I've fucked everything up (long)

[Grublets]

I have made an absolutely massive mess of my life and have no idea how to begin sorting it out.
DH and I have been together 15 years. 3dc. He is a sahd. I think he's possibly depressed (although denies this strongly). We have had no sex life really since DS born 3 years ago. He has no real interest in doing anything as a family, nor in socialising. Makes no effort with the few friends he had (now lost them) and if I suggest socialising with my friends he will go along with it begrudgingly. He is however an excellent father in many ways. Whenever I talk to him about making changes he says he is happy.
A few months ago a man from work started paying me lots of attention. I rebuffed him several times but he was actually really relentless. Told me had fallen in love with me. Stupidly started intense, passionate affair. OM then ended things abruptly. I was devastated. My own fault, and deserved I know.
Then a few weeks later he asked me to his house. I went because I missed him massively. He felt like the only bit of happiness in my life. Started a sort of fuck buddies relationship. Nowhere near as intense as before and I'm really struggling with that. I miss him. I know that's ridiculous. And I should end things with him fast and probably end my marriage too but it all just feels impossible. I keep going round in circles as to why he would pursue me so aggressively and then just end it? How can he be satisfied with this whole fuck buddies thing? And then I don't know what to do about DH. I am all he has in his life. How could I leave him? Plus he's a sahd - would he get custody of the kids if I did?

I feel my mental health is suffering. I spend lots of time in tears. It's just a huge huge mess. And I wish I could rewind the clock and fix things. But I can't I'm stuck in it all and just feel so trapped.

"A few months ago a man from work started paying me lots of attention. I rebuffed him several times but he was actually really relentless. Told me had fallen in love with me. Stupidly started intense, passionate affair."

This only started only a few month ago and she has already had a passionate relationship, been dumped then became a fuck buddy. I have a feeling she couldn't have rebuffed his advances too much before things started.

No you shouldn't go on to shag them, no-one is saying that.

Just quite simply explaining why I used the term 'exploitative' when referring to the man.

It is perfectly possible for the OP to be wrong for sleeping with him AND for him to be exploiting her by love bombing, harassment, future faking and then stonewalling followed by inviting her round...

I did shag him willingly, although actually prior to going down the affair route I did consider making a complaint about him. He was very persistent and at times inappropriate. Stupidly I decided to hear him out instead. Give him a chance. I'm an idiot.

And just to pre-empt the accusations a few months back there was a woman targeting a MM in this way at work and I equally told her she was sexually harassing him...

If anyone would fail to call out a woman for behaving as this man has then that would be pretty sexist...

So you don't want the let him know advice.

You want the pat on the back. Don't worry about it. Carry on fucking the other guy and your husband can carry on looking after the house and kids. After all he cheated on you.. Oh but wait. He gave you that choice. You could have walked away because you knew about it.
It's not for you to make that choice. What you think he might do is irrelevant. He has
The right to know so he can make a decision for himself of he stays and works things through or says it over.

Daisyqueen it was about 3 months of him trying various tactics before I gave in and started opening up to him. And then a month or so after that affair started. Lasted 8 weeks then dumped out the blue. 3 week break then fuck buddies for the last 4 weeks. Don't know if that's a short time or a long time. Probably doesn't make that much difference.

I think TBH it sounds like the marriage is well and truly over. The cheating after he cheated just makes it seem even more dysfunctional.

I would advise you to tell him but to be strong that you want to end things and not work on it.

But you absolutely do need to go completely NC with OM as much as you can manage with working together.

t's not like it was a quick fuck over the photo copier. She went willingly to his home and continues to do so!
How hard is it to say fuck off, keep your knickers on and report the behaviour?
Not that bloody hard.

And I think TBH I would be looking for another job if possible. Workplace affairs tend to fuck up your work.

Erm it is pretty hard actually to repeatedly rebuff someone who is sexually harassing you at work over a period of months...

Have you never been sexually harassed at work? It is horrendous.

I am offering advice. Tell your husband. It isn't your choice to decide if it would benefit him. You want advice that tallies with what YOU want.

The you report it and go through proper channels.
Tbh, it is irrelevant now how it started; the important thing is how the OP decides to proceed and no one can decide that but her.

I think (and I may be wrong) that your attraction to the other man may have been a little power-excitement, IYSWIM. Homelife with a rather depressed SAHD is not exciting, challenging, but dealing with a "relentless" jerk possibly is, at least superficially. The really powerful and exciting position though is not needing the man who is using you (the Other Man) and telling him where to get off, would you say?

As for "I've fucked everything up" I think that is an endearing way to put it in a way, because of its deep felt humbleness. So many of us fuck up our lives royally don't we? When we are lacking in love, self-knowledge, insight and courage we do this. FWIW I think OP you have a good chance of making things better. I hope you find a way to do this.

I don't know what I fucking want that's the bloody problem!
Honestly I won't be telling him. Why would he want to hear that? I would put money on the fact he already knows or at least strongly suspects. He has made a few comments and "jokes" The fact he is choosing not to confront it is telling in itself.

Streuth- thank you. Thinking about taking back the power is interesting and good advice. Your faith that I may somehow make things better and find my way out of it really gave me hope and brought tears to my eyes. Thanks.

