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Original poster

DD broken relationship with her dad

28 replies

BackToBasics1808 · 17/01/2017 08:44

Hi all, need your advice
DD sees her dad every other weekend. Last summer he met someone else - she has kids originally they all got on fine but since September last year their relationship is breaking down - his new gf calls her names, calls me names, he puts her kids in front of his own DD, says he cant favour her, she has told him she feels left out and pushed away. I've told him how she feels also and all I get is that he has to move on with his life
DD has decided that she doesn't want to see his gf (after a recent argument where she grabbed her and told her she ruins everything) she still wants to see her dad but not around her. he's basically said that he is now living with her and she needs to be her friend
DD doesn't want this to the point where she says she doesn't want to go now as she 'doesn't want to spoil his new family'
Our break up was very hard and luckily I have moved on with a lovely guy so in no way do I want him to be alone but cant get over the fact he is putting this new gf above his daughter and its breaking my heart to see her so upset.
Do I get involved or do I let her choose her own path with him - she's 12 so able to make her own choice
Either way they will blame me for it but I want to shake him to see what he's doing to her or what he's at risk of losing but appears this new gf is calling the shots
Any advice for my DD or me to help get through this??

OP posts:
mrssapphirebright · 17/01/2017 09:05

I don't think there is much you can do OP. Seems like you have tried talking to your ex but he is not seeing things from your / your dd's point of view.

She is old enough to make her own mind up and her decisions. All you can do is support her and give her lots of love.

Tenshidarkangel · 17/01/2017 09:21

Your DD sounds like a very eloquent young lady. If it got taken to court she would be deemed old enough that her view and opinion would be taken into account in the deciding. Although yes, you would be the women who took his daughter away, the option to see her without his GF is there so the only one who would be denying the contact is him.

Original poster
BackToBasics1808 · 06/02/2017 13:19

UPDATE
After your help again ladies & gents if you please

DD still not seen her dad, she is point blank refusing to see him again. She has spoken to him a few times on the phone but it always end up in an argument between them and HIM hanging up on her. She told him that it should be the other way round.
She has said to him she wants to see him but only him (see 1st post about gf) but he still refuses, I've tried to ask him to meet me and her in a neutral place to try sort it out, he refuses, school is involved and they've offered to play mediator, again refused.
He calls and acts like nothing is wrong playing the perfect dad but when DD asks for answers he gets all defensive, tells her that she needs to respect him and then hangs up then he refuses to answer her calls.
She's ignored his calls at times also, she's told him not to come as per the CAO but he just turns up and after a while he drives off
She's even told him in temper he isn't her dad anymore and she never wants him as her dad again, she hung up and he never bothered to contact her again until next time as per the CAO and he was acting like everything was perfect
I'm actually starting to get a bit concerned about his mental health as surely your daughter saying something like that would bolt you into thinking you needed to do something to repair your relationship!
I know she can make her own decisions but it causing her stress and upset and he needs to step up to be her dad!

OP posts:
mandi73 · 06/02/2017 13:24

Wow he's an A* twat isn't he ?!?!
I think all you can do is support your daughter, try and get her someone neutral she can have a rant and moan to, and most of all assure her that it's not her fault, i'd worry her self-esteem would take a hit if her dad can't step up.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/02/2017 13:54

Sadly, there are men out there who act like that. My DN "dad" is the same. He stopped speaking to his own son for years because the CSA made him pay £5 a week. He had this idea in his own warped mind that my sister spent all this money or herself. My sister didnt want his money, she just didnt think he should get away with be a shit dad.

Unfortunately, you cant make someone be a good parent. He'll have to answer to her one day.

BitchQueen90 · 06/02/2017 14:19

I was a similar age to your DD when I decided I didn't want to see my dad any more. (For different reasons though.) Luckily he readily accepted it and didn't try to contact me again (example of what a shit parent he was and how little he cared about his own daughter). I haven't seen or spoke to him since.

Unfortunately you can't force someone to be a good parent. Just be there for your DD and let her know that none of this is her fault. If it's any consolation I have grown into a happy well rounded adult. My father vanishing from my life didn't have any adverse effects and I couldn't care less where he is or what he's up to.

pocketsaviour · 06/02/2017 18:54

As magical as the MN Massive are, we can't stop your ex being a fucking twat.

Your DD sounds very sensible and healthy. You have obviously shown her good lessons about not letting other people manipulate and gaslight her. Well done you - carry on! There's always this narrative that you must encourage a relationship between child and father at all costs - well sometimes the costs far, far outweigh the benefits.

She has made her own choice - let her know that it's okay to change her mind in the future, but you will support her whatever she does Flowers

Isetan · 07/02/2017 10:57

Invest your energies where it will be of most benefit and that's supporting your amazing DD cope with having a shit Dad. Don't set the bad example of trying to cajole him into prioritising her because it's futile and sends the message, that his neglect of their relationship is someone else's responsibility.

