ex is driving me to tears

[happyfrown]

apologise if this is worded all over the place, will try and make sense of the stress in my head. bear with..

split up with ex 10yrs ago we have 2ds, he has been a constant niggle. tries to control me in where he thinks its ok to need to know my business. I suffer with mental health and anxiety, so too much stress or confrontation will lead to triggers of self harm, suicidal thoughts so ive shut up and put up.

he calls me up insisting that I spend time/talk with ds2 (12) as he claims he feels alone, neglected. ds2 is hard work doesn't want to sit downstairs, happy to sit in his room. when dd (6) goes to talk to ds2 he will immediately say 'shut up and go away!' cutting her off. when I talk to him he walks past or just stares at me. not listening either way.

last night ex called to ask why dd (not his child) had taunted ds2 about our dog. ddog is being looked after due to my mental health taking a dive in oct and I wasn't coping. (will be coming back)
ds2 had called to tell ex about this then ex called me saying he wanted to get my side before he flipped?!! flipped? at a 6yrold?? felt like screaming down the phone to piss off and that id dealt with it.

I went to bed around 10.45pm. I was lying in bed (crying as with most nights) when ds2 phone rang at 11pm, he answered it then went downstairs and opened front door. it was ex giving him some money for food after school! if I didn't have tears streaming down my face and some underwear on I would come down stairs to ask what the hell ex is playing at. when ds2 came back up told him im not happy with all the going behind my back. its making me feel like a shit mum, maybe I am cos I aint got a single healthy brain cell at the moment. I don't know if im coming or going some days.

ex lives about 10min walk away and does this a lot. ds2 will ask for something he doesn't need, hasn't been behaving to earn it or I just don't have money for it. so will moan to ex and he will just turn up at the door. I feel like moving miles away just to get away from the arse, but he comes to have dss every fortnight so theres no escape.
I feel like im drowning and cant get away from my past and move on.

He is acting like he is still in your house and still in your life - controlling you.

He isn't.

For your son's sake the next time he brings the phone to you say "darling I don't want to talk to your dad right now and that is fine. Please don't concern yourself and don't touch my phone"

You need to get this man right out of your space. Don't engage. Text about the children. Reply to everything he interferes with with a cheery "when they are with you you can decide how to deal. Right now they are with me and I am dealing with it as a good mother."

I would start acting really cool and business like
^ I second this!

it sounds very difficult Happy no wonder you're upset:(
try not to 'feed' him

His life might be great now but all it takes is his mate to get a gf and want to move her in and he will be history.

You mentioned he had a gf. Does she know about how many times he calls you and what time he calls round. I bet she wouldn't be pleased

He is an Emotionally Abusive pr**k. He is still controlling you. You need to set rules and stick to them. Take the bus pass thing, you should have just gone out when you planned to. If he turned up and you were out you shouldn't answer your phone and when you finally saw him you would have been able to say. I told you I was going out you made a choice not to come before then. Then just walk away. No drama no arguing just bland statements. He doesn't tell you when he is coming to keep you dancing attendance on him. So if he lives 10 minutes walk away tell ds that you will be going out at X time on that day and if ex isn't there by then they will have to walk round to his. Tell them to phone him themselves to let him know so it's up to them to contact him to tell him what you've said then do exactly what you've said. Ds will then know that it is his fault if he's not there to collect them when he's said because he's chosen not to be. They will see his selfish manipulation for themselves and realise that he doesn't care that it impacts upon them. Will show him in his true colours which is sad for ds but better in the long run not to lie to them so they will know what sort of person they are dealing with. You don't need to have direct contact with ex as your youngest shared child is 12. Old enough to arrange contact directly. It sounds like your mental health may improve without his constant manipulation. Also I would take phone off your ds at 9.30 every night and switch off then no late night phone calls to disturb you or him. Any bad behaviour confiscate phone for the evening and keep doing it until he gets the message also that you mean business and won't put up with his misbehaviour.

he doesn't come right in, he steps in the front door which i have repeatedly asked not to. i normally sit in the kitchen while i wait for them to go to avoid contact. he will be at the door 10 sometimes having ds's run up and down stairs saying change those trousers, go put another top on, i remind the kids to have everything ready so they can just go. but where they don't know what time to expect him it doesn't work.

i wish i had the confidence to say all these things, im scared he will make my life worse. ive got no one for support here. i don't want him to get vocal with the dcs in sight. i have tried to confront him and be assertive but he repeats back what i said and it throws me.

Was he better when you were with your ex? Less likely to kick off or force his way in?

You can have a chat with the police. EA is a criminal offence now. He is intimidating you in your own home. They can have a word with him and warn him about his behaviour and conduct and tell him not to enter your home. It seems difficult at the start but the more boundaries you put in ,place and the more he is forced to adhere to them he will stop getting his kicks from you as he can no longer push your buttons.

Take them to the other side of the front door and wait outside with your coat on. If he doesn't like what the dc are wearing then tough.

