Is your Mum a widow? Is she happy again now?

[littlecabbage]

Hi Everyone,

I am looking for some hope.... My lovely Dad died on 18th December 2016 at the age of 73. At the beginning of October, he was fit and well, went to the gym three times a week, volunteered at Citizens Advice Bureau twice a week, and did lots of DIY and gardening. Towards the end of October, he developed quite bad back pain and enlarged lymph nodes in his neck, and began to deteriorate quickly. A lymph node biopsy showed he had a highly aggressive, undifferentiated carcinoma (cancer) and that the prognosis was poor. He opted to start chemo, knowing that there was only about a 1 in 20 chance of it working, and if it did work, would only give him 6-12 months in remission. But unfortunately he died the day after starting chemo.

Needless to say, we are devastated. My parents were married for 43 years and thought they probably had at least ten years left together (my Mum is 70). To have it snatched away with so little time to prepare, has been particularly tough. I am grateful though that we at least had some warning, and were able to tell him how much we loved him.

I am 37, with a husband and three small children, and live an hour away from my parents' house. My older sister is single (with a very busy job) and lives an hour away from Mum in a different direction, and my younger brother lives in Australia. He has been staying with Mum since he flew home about 2 weeks before Dad died, but returned to Australia on Tuesday. So Mum is now living alone for the first time in her life. My sister and I between us are managing to visit 4 times a week, and Mum drives up to spend every Wednesday with me (she has done this ever since I had children and has just resumed doing so).

If I Google questions like "Can you be happy again after being widowed", all I find is bleakness. There are endless forums for bereaved people who are saying that even after 5 years, they are incredibly lonely and sad. I am hoping that this is because bereaved people who still feel lonely are much more likely to visit and post on such sites, and that there are many widows who do reach a point eventually where they are reasonably happy and content again (and don't think to post their more positive experiences on a bereavement site). Obviously still with a sadness for the person they have lost, as they can never be replaced, but able to feel as though their lives are still positive and full overall. Is this possible? I can't bear the thought of my Mum just "existing" until her time comes. I want her to be able to enjoy life again.

I have chosen to post this here, rather than in the bereavement thread, as I would like to hear from any people whose Mum's are widowed, not just those who are very recently bereaved, as I hope to hear that after some time has passed, it is possible to find some contentment and even joy. Please feel free to post all experiences, good or bad. Any advice for me to pass onto my Mum from those who have been through it themselves or watched/helped their Mum through it, will be gratefully received.

My Mum has always kept busy since retirement. She is in a couple of craft groups, a book group, and two choirs. She has a dog that gets her out walking. She enjoys spending time with her three grandchildren. But that still leaves a lot of time on her own in the house, and she finds evenings particularly sad and empty. She has started going back to some of her groups this week and appears on the surface to be coping reasonably well generally, but admits that when she thinks about it, she has little hope for the future without my Dad.

Thank you so much for reading this long post, and for any replies you can offer xx

Sorry for your loss OP. It's so tough losing a parent. My father died 3.5 years ago when he was almost 70 (I was 31 and my mum was 67). He'd had the dreaded C for 7 years so we had more time to 'prepare' ourselves than your family, although it's shitty either way.

I would echo previous posters, my mum isn't blissfully happy but she's content and has got on with life as he would have wanted her to. She's members of sports clubs (tennis etc) and frequently meets friends for lunch/walks etc. I often say she has a better social life than me!

She also travels extensively (China and Australia/New Zealand last year and then she's off to Burma in a few weeks time). I strongly encourage her as she won't be able to travel forever and travelling was one of her and my father's passions.

I don't know if she will meet anyone else, but I would support her as I think it would be nice to have a companion to enjoy life with.

She also met a group of friends through the bereavement counselling group at the hospice where my father died. Not everyone is her cup of tea (some of them are old fogeys apparently!) but she's met some great people there. The group is very active - dinners, theatre etc, they even go on holiday together once a year! I hope the group your mum gets involved with is as active and friendly as it's definitely opened a new avenue for friendship and support for my mum.

I speak to my mum frequently and see her more often than I perhaps would if my dad was still around (she lives about an hour away from us). For the first couple of years we went away for the anniversary of his death/his birthday or she came to stay with me as I didn't want her being alone in their house.

It sounds like you and your sister/brother are doing a fantastic job at supporting your mum and I'm sure visiting you and your DC each week will be a welcome distraction. Remember to take time for yourself too, you're grieving as well.

So sorry for your loss op

Not my mum but my nan was widowed in April 2016. My granddad died from cancer and they had been together for 50 years.

She has mostly been very honest about her feelings and has recently talked about how she's feeling more 'herself' lately. Like some sort of normality is finally returning to her life. Of course things are never going to be the same and she still gets upset - we went to a supermarket recently and the last time she had been to that particular supermarket was with my granddad so she got a little upset in the car after that.

