If you have grown up daughters who are married, can I ask a question please?

[Krap]

I've never had a particularly close relationship with my mum and I have often wondered how on earth she managed to pop out us three kids as she is the least maternal person.
But We've muddled along, we all have kids now and she treats us all similarly.
Two of us live close by and one sibling lives a decent drive away.
Mum always bleats on that it'd be better if they were closer and how lonely they must be but my sibling knows, we all do, that she wouldn't see them any more often than she does now. After the last pester session I spoke on the phone to my sibling and they said "why the hell would I uproot my kids for so little gain, if I moved back she'd just ignore me like she does you"
My parents don't do babysitting. I ask for big things like wedding invites but no day to day stuff as they just say no. They are fully retired and literally do sweet FA. She has no hobbies. Dad goes to football but only home matches. My mum won't even walk her dogs, dad does it. She drives to the corner shop (less than 5 min walk) mid 60s. Fit, no ailments.

But. Recently my marriage broke up. I told them over two weeks ago in person. They were at best .... meh ... but did the whole ring us if you ever need anything, we'll be there.
That was the last time I spoke to them. They haven't enquired about me, the kids, my plans, my situation ..... AT ALL. They've just gone back to ignoring my existence.

What I'm asking is, what do I do? Is this common? What would you do if your daughter turned up in floods of tears and told you her world was about to implode? Could you go back to your OK magazine like she'd just told you a bit of mundane crap? I'm at a loss.
At the moment I'm just ticking the days off, currently 16, wondering if I make the first move or see just how long it takes for them to remember they have a daughter in crisis.

I'm on the brink of telling them to fuck the fuck off but the fact is, I'm soon to be a divorced single mother of multiple children.
I have good friends, who are fabulous, and am on decent terms with STBXH and in laws.

My dd is in a happy long term relationship but has already decided if things go wrong she will rent a house in our street!! And I wouldn't want anything less to happen!!
Karma does exist and when they want your support I hope you will put yourself first then and let them find it elsewhere. . Sorry you are having a bad time. . You should be able to call upon them at this time and it sucks that you can't. . But you will come through it tougher than you were.

OP - If you were my DD I would be over there before you'd put the phone down.

I just can't understand your DPs at all......

Just keep remembering, you'll get to pick the old people's home they go into.

What I did was write a long letter detailing the situation, what led to it, and then outlined the help I needed.

I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not wishing to spend hours on the phone explaining everything, hence the letter. I also needed specific practical help (money) and moral support. These I got, by asking directly.

I am eternally grateful to my mum and sister and my wonderful relatives for understanding the situation and calling and asking, 'How much?' and then sending it. I had five DCs living at home, exH was sending me the occasional cheque but I had no support agreement in place, had been a sahm for 16 years, living abroad, preschooler and couldn't afford childcare to go to an interview let alone the chances of getting a job that would pay enough to cover childcare for all five...

At the moment I'm just ticking the days off, currently 16, wondering if I make the first move or see just how long it takes for them to remember they have a daughter in crisis.
Just tell them what you need, and ask if they are in a position to help you.

Write them off if they say no.

But don't add to your stress by playing this game with them. Is this how your relationship has always been?

You can break the mould and see if they are willing to do this too. Keep your expectations low.

Make sure you are not focusing on this to deflect anxiety or guilt or grief or other feelings related to your divorce.

to you at this difficult time.

Agree with others, you reap what you sow. My parents were fantastic when ds was born 16 yrs ago. They babysat every Saturday night. Sometimes we just went for a walk. Then they did it for my sister when her dd was born and my dad aged 88) still collects dn from school 2 days a week. My dm is now suffering from several ailments, the hardest being dementia. My sister and I and my dad look after her between us. It's still in the early stages, and I hope the grim reaper gets her before it gets too bad for her, but it feels good to be able to care for her after her looking after me for 40 years.

