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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you have the same instinct as me about this?

66 replies

lottieandmia · 19/01/2017 02:51

I met a man on a dating site about 2.5 years ago. At first he wasn't very upfront about his intentions but at that time I wasn't really interested in a relationship myself. He started being quite rude though and saying he would only ever be interested in me for sex. I felt his approach was arrogant. He also told me a number of times that he doesn't like children and I have three so I felt there was little point in carrying on seeing him. I distanced myself from him. I had concerns that he may be a narcissist (captivatingly charming on first date)

Since then, however he has been trying to get back into my good books continually. Trying to arrange to meet up etc. We initially had similar interests and good conversations. I told him his behaviour initially had put me off. I am not sure if I could even like him again the way I did. I also told him I want a real relationship now and I do not want anything casual. He told me he has changed his mind, he does think he may be able to have a future with me. Apparently he also does like children Hmm

I think it seems likely he's just hoping to wear me down because what he wants is for me to be like I was at that one point (having come out of a stressful relationship) 2 and a half years ago. During a conversation he seemed to be hinting that he wanted to try to have a relationship with me but did not seem able to actually say the words. For example, 'yes I want to see if we can try something ser...'

Given that he's 36 years old and behaves like this i am suspicious of his intentions. He also said 'but nobody can be 100% certain that a relationship would work out' that surely isn't the point.

Once I've been turned off someone it's rare for me to go back and change my feelings really. My instinct is that he intends to try to manipulate me into the situation he felt he was in control of before (i.e. Try to just use me essentially). And he was put out that I abruptly started dating someone else. It did not turn out the way he expected.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 19/01/2017 07:19

Personally I fancy the invisability spell Grin that'll teach me for posting in the middle of the night!

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 19/01/2017 07:20

So what if he's lonely, not your problem.

You are a nut for him to crack, when he does he will move on.

Manumission · 19/01/2017 07:22

There are other people I'm far more interested in at this point but he has made me feel bad if I don't meet him.

Are sure you're tough enough for OLD?

lottieandmia · 19/01/2017 07:23

No, I don't do online dating any more.

OP posts:
QuiltedAloeVera · 19/01/2017 07:24

X-post.
I'd be tempted to send one last message: "I do not wish to contact you or hear from you in any way. If you continue to attempt to contact me, I will contact the police."

Should shut him up.

Some people will say absolutely anything to get laid, he sounds like one of them. In fact, it sounds like he was 'negging' you. Negging is a classic PUA (pick up artist) trick. The aim is to damage the woman's self-esteem so badly that she will have sex with the PUA.
If you ever want to feel a bit nauseous, read the PUA forums on Redditch.

Fadingmemory · 19/01/2017 07:24

So he has stopped wanting you for sex and now wants to be serious? I don't think so. Wonder how many other women are also being spun the same line by him. Have a social life, meet men that way.

QuiltedAloeVera · 19/01/2017 07:25

Reddit! Reddit!

No offence, people of Redditch.

Manumission · 19/01/2017 07:25

Well cut this joker off and consider it a post-OLD tidy up then.

We'll do you a determination spell Wink

threestars · 19/01/2017 07:26

You owe him nothing. He has chosen to write to you, he is choosing to harass you. Keep blocking him and do not give him any more details about yourself.

Skang · 19/01/2017 07:26

He hasn't changed. He's still trying to use you but has upped the ante because in his eyes you're playing hard to get. He's no one to you. Block him and move on.

Maverickismywingman · 19/01/2017 07:27

You owe him nothing. Stop talking to him.
You said it yourself - he's wearing you down. Don't waste your time.

abbsisspartacus · 19/01/2017 07:29

Okay will do you a spell for free all you need to do is drink gin turn around three times and change your phone number Wine

Your welcome Wink

magoria · 19/01/2017 07:30

Thank God he is lonely.

It means in 2.5 years he hasn't found a mug to accept his shit.

How does he find he ways around blocks? These numerous ones you gave done. That is creepy and wrong.

That you then engage again with him instead of saying please fuck off gives him the green light to carry on.

Surreyblah · 19/01/2017 07:33

The facts of YOUR actions and choices here, eg maintaining contact with this loser for so long, feeling bad about rejecting him, suggest that you have some issues with avoiding dickheads. So it's good that you're avoiding OLD!

lottieandmia · 19/01/2017 07:34

Quilted - I have in the past thought he may be a PUA.

I can't really explain why I'm giving him the time of day. If I block him he starts ringing me from other phones and it makes me anxious so I suppose I find it easier just to say 'yes, yes, yes' and then put the phone down.

He does have a very high opinion of himself - he thinks he should be running the world Grin so I imagine it's an ego thing.

OP posts:
Kittencatkins123 · 19/01/2017 07:34

Once an arse always an arse.
I listened to the I've changed, it'll be different stuff (against my instincts) once. He was still an arse. Bye arse!

MsStricty · 19/01/2017 07:45

I can't really explain why I'm giving him the time of day.

That's because something in you is interfering with your ability to give a straight "no" and to follow it through, including telling him there will be consequences if he persists.

It's not him in this case, it's you. Because you know exactly how he's going to behave; he's acting very predictably, and I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. But you can't draw that line, and that's something worth investigating.

Manumission · 19/01/2017 07:49

If I block him he starts ringing me from other phones and it makes me anxious

That's downright stalkerish.

Frankelly66 · 19/01/2017 07:49

Is this a joke?

lottieandmia · 19/01/2017 07:52

No, it's not a joke - do you have to be so rude?

I have AS so I frequently post on here about stuff like this because, like other women with AS I tend to have issues with setting boundaries.

I was checking to see whether it was actually possible that he may have changed (because my instinct says not)

OP posts:
toptoe · 19/01/2017 08:00

People don't really change, unless the experience a life changing event. He knows you've blocked him so calls from different phones. This is bordering on harassment imo and harassment is unkind behaviour.

Kind people listen and take no for an answer. Unkind people pester. He's basically ignoring your wishes and carrying on anyway.

donajimena · 19/01/2017 08:01

Sweetheart, he sounds utterly vile. You need to tell him to do one. You have our permission to do so. I totally get where you are coming from for feeling bad about not engaging with him. I used to be like that. I guess I was flattered to have 'interest' but I had terrible self esteem.
I don't now. Thats something you need to work on.

Ellisandra · 19/01/2017 08:04

No he hasn't changed.
He wants to have sex with you to prove to himself that he can.
It's that simple.

He is already treating you like shit by "finding ways around your blocking".

If your AS means you don't see your boundaries being crossed - actually, pissed all over - then I will tell you that his behaviour is TERRIBLE.

Tell him that this isn't going to go anywhere for you and you want him to stop contacting you.
Next contact, tell him that the very next contact will have you speaking to the police for advice.
Make that true: if he contacts you again, contact 101.
Document every attempt to contact you.

lottieandmia · 19/01/2017 08:05

I'm not flattered though. I'm really not short of offers from other potential dates. I can't even explain except that I suppose he's tried to construct an alternative reality where he genuinely see me as a friend.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2017 08:12

Tell him to stop contacting you. Friends don't behave like this.