Luckily all the family live locally, I go and see her and we go shopping or what ever twice a week, my cousin goes round after school, she goes to my uncles once a week for dinner, her niece visits once a week and my aunt recently moved back home too. She's friendly with her neighbours so she's not short of company. When she is alone she keeps herself busy around the house or in the garden (her pride and joy) and had 2 cats who she adores. She has no interest in ever finding another man but she is content with this.

It's incredibly hard but a lot of people, eventually, manage to find their new 'normal'.

*April 2015

My mum has been a widow for 20 years and MIL for 9 years. They both seem to have found contentment and say they are not lonely. My mum is an introvert so is content with her own company most of the time. MIL is more outgoing and has more friends. Both are elderly and housebound.

My mum was devastated after my dad died.
After a while she rediscovered herself and traveled the world.
She remarried, to a man who truly loved her and nurtured her until the end of her life.
Life goes on.

My mum lost my dad at age 76 after 52 years of marriage. Dad had a degenerative neuro condition so his death, when it came, was truly a blessed release.

Mum grieved, but she also continued living. They aren't mutually exclusive. She and some other older widows at her church formed a little group and called themselves 'The Amazing Greys'. They had Bible study, played cards, 'did' lunch, visited shut-in. In time, she became truly happy with her life. She always missed Dad, but she knew that he wouldn't want her to live in sorrow for the rest of her life.

Mum never wanted another man. She said that after Dad no one would ever be able to measure up. And she was right, they truly broke the mold when they made Dad. And truthfully, I think she valued her independence too much to chance it. She was Dad's caretaker for so long and her life was restricted by his illness. She never resented it one jot, but I'm sure she also enjoyed being able to travel and come and go as she pleased.

So sorry to hear of your loss OP. I hope you're keeping your chin up through this tough time.

My mum was widowed at the end of May 2016, after dad had battled cancer for 13yrs. She is toxic, so I have gone NC for my DC's sake. I would not want her in my life due to what she has said about me and her behaviour towards me and my DC. Many close family friends have turned against me due to mum telling them lies about things I've supposedly done/said.

She would do well as a journalist for the Daily Fail as she love to get involved in scandal and drama, and is quick to tell everyone who will listen, that x did this, or y said that, when neither of those folk did anything of the sort.

I don't wish her to be miserable for the rest of her life, but if she was miserable, for the rest of her life, I couldn't bring myself to care, due to what she put me through emotionally, mentally and physically as a child/teen/adult.

My mum never met someone else, but she's coped. She had a great bunch of friends "the girls"! She did voluntary work, pottering into town, going to see her sister etc.

I know she misses him, we all do. It takes time.

My poor grandma had lost so many people in a short space of time, husband, brothers, best friends but she has a very busy fulfilling life and even has a new partner now too! She's in her 80s. She's very fit and active still. She fills her days with activities and holidays. She's very happy now,

So sorry for your loss, littlecabbage. Thanks for starting this thread. I lost my DF very suddenly at a similar age at the end of last year and have been similarly worried for my poor mum - she seems quite lost without him. He was always the outgoing, gregarious one, and although Mum has many friends (some of whom are in the same position) she feels odd going to places on her own rather than as part of a couple. She seems to have withdrawn to the safety of home and will go to friends for cups of tea but doesn't like going out in the evening because it means coming back to a dark, empty house. She is saying things like she can only see quiet weekends from now on, she will never be able to go on holiday again, that sort of thing. My sibling and I are trying to ring every day and make arrangements for some weekends but we don't live close enough to pop in. I know she hates living alone but very much hope she gets accustomed to it, even if she never likes it much. She's been clear she doesn't want to move to live with either of us, as it would take her away from her friends and community.

It's early days for her, just as it is for your mum, and we are letting her do whatever she feels is right, but I hate the thought of this reduced life she pictures for herself. These stories give me hope that in time things might be different.

Im sorry for your loss Cabbage. My dad died September 2015 at the age of 59 - 4 months to the day of being diagnosed with Cancer. My parents had been married 41 years.

I live 10 minutes from DM and speak to her twice daily on the phone and see her almost every day. Like you I am 37 and have 3 DCs. She gets out a lot walking her 2 dogs and she has said that if it wasn't for them she would have struggled to get out of the house (more so just after DF died). I think she is happy - she plays a big part in our family life but nothing will ever fill the void left by my wonderful DF. I would be surprised if she was ever interested in meeting anyone else but like others have said - I'd be ok with that (not that it's for me to dictate).

My DM and I are now able to laugh about funny or happy memories about my DF and I think she only has a cry now and again - mainly when she hears certain songs or music.

Hope your Mum is able to find contentment/happiness. It is early days and grief is a ever changing thing.

