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Original poster

Dh has been to look at a bedsit today so I guess thats it then our marriage is over.

36 replies

longwaytogoandabitfurther · 23/02/2007 21:08

Dh had an affair 20 months ago and deeply regretted it, and since that time up until christmas he has constantly reassured me thats its me he loves and the family he wants.

Up until christmas that is when he had a fit, broke his shoulder and we discovered the fit was as a result of taking too many painkillers. Which incedentally he has been taking in exessive amounts for 11 years - although i have known over years that he has taken too many I always thought he stopped when I found out.

Any way since the affair lots of other things have transpired and he now says he doesn't love me, doesn't want me and the kids and is moving out.

Things have been up and down since Christmas and I suppose this is the end.

The thing is i'm afraid that this will be the end forever. I don't feel like I know him anymore. I feel that the last 11 years of our 16 yr marriage has been built on nothing but lies.

We have 4 gorgeous children and he's going to give it all up to sit in a bedsit on his own. what on earth has got into him..

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 23/02/2007 21:21

Longway. So sorry.

Have you had any counselling at all - couple or individual?

Original poster
longwaytogoandabitfurther · 23/02/2007 21:29

just starting individual although we did do some after the affair. We contacted relate just after christmas and had one session and shouldn't be far off weekly sessions. But just feels like this is the end. I have no emotional energy left to give, i'm fed up of emotionally fighting to keep everything together and I just can't do it anymore.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 23/02/2007 21:34

Who mothers the mother?

Do you mean that it's you that always initiates action to save the marriage, and dh is always the one to sabotage it?

Laurenypops · 23/02/2007 21:35

Really sorry to hear your situation. Is it possible the time apart may of some benefit? Give you time to re-energise.

Original poster
longwaytogoandabitfurther · 23/02/2007 21:44

elasticwoman - yes I guess thats it. But also I feel that our relationship has hardly ever been husband/wife but parent/child and I've got four children I don't need another one.

OP posts:
alipiggie · 23/02/2007 21:55

Sending you huge hugs too. My H became very jealous of our two beautiful ds's and that was that - he went looking elsewhere too. Admittedly I wasn't without fault - takes two and all that, but still. I swear that there's something in the air. So many of us are heading towards single parenthood. I'm always online at strange times as I'm in the USA. So if you need to chat I'm here. Take care of yourself.

Original poster
longwaytogoandabitfurther · 23/02/2007 22:11

I think most of my crying has been done over the last 20 months. The only thing that is making me cry now is the children and how they are going to react.

The teenagers will understand wht is going on and I think will be heartbroken and the babies - well it will kill me evertime they get in my bed and say "where's my daddy?" Like they did the other w/e when he was away.

See sat here blubbing again now.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 23/02/2007 23:23

Do you have any one you can turn to for support? I mean in the flesh, not virtual.

Tortington · 23/02/2007 23:28

what about practical things?

are you sorted on the financial side?

Original poster
longwaytogoandabitfurther · 24/02/2007 07:06

On the financial side i'm just filling out tax credit forms - what a fuss that is. Instead of taking dh income off the current claim that has to be stopped new claim made on 05-05 income then when thats been processed have to ring them with what my income is now. Stupid or what.

He will continue to pay the mortgage, which is half of his salary anyway.

I need to get rid of the car that we bought just before christmas - he says I won't get enough for it. Been to Ford garage they've not got back to me. Maybe I should advertise it on here.

Just making a list of all the store cupboard type things he will need.

What a nightmare. Never thought our marriage would come to this.

Everytime I think about telling dc i fill up.

OP posts:
Tortington · 24/02/2007 16:18

your making a list of food for him?

thats erm. nice?!

Original poster
longwaytogoandabitfurther · 24/02/2007 19:33

I know, I know i'm stupid but he won't think of things that he needs or maybe i underestimate him.

Should just let him fend for himself adn be done with it.

OP posts:
ChipButty · 24/02/2007 19:37

Stop mothering him already! If he chooses to go you have to let him. I know it's not easy but maybe some time away will clear your heads a bit. Good luck!

DonnyLass · 24/02/2007 19:58

you sound like youre in shock which is totally understandable ... and a partnership of so long is not so easy to just switch off instinctive caring eg shopping lists etc ... i expect youre going thru the motions thinking it is a bit of a dreamstate not reality

you need a safe refuge in person form to reach to when reality hits.... build in some emotional infrastructure now xx

look after your and your childrens needs firstly

sound like a classic bloke midlife crisis ... i predict that he will wake up one morning in his poohole bedsit, feel lonely and realise he has been an eejit

at that point it is up to you and only you whether it is worth working through the hurt or letting him go for good

you have the strength and wisdom to cope when that happens

for now -- one day at a time x

DonnyLass · 24/02/2007 20:02

ps youre not stupid, youre just coping as this unfolds and you have a whole new set of rules to adapt to

be kind to yourself

this is crap and unfair and undeserved

you are not stupid

Original poster
longwaytogoandabitfurther · 25/02/2007 14:55

Nah I know i'm not stupid. Sometimes feels it though after taking him back after the affair and now this.

