If you have grown up daughters who are married, can I ask a question please?

[Krap]

I've never had a particularly close relationship with my mum and I have often wondered how on earth she managed to pop out us three kids as she is the least maternal person.
But We've muddled along, we all have kids now and she treats us all similarly.
Two of us live close by and one sibling lives a decent drive away.
Mum always bleats on that it'd be better if they were closer and how lonely they must be but my sibling knows, we all do, that she wouldn't see them any more often than she does now. After the last pester session I spoke on the phone to my sibling and they said "why the hell would I uproot my kids for so little gain, if I moved back she'd just ignore me like she does you"
My parents don't do babysitting. I ask for big things like wedding invites but no day to day stuff as they just say no. They are fully retired and literally do sweet FA. She has no hobbies. Dad goes to football but only home matches. My mum won't even walk her dogs, dad does it. She drives to the corner shop (less than 5 min walk) mid 60s. Fit, no ailments.

But. Recently my marriage broke up. I told them over two weeks ago in person. They were at best .... meh ... but did the whole ring us if you ever need anything, we'll be there.
That was the last time I spoke to them. They haven't enquired about me, the kids, my plans, my situation ..... AT ALL. They've just gone back to ignoring my existence.

What I'm asking is, what do I do? Is this common? What would you do if your daughter turned up in floods of tears and told you her world was about to implode? Could you go back to your OK magazine like she'd just told you a bit of mundane crap? I'm at a loss.
At the moment I'm just ticking the days off, currently 16, wondering if I make the first move or see just how long it takes for them to remember they have a daughter in crisis.

I'm on the brink of telling them to fuck the fuck off but the fact is, I'm soon to be a divorced single mother of multiple children.
I have good friends, who are fabulous, and am on decent terms with STBXH and in laws.

I'm massively on the fence. My parents (not together) would handle this very differently.
My mum would be straight here, massively trying to help , getting on my nerves trying ti dirt out the situation micromanaging every step.
My dad would take the stance of your an adult here if you need anything, expecting me to ask if I needed anything. (And hero he Would if Asked)
Both care just handle things differently. Neither is right or wrong

I hope I parent a little more between the two stances but nine are the 'right way' everyone is different

Sorry so many typos!

My mother has never really done anything for us when children were growing but is now 92 and quite sickly about them. They are kind and tolerant as they would be to any elderly person but there is no real relationship. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I tried to think of a gentle way of telling her. I was reasonably young at the time. Her response was "Yes, your sisters pony is lame too". If ever I write a book, it will be the opening line.
Don't get upset, don't destroy the relationship you do have. Accept it's not perfect and have low expectations but don't forget she remains your mother. She won't be around for ever.

No advice but know how you feel both in terms of having a shit mother daughter relationship and in many/most others not understanding.

My baby sister is the golden child mum has done loads for her, helped brother out sometimes, me she's babysat dd once and was pestering for me to get home almost the whole evening. She talks a good game but NEVER comes through.

And yes they reap what they sow I've already seen this with my grandparents.

Mums side they were 'fighting' (it was good natured) who got to do the most for them when they were sick/old and the house never had less than 2 visitors. This side it also showed in inheritance stuff, nobody disputed what was left to who nobody cared and nobody really wanted or expected anything they were far more concerned with having lost their loved ones.

My dads side (also shit parents) it was genuine bitter arguments over who HAD to help them out, result being they were often left vulnerable, ended up hospitalised for avoidable reasons. Inheritance side, arguments started before they died but were close to the end and now several years later there's stuff still being dealt with by lawyers.

I'm Nc with dad and Lc with mum more by circumstance/her behaviour. I'm currently relapsing badly with health issue, I've just checked my phone logs it's been a week since she even asked after me. Dd hardly bothers with her (she favours sisters children too) think it's coming on for a month since they last spoke. She lives 10 mins away.

It's shit, I've just tried to accept in my head that she's a crap mum and it'll never change.