We lost my lovely FIL at Christmas 2013, he had deteriorated over 6 months due to a brain tumour.

The early months were hard, DS was born six weeks after FIL died so we were emotional wrecks.

MIL has filled her life with choir, sewing, book club etc and has reinvigorated relationships with friends. I can't keep up with her social life.

She is still lonely and she says evenings can be hard, because you're tired, rose tinted nostalgia comes and overwhelms you. But it gets easier, with time she has become more used to how things are and the grief is more of an ache than an acute pain.

I'm pleased that she is going for counselling. I'd recommend it for you as well. Cruse Bereavement Care are a good source of help and information too.

for you, it is a horrible situation to be in.

I'm very sorry for your loss - it's still really early for you and your mum, whereas my dad died almost a year ago.

In answer to your question, no, I don't think my mum will ever be happy again - but I don't think she would want to be. I think it's only since Dad died that she has realised how much she loved him - he adored her, and she brushed it off in a way for years. He had early dementia before he had a massive stroke, and she complained about him constantly. Now that he's gone, I think the guilt is as bad as the grief.

She has had one bereavement counselling session - didn't like the woman - and goes to a few groups (a gentle walking one, a coffee one), but not regularly. She can put on a bit of a front with other people but never does with me - she just stares at the carpet, or cries, or wanders off.

I think the biggest thing is that she chose to be like this months before Dad died. She won't change. If your mum shows any inclination to do anything, or try to be happy, then that is a really positive thing. My mum is much older - in her 80s - but she is waiting to die, really. She would gladly have me there 24 hours a day, but, in all honesty, I don't know how much she gets from it as she won't go out, doesn't want to chat, only wants to hear about negative things. It is hard, but I run on guilt so see her as much as I can.

I really do hope that your mum can find happiness - and that you have lots of support too.

My dad died a month before my parents 50th wedding anniversary 6 years ago. It wasn't the happiest marriage but my DM is now alone.

When she lived in a house she was quite isolated even though she is busy. She has moved into sheltered accommodation, an independent flat but with a communal lounge and a warden. She is a lothappier now. If anything happens, from a broken lightbulb to a relative dying she has someone near by to help.

It seems it is missing out on everyday contact that makes you lonely. You can go out for an couple of hours everyday but still miss the little conversations. Sometimes the other people drive her mad but that is a good thing it gives her something to think and talk about. A big house is very isolating.

My poor dad collapsed and died in his fifties, the postmautum couldn't find anything wrong with him. My mum has taken it very hard he was her whole world.

Sent you a PM

I think everyone deals with it differently. My mum died Christmas 2015 they had been together since he was 21) and I've watched my dad (now aged 75) slowly adjust to being on his own. The house is still full of her things and although he has a very active social life, his friends are virtually all men. At Christmas he mentioned getting rid of mum's clothes etc for the first time and I think he's developing a slightly flirty relationship with a 'younger' woman (late 60s) that he runs into occasionally. My hope is that he will find a new partner as he is still pretty healthy and active and potentially has another 20 years left (his side of the family have a history of getting to almost 100). Your mum's loss is still very recent and raw but it does get easier over time.

Sorry about your Dad. Of course you are worrying about your mum, but it really is very very early days. My Dad dies about 10 years ago, he had dementia and to some extent it was a relief that he died before it got really bad, he did not have to go into a home. Mum eventually rebuilt her life like many others described here, her church community (and her faith I'm sure) were a big factor in this and she has a very full life although I'm sure still feels lonely sometimes. DP's Dad died about 30 years ago, his Mum would have been in her 60s, she became quite demanding for a few years or so it seemed to me, as DP was the only child and she was emotionally very dependent on him. However she re-married and now seems very happy. I think the remarriage thing is a lot to do with the life stage you perceive yourself to be- 60 is very different to 75.
They say it takes at least 18 months to find a new normal after bereavement- after a long marriage I'm sure you could at least double that.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP
My dad died in 2009. The day before he turned 71. He had been ill for years and my step mum is basically the one who kept him alive (mentally, and medically too - she was a nurse and constantly pushing for reasons/answers/alternatives etc)
So, she had time to process what was happening. It wasn't so brutal, although however it happens, its always a shock. They'd been together about 27 years and she was understandably devastated to lose him in her early 60s.
She's a naturally perky, optimistic person, and 'holds herself together' in front of other people, but her pain was obvious.
I was shocked then, when she started seeing a bloke just 5 months after my dads death.
They are still together, but I'm pretty sure she keeps him around just for company, as she doesn't seem to like him all that much. Poor bloke will never live up to my dad. However I think the situation suits them both.

To answer your question though OP - yes she is happy. A different kind of happy. She is independant and lives her life the way she wants to. She goes on holidays on her own (her DP doesn't like 'abroad') and visits the places she and my dad never got to go to together. She organises trips for the pensioners, has a million animals to care for (ok, exaggeration) and is always busy. She values life too much to be on a downer, although she does have low points, of course she does.