But its like I said to my mother if he really doesn't love me anymore then I guess that's not really his fault. If its not there its not there is it.

What I find difficult is that he has constantly said he loves me over the last 20 months and now he says he doesn't and hasn't for years but just thought he could make it work, and wanted to do what is right but its just not there.

OP posts:
DonnyLass · 25/02/2007 16:13

There are so many different types of love ... yet we get obsessed with that 'romantic, just-falling IN love' which is actually lust.

I am sure he does love you ... and your family and all the history, comfort, original hopes etc ... and you infact as both the mother of his children and simply for the great person that you are.

He sounds like he was chasing the romantic love (hence the affair which was probably just the 'imagined glamour' of someone seeing him without his responsibilities and more likely he fell for that earlier image of himself) ...which we are all media-frenzied into believing is the be-all and end-all.

And since then he is in a headspin.

That he has stated he 'wants to make it work' speaks to his underlying love for you and his family and (probably, unless he's just a totally despicable arse which most people really aren't -- even when we are justifiably angry with them for behaving idiotically)that he is just utterly lost and quite shocked himself for how his head was turned.

I would say make sure he isn't punishing himself thinking that's what he deserves .. by leaving. Not that his affair is acceptable. But was it understandable? And did you both truly work on the lead-up and how to get over it for the best? How has it been (honestly) since the afair was revealed? Often we are so shocked and hurt and bent on 'punishment' that we don't actually address the root problems.

Sorry ... don't feel you have to answer these questions here and sorry for the lengthy post which is accidentally verging on sanctimonious (!) ... all I am saying is it doesn't really sound to me like it IS over (too many strong bonds mentioned from both of you and a lot of willingness described). I guess unless you're absolutely sure, for now perhaps it is best to not do anything that is irreversible ... just give it time and space and see how you BOTH feel ...

Elasticwoman · 25/02/2007 19:40

Listen to Donnylass, she's talking sense, LWTG.

Pann · 25/02/2007 20:56

Reading this, it looks to me like he doesn't what he wants himself at all, for some of the reasons high-lighted by Donny. And the pain -killers ref. points that up as well, plus the affair.
speculating on him not recovering his sense of self-identity as the years, and the children, take their 'toll'. If you have the ocean of patience this may take, I doubt, from what I read, it is necessarily over. And I'd also be v. tempted to throw a small amount of salt over the "I don't love you" aspect. IT is the easiest and most potent way of reclaiming his own 'bit of space', as unfair as it may seem.

sauce · 25/02/2007 21:00

so sorry & sending you big hugs.

btw, bedsits are really depressing. he made his bed, let him lie in it and fgs please don't make him any blinking lists!

SherlockLGJ · 25/02/2007 21:12

Sorry

But I can not get past the making him a list comment.

Let him go. You do not even have his parents support. You have done all you can, it has been well documented on here. Walk away with your head held high, he may walk back but only if you cut him loose.

Original poster
longwaytogoandabitfurther · 25/02/2007 21:19

I said to him the other day do you know what its like living with someone who not only says he doesn't love me but who shows absolutly no affection for me. He says you've been telling me for years to tell the truth and now that I am you don't like it. There is nothing there so why should i pretend anymore.

He says he's not loved me in years and only stayed after the affair because it was the right thing to do.

He is short tempered with the kids, the house is always so tension filled.

After the affair was good, it felt good, what he was telling me felt so very very real. We were like a new couple in a new relationship all over again. I can't understand hwo he can now say that was all lies.

I have spent 20 months telling the girls that we were ok and although what dad had done was wrong we were still a family and we were going to be ok.

Now I have to tell them that its not ok and that he doesn't want to be here anymore and that he doesn't love me.

we I felt have worked soooooo hard and now he;s just given up and tbh I have no fight left anymore. I need to give my children some stability he can't keep walking in and out of our lives and messing iwth our emotions. I am not going ot let that happen anymore.

The babies are not going to have a clue whats going on and I don't know what to tell them when they ask for their daddy.

I do think he's punishing himself and feels like he doesn't deserve us anymore but I CANT live like htis anymore.

It's killing me day by day its killing me and i;m so flaming hurt. I can't do this anymore.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/02/2007 21:21

'But its like I said to my mother if he really doesn't love me anymore then I guess that's not really his fault. If its not there its not there is it. '

And it's not your fault, either.

You need to get some counselling, because it sounds like you've got a pretty low self-esteem .

A counsellor can help you see that beating yourself up over a man who has addiction issues and an affair isn't do you any favours.

PLEASE get some help!

You so deserve to love yourself.

SherlockLGJ · 25/02/2007 21:23

He does not want to be there anymore.

Gather up what is left of your pride and for the love of GOD walk away or rather, let him walk away.

He may get a reality check in the bedsit but he is not going to get it as long as you are making lists for him. As long as you keep putting out your hands in front of his feet to facilitate him walking he will have NO respect for you.

Sorry if this is harsh.

Pann · 25/02/2007 21:26

Sorry, yes, another word for the 'no lists and errands being run'. If he choosing 'rejection' at mo., he needs to face one of the consequences ie looking after himself.

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