I've fucked everything up (long)

[Grublets]

I have made an absolutely massive mess of my life and have no idea how to begin sorting it out.
DH and I have been together 15 years. 3dc. He is a sahd. I think he's possibly depressed (although denies this strongly). We have had no sex life really since DS born 3 years ago. He has no real interest in doing anything as a family, nor in socialising. Makes no effort with the few friends he had (now lost them) and if I suggest socialising with my friends he will go along with it begrudgingly. He is however an excellent father in many ways. Whenever I talk to him about making changes he says he is happy.
A few months ago a man from work started paying me lots of attention. I rebuffed him several times but he was actually really relentless. Told me had fallen in love with me. Stupidly started intense, passionate affair. OM then ended things abruptly. I was devastated. My own fault, and deserved I know.
Then a few weeks later he asked me to his house. I went because I missed him massively. He felt like the only bit of happiness in my life. Started a sort of fuck buddies relationship. Nowhere near as intense as before and I'm really struggling with that. I miss him. I know that's ridiculous. And I should end things with him fast and probably end my marriage too but it all just feels impossible. I keep going round in circles as to why he would pursue me so aggressively and then just end it? How can he be satisfied with this whole fuck buddies thing? And then I don't know what to do about DH. I am all he has in his life. How could I leave him? Plus he's a sahd - would he get custody of the kids if I did?

I feel my mental health is suffering. I spend lots of time in tears. It's just a huge huge mess. And I wish I could rewind the clock and fix things. But I can't I'm stuck in it all and just feel so trapped.

Why don't you speak to doctor and see if they think antidepressants will help you weather the storm of the break up and your mum?

The problem with feeling alive and wanted is that he doesn't actually want you beyond the non committal sex...

Stop romanticising it, basically it is a tawdry office affair .

Of course you can feel 'alive' again, just not while you are playing at it.

Mumsnet seems full of replies that are less than supportive in moments of infidelity. I won't take that on here, but would encourage you to be kind to yourself, not feel you must tell DH--i do think some people suggest telling DH as a way of punishing yourself. I personally would NOT necessarily want to know if my partner was unfaithful.

Have you watched or listened to Esther Perel? She is so smart on the topic of infidelity and her insights might help you sort through your feelings.

https://www.ted.com/talks/estherperellrethinkinginfidelityyatalkkforanyoneewhohasseverloved

www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2015/09/25/dear-sugar-episode-twenty-seven

Take care of yourself!

I botched those links. Let me try again:

Ted talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/estherperelrethinkinginfidelityatalkforanyonewhohasever_loveded*_

Dear Sugar Podcast: www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2015/09/25/dear-sugar-episode-twenty-seven

Thanks for the link.
I think I will go to the doctors. I don't think I'm depressed but I'm definitely not right at the moment and I have a lot going on. Maybe they could give me something to help (lobotomy possibly ) but seriously it can't hurt I guess.

Ffs. Still botched. Anyway! Good luck.

It is a lot to cope with. It's your life and heart and a big mess. Doctor is a good idea and will make you feel like you're taking charge of your own wellbeing a bit.

an affair is the canary down the mine in a relationship. i think you should tell your husband/partner because in doing so something will change in your life. it will be horrible, but i think you need to go through this ring of fire. the relationship will end or it will change. but you will not be stuck anymore.

No don't tell him, it serves no purpose as you said.

You need to stop with the other guy though, fuck buddies is quite offensive really. " I don't want an affair but I'll just shag you kind of thing", not ok. End it. He doesn't want a relationship with you , he doesn't even want an affair, and it's got to be detrimental to your self esteem.

Then focus on uour primary relationship and what you want there.

I think you need to tell him everything that's been going on and how you feel! He obviously has something going on himself to be behaving so differently too. Complete honesty is what's needed and in return him telling you how he feels good or bad AND then figure out where you go from there - keeping all feelings and emotions inside is a recipe for disaster

I think you need to tell him everything.

He clearly has some issues, that he needs to address.

Sex & money are the biggest causes of affairs/relationship breakdowns & this is no different.

I've been your husband. Work/life/everything seemed to get in the way of our marriage. Eventually my wife had an affair. Was it her fault? Absolutely. Was I also partly to blame? Absolutely. Marriages take two to work and two to fail.

I found out she was having the affair, and she didn't tell me. It would of been nicer if she had from my perspective, however stepping away from it and if I was in her shoes, I wouldn't have.

I can't see what is gained from telling him. The only thing to decide is if you want to be with your husband or not. If you decide to stay, then you need to have some very serious chats with your husband. He knows the marriage isn't right, but if he doesn't want to help solve it then you're back to deciding whether to stay or go.

The other man doesn't come into the decision and I would just bin him. He's using you.

You know what you have done is wrong but who are we to judge. It's clear you are not happy in your mariage and it's no surprise you were flattered by this guy. You need to really think long and hard about whether or not you want to stay married ? Hugs op

OP, I am not saying this to be nasty, or judgemental, but to the OM you are just a fuck puppet. A warm, wet hole. Please, please pack it in immediately. What happens next, you decide but job 1 is to rid yourself of this parasite. Good luck.