My parents are amaxing they live 2hrs a away but in the summer i was close to leaving my dh who was suffering with mental health issues they were amazing ans told me me ans my daughtrr could live there. Thankfully thinks are getting better but they are alway offering help but i dont take it much the one negitive ia my mum is slightly stressful she comments on my hair clothes weight etc she nevers does it to my younger sister she said to me when my daughter was little i ised to miss you when your were little but now youve come back and when my daughter was climbing on her playbouse roof she said ibdont want my daughter doing yhat ans i said well thats fine as im sat here! Ive found thr obbession that seema to come with beig a grandparent really hard . My dad is my favorite peraon on earth thoigh so it possibly has been tough on my mum

Well looking on the bright side, as I've managed to do, there are a few advantages to having a crap uninterested mother.

They don't care enough to interfere.

There's no mum shaped hole in your life when they die.

They give you a blue print on "how not to parent".

But best of all, they make you self reliant and resourceful.

Krap,

Its not you, its them. I certainly know all too well what its like not to be supported.

What toyd wrote.

I am also now in a far lower contact state with my parents because they are patently not reliable or interested and have let me down way too many times over the years. My expectations from them are truly none now.

Some time ago I got a phone call from my dad asking me to call mum because apparently she missed me. I ignored such overtures.

The writing was on the wall many years ago re my mother really. She told me in my teens that she would not look after any children I had and she's kept to her word.

They have really put the "un" in the word "uninterested" but they have continued to bend over backwards to help my demanding childless brother (my mother continues to clean his house and do his ironing). These people did not acknowledge my birthday in any way last year; that really did hurt. They have little to no relationship with my now adult DS (visits were brief to say the least, never came to any school plays or anything like that although she was invited) and they have really reaped what they have sown.

I also have a mum who's crap with anything to do with things which aren't all about her. I suddenly lost my fiance when I was 28 weeks pregnant with DD (nearly 10 years ago). She was on holiday, so I didn't see her for another week. If this had happened to my DD or DS, I wouldn't wait to be asked to come back. I would be on the first plane, train, anything to get back to support DD or DS through whatever had happened.

My Mum is a recovering alcoholic and now has vascular dementia. I was idly wondering this morning what the eulogy at her funeral would be like. My siblings and I still do everything we can to help her, but can't do right for doing wrong. She hurt us as children with her emotional neglect, and she's still hurting us some 50 years later with her vitriol and lack of sympathy/empathy.

My mother has never done anything for me. I really believe that she does not love me, she is just not interested in me or my children, who are now grown up. She never babysat, took them out, etc. She just doesnt care, I see her for about 2 minutes once per year, on xmas eve, she cannot wait to get out of my house, not really any chitchat.

so I have given up, I wont pretend that I care when she dies, and I wont be going to her funeral

My parents are fine when things are good in my life but I know not to rely on them for emotional support when things go wrong :(

They have always been like that - not able to deal with me crying or negative things!

Update, day28 nearly a whole sodding month and still no contact from my parents! I'm getting along fine on my own, mostly! Which is just as well really but there's some things happening now that she'll be really pissed off about if she hears second hand but I can't decide whether to inform her or not?

You still care about what your mum thinks, but by the sound of it she doesn't really think about you a lot (sorry if that sounds harsh).

If you do tell her then perhaps her usual lack of support/care she will show will be the final nail in the coffin you need to move on and accept the way things are and that they (she) will never change.

I would not bother with your mother.

Keep verbal interactions to the minimum. Do not discuss your life with her. That way, she does not have ammo to hurt you with. Remember, she will not be supportive in your misfortune and you are an adult. You do not need that support which she is either unwilling to extend to you or incapable of extending to you.

I think it would be best for you to just give up. Ask your parents for help if there is something clearly defined they can do, but don't bother expecting a reaction from them.

My mother worries about my sibling all the time, regularly phones, etc, but never once suggested they should move closer (they live in another country). So I don't think your parents are normal.
It must be very stressful to you to get so little emotional support while it is expected that you bend over backwards to satisfy your parents' emotional needs.

Try to limit the contact to a minimum and invest your emotional energy in your friends.

Sorry to read all these examples of parents just not being there. ExW's Dad is a complete waste of space and, from her descriptions of her childhood, always has been.

I've had the odd disagreement with my Mum but she and my Dad have always been there for me when I've needed them. They're also always very keen to see my kids and my dn. Reading this thread reinforces that I need to tell them (more often) how much I appreciate them.