ex is driving me to tears

[happyfrown]

apologise if this is worded all over the place, will try and make sense of the stress in my head. bear with..

split up with ex 10yrs ago we have 2ds, he has been a constant niggle. tries to control me in where he thinks its ok to need to know my business. I suffer with mental health and anxiety, so too much stress or confrontation will lead to triggers of self harm, suicidal thoughts so ive shut up and put up.

he calls me up insisting that I spend time/talk with ds2 (12) as he claims he feels alone, neglected. ds2 is hard work doesn't want to sit downstairs, happy to sit in his room. when dd (6) goes to talk to ds2 he will immediately say 'shut up and go away!' cutting her off. when I talk to him he walks past or just stares at me. not listening either way.

last night ex called to ask why dd (not his child) had taunted ds2 about our dog. ddog is being looked after due to my mental health taking a dive in oct and I wasn't coping. (will be coming back)
ds2 had called to tell ex about this then ex called me saying he wanted to get my side before he flipped?!! flipped? at a 6yrold?? felt like screaming down the phone to piss off and that id dealt with it.

I went to bed around 10.45pm. I was lying in bed (crying as with most nights) when ds2 phone rang at 11pm, he answered it then went downstairs and opened front door. it was ex giving him some money for food after school! if I didn't have tears streaming down my face and some underwear on I would come down stairs to ask what the hell ex is playing at. when ds2 came back up told him im not happy with all the going behind my back. its making me feel like a shit mum, maybe I am cos I aint got a single healthy brain cell at the moment. I don't know if im coming or going some days.

ex lives about 10min walk away and does this a lot. ds2 will ask for something he doesn't need, hasn't been behaving to earn it or I just don't have money for it. so will moan to ex and he will just turn up at the door. I feel like moving miles away just to get away from the arse, but he comes to have dss every fortnight so theres no escape.
I feel like im drowning and cant get away from my past and move on.

In addition would you really want a child with someone continually modelling this way of treating people?

ok will see what they say. im worried they might see it in the way happyjanuary did, that he is just a concerned dad and im flapping over nothing?

impetuous pyong pretty much summed it up. regarding ds living with him.

if & when he does take him on 24/7 and has to deal with ds2s attitude and selective hearing and demands for toys, snacks he doesn't need or deserve through bad behaviour - i want a phone call to say how hard it is and an apology, but i cant see that happening.

graphista no im not happy that ds will be around a nob like him, but i wont deprive ds2 to see how green the grass is. when i was young i would have ripped my dads arm off IF id been given the choice of living with my mum or dad.

ex only see's ds's for around 32hrs give or take a month. he doesn't have to deal with bedroom mess, ignorant attitude, sibling bickering. and ds will surely get bored of ex's rules as he would be more likely to be on top of no gadgets at bed time and night time routine in general.
when he buys ds2 a £60 game that gets put under the bed played with once, when all your belongings get broke, pens and pencils get snapped and then got a stroppy child moaning he cant find a pen for school or his tie that was clearly my fault he had misplaced it...... hopefully he will loose his shit too!

He has no intention of dealing with any of that shit, he just wants to use it as a stick to beat you with. DS2 kicking off? Just another opportunity to undermine and punish you. Can you really see him wanting to have the kids with him 24/7? Dealing with homework, laundry, cooking, curfews etc? Not going to happen, ever.

WA can see past the bullshit. The fact is that it can take a lot for a woman to call them, you see it on here where women are suffering the most appalling abuse and yet dont want to call in case it isnt "bad enough". If you make that call then they will take you seriously, but beware that it can take a few calls to get through so keep trying. They have experience of all kinds of abuse and they know how insidious and cruel emotional abuse can be. Physical injuries heal quickly, emotional ones take a lot longer.

Be brave, give them a call.

hey,
no I cant see him wanting to deal with being a full time parent, yet I feel he shouldn't get off scot-free, part of me feels like I need the break. even if its short term. I don't think it will ever happen.

ok I will call them, I might have a friend over when I do though because I get so nervous on the phone, wont make no sense through nerves.

