Emotional Affair? WWYD?

[mugmugmug]

NC for this, but I am a long time lurker and recent poster, I promise.
I've been with DH for 8 years, we got married last June. We have a DS who is 3 and are ttc DC2. (This is mutual btw, he is just as eager to conceive as me, or so he says).

A bit of background, DH has always been flirty, but so am I so I just see it as harmless fun really. He's also a bit of a liar. Only small white lies really, I think that he likes to be liked and often lies to people so as not to upset them/let them down IYSWIM. Anyway, he started a new job a few months ago, and he's working at the same company as my DM. There's a young, pretty, blonde girl there (lets call her Amy) and as soon as I met her I had that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, but DH assured me that of course he wasn't interested, I'm the only one for him etc. DM told me about an incident a few months ago where her and Amy were invited out after an event, and they ended up in this bar with a few others, one of whom was an older married guy with kids. However, him and Amy were all over each other and disappeared for half an hour. DM said that it was the first time she'd seen Amy in this light, and basically warned me to keep my wits about me regarding her and DH.

Long story short, he has messaged her on Whatsapp a bit, and deleted the conversations straight away. I lost it on xmas eve and told DH to ask Amy to download their whole convo history and send it me. She did, and tbh it was all quite harmless really. But I asked him to never contact her again on his personal phone, that’s what he has a work phone for.
Last night, he left his FitBit on the side, and I saw it flash up with her name (it’s one of those that links to your phone and shows any text messages that you receive). It looks like he initiated a convo with her yesterday, and it looks like he’s offered to take her out (he’s leaving the company, so it’s probably just a goodbye drink). But I checked his phone and he’s deleted the messages now. I’m 99% sure that nothing has happened (naive I know), and tbh she seems quite immature and doesn’t even realise when he’s been a bit flirty. But it’s the fact that I told him to NEVER contact her again, and he’s gone and betrayed me.

So here’s where my dilemma is. DH inherited our current house from his Aunt, but it’s currently in his DF’s name (it’s getting signed over to DH next month). So do I keep my mouth shut, pretend everything is ok, wait until the house gets signed over, and then tell him I’m leaving? Or shall I cut my loses and leave him now, even though we have no assets in our name at the moment, so I will be left with nothing? (I work PT so there’s no way I can afford my own place for me and DS). Or do I tell him that I know about the messages and try and work it out? WWYD?

Thanks for all of the replies. I can see how it looks, and there is more to the story but I didn't want to put myself.

DH has informed me that he is working late on Thursday night at a networking event. I have googled the pub he said it is at, and it definitely isn't the type of pub that the company would normally network at, in fact I can't see anywhere inside the pub where they would have space to do it?

I have asked my DM if she can sneakily check if he is meant to be working on Thursday evening, and she's going to let me know tomorrow. If I find out that he's lying about it, then I'm planning on using the 'find my friends' app on his work iPhone (he doesn't even know the app is on there ) and I will be turning up to confront him.

*out myself

Doesn't find my friends app email the findee? Find my iPhone definitely does

No, I have it. You can do it with module numbers so she would just accept it when put on his phone but no idea how he hasn't noticed an app on his phone

This meal or drink is for the two of them, to me that's clear from her response.

Harmless flirting is one thing, but he's taking her out and that's far from appropriate for a married man. Not to forget she has no problem making out with married men.

Although he is totally out of order, your OP says that you told him not to contact her on his personal phone, but to use his work phone. I missed the part where you said he is not to contact her at all.

Regardless, he's clearly betrayed your trust and it looks like he's lying about Thursday night. That's enough to be done.

I would suggest you see a solicitor or seek legal advice regarding the house. With it being inherited you may not get 50/50, even though some money from your old place went into renovations.

We have networking events at perfectly ordinary pubs - we just reserve a couple of tables for the first to arrive. Everyone else stands around. You don't need a separate room.

MiddleClassProblem His normal phone is a Samsung, his work phone is an iPhone. He's not used to an iPhone, and he never plays on it. He literally just uses it for work calls and emails. It came with loads of apps on it and he's never looked at any of them.

SandyY2K I asked him not to contact her at all unless it was work related, in which case he could use his work phone for that. Sorry, I didn't make that very clear. My friend is a solicitor so I'm going to message her today to see where I stand legally.

Oh and I've just spoken to DM, she said that a few things happened last week that she didn't want to tell me about originally. Basically in their offices the men's toilet is downstairs, and the women's is upstairs. Amy went to the toilet at one point, DH went out about a minute later. DM went out to the kitchen a few minutes later, and she thinks they must have heard her, because all of a sudden DH came running down the stairs and back into the office. There is no reason why DH should have been up there, it's just a women's toilet and another companies office up there.

Then on Friday everyone finished work at 5pm. Amy was still working on something so she ended up staying another 20 minutes, and DH waited with her so they could walk out to their cars together. Ok so it's not crime of the century, but why would you hang around at work for another 20 minutes on a Friday evening rather than rushing home to your wife and child?

If this was me I'd go to the office ( when it's full) and approach Amy and tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't need her input in your marriage and if she has any self respect she would leave your man , and all other married men, alone. Then walk out!

She needs to be told how to behave, as she's obviously stupid.

tabithasgran - what kind of office do you work in?? I cannot imagine that kind of spectacle happening in my office without it severely impacting on the OP's H' s career too - who the hell brings their private life into work? And why is the OP's DM spreading all this office gossip too? She sounds way overinvolved and as if she is frankly trouble making.