Then I suggest you figure it out because it isn't fair on your husband, and it isn't fair on you. You are undervaluing yourself here. You can choose what sort of person you want to be; don't be the underling who has an affair with a boss and goes running when he clicks his fingers. Posting on here shows that you know this isn't right and you aren't happy with it. Change it.

Op, yes, first off, really, REALLY stop the affair. It is not going you any good. Actually I think you are using him. Your fantasy escape, you feel so happy and alive, etc, and how much easier it would all be if he could rescue you, magic you into a happy relationship and life... (it's probably when he realised that that he ended things).

So, once you have gained the discipline and self control that will restore some dignity and self esteem, you can focus on the actual issue.

Does your DH purport to be happy with his life? To love you?

Have you told him that you are unhappy and that you want more partnership? I have no doubt that it is hard being a SAHD to 3 children, but it must be pretty hard, too, to feel that you are out at work all day, all week, and that when you get home he does not want to share any family time with you. So what is it that he wants from you? Just your salary?

Would couples counselling help, to talk this through?

Is there any chance, given your financisl constraints, that he would consider returning to work? Childcare is so much cheaper now the youngest is 3. He could add to the household income, get a different perspective, and maybe you could both then share more family time, because for him it wouldn't be just what he does all day.

If he asks about the affair, don't lie. Tell the truth, don't make excuses, don't blame him, just apologise and keep apologising.

Take a pro-active, forward looking approach to finding out what is going on in your marriage, and how you can fix it. Put generosity and empathy into the task.

And then, if it can't be made to work, you can leave knowing you tried. Really tried. You owe that to yourself and your DH, and the certainty would itself build a more positive future.

Absolutely do not tell your husband. There's no benefit in that for anyone. My advise is to get into counseling with your husband and also by yourself ASAP. Also, dump the OM immediately and stop hating yourself. You'll get no where if you cling to guilt.

Offred Yes actually I have.
I reported and avoided the individual as much as I could
It carried on for several months - the notes, the inappropriate chats, the being cornered,
gifts, poems, calls.
At one point I was signed off, and I considered leaving my job. He knew the area I lived and I would randomly see him. He would send me friends invites on social media, and he was quickly blocked. He befriended another friend he found I was connected to and tried to make contact that way.
Until the stalking started I reported him each and every time. Then I took the legal route. I lost a lot of weight as a result of the stress very quickly. I became a different person who was weary or talking to people in case I got the same reaction. I slept even less than what I did. Every handwritten letter I shook. Unknown numbers I would ignore in case it was him.

But what I never ever did was meet him and
Fuck him.

OP, I have a lot of sympathy for you, I really do, but you need to tell your husband.

You are missing the point of why everyone on here is so adamant that you tell him. It's not to spare his feelings and you certainly shouldn't keep it from him to make things easier on yourself, even if you see it as guarding him or your marriage.

You need to tell him what you have done out of respect for him, and he should be given the choice whether he wants to remain with a partner who has been unfaithful. I've never experienced this myself but I have seen a few women pour their hearts out on mumsnet about how awful it is when they find out their partner cheated, and many say the worst part is the lies or not knowing.

You say he makes comments, he already knows on some level, you know he does. And why else would you be on here if you have really decided for sure what you're doing?

You know what the right thing to do is OP, don't be cowardly.

Offered I've not been sexually harassed at work but in a hobby I did some years ago, a woman there made it abundantly clear that she wanted to do things to me on a regular basis. I made it perfectly clear every time that I was not interested, that I had a partner, we had lived together for 8 years etc. "She'll never know" was trotted out. At the time I was at a low ebb following a friend's death, my relationship was not great. Did I weaken and sleep with her? No. Not once.

You haven't messed you life up yet.
This will not end well without you acting really really soon. If you give it all up for this man you will regret it.

You need to get rid of the other man. He's happy with fuck buddy, if he wasn't its very clear you would still be having an intense relationship. You're infatuated by him, and will not be able to make rational (extremely important) decisions while he is in your life.

You really urgently need to break up with him and prioritise your children and family. Until you have moved away from him, you will not know how you feel about your husband properly and you could make a life mistake.

All I am saying is that it is horrendous and difficult to be sexually harassed at work. Going on to sleep with the harasser does not undo the harassment. It is simply a really, really bad choice that some people do make (men and women) and then they find it even harder to undo everything that has happened.

My original point was never that her being harassed made the affair ok. It was just that given the affair started as sexual harassment by him I was being gentle (not because the op is female as was touted).

Thank you for so much good advice. And for so many of you being understanding when I know I don't deserve it.
I am going to keep re reading this thread in the hope that it all sinks in.
I think I'm scared if I end things with the OM that I will never feel that way again, alive and wanted. That this is my last chance. And I'm putting off ending it to experience "one last time" except it never is the last time. I'm worried that when I do end it I will spiral further and become depressed.
Things are further complicated by the fact my mum has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness and has just months to live. I'm worried that this has somehow clouded my judgement and I'm living a very "live in the moment" type of life because I'm more aware than ever of the fragility of it.
Just to be clear I am absolutely not using DM to excuse my own behaviour. Just looking to understand myself. And furthermore when the inevitable does happen in the near future I need to be strong enough to face it mentally and I'm nowhere near there at the moment. I don't know if ending things with OM will make me feel weaker or stronger.