Again do not engage in the crap. He either takes them as they are or doesn't. It is his choice.

oliver i don't know if his gf knows how often he gets involved they have been on and off for years, he is probably using his same controlling traits on her.
his flat mate did have a long term GF and he did say to ex that he doesn't have kids and if he could not be at home with ds's all day as its his week end off work with his gf. which i understand totally. ds's used to be back home by 4pm some days cos he had nowhere to take them and i felt bad they were roaming the streets. so told him to bring them back.

with the travel card thing, there is nothing to do at his mates house and i couldn't let ds sit there bored all day and ex knows this im sure. kids are purely ammo. it might not sound like it but i do care about them.

i have tried to confront him and be assertive but he repeats back what i said and it throws me
it's fuel to him, you're giving him ammunition to use against you, instead can you disengaging, not respond?

sorry keep cross posting trying to keep on top of each reply.

yes he was less intimidating when dds dad was around. he knew he hated him and could easily of flattened him (he had even offered over the years) but i don't want that around the kids.

oliver i wish i could borrow your head and will power for a while. sounds so easy, i might call woman aid see what they suggest. i just need support, i don't feel i can do it on my own. i sound pathetic i know .

i really appreciate you talking to me. x

You are welcome to my head I am an ugly bugger. I have also been told on several occasions I am very scary.

You cant change how he is but you can change how you respond.

Happy I dont think you are pathetic, you're in a difficult situation and this man has had a long time to learn exactly how to control you whilst you've been vulnerable because you were struggling with issues and difficulties in your life.
It can be very difficult to get a handle on whats going on when you're stressed and in the thick of it.
From my own experience sometimes it was only years down the line when I reflected and really saw what this or that person was actually up to and how I inadvertently played into their hands

Definitely speak to women's aid, police and possibly hopefully women's aid will refer you to a solicitor too. This is not how normal contact takes place. Legally in your posts there's EA, trespass, harassment. Get a chain put on the door it wouldn't cost much to get a local handyman to do it if you're not able to yourself. As pps have said, take phone off ds at bedtime (good idea generally actually) and tablet. With a solicitors help you could decide upon set times for collection and drop off and if he's late for pick up go out - anywhere - with the kids and make sure they know it's dad that screwed up, don't be back early for drop off and even if you are don't let him know if possible. Keep a diary of ALL occurrences where he undermines, EA, harassed or trespasses, it helps police/a solicitor build a picture/case and could help you obtain a non molestation order which I think you're going to need.

I had a similar problem with my ex just in the first few years after we split, even though we split due to his cheating And he moved in with her he would call, text, come round (when he knew my address, I moved a few months after split and refused to give address) at all hours usually drunk either asking to see dd or be abusive or ask me to take him back!

Luckily I had a good solicitor who backed me in keeping things clear and formal and in making sure I never had to give my address.

Also get and take as much support as you can re mh issues. It will help you deal with this idiot!

I'm guessing you left him? And he can't bear that. Tough! Your life is no longer any of his business. It also maybe wouldn't hurt to discuss with ds's that they can discuss their lives with dad but anything private to you is off limits. No reason why they can't learn a little discretion.

Good luck

"From my own experience sometimes it was only years down the line when I reflected and really saw what this or that person was actually up to and how I inadvertently played into their hands"

Same here - we live and learn eh

If he steps over your door, you say "Get out of my house." and if he doesn't then you say "Get out or I'll call the police" and then get your phone.

Your boys are old enough to understand that he's a dick...tell them! Explain that ex has no right to come in or to demand to speak to you...tell them THEY can speak to him all they like but they are NOT to bring him to you on the phone.

yes he was less intimidating when dds dad was around. he knew he hated him and could easily of flattened him

Ha! There's a surprise! Man will attempt to bully woman but backs down shitting his pants when confronted by another man.

I agree with getting as many agencies on your side as possible, he is doing this because he thinks that he is untouchable.

Man will attempt to bully woman
aye, that's your common or garden predator/bully, he gets his kicks by exploiting an easy target, nasty pathetic waste of space piece of shit that he is
he's a WOSPOS

oliver no one is ugly, we are all beautiful to someone if not to ourselves x

formerpig i got the idea pretty quick what he was like within first few months of the relationship. he had promised me the world taking me away from my mums house where i wasn't happy, moving into his home with his nob head threatening dad (back then) i knew i should have run but my mum said i cant come back if i left and panicked. i stay for the kids sake.

i really do need to get this sorted. regarding womens aid, i don't know how to put it across? im not fleeing with the kids, he is supposed to be having the DSs if when he sorts his life out. i just want him to leave ME alone.

he was intimidated by my last ex, he knew he couldn't scrap with him. DDs dads motor bike was stolen twice and ive got an idea who was behind it, cant prove it. im hoping one day he will meet his match.

need some zzzz's going to a zombie for tomorrows school run! thank you all for your advice x

regarding womens aid, i don't know how to put it across? im not fleeing with the kids, he is supposed to be having the DSs if when he sorts his life out. i just want him to leave ME alone.

Just tell them that. You dont need to be being battered on a daily basis and fleeing to a refuge to be a victim of an abuser and WA will help you, they really will.

You need some boundaries, not just towards your ex but your ds as well. You say he is 12, why does he need to have his phone at 11pm? Lots of parents take their children's (unless they're mid-late teens) phones away for the night.

Also, would it help if you reversed the scenario for awhile, e.g. DS went to live with his dad for awhile? Your ex then won't have a reason to call at all times, also your ds might get the discipline he needs (or at least won't be creating tension for everyone else at the house).

Impetuous the father, rather conveniently, can't have the kids to stay over or live with him as he is staying with a mate.

I very much doubt that he has any intention of changing his living arrangements unless he is forced to, so the threat/bribe (depending on whether it is the OP or the DS he is talking to) of the kids living with him is all hot air. He has proved that he doesnt actually want to sacrifice anything for them, not turning up, being consistently late, not finding his own place etc. Sadly though DS2 doesnt see that and is still hanging on in the hope of a new, mythical, wonderful life with his dad with loads of presents and no rules. Hopefully one day he will see his father for what he really is and appreciate all the the OP did for him.