What an awful unprofessional collection of people - all four of them!

He shouldn't get off scott free, so if it gets him into trouble too so be it. Others in the office might learn a valuable lesson too. If the workplace is where it's happening, that's where it needs to be dealt with.

There's too much putting up with other people's crap behaviour in my view these days. The OP could just put up with it, but I was just saying how I'd deal with it if I was her.
(I don't work in an office anymore)

tabithasgran I have Amy's number and I'm really tempted to message her and tell her to stop messaging DH. Tbh all her replies seem very friendly and I'm starting to think that she's not interested in DH in that way. I'm sure she'd be shitting herself if I did message her and would stop messaging him immediately.

But I don't see why I should keep fighting for my marriage when he clearly doesn't give a shit.

mug please do not contact her and definitely do not go into the office.

You have no idea at the moment what is actually going on and any problem you have is with your husband, not her.

I don't think your mum should be getting involved either.

faffalotty I know she shouldn't be getting involved, and tbh she's only been telling me stuff when I've been asking her. She's never really trusted DH, and she's been told different stories in the past about him messaging other girls and arranging to meet them (we all used to work in a pub together) so she's always known that he has a bit of a wandering eye. She never told me any of this until it all kicked off over xmas and I ended up at her house with DS telling her when I'd first found the messages. I think she's just looking out for me and thinks that I deserve better, which quite frankly I do.

And I won't contact Amy, I don't want DH to know that I know anything for now until I decide what to do.

What faff says. Your Mum is a shit stirrer and should butt out. And if anyone is to blame for this overdramatised mess, it's your husband. I don't think Amy is interested, she's just being pleasant and friendly. It's your husband who looks like he is misreading this.

A male colleague and I message each other regularly. We share a similar sense of humour, not body fluids.

I can definitely see why you don't work in an office, tabithasgran! God, this is cringy.

And all this over a girl who the OP says she doesn't even think does fancy her husband. Are people really this derranged? This sounds like a really bad episode of Jeremy Kyle.

OP - have some dignity for chrissakes. If you want to leave your husband, do it. Stop digging for drama to justify your decision.

Each circumstance seems to be initiated by him, although can't guarantee this. She's replying, he follows her to the loos he waits for her.
It could be nothing.
It could be something.
It could be all him.

Amy isn't your problem, so don't contact her.

Keep quiet. Ducks in a row. Set yourself up for the best life you can manage for you and ds.

Your mum is shit stirring. It sounds like she doesn't like him and is doing her best to help you find a reason to end the relationship.

You really cannot be serious about tracking him, and confronting him at what he has said will be a networking event. That sounds deranged and definitely like you are scraping around for any reason for leaving him.

It is clear that you don't trust him. That is the issue, not whether or not your mum is stalking him to see if he is going to the toilet. She has to stop her ridiculous behaviour or it will become office gossip pretty damn quickly.

Don't message Amy. You having no trust in your husband isn't her issue.

You need to be having conversations with your husband. Not keeping quiet so that you can gold dig. If you want the relationship to be over then be a grown up and end it with him. It's much more likely for you to have an amicable split with less aggressive arguing over money if you are honest right now rather than spending months compiling half arsed "evidence" based on tracking apps and your mum's opinions of his toilet habits.

Seriously. Calm down. If you don't trust him and don't want to stay married, then end the relationship. Divorce at to help first opportunity. Don't waste time and energy trying to be Colombo.

gincamelbak thank you so much. I think you've just told me exactly what I needed to hear. It's driving me mad and making me ill trying to stalk him and watch his every move. I don't think I will ever trust him, so I need to just get out now and start a fresh with DS

Reading the messages from her, they don't come across particularly flirty but the replies do sound like he was flirty in his messages and she is maybe just going along with it?

Either way to me even if it hasn't gone to a physical relationship that would be enough for me, and you telling him how it made you felt then he continued to message shows he doesn't really care about your feelings. Ultimately you would just be resentful and forever wandering what he's up to. If I were in the same position I would probably want to hang tight until it is more financially stable to leave for you and your son but I don't know if I would be able to say nothing depending on how long it would be for.

it's quite possible Amy isn't interested but that doesn't make his behaviour acceptable. I'm sure your mum doesn't want you to split up for no good reason, she obviously reckons there's intent on his side, unless you think your mum is some sort of narc who thrives on drama.

So, it is Friday now and he was due to network last night? Any update?

This scenario made me feel for you as I'm dealing with the same issue except she's called Kerry and 29 and husband is 52, I'm 48 and feel like a huge kid being jealous and angry about something that may not be happening but my gut telling me they are way too friendly. He manages her and I see her name in lists of texts on his phone- I daren't open them as feel physically sick. He's flirty and different around his work colleagues who all happen to be female. I try and be reasonable but it's sooo difficult. He will act all defensive if you confront him. Mine does that and then I get stonewalled and feel I'm being a psycho. Good luck x

I'm afraid to go against the grain here but I agree. Op hasn't even talked this over with him and is already planning finances and leaving. Op is there more to this? I think you already wanted to leave and this is a good excuse. I'm not criticizing as I also went through a period where I kind of wished I could catch DH cheating so the break up wouldn't be my fault
However we have spent a while talking and working things out and have moved to a better place
I just think it's sad to throw away a marriage over this when you don't even really know what's gone on