Your DD is unfortunately learning a very hard lesson at a very early age, never prioritise someone who see you as an option.

greenberet · 13/02/2017 06:15

I sympathise with you OP in a similar situation where X prioritises OW over Dd so much so that he chose to spend Boxing Day with her knowing full well DD would not go. As a result DD didn't get to see her DF over Christmas. I have B/G twins nearly 16 and DS will spend time with OW & her kids. It's now driving a wedge between DS & DD. I've seen it all before though - X's family divided like this -secrets between them all - completely dysfunctional. I get the fall-out too and it's hard when you can see the damage being done to your kids and they are in complete denial. Your DD is fighting because she knows it's not right - the silver lining in all this - hopefully she will have a better relationship with men in the future. I didn't realise my marriage was abusive until I started the divorce process, but I know now he if full on Narc - he comes first always - I worry about the long term damage to the kids but all I can do is keep being there for them just as you are for your DD. I try and look at it that my kids will have a better future thanks to OW - huge life lesson too - I need to listen to Isetan because I keep hoping X will see what's happening but he won't - not whilst he thinks it was my family that were dysfunctional and I'm to blame for all this shit. Keep going op your DD is doing great thanks to you

Original poster
BackToBasics1808 · 13/02/2017 09:20

Thanks for your replies, it is very difficult when you can see what is happening and there is nothing you can do to help your DC out
There has still be very little contact, the occasional telephone conversation which always ends up with an argument and him hanging up on her then he refuses to answer her calls. I've tried calling him also but he seems so controlled by his gf that he doesn't answer my calls, texts or emails so I don't have a clue how I am meant to communicate with him about our DD
GF has to be there at every call and prompts him with what to say - DD has even said cant he talk for himself but 'they' say she has to apologise to them for her behaviour and refuses to accept he is the one that needs to apologise and put his DD first. She hears GF call her names down the phone yet ExH never stops her even when it clear she's been heard recently she even threatened DD
He calls at different times now which DD refuses to answer. He acts as though nothing is wrong and its all down to DD - I've contacted the police and SS as although I still want to support her relationship with her dad I don't think its safe for DD to be around gf - not for a long time anyway!!
She is handling this very well but its not fair on her - she deserves time with him its just such a shame he has put the gf and kids in front of his only DD

OP posts:
VivDeering · 13/02/2017 10:44

I know she can make her own decisions but it causing her stress and upset and he needs to step up to be her dad!

No, you and your daughter need to learn how to live with this situation. You need to disentangle yourself from this dynamic and model to your daughter how to behave - have boundaries, have compassion etc etc.

There's a lot of drama in your posts about him and his GF. You should replace that with calm and you and your DD.

mummytime · 13/02/2017 11:59

I think you need to cut back on the opportunities you give him to hurt your DD. So only phone calls at prearranged times (ideally on a dedicated phone). And tell your DD to hang up if he starts to be abusive or she can hear GF abusing her in the background, and send him by mail if necessary a statement that says you will being doing this.

To be honest it sounds as though he is in an abusive relationship - but you can't help him, and neither can your DD.

When she is an adult she can decide if she will keep a way open in case he comes to his senses and wants to contact her.

Is she getting counselling at school? What do they advise?

Original poster
BackToBasics1808 · 13/02/2017 12:33

Thanks again for opinions - it is good to hear from people on the outside looking in as always believe they can give a clearer perspective.
I do think we need to take a step back from it all - I feel compelled to stick with the CAO however its clear that at the minute this isn't working for DD
He is supposed to call her within a set period as he stipulated in the CAO but lately this time is being stretched to whenever he feels therefore DD doesn't answer as she has other commitments or she doesn't want to talk to him
School have been great they have offered counselling which DD hasn't decided if she wishes to take up or not (personally I think it would be a good idea) and they are in contact with me on a regular basis just to let me know if they have noticed any changes in her or her behaviour so cannot fault them at all

OP posts:
VivDeering · 13/02/2017 12:53

I'd recommend that she gives the counselling a go. She need only go once, see if it's for her and then make a decision as to whether to continue.

BarbarianMum · 13/02/2017 13:05

Was there any bad behaviour on her behalf when she did stay with her dad and girlfriend?

AmandaK11 · 13/02/2017 13:22

What can be done about this really? Your DD seems old enough to understand the situation and he is making it really easy for her to know that she isn't wanted and that he doesn't care enough to make a compromise.

Original poster
BackToBasics1808 · 13/02/2017 13:25

There was "normal" pre teen behaviour like answering back and clever attitude (similar to what she did at home with me) but I used to (and still do) tell her firmly I am her mum and she doesn't talk to me like that (if that failed take her phone off her for a couple of days) but nothing to the extreme. She did talk to her dad with a strong attitude and I did used to pull her up on this (he used to laugh and make a joke of it this was before gf) since her they've called her a silly bi*h, cow, sht, pathetic to name a few, some I have heard and always stepped in some when she's been with them on access.
It has got worse since last autumn and ultimately come to the current situation

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 13/02/2017 13:33

I'm going to guess here: I think this will have started with your dd giving her dad's girlfriend "attitude " and with her disney dad not pulling her up on it. And then the girlfriend getting pissed off and trying to pull her up on it and your dd not liking that and it spiralling from there.