I know we all grow up and become independent but our parents are always our parents (even with the dementia she's still telling me 'the right way to do the thing.')

I'm sorry you're going through such a shit time. I hope your sister is there for you. It's horrible that your parents are not.

Thankyou, every one of you. I'm sorry a lot of your parents are lacking too, it really does suck!
My friends are fab when it come to the split - they are coming forth with lots of truly meant offers of support and practical stuff.
But none of my friends have difficult relationships with their mums, most of them are so tightly knit that they speak multiple times daily. They just don't get that aspect of my life which makes me sad and a little annoyed when they assume I must be mistaken, overthinking or should just be the one to uphold the relationship

DD1 and l are very close, we speak every day and l would do almost anything for her...
If she needs me at all, despite me living 3 hours away l would be there like a shot.
DH and l go to visit and stay overnight every second week to allow her to work that day and save on nursery fees. (really for us to see DGD's)

OP, sorry you're going through this. Must be very hurtful when they're showing no interest at this hard time in your life. Maybe it'll be better all round if you distance yourself from them. Concentrate on getting yourself sorted into a new routine with the help of your sisters and friends. Best wishes.

This is the antithesis of my parents approach! They have always been there for me and my kids dropping things and inconveniencing themselves to support us through any crisis. Sometimes they can overdo it and it can verge on the infantilising. I know though, without a shadow of a doubt, that they love us unconditionally and would do anything for us! I can't imagine treating my kids very differently - perhaps slightly more detached than my parents as there is a healthy balance but I can't believe your parents have not even phone to see how you're coping! Are they neurotypical? Any psych/emotional problems that are public ally recognised??

I get what you're saying OP re. your friends not understanding. In my case I was a bit embarrassed/ashamed by my DM's lack of love/care so I brushed over it. Sometimes I moaned about it briefly. Then I figured, why am I protecting her? So now I'm honest and try to give examples of her shitty behaviour. I also have a friend in a similar situation, so that helps.

It's actually better keeping her at a distance as when I see her I inevitably come away feeling hurt.

I agree with a previous poster. Ask specifically for the help/support you need and if they aren't forthcoming, move on with minimal contact.

I live with family like this, so I feel your pain.

Heaven forbid you call them out on it.

We got sent a cheque when we told them we were having trouble and needed help with the kids.

I despair for you but reach out for your friends help

When I was 30 I broke up with my partner of nearly ten years. We weren't married, but might as well have been. My mum and her husband drove 400 miles to help me pack up all my stuff and move it to a different city, paid for us all to stay in a hotel for a few days, and let me just generally cry and be a total bitch to them without ever complaining once. I will be forever grateful to them for that and honestly don't know how I'd have got through it without them. That said, she can sometimes take these kinds of things too far and gets overinvested to the point where i have to tell her to back off.

However, my dad is generally of the 'call me if you need anything' camp when it comes to support. And he genuinely means it. He won't call to check up on me, but if I ask him to do something he'll be there like a shot. Otherwise he'll assume I don't want any help and will leave me alone entirely. I think his mind is very black and white, and he just assumes that if you aren't asking for help you don't need it. It has upset me in the past, but now I've come to realise that it's just his way, and I know how to approach it now.

If your parents are like my dad then perhaps they do want to help, but don't want to be a nuisance and are assuming you'll come to them? But you know them well enough to know whether that 'call me if you need anything' is sincere or just a brush-off, and from your other posts it does sound more like the latter. I'm sorry

My mum's response when for the first time in my life I confided in her was 'You've made your bed, you lie on it. I can't be doing with this' needless to say it confirmed her attitude towards me for the past 63 years.
If it was my sisters the support would have (and has been) been endless. We live 14 miles from her and in 20 years she has never visited us other than 2 occasions when DSis brought her.
It hurts. Big time.
I should grow a thicker skin I guess - when I visited her last week she kept on and on about how 'You'd be prettier if you dyed your hair blonde' ffs!

