on this thread is a divorce court, not a criminal one, and the behaviours only have to be ones you are unable to live with.

It doesn't matter that some people have it worse, that some deliver the insults with shouts and threats, that sometimes physical violence is also involved. "He doesn't knock me about" should be a given, not a positive. Yes, a black eye would be abuse, but calling you a cunt, while never laying a finger on you, is also abuse, of course it is. (And the woman with the black eye would probably say hers is not abuse as she knows a woman who had her arm broken... and the broken arm woman said it was only one bone and he was really sorry after... and so on.) As is said so often on here (but still not nearly often enough), the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

CalamityKit · 21/01/2017 09:00

Of course it's different Vagabond but that doesn't mean your awful case was abuse while the OP's isn't. Let's say one person was forcibly held down and forced to perform oral sex on a man, and another was penetrated against their will - would you say to the one who "only" performed oral wasn't raped, because the penetration fits the definition of rape more clearly? You'd be wrong, as you are wrong here.

And the police, while they may not take "he ignored me once after an argument" as seriously as "he beats me for hours straight" would be very interested in "he regularly ignores me for any perceived slight, he emotionally blackmails me regarding our children in order to stop me from leaving, and he punched a hole in the wall". It's called coercive control, and its abuse.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, you need to stop thinking of him as "perfect" because his treatment of you is far from it.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/01/2017 09:00

Oh, but yes, I do agree with Bitofacow that it doesn't really matter whether it "qualifies" as abuse or not. You still have a right to leave a relationship that is not working for you.

Raaaaaah · 21/01/2017 09:08

I think that I would agree with vagabond that there is no need to demonise the guy. OP is leaving him so clearly she doesn't need convincing that things aren't right. Honestly if my DP announced that he had fallen out of love with me and was leaving with the kids I think that I might be prone to the odd fit of unreasonable behaviour. Sorry OP I know that that wasn't the question. I hope that you both find a amicable resolution and happiness the other side.

Fidelia · 21/01/2017 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Raaaaaah · 21/01/2017 09:27

MargeryFenworthy · 21/01/2017 10:55

Sounds awful. And a little familiar as have a friend who I suspect is in similar position. Husband is a dreadful sulk and gives her the silent treatment for days. Trouble is he is SAHD which is a help as she has busy career. They are due to emigrate this year which I fear is a big mistake but I can only be a shoulder for her to lean on. She needs to make her own decision.

Offred · 21/01/2017 10:56

I think some people are missing the point.

Abuse is always a criminal offence.

The OP is wanting to divorce her h citing unreasonable behaviour as grounds.

This requires she 'demonise' him, it is due to the silly way our divorce law works. Though someone who stonewalls, emotionally blackmailed and punches walls is rather demonising himself.

Offred · 21/01/2017 10:56

Is not always a criminal offence!

Raaaaaah · 21/01/2017 16:39

Thanks offred but I don't think that I'm missing the point. I understand that OP has to state reasons for her DHs alleged unreasonable behaviour. What I disagree with is all the PP who jump on the bandwagon saying DH is an abuser. He is a human being who has been told by the person he loves and had assumed he would be spending the rest of his life with that she is no longer in love with him. He has given her the cold shoulder and got frustrated. She is not wrong to state these as cases of unreasonable behaviour to get the divorce she wants but neither is he an abusive partner. He is probably just pretty heart broken. It is sad for both involved and all she needs is practical advice as to how to get the divorce she wants not a load of people condemning a man on the basis of some fairly tenuous evidence. By OPs own admission he isn't a bad man she has just fallen out of love with him. Rant over and best get tea on.

Porffor · 21/01/2017 17:51

I must admit I hadn't heard of stonewalling abuse, I knew that silent treatment isn't right and had warned my DH that my previous relationship broke down due to this. I've been 20 years together (17 married) now and have battled against silent treatment a fair few times with DH. It's definitely happening now that we've come to breaking point and agreed on him moving out.

Hope you get on ok OP and can move through the process of Divorce. i must admit I'm opting for separate then divorce as don't want to be together that long I don't think my mental health would cope with this over a prolonged period of time.

ModreB · 21/01/2017 17:58

After arguing he will frequently not talk to me/ blank me for up to a week emotional abuse

He spends most evenings playingon his phone emotional abuse
not sure how to word this but when we've spoken about separating he emotionally blackmails me regarding our children so that I back down as feel like the worst mum in the world emotional abuse and controlling behaviour
during an argument about 5 months ago he punched a hole in the wall physical abuse

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