Its early days. Only time will tell how your mum copes. She is already doing so well though. Best wishes x

My dad died very suddenly aged 70 (he was a very young 70) Parents had been together for 50 years and had a very happy marriage - they both were involved with lots of activities and interests (some together others separately )

Anyway my DM came to the conclusion that although she wasn't 'lonely as such' she did enjoy being 'coupled up' and so began her internet dating adventure with the attitude of she'd happily been one half of a couple once and there was no reason why she couldn't be again !!!

Aged 70 She had several 'gentlemen friends' on the go at anyone time (there were some hilarious stories to tell) before finding a lovely widowed gentleman whom she had a happy relationship with until she died aged 77 (mind you she refused to get married again as she preferred not to have to put up with 'man habits')

I know my Mum loved my Dad and dating again didn't take away the happy memories or love they had and indeed she felt lucky to have found another 'good one' !!
Mind you at times there were incidences of TMI when recounting her dating adventures ...............................

I'm sorry about your Dad.

My Dad died quickly of cancer 10 years ago, at the end of Nov, Mum was 62 they'd been married since the early 60s very happily and had me and my siblings. I'd say my Mum is very happy now but it's a different life she has now. She's always been quite independent anyway but she goes out every day for lunch at various OAP cheap lunches and sits with similar people each week, she goes to lunchtime concerts, goes to my brothers one day a week to help with his kids, sees me on a Saturday with my DD and she sees my sister who has no partner very often. She is a big sport fan (RL esp our local team, cycling and others but I'd say tennis most of all and she enjoys watching that). She goes away with my sister or on her own. She's very flexible though having been to help me with DD this week as I've got mastitis so she spends her time with us really.

She was struggling up until 2 years ago with her knees but she has had replacements and is off and running again not literally.

On holiday in the past she has made gentleman friends to have dinner with during the week away and 2 of them have asked to see her again but she's said no. We've all said we'd be fine if they were nice blokes but she says 'what's in it for her? Washing another mans pants no thanks'

She does say she's happy though I know she misses Dad she talks of him often to the grandkids and I know it took her a year or so to be relaxed in the house. It takes time to start the new normal I think. All the best to you and your Mum.

Similar to someone further up thread. My DM was widowed nearly 10 years ago in her early 50s. My dad's death was traumatic. She is the strongest person I know.

She will never have another man, they would be fit to lace my dad's shoes...but she's happy. She has a lovely group of friends, goes on holidays etc. She doesn't mind her own company though, I think she's content with the peace of her own company.

She did feel robbed for quite a while and it's only been in the last 5 years or so that shes got her sparkle back.

So yeas she's happy, she still loves my dad but she's come to peace with being alone.

My mum was widowed five years ago. We had a few months warning of my dad's death after a cancer diagnosis.

My parents always had interests of their own that they pursued separately, and the friends my mum has via these interests and other lifelong friends have been a great support to her. Along with five other widows in her street she has lived a single life since. Perhaps her own mum and mother in law who were widowed before retirement and both lived to 90 showed her that it is a life you can lead without remarrying.

I'm definitely glad I started this thread. So many hopeful stories and helpful advice, thank you. Once again, I'm sorry for all of your losses also. I am signed up for bereavement counselling too, but there is an 8 week wait.

I know it is very early days for my Mum (and us "kids"), but like so many of you say, she has said she won't like coming home to an empty house, especially in the dark, will find weekends too quiet, and feels she has no-one to go on holiday with now. We will definitely invite her on our holidays though.

I think the point about missing regular, daily human contact is so relevant. I am making sure I ring her daily, even if just for a 5 minute chat, so that she has that contact. I think the suggestion of volunteering is very useful too. My Mum has done volunteering in the past, and was visiting an elderly lady as part of a "befriending" service at the point when Dad became ill, but I think a more "sociable" form of volunteering might be good for her in the future - one where she works as part of a team.

Someone told me earlier in 2016 that retired people who feel isolated should be CLANGERS...
C = connect with people
L = learn something new
A = be active
N = notice things (live in the present)
G = give something back
I think this is good advice for anyone seeking genuine happiness but especially to widows/widowers.

I do hope that Mum will tell my three sons all about my Dad - I will too. They are 5, 3 and 1 so unfortunately will not remember much. But I want them to feel as if they know him as he was a wonderful man xx

I forgot to say, I found a website today for a widows' group called "Jolly Dollies". They seem to be a national group for online support but also have local subgroups who meet up socially for theatre trips, walks, pub quizzes, etc. I will mention this to Mum further down the line, as it may help with the problem of quiet evenings/weekends. Just thought I'd post here in case this info is helpful for anyone else.