He's controlling and he's using your son to do it. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. If you moved there's a good chance he would move to be closer too. The only way to deal with this arsewipe is to show him that he isn't your boss, It's your house and only people who are respectful to you are invited in. Turn the wifi off after 7pm, lock the front door if you think he might turn up and if he calls and your son gives you the phone, always take the phone and just say send me an email.

There's no way in hell he would go for residency, he's shown he doesn't want consistency in contact, the residency threat is to keep you on your toes. Ditto for his 'concerned father act'.

What support are you getting for your MH issues, MH issues are difficult enough for adults to get their heads around let alone children. Even though your Ex is being a manipulative arse about it (and no doubt his behaviour is a contributing factor), he might be right about your son's being lonely. They are going through puberty, have a controlling father and an anxious mother, it must be really difficult for them too.

You need to try harder in reconnecting with them and saying they won't sit in the living with you, is making the reconnection their responsibility. Make time with them away from your youngest child and away from gadgets. The adversarial relationship you have with their father is a distraction from your relationship with them. It's not their fault their father's an arse and it's not their fault that they are caught in the middle between their parents.

Firmer boundaries with your Ex will initially be very difficult because he will push back but every time his behaviour tries to grab your attention, it's valuable time that you're letting him take from your relationship with your son's.

isetan I don't think he would move to be close cos if he cant find a place here he cant find one where ever I move. its just unfortunate that his friends lives down the road!

ive been battling with mg gp to been re referred to therapy as they discharged me from the services after one year of shite cbt. im suppose to be getting therapy from end of this month, taken me 3 calls (and I don't like calling) to keep on the case.

I admit I wont win 'mum of the year award' as I do find expressing my feelings/emotions hard. I cant hug people or like contact, cant cope with rooms full of people. ive been to 5 parenting classes to try and get a better bond (ive had a previous thread about the guilt of it all)
i understand how lonely it can be, i grew up in the same situation i used to sit in my bedroom all the time. sadly as much as i tried its run a cycle as it did with my mum etc.

my friends called by today, so i asked if she would be around when i called womens aid. she said yes of course but thinks i don't need to call them i just need to tell ex to firmly fuck off and if he ever knocked while she was here he know about it. i need her assertiveness. im taking everything in people have said, its really hepful. x

But your friend hasn't experienced domestic abuse I don't think? Nor an expert in it? She's not you she doesn't have your anxiety or feeling of vulnerability.

Women's aid can advise and support and help you gain confidence to deal with your ex.

Honestly your friend seems to be minimising. Probably just as she doesn't understand the dynamic.

Immediate thoughts are it would be helpful to

1. put a complete stop to ex coming to your home. If he insists on picking the children up from there, fine, but he texts when he's outside and they go out to him. He'll soon stop!
2. Inform DS he is not allowed to open the door unless you ask him to, he could have been opening it to anyone. DS needs to be told clearly this is your house rule from now on. You are the adult and you are in charge and it's your responsibility to keep your children safe within the home. I really don't mean this unkindly but if I find the way you communicate unclear, it's quite likely that the children will too. ( and clearly ex is using this to his advantage) Maybe just start with two things you need to change right now and let ex and children know this is how it will be from now on, don't get into conversation about it, just state that you've decided. Your DS shouldn't be able to use his phone late at night, do you have Wifi, can it be turned off at night? Maybe start with a rule that phones are handed over at 9pm? Again, you're the parent within the home, you are the one who needs to do this. I'm pretty sure

I will call womens aid, I think my friend is just annoyed that ex is making me ill and im not doing anything about it?

notarehersal am I really that unclear? I know I struggle, I didn't realise how bad even when in writing? had to go post office today and couldn't get my words out without blurting everything at once messing up and stuttering out nonsense. I was frustrated with myself, I know its the anxiety. phone calls are even worse

ds's to understand but choose to ignore me, probably knowing I aint got the mental strength to fight. I will be coming down on the phones and taking them away at bed time.