I can't see any way forward that doesn't involve all parties involved apologising, and agreeing to some ground rules.

Christmasnoooooooooooo · 13/02/2017 13:47

Can she record the phone conversation and if she hear the girlfriend threating her she takes the call to the police.

welshdee · 15/02/2017 00:43

Op it's certainly a difficult situation poor DD have been there got the t-shirt.

Same situation with ex OH & DD. His gf &kids would abuse DD when they argued in the end DD refused to go ex didn't live with gf but said he wouldn't choose DD over gf most sad.
He blocked DD from fb sending him messages on phone the whole works. He hasn't seen or spoke to either DD or DS in 5years all his choice I thinks it's tragic. Try & keep them talking & good luck.

Tigger1986 · 15/02/2017 01:05

Been there OP. My dad left my mum for his wife when I was 10, she has always seen herself as 'number 1' and caused endless dramas over the years. Seems to forget she broke up a marriage and that funnily enough my and my brother were there first. I tolerate her at best. Was really hard growning up as my dad would often side with her if she put the boot in enough. My advice would be to let him come to her, remember she still has you. Don't slag him off to her, let her make up her own mind about how she feels , but continue to encourage your ex to speak to her and don't be afraid to tell him his behaviour isn't right (my mum wasn't!) That's the most you can do. When my dad moved in with his wife I refused to go to stay with him and my mum made me go as she didn't want me to lose contact with my dad. As mixed up as it is, he is trying to keep the gf happy because it's easier for her to be gone for good, whilst he probably thinks no matter what his daughter won't go anywhere. Me and my dad still have a very strained relationship because he often puts her first to keep the peace and it hurts, especially as my mum and brother are no longer with us. He's still her dad, he's just being a bit of a dick.

HarmlessChap · 15/02/2017 01:30

I think you need to know more of the background. If the new GF is saying she ruins everything when she's behaving normally then that is psychopathic.

If she is saying that because DD simply dislikes her and is causing trouble to try to break them up then putting his daughter 1st and breaking up with the GF means that she has manipulated the situation as she wanted and if she subsequently decides she doesn't like your new feller then she'll do the same.

kennypppppppp · 15/02/2017 01:32

I had to see a clinical psych recently. Who would have said to me re: your position that your ex isn't putting the child first (obviously!) and until he can see that then bloody hell he's obviously being selfish. I had to drag the ex of mine into the house to explain to him about his kid and the issues that were arising from his behaviour. Which was a deeply horrendous conversation but it' was an utter biggy and I still don't think he gets it at all .. But is there any chance that you could meet your ex somewhere - neutral or not - an explain the situation from your dd's point of view and reiterate to him "the child comes first" .... And something that childline said to me ages ago (long story) ....that "a child of xxx age doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with xxx problem/issue etc". Gave me massive help. Ring childline? See what their perspective is? Awful and horrible for your dd to be shunted like that. Obviously being the parent means you put your child's needs invariably before your own. Which it doesn't seem like your ex is doing.

Original poster
BackToBasics1808 · 15/02/2017 09:34

HarmlessChap DD did in the beginning get on ok with gf and her kids so was almost like fun sleepovers etc so it was not like our DD was trying to split them up.
The behaviour issue is more like gf has her own parenting style shall we say (I don't agree with it as it includes hitting, smacking, punishments etc) and she thinks she can then force this onto our DD even saying if exH doesn't do it she will, that's where the problems have arisen.
DD started asking just to spend her and her dad but he wouldn't they always had to be around. He demanded that DD only goes on the times gf has her daughters (as with most access arrangements its eow which fall together) then it broke down in January.
I've tried talking to him, he shrugs his shoulders and doesn't answer, I've tried calling him, he wont answer my calls, I've tried emailing, leaving voicemails, text message and never get anything back - I've even emailed him on his work address pleading him just to talk to me so we can try and get their relationship back on track and again nothing
He lives with her so cant go round to the house as I know I would be in trouble then with the police they will probably try claim trespassing or harassment or something.
I'm blocked from their facebook but have been told they are slandering me all over it (not that I'm bothered but of course if DD ever gets this she will no doubt see it all) I do support DD to the best of my ability I suppose I just wanted to know if I was doing right or if there was something else I could try before I have to give it up
I've even tried contacting family members to see if they could mediate but again get no where

OP posts:
chloesmumtoo · 15/02/2017 10:24

Sad Bloody awful how some absent fathers behave and you poor dd is hurting the most. I really don't see any answers to this as it is all down to your ex H to get his priorities right. He should be seeing your dd alone and putting her first. She is at a vulnerable age and he sounds an ass. A friend of mine had simular issue with her ex h and meeting the child alone was arranged. Was he generally like this in character? He is either been very controlled or just very stubborn/selfish but will lose his dd either way.
he puts her kids in front of his own DD, says he cant favour her Why ever not, she is his dd and should be favoured grrr
Feel for your dd but yes it is a tough lesson learned, she cannot depend on him. How about your new dp? Is he a good roll model? Has he got dc's? Does dd get on with him and can he become a good roll model for her?
Stepdads can be great fathers