Is your Mum a widow? Is she happy again now?

[littlecabbage]

Hi Everyone,

I am looking for some hope.... My lovely Dad died on 18th December 2016 at the age of 73. At the beginning of October, he was fit and well, went to the gym three times a week, volunteered at Citizens Advice Bureau twice a week, and did lots of DIY and gardening. Towards the end of October, he developed quite bad back pain and enlarged lymph nodes in his neck, and began to deteriorate quickly. A lymph node biopsy showed he had a highly aggressive, undifferentiated carcinoma (cancer) and that the prognosis was poor. He opted to start chemo, knowing that there was only about a 1 in 20 chance of it working, and if it did work, would only give him 6-12 months in remission. But unfortunately he died the day after starting chemo.

Needless to say, we are devastated. My parents were married for 43 years and thought they probably had at least ten years left together (my Mum is 70). To have it snatched away with so little time to prepare, has been particularly tough. I am grateful though that we at least had some warning, and were able to tell him how much we loved him.

I am 37, with a husband and three small children, and live an hour away from my parents' house. My older sister is single (with a very busy job) and lives an hour away from Mum in a different direction, and my younger brother lives in Australia. He has been staying with Mum since he flew home about 2 weeks before Dad died, but returned to Australia on Tuesday. So Mum is now living alone for the first time in her life. My sister and I between us are managing to visit 4 times a week, and Mum drives up to spend every Wednesday with me (she has done this ever since I had children and has just resumed doing so).

If I Google questions like "Can you be happy again after being widowed", all I find is bleakness. There are endless forums for bereaved people who are saying that even after 5 years, they are incredibly lonely and sad. I am hoping that this is because bereaved people who still feel lonely are much more likely to visit and post on such sites, and that there are many widows who do reach a point eventually where they are reasonably happy and content again (and don't think to post their more positive experiences on a bereavement site). Obviously still with a sadness for the person they have lost, as they can never be replaced, but able to feel as though their lives are still positive and full overall. Is this possible? I can't bear the thought of my Mum just "existing" until her time comes. I want her to be able to enjoy life again.

I have chosen to post this here, rather than in the bereavement thread, as I would like to hear from any people whose Mum's are widowed, not just those who are very recently bereaved, as I hope to hear that after some time has passed, it is possible to find some contentment and even joy. Please feel free to post all experiences, good or bad. Any advice for me to pass onto my Mum from those who have been through it themselves or watched/helped their Mum through it, will be gratefully received.

My Mum has always kept busy since retirement. She is in a couple of craft groups, a book group, and two choirs. She has a dog that gets her out walking. She enjoys spending time with her three grandchildren. But that still leaves a lot of time on her own in the house, and she finds evenings particularly sad and empty. She has started going back to some of her groups this week and appears on the surface to be coping reasonably well generally, but admits that when she thinks about it, she has little hope for the future without my Dad.

Thank you so much for reading this long post, and for any replies you can offer xx

My mother in law was widowed aged 65 after just over 30 years of marriage. She was very bitter about it as it happened so suddenly. This was 1990. In 1999 (31st December) my husband (her younger son) was diagnosed witha brain tumour and died in 2012 aged 50. I always think I have coped better than she has. She used to bring up the last christmas her husband had that wasn't up to her expectations and really rub it in. She never supported me and my husband's deteriorating mental state due to the brain tumour.
I'm now widowed just under 5 years, I am working and have a good life and fabulous children. I do not want another relationship as I have enough in my life to make me content.
I'm sorry for your loss OP

My mum was windowed in her early fifties after nearly thirty years together. She now has a new partner who is absolutely lovely and is happy again. Obviously she still misses my dad (they adored each other) but yes, it is absolutely possible. She was very determined not to end up like her aunt who became very depressed and bitter in the same situation.

My grandmother lost her husband about five or six years ago. She's had to spend a lot of that time looking after her own mother, but otherwise she's one of the most dynamic and sociable people I know, never dwelling on the negative, travelling all over - she came to visit me on my year abroad and saw more of the city then than during the six months I'd been there (squeezing in 3/4 tourist attractions a day)! She's coming up to 80 y.o. but had so much energy and has a real zest for life, keeping up with politics, latest art exhibitions, extended family and does a gruelling paper crossword every day. She doesn't want a partner because she's just too busy. I know she loved my grandfather, but her life is so full now - definitely not all doom and gloom after being widowed.

So sorry for your loss. My Dad died suddenly Christmas 2014.We had a couple of hours with him at the hospital to say goodbye but he died in surgery, it's a very painful memory. They were married for 55 years. He was the life and soul of our party and we couldn't imagine how we would cope without him , but we have. Luckily my sister and I live nearby and I see her twice a week , my sister more often. My mum doesnt drive and my Dad did all the finances so we have a power of attorney for her so that we can help out. we used to have a family dinner every Sunday but that was tooo painful to start with, so we went out a lot , walks, national trust etc. Things get easier with time , we talk about him all the time and laugh . Mum now has full control of the TV remote and no longer has to endure hours of motor sports and football !!! She is socially active and my sister and I speak to her everyday. She got a little rescue cat which keeps her company and I think she is content. It's a massive adjustment, she is 78, and holidays are now with us . Time will find you peace again .

My mum was widowed at 26 and again at 64. The first one was before I was born (I am child of second marriage) but she has never once instigated even a comment about her first husband and my mum and I are very close and open otherwise. She married again and had me then divorced. I don't recall her dating in between and she was a single parent until she met my step dad 25 years ago. They were peas in a pod and very very happy. He died in 2007 of prostate cancer. She was very very upset for a while but looking back she bounced back. I had dd1 in 2009 and I know having a grandchild to focus on helped an awful lot. She has done a day a week childcare for the last 6 years and copes very well with the dds.

We couldn't replace my stepdad and she's never tried to though there have been advances from other men. My mums stands on that is - well at our age they want someone to cook their dinner!!!