I would have been there for you. My DD is married now but when she broke up with her previous boyfriend who was very controlling, I had her to stay with me for 6 months to support her and help her get away from him. She hasn't got children yet; I'll babysit sometimes if she wants but I won't be doing daycare. We speak a few times a week, she always rings me to discuss any concerns and talk things through and they come for Sunday lunch about once a month, or she'll come over on a Saturday if he's doing overtime.

Would any lovely mums like to adopt me?

My kids are great. (Ish...)

Seriously I used to be envious of other people but reading these threads on mumsnet cheers me up that not all family are selfish gits like ours x

I'm the daughter but I agree with others that patents reap what they sow. I certainly won't be helping out when they infirm - my brother can do that since he's the one that's had their support etc.

I advise not expecting anything and to reduce contact. It's the only thing that keeps me sane!

Oh, and I echo all the 'reap what you sow' comments. My grandfather has always been a complete shit to my mum (his daughter) and never taken much interest in us kids. Before I was born he persuaded my parents to move back to their home town to be closer to him and his wife. Apparently they babysat me once for about half an hour, then when my parents asked if theycould watch me again for a couple of hours a few weeks later they went apeshit at them for 'taking advantage'. My parents moved away again pretty soon after that and we only saw my grandfather every couple of years for a tedious visit that none of us kids ever enjoyed.

When my parents divorced, my grandfather got one phone call telling him what was happening, in which he proceeded to give my mum a huge earful about how stressful this whole situation was for him and how dare she put him through it?

They've now 'reconciled' but she basically goes to visit him for half an hour once or twice a year which she says is just to appease her own conscience. He has no relationship with any of us kids, and apparently spends these entire visits crying about what a terrible life he's had and how awful everyone has been to him. My mum can't quite bring herself to go NC but there's virtually no relationship there now. Such a waste.

My family are similar. My parents lived 10 mins down the road but I rarely saw them anyway then when my exh left, they moved a couple of months after and my mother suddenly developed anxiety for driving (only here, she's fine to go shopping, hairdressers etc) and it was never convenient to see us (she doesn't work, no other commitments or grandkids, have no other family to help). I only have any contact with them -all on her terms of course- when I really have to to stop them guilting me out of anytime I try NC.
I've learnt not to rely on them but it's still hard.

I feel so sad for you. My own Mum died 6 years ago today. I miss her every day and especially when I have something I need to talk about or something exciting to share.

mathanxiety oh fuck no don't write a letter, it'll get brought out at every opportunity and read back to you the bits where you are wrong about how you feel.
Don't hand out ammunition

I once rang my mum to come and collect me because my dh had smashed a hole in the door and I was scared. First she refused to come. Then she did come and ask me what I'd done to provoke him.

That was the day I realised they were not on my side and I could not go to them for help or support.

I wasn't suggesting the OP write, just saying that is what I did - it was just the best way to approach it for me.

She could contact them any way she wants to. The point is to be very clear about what she needs and not wait for them to offer it.

Oh sorry I thought you were recommending the idea - totally backfired for me, I wouldn't

My mum would be on the next flight home (dad would be too but he works). When I had DD I suffered badly with PND & mum ended up staying in the country for a month while I sorted myself out. I can't understand parents like yours at all

Krap - I really feel for you. I have a similar relationship with my own mum; slight difference in that she would rush in offering all sorts of help, then tell the whole family how much she is doing for me and my children but in reality doing absolutely sweet fa. It's very strange and I have grown up with it. Always being really lovely to us in front of people and acting the martyr when In fact it was utter nonsense!! She was emotionally quite abusive and neglectful.

Recently I have distanced myself and I am so much happier. As other PP suggested reduce contact and expect nothing (good advice anneelliot). I'm doing the same and I can thoroughly recommend. It can be tough but you have two lovely children and great friends (and yourself of course). That's all you need. Good luck.