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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money, inequality, unfairness, help needed

36 replies

bananamuncher · 18/01/2017 08:05

Husband makes 10x more than me. I work part-time, look after the baby and do a full time post-graduate degree.

Husband thinks I'm being unreasonable because I think we should have equal access to money in the relationship.

He pays the rent, he expects me to pay for everything, and I mean literally everything else. I can't afford that, which he must be aware of, but he gets pissed off whenever I try to talk about money, says he "isn't making a huge amount of money" and "he didn't think I'd turn into this kind of person" (no idea what he means by that). He keeps telling me I mustn't "fritter away" our savings, but in the same breath he expects me to magically pay for food, electricity, gas, nappies, TV, Internet, etc with no where near enough income to cover it.

Surely in a marriage it should be more equal? Surely we should both be making decisions and deciding about money?

He tells me he will "never" let me have access to "his" money.

Feeling really shitty about this right now. Need advice.

OP posts:
JustGettingStarted · 18/01/2017 08:06

He's being financially abusive.

DaftJelly · 18/01/2017 08:07

This is financial abuse.

You'd be better off if you left him as he'd have to pay maintenance. Remind him of that.

I couldn't live with someone this selfish. I'm a SAHM currently and all money is family money.

Ginmakesitallok · 18/01/2017 08:07

This is financial abuse and I couldn't be married to someone like this. Have you sat down with all the figures and showed him how unfair it is?

Sixisthemagicnumber · 18/01/2017 08:12

That is financial abuse. I would leave him rather than put up with that. I am a carer and only get £63 per week carers allowance and the child benefit but despite having separate bank accounts DH makes sure that we both have the same amount of money to spend each month.
Why is your DH not even prepared to buy nappies for his own child?

Original poster
bananamuncher · 18/01/2017 08:12

I've tried but he just gets angry, he won't talk about it and keeps saying that he "doesn't have much money", that I'm being unfair, that we had an agreement I'd pay for all this stuff (we didn't, but even if we did, it doesn't make sense for him to have all the financial freedom and disposable income while I stress and struggle to get by)

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 18/01/2017 08:12

This is a horrible way to behave. I think you need to think if you could live the rest of your life with someone who isn't just tight with money, but is actually abusive.

Sixisthemagicnumber · 18/01/2017 08:13

I think you should point out to him that if you leave he would have to pay his rent and all the other bills and give you maintenance for his child.

Original poster
bananamuncher · 18/01/2017 08:14

I mean surely marriage and equality in marriage means we should share in the good as well as the bad? If he has 1000 of disposable income and I have -500 of disposable income then it's totally unbalanced. He just can't /won't see it.

OP posts:
JustGettingStarted · 18/01/2017 08:17

Why won't he pay for the feeding and clothing, etc of his own child?

EBearhug · 18/01/2017 08:18

If you put in a spreadsheet what the household needs to spend each week, plus each of your incomes, will he see then? Do you have access to his bank statements at all?

JustGettingStarted · 18/01/2017 08:19

He expects you to pay for the TV and Internet that he watches? The water he uses? The food he eats?

WatchingFromTheWings · 18/01/2017 08:19

Definitely financial abuse.

If he pays the rent and you pay for everything else what is he doing with his money? Think I'd start by cancelling the internet and any tv packages. That'll free some cash up for you and he can pay it if he wants it.

ErnieAndBernie · 18/01/2017 08:21

I have been in a very similar situation, all bar the studying but with 2 kids. We are in the process of getting divorced. It is abusive. He also told me since he earned his money it was his to do what he liked with. He paid for mortgage and bills, I had to pay for childcare for 2 kids in london. I ended up with a 2k overdraft because of him. We even had counselling. He still said his money was his so I told him that was it.
It will erode all the loving, caring feelings you have about him and soon there will be nothing left but resentment. He needs an ultimatum which you need to be prepared to carry out. Do your sums on what it costs to live. Do you know a ballpark salary for your husband? Because if you do it is easy enough to find an online calculator to work out hat he is bringing home each month. Do a budget based on this, go see a solicitor and make an appointment with CAB. When you have all the info you need and feel confident then sit him down with the ultimatum and be prepared to see it through. I hope he changes and you can sort this out but I doubt he will. I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years, it started slowly but the last 9 years got progressively worse. I knew it was over when I realised that I had no emotion about him left at all. And that scared me enough to do something about it. Don't let it get to that stage Flowers

StumblyMonkey · 18/01/2017 08:26

I agree that this is financial abuse.

We are in the same situation but without children and I'm the one that earns 10x more than DP.

All money is considered 'family money', all rent and bills are paid out of family money and what is left over is split between 'family savings' and 'family disposable income'.

Maxwellthecat · 18/01/2017 08:30

I don't understand why does he think you should pay for the child? Does he see it as your baby?

ElspethFlashman · 18/01/2017 08:32

He'll never give in on this. How long can you keep going like this?

jojo2916 · 18/01/2017 09:52

Why did you have a baby in that sort of relationship , sorry I'm really not trying to be rude it's just that situation sounds awful not like a relationship at all, it sounds like he doesn't want to change so I guess you just have to decide if you can live like this. I couldn't, not just because of money but it sounds like a really unloving attitude and I think you and your child deserve better

ErnieAndBernie · 18/01/2017 10:00

jojo2916 these things usually creep up in a relationship slowly. The op may have been working when they met in which case the balance may have been different. Kind of like the boiling frog analogy. You are right, she and her child definitely deserve better than this.

jojo2916 · 18/01/2017 10:25

But I doubt they were sharing money before and then he stopped over time it's probably always been the case

InTheMoodForLove · 18/01/2017 10:28

jojo2916 Ernie has already given you a possible explanation but apart from that, do you really think it is ok to ask someone, anyone, why did they have their child ?

Original poster
bananamuncher · 18/01/2017 10:30

To be honest I never realised until I had a baby. I always thought it was me being unreasonable, because that's what he kept telling me. After I had the baby and he was being shitty and unsupportive, I had a flash of clarity and realised it's not me, that his behaviour is unreasonable, that he always tries to make me feel bad and upset me when I try to talk about things because then I'll get frustrated and upset and prove his point that I'm unreasonable and he therefore is 1) right 2) the victim in all this 3) long suffering and terribly might misunderstood by his crazy, emotional wife

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 18/01/2017 10:40

He thinks he's got you trapped, now that you have a baby. I'm sorry op, but it's not going to get any better, now matter what you threaten. Men like this will never change. While you're deciding your future you should make sure you get proof of his earnings and any savings, etc. You really would be better off financially, without him.

Joysmum · 18/01/2017 10:43

When DH and I got together I earned 6x more than him. We weren't married and had only just moved in together but I could never see him with far less money than I had.

What an employer values us as is not equal to the value loving couples give and value each other at so equal disposable income is the only way to match that.

I like the spreadsheet idea upthread as that would be effective in commicating to me and my DH but suspect this would not work for you and your husband. Still, it's worth doing in writing in addition to couples counseling because I fear you'll need to prove his unreasonableness as this could end in separation and ultimately divorce.

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2017 10:48

Calculate your child maintenance.

Calculate your tax credits.

Now think seriously about whether this selfish and nasty man is the right one for you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/01/2017 11:01

He doesn't love you. No one who loved you would treat you